by L. A. Fiore
“My son.” Those words ripped from his throat in pain and devastation.
“My son.” Rage followed as he reached for a bookend and hurled it at the wall. “My son.”
He dropped to his knees, lifted his head to the ceiling and howled in pain. The sight of his despair gutted me.
He curled into himself. His big body shaking from his sobs and all the while he chanted my son. Mom ran to him, dropped to her knees and wrapped him in her arms. I wanted to wrap them both in my arms, to return the love they had so selflessly offered me, but it felt wrong for me to be there because they had brought me into their family, and because of my brother, that family was now broken.
Connor's funeral had been a few days ago. No one came, but Rylee, the Stephenses and me. Our foster parents hadn't come, hadn't acknowledged at all the loss of their foster son. His crack-head friends weren't there, no one came to recognize that he had once lived and died. I hadn’t wanted to be there either. Connor took Jake from me. I hated him, hated him with a passion that was surely unhealthy. But I did. I hated him with everything in me. My brother was a selfish bastard. He couldn't even die alone; he had to take my husband with him.
It was the day of Jake’s funeral and unlike Connor’s, there was standing room only. I sat in the front, Rylee on one side, the Stephenses on the other, my eyes on the casket. I had asked for a closed casket, his parents agreed. And inside that box was the love of my life. How did a person come back from that, from a loss so severe that every part of you felt as if you had died right along with him? I didn't want to get up in the morning, didn't want to find my way without him. I wanted to hear his voice, his laugh. I wanted my Jake back, wanted the life we worked so hard to have. Instead I got to sit and listen to people offer me condolences on how it would get better. Fuck them. How would it ever get better?
“We're heading to the cemetery,” Rylee whispered.
“I just need a minute.”
Lauren reached for my hand. “How are you holding up?”
After that horrible scene in Jasper’s office, the two of them had turned their concern on me, their way of coping, and even mourning as they were, they were the loving parents I needed because I wasn’t coping.
Keeping my focus forward since I couldn't bear to see Jake in her face, I tried to keep the tears at bay. “I can't believe he's gone.”
“He loved you.”
“I loved him.”
“I know. Do you want to drive over with us?”
“Thank you, but I'll go with Rylee.”
“Okay.” She leaned closer. “You have to forgive him.”
My head snapped to her. “Connor?”
“Yes.”
“I don't think I can.”
“Jake wouldn't want you holding onto that.”
And he wouldn't and still anger erupted, sharp and vicious. “Jake's dead. Connor killed him.”
“Holding onto that anger won't bring Jake back.”
“Holding onto the anger will keep me from completely breaking down. I need the anger right now; I need something to keep me grounded. One day, maybe I'll move past the rage and the fury, but right now staring at the coffin that is the final resting place of my husband, I'll keep my anger.”
“We're here for you, Sidney.”
She stood, and then she rocked me to my core when she ran her hand down my hair. One of my deepest wishes came true during what was the worst moment of my life. Agony and sorrow warred, but I reached for her hand and my voice broke as my pain all but consumed me. “Thank you.”
A few months after Jake’s death and I still couldn’t leave our bed. He had a sweater he wore every winter, it was wool, he rarely had it cleaned. It smelled like him, so I lay in bed with that sweater, holding it to my face, my lungs inhaling his scent deeply as I wished with everything in me that he'd come back. That I'd wake from the nightmare and he'd be there, smiling at me, touching me, loving me. I slept with our wedding picture too. It wasn't a posed picture; it had been a candid shot of the two of us looking at each other. The smiles on our faces saying so much more than words ever could. We'd been happy. We had found true happiness. Going on alone, finding my way without him, I wasn't sure how to do that. Knew I wasn't yet at a place that I wanted to do that. I just wanted to remember him, wanted to hold on to the memory of him for just a little bit longer. I wanted to remember the beautiful boy who turned into the beautiful man, the man who had loved me, who had given me a home and a family. I wanted to pretend for just a little longer that I was whole again. Happy. And then I'd figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on.
Now
Sometimes love is unwanted, raw and untamed. Demanding all from us, but giving back even more. Not the love we thought we wanted, but the love we need; the love we find we’re unable to live without.
—Sidney Stephens
Three years later—Present Day
Brushing my finger over the picture of Jake, my heart hurt and my eyes stung. I still felt his loss in every part of me, still woke up sometimes reaching for him.
Lauren entered the room, Jasper right behind her carrying a silver tray with crystal glasses filled with ice and tea. They looked good, older maybe, but then suffering through the loss of your only child would age anyone. I could see Jake in their faces causing the stinging in my eyes to turn into a burn. God, I missed him.
“Please sit, Sidney, and tell us about this clinic.”
Rylee and I were moving. Dr. Livingston knew of a vet who was looking to retire. He had an established practice and with Dr. Livingston’s recommendation and a few phone interviews, Doc Cassidy offered us his practice in Sheridan, Wyoming.
“Doc Cassidy has one hundred and twenty-two patients and he works with three local horse farms which between them include about forty additional patients. Sheridan is beautiful and different, and I’m ready for different.”
“We think it’s wonderful that you’re reaching for your dream. I won’t lie, I wish the dream was a bit closer, but I think this move will be good for you,” Lauren said.
My head lowered, the tears that had been threatening pooled at the corners of my eyes. An ache formed in my chest and the lump in my throat made the words hard to say. “I wouldn’t be here if not for Jake.” Lifting my head, I wiped the tears away as a smile curved my lips thinking of him. “The way he came into my life, the way he just fit. He filled all the parts of me that were empty. He loved me, but more, he made me love myself. I’d never have had the confidence to reach for my dreams without him. I miss him everyday, but I have to move on. I have to learn to live, really live, without him. I think this move is the first step toward that.”
Lauren brushed her fingertips across her cheek to wipe away her own tears. “We agree. There are too many memories here for you. Starting somewhere fresh is exactly what you need.”
“I’m going to miss you both so much.”
Jasper’s voice broke a bit. “We’re going to miss you, but you’re only a phone call away.”
“And I will be calling. Once we’re settled, maybe you can come for a visit.”
Jasper’s lips turned up into a smile before he said, “Try keeping us away.”
“I love you…Mom and Dad.”
I had called them that before, but not since Jake died. They lost the battle with their tears. I joined them, dropped to my knees and wrapped them both in my arms.
“Believe me, this is for the best.” Rylee stood at my side as I stared at the home that Jake and I had shared. It wasn’t our home any more. I had just been to settlement. Newlyweds bought it, ready to start their lives together…a family. Jake and I had wanted a baby, had continued in our efforts and after his death, I had hoped that I was pregnant. I wanted so badly to have a piece of him still. The day my period came had been like losing him all over again. It'd been three years since his death. Three years didn’t seem that long, but it was over a thousand missed goodnight kisses and waking in the morning to his beautiful face. Morning coffee in the
kitchen where he had always snuck a kiss or two and countless I love you’s. I had stopped pretending he was alive, had worked to find where I fit in the world without him, but being here where he lived was too painful. Everything reminded me of him. I couldn't move forward if I kept finding myself being pulled into the past. And I wanted to lose myself in the past. It was because of how badly I wanted to escape into the past that I knew I needed a change.
Yesterday with the Stephenses had been hard for them and me, but they were happy I was making the move. They hadn’t come right out and said it, but I knew they were worried about me. In the three years since we lost Jake, we still shared every holiday. I loved that I had parents. I loved being a part of a family, but it hurt to know that the one who had brought us together was gone. I treasured those moments with the Stephenses but it hurt like hell too. And even with the pain, I was going to miss them terribly.
Rylee was giving me the look, one I’d seen too many times. “I’m fine. I was just thinking about yesterday with the Stephenses.”
Understanding moved over her face. “That had to be hard on all of you, but they should come for a visit once we get settled.”
“I offered that to them.”
“Good.”
“Are you sure you want to move to Wyoming?” I wasn’t even sure I wanted to move to Wyoming.
“I think it’s perfect for us, Sid. Doc Cassidy has a good mix of clients and with you focusing on larger animals in veterinary school, you know the idea of tending horses is very appealing.”
It was true. I loved all animals, but the idea of working with horses excited me and since I had been numb for the past three years, I welcomed anything that made me feel.
“I know this is hard. But Jake would want you to move on. It’s been three years, Sidney.”
Even with the passing of time, the pain hadn’t eased. People say the sorrow eventually fades, the good memories replacing the bad ones. That wasn’t the case for me. I had learned to live with the pain, an almost welcomed companion, but I was ready to start somewhere fresh. Somewhere that I wasn’t reminded of the man I had loved and lost, wasn’t forced to deal with my conflicting feelings for my brother—loving him and yet hating him nearly as much because he had taken Jake from me.
“You’re right. It’s time. And Wyoming, you couldn’t ask for more of a change, but are you sure you want to do this? I need a change, but your life is here.”
“Absolutely. Open spaces, bright blue skies and mountains. With Mom and Dad gone, there’s nothing holding me here anymore.”
It had been a tough couple of years for us. A year after I lost Jake and Connor, Rylee’s mom died of a cancer. Six months later, her dad died of a broken heart.
“The memories are hard for you too.”
“Yeah.”
“Then let’s do this.”
She didn’t react the way I expected, instead she said, “I lost my parents, but they were old and Mom hadn’t been well for a while. How you lost Jake and Connor was so unexpected. You’re so much stronger than you think. I know what you lost when you lost Jake. It was beautiful, the two of you, but I really want to see you happy again.”
Even now, tears burned the back of my eyes. “I don't know if I'll ever be the kind of happy I was with him, but I am ready to try to find some measure of happy again.”
“You never know, he could be out there—someone you never see coming. So we’re ready to get on the road, to leave all of this in the past?”
“I'm ready.” Looking back one last time my heart ached. There were just so many dreams we’d had; so much we had wanted to do. It hurt, not just saying goodbye, but also leaving him and all of those dreams behind. “I love you.” I whispered the words I hoped Jake heard and then I climbed into Rylee’s car. Tigger and Stuart were in their carriers, a little agitated but not as annoyed as I had feared. They missed Jake, looked for him still, and it broke my heart when I saw them curled up on his pillow. They needed this too and so I looked forward, not back, ready for whatever the future had in store for me.
“Unbelievable.” The word whispered, almost reverently, because the sight out the front window of Rylee’s car was unbelievable. The Bighorn mountain range loomed in front of us as we drove into downtown Sheridan. “I understand now why they call this God’s country.”
“You can say that again,” Rylee said. “Pictures don’t do it justice.”
“Not even close.”
Coming from New Jersey, the sight of the mountains was definitely outside of our wheelhouse. It took us three days to make the trip, stopping off at motels along the way. I had a litter box setup on the floor of the car and every few hours we pulled over to let the cats stretch their legs, but they were ready for the trip to be over. This last leg of the trip was an easy one; we’d only been on the road for a few hours. “Where’s the clinic?”
“That’s in town, but the place I found us is just outside of town. Wait until you see it. A log cabin, Sidney! Our new place is a log cabin!” With trying to sell my place and all the emotions that stirred, I let Rylee handle finding us a place. I signed where I needed to sign, but I hadn’t given a thought to my new home. I had been too upset about losing my old one.
Tucked in an area dense with spruces that backed up to rolling hills of green, the cabin was a small two-story dwelling with dormer windows and steps up to the front door. A small garden in need of tending wrapped around the structure. A detached barn that acted as the garage sat to the right of the drive.
“Isn’t it perfect?”
It was beautiful. “Yes.”
“Come on, let me show you the inside.”
It was small; two bedrooms, two baths, a living room and a kitchen made up the whole place, but it was roomy, cozy with a huge stone fireplace that took up the whole one wall of the living room. Out back was a deck that overlooked nothing but exquisite Wyoming landscape.
“You nailed this, Rylee.”
“I know it’s small, but we’ve a lot of land.”
We had both sold our homes and my two cars. We split the mortgage so I had a nice savings, as did Rylee.
Looking at our view, I couldn’t help but think of Jake and Connor. They both would have loved this.
Rylee stepped up next to me. “Promise me something, Sidney.”
“Sure.”
“This is a fresh start and I want you to put in the effort to start fresh with everything. Life is more than a new job and house. There’s men, sex, marriage, children.”
That pain I’d grown used to, twisted in my gut.
“Look, I know what you’re thinking, but you want a family. I know you do. You’re not even thirty. You have your whole life ahead of you. Jake will always be apart of you, but there is room in your heart for someone else.”
“I’m ready to find happy again. I’m ready to find companionship, but marriage and children, I don’t think so.”
“That’s you being stubborn.”
“I’m not trying to be. When I was younger I wanted, no needed, that connection with someone. I’m not that girl anymore and I just don’t see myself walking down the aisle again.”
She reached for my hand. “Keep yourself open to the possibility. You haven’t been. It’s been three years and every date, the few there have been, that I’ve pushed you to go on were over before they started.”
She was right. I hadn’t even given the men a chance. “They were too much like Jake.”
“What do you mean?”
“The same type of job, the same look, the same mannerisms. Every time I was out with one of them all I could think about was Jake. I don’t want that. It isn’t fair to them or me.”
“But you’re open to, say…a cowboy?”
I was young, healthy and it had been three years since Jake died. I was ready to find someone to curl up with on the sofa and watch a movie, to hold my hand when we went out to dinner, to have breakfast with the morning after a date. I was open to the idea of companionship; love was anoth
er matter. “I’m open to the idea of a cowboy.”
“There are certainly enough of them around here. The truck is coming tomorrow, so we can hop into town and visit Doc Cassidy before getting dinner.”
“Sounds good. Let me get the cats settled and then we can go.”
People were friendly, folks saying hi as we walked along downtown Sheridan toward the clinic. In New Jersey, people pretended not to see you; here they went out of their way to greet you.
Doc was with a patient when we arrived. His receptionist, Ginger—fitting name since her hair was the color of ginger—showed us into the exam room. The woman was pushing eighty, but her cornflower blue eyes sparkled with welcome and her bright pink lips curved in the widest of smiles. “Doc, your guests have arrived.”
Doc Cassidy looked like the quintessential small-town veterinary—a full head of white hair, a white lab coat, black glasses, and a slight hunch in his gait. His clinic was small and clean with some equipment that was a bit outdated, but what attracted Rylee and me to his practice was his extensive client list. Sure we had to drive halfway across the country, but this was the kind of practice we had both hoped to open. Taking over for one that was already established was worth uprooting ourselves.
He looked up from the dog he examined. “Welcome. Please come in. This here is Cooper and Mr. Reginald Milburn.”
Mr. Milburn dipped his head to us.
“Hello, Mr. Milburn. I’m Sidney Stephens and this is Rylee Doughty.”
“Welcome to Sheridan.”
Rylee stepped up next to Doc Cassidy. “How old is Cooper?”