by Joan Jonker
‘Well, you asked for it, sunshine, so yer can’t blame me or Doreen if we hurt yer.’ Molly looked at her daughter and nodded. ‘When I give the sign, sunshine, let’s make a big effort and pull like mad.’
With much grunting and groaning from Nellie, and heavy breathing from her two would-be rescuers, Nellie was pulled to her feet, but she was still bent over because the chair was stuck to her bottom. And no matter how hard Nellie pushed, and Molly and her daughter pulled, the chair wouldn’t budge an inch. ‘It’s certainly taken a fancy to you, sunshine,’ Molly said, thinking it was the funniest sight she’d ever seen. Oh, she’d seen something similar in slapstick comedies on the pictures, but never in real life. And she could see Doreen was thinking the same as herself, but neither wanted to hurt Nellie’s feelings. ‘Well, yer’ve got yerself in a right mess now, sunshine, and no mistake. I don’t know what to do for the best. If the men were here, they’d probably separate you from the ruddy chair in no time.’
‘We’ll have to think of something quick, Mam,’ Doreen said, ‘’cos I saw our Jill going past the window ages ago. She’ll wonder where I am. And I left Bobby crawling round the floor. Now, I can think of something that might get Auntie Nellie off the chair, but it won’t be very ladylike, and might hurt.’
‘And what’s that, sunshine? ’Cos I’m blowed if I can see any way out.’
‘Don’t worry about me getting hurt, girl.’ Nellie’s voice sounded hoarse. ‘The way I am at the moment isn’t exactly comfortable. And I don’t give a bugger whether it’s ladylike or not. Just get me out, that’s all, and to hell with what I look like, or if it hurts or not. And be bloody quick about it ’cos me back is killing me.’
Doreen flexed her arms. ‘Right, here goes, Mam. You stand in front of Auntie Nellie, and I’ll stand at the back. I’m going to put me foot on her bottom and push like hell. So be ready, Mam, ’cos she might come out quick.’ Doreen bent down and patted Nellie’s back. ‘Before I do it, I want a firm promise from yer, Auntie Nellie, that yer won’t clout me, or fall out with me, if I hurt yer during this operation.’
‘You get me out of here, girl, and yer’ll be me friend for life.’ Even though she must have been suffering, Nellie could still manage a joke. ‘I mean, yer can understand why I’m keen to be parted from this chair, can’t yer, girl? I’ve got two hungry men coming in from work at six o’clock, and if they walk in and see me, they’ll think I’m the humpback of Notre Dame, whatever his name is, and they’ll run like hell.’
‘We’ll have yer back to normal before then, sunshine,’ Molly said. ‘Even if I have to find a workman with a saw. Then I’ll give yer back a good massage and yer’ll be as good as new when George sees yer. I can’t say the same for his chair, but we’ll see how it goes.’
Doreen lifted her foot, nodded to her mother, then took hold of the feet of the chair to give herself some leverage before putting all the strength she possessed into one huge push. She was red in the face with the exertion, but it did the trick and set Nellie falling forward into Molly’s waiting hands.
‘Oh, thank God for that,’ Nellie puffed. ‘I had visions of going to me grave in that ruddy chair.’ She was putting a hand on each knee to hoist herself up when Molly stopped her.
‘Don’t try and stand up straight, sunshine, or yer’ll be in agony. Just stay as yer are, while I tell Doreen she’d better go now, or Victoria and Jill will be worried sick.’
‘Yeah, I’ll buzz now, as long as Auntie Nellie is all right. Me and Jill don’t have to go out though, yer know. We can go later.’
Nellie turned her head as best she could under the circumstances, and said, ‘Thanks, girl, ye’re an angel. And with a kick like you’ve got, yer should be playing for Liverpool or Everton.’
Doreen chuckled as she bent to kiss Nellie’s cheek. ‘You take care of yerself in future. Always test the chair before yer sit on it.’
‘I won’t be getting up to any mischief today, girl, I won’t have the energy. My lower regions must be black and blue, and me back feels as though it’s broken.’
‘Listen, sunshine,’ Molly said to her daughter, ‘just in case Nellie isn’t fit to walk to the shops, would you get our shopping for us? Yer’ll have the pram, so yer won’t have to carry it.’
‘Of course we will! Have yer decided what yer want for dinner?’
‘I’ll see what me mate says. It’ll have to be something easy, in case I have to do Nellie’s as well as my own.’ Molly bent and pushed her mate’s hair back behind her ears. ‘How about bacon, egg, tomatoes and fried bread? Would George and Paul be happy with that?’
‘I’m not worrying about whether they’ll be happy, girl, they’ll get it and like it. If it’s good enough for Jack and Ruthie, then it’s good enough for my two. And yer know I like nothing better than a bacon butty with fried bread.’
‘That’s sorted, anyway. So it’s a pound of streaky bacon, six eggs, a pound of soft tomatoes and a large tin loaf. That will do both houses. But have yer got enough money, ’cos I haven’t brought me purse.’
Still bent over, and obviously in pain, Nellie said, ‘My purse is in the sideboard drawer, girl, take the money that yer need. Oh, and when ye’re in Hanley’s getting the bread, bring us a cream slice back with yer. I might as well get some pleasure out of me agony.’
Molly saw the surprise on her daughter’s face, and chuckled. ‘Don’t try and figure out what the connection is between pleasure and agony, ’cos only Nellie knows what she means. But get two cakes, sunshine, because I’m not sitting here licking me lips while Nellie is moaning with delight.’
Doreen handed the purse over to her mother. ‘I don’t like going in the purse, Mam, so you take some money out. As much as yer think yer shopping will come to.’
Nellie could hear Molly laughing as she opened the purse, and she asked, ‘What’s so bleeding funny, Molly Bennett?’
‘For twenty-five years I’ve wanted to see the inside of this purse, to see if there were any hidden compartments. And what better time than now, when ye’re out of action.’
‘I won’t always be out of action, soft girl, so just watch what ye’re saying. As soon as I can stand up straight, I’ll sort you out.’
‘Well in the meantime, I’m taking a ten bob note, which is all the money in the purse, sunshine.’ Molly waved the note where her mate could see it. ‘I’ll settle up with yer later, when Doreen brings the shopping back.’ She gave the note to her daughter. ‘Here you are, love, and don’t tell Jill or Victoria what’s happened. Just say Nellie’s got a bad headache, and I’m staying with her for a while to keep her company.’
‘We’ll only be out for an hour,’ Doreen said, ‘and I’ll bring your shopping over before I take me own in. So it won’t be long before yer get a cake, Auntie Nellie, and I’ll be careful not to squash them.’
‘Carry them careful, girl – I don’t want more cream stuck to the paper bag than there is in the cake. I know I could lick the cream off the bag, but yer mam thinks it’s not ladylike, and the look on her face is enough to put me off.’
Molly went to the door with her daughter. ‘As I said, sunshine, don’t tell anyone what happened here, ’cos although it might give them a laugh, there’s nothing funny about it. Nellie must be in pain and although she’d make a joke of it herself, I don’t want anyone laughing at her behind her back. She’ll tell everyone herself, to give them a laugh, but I don’t think it’s up to us to do it.’
‘I’d clock anyone that laughed at her, Mam, unless she was there herself.’ Doreen nodded to a house on the opposite side. ‘There’s our Jill’s pram; she’ll be wondering what’s happened, so I’d better get over there. I’ll see yer later. Ta-ra.’
‘Ta-ra, sunshine, and thanks for yer help. I’d have been lost without yer. I’ll see yer later.’
When Molly went back into the living room, it was to find Nellie still bent and holding on to a chair back with both hands. ‘Any chance of a drink, girl? Me mouth is parched.’
‘Not on your bleeding life, girl! There’s no doctor coming in this house and telling me to take me clothes off so he can examine me. Sod that for a lark, girl. You rub me back, like yer said, and I’m sure I’ll be as right as rain in no time.’
Molly flexed her fingers and rolled up the sleeves of her cardi. ‘Right, sunshine, I’ll start very slowly and see how we get on. With a bit of luck there’ll be nothing drastically wrong, and you’ll be fine in no time.’ With her hands flat on Nellie’s back, she moved them gently down from her waist to the bottom of her spine. ‘How’s that, sunshine? Am I making the pain worse, and does it hurt more in any particular spot? It can’t be that bad seeing as ye’re not screaming in agony when I touch yer, so I’ll carry on for ten minutes and we’ll see if the massage is helping. Then I’ll put the kettle on and yer can have a drink.’
‘That feels good, girl. Yer must have healing hands.’ Nellie closed her eyes and her body became relaxed. Although she would never admit it, even to Molly, she’d had a fright. She’d been trapped in that chair for two hours before her mate came, and she’d had visions of being there all day. Thank God Molly had a front door key, and the sound of the door being opened, then her mate’s voice, well it was the sweetest sound she’d ever heard.
‘Ye’re quiet, sunshine. Are yer still in pain?’ Molly asked because she’d never known her mate be so quiet for so long. ‘Can yer feel any improvement, or is it still painful?’
‘It’s sore, girl, I’ve got to admit, but I’m not in agony. A cup of tea would go down a treat.’
‘I’ll make one now. But for heaven’s sake don’t try to stand up straight all in one go. I’ll help yer do it a bit at a time. For now, just stay as you are until I’ve made the tea. Like yerself, sunshine, my mouth is dry. I’ll only half fill the kettle so it won’t take so long.’
‘It would be a lot quicker if yer’d only stop talking, girl! Don’t ever tell me I talk too much, ’cos I’d have to go some to beat you.’
There was water in the kettle, so Molly put a light under it and turned the gas full on. And by the time she’d got the cups ready, and filled the milk jug, the kettle was whistling away. ‘Any minute now, sunshine. I’m just trying to find where yer keep the sugar.’ She was too occupied to hear her mate muttering that she was too slow to catch a cold. Not that she’d have been put out if she had heard it, for Nellie was Nellie, and there was little you could do but not take to heart what she said.
‘Here yer are, sunshine, but don’t try to stand up. I’ll hold the cup for yer and see how yer get on.’
‘Oh, sod that for a lark, girl! How can I drink when I’m stuck like this? Move the cup before I knock it out of yer hand, and I’ll try and sit down on a chair, eh?’
‘I can’t stop yer doing what yer want, Nellie, but take my word and do it very slowly, or yer’ll be sorry.’ Molly pulled a chair out. ‘Here, yer stubborn so and so, let me help yer to ease yerself down.’
Inch by inch, Molly lowered her mate down. And with each inch she expected a cry of pain. But although Nellie was in pain, she gritted her teeth and didn’t utter a sound. For if Molly had her way, then she’d fuss over her, and Nellie didn’t like being fussed over. That’s what she thought until she leaned forward to pick the cup of tea up, and sharp pains shot up her back, and the tops of her legs. Still she kept quiet by biting on the inside of her mouth. ‘Pass me the cup over, girl, and I think yer better hold it for me in case I spill it. Me hands are a bit shaky, yer see, with the shock I suppose. But I’m sure a drink will make me feel better.’
‘It’s a pity we don’t have any whisky,’ Molly said, holding the cup near to Nellie’s lips. ‘A drop in a cup of tea would do yer a power of good.’
‘We haven’t got the money for whisky, girl, ’cos a bottle would cost a fortune. I might get George to nip up to the pub when he gets in from work. He spends enough money in there; I’m sure the barman would let him bring a tot out in a glass. He wouldn’t refuse, not when he knows he’d lose a lot of custom if he did. Corker must spend a couple of pound a week in that pub, and he’d have something to say.’
‘Ay, I’ve got a good idea, sunshine.’ Molly pulled her chair closer. ‘The pub opens at twelve o’clock, and closes again at two. I could nip up there and ask him to put a measure in a glass for us. It’s turned eleven now, and I could go up before they have any customers in. What d’yer think?’
‘D’yer want the truth, girl?’ Nellie turned her head, and because her chins were sorry for her, they didn’t even quiver with the movement. ‘I think it’s the best bleeding idea yer’ve had since yer came in.’
Molly grinned. ‘Yer don’t need to thank me every few minutes, sunshine. I know ye’re grateful, and are too shy to say so.’
Nellie actually chuckled, which made Molly feel better. ‘If I thanked yer, girl, yer’d get such a shock yer’d faint. And a fat lot of good yer’d be then. You sprawled on the floor with yer mouth wide open, and me not able to enjoy the joke.’
‘Yer sound a bit more cheerful now, sunshine, after a drink. So if yer can lean forward with yer arms on the table, I’ll give yer back another gentle massage. It will help, I promise yer. The sooner yer loosen up, the sooner yer’ll be back to normal, and then we’ll have to see whether the chair can be fixed before George gets home from work. Personally, I think it’s past redemption. For you to fall through the seat, yer must have broken the wooden supports.’
‘Yer can be a miserable bugger at times, girl. Why don’t yer look on the bright side first, instead of the other way round?’ Nellie laid both her arms on the table and lowered her head when Molly began to rub her hands gently up and down her back. ‘That’s nice, girl, that is. Bittersweet, if yer know what I mean. Like when we were kids and had a gumboil. Yer couldn’t help touching it with yer tongue even though it was sore.’
‘My God, Nellie, you’re going back some years, aren’t yer? I haven’t heard of anyone having a gumboil for years.’ Molly chuckled. ‘I did have one once, when I was about eleven, and like yer said, I couldn’t keep me tongue away from it. If I remember right, a lot of kids used to get them in those days.’
‘We used to get a lot of things in them days, girl, what were not very pleasant. We used to have mice in our house, and in the end me man got a cat because I was frightened of going to bed in case a mouse got in bed with me.’ Nellie remembered something from her childhood, and she was so eager to tell Molly she turned her body round too quickly and winced with the pain that ran up her spine. But she brushed it aside before she forgot what she was going to say. ‘Ay, girl, d’yer remember when the nit nurse came to the school? Ooh, I hated her ’cos she used to be horrible to the kids what had nits. And they couldn’t help it, ’cos if one child got them, they spread to every girl in the class. I kicked the nurse once, ’cos she said I had a dirty head.’
Molly gasped. ‘Yer didn’t, did yer?’
‘Of course I did! I wasn’t going to let her get away with calling me dirty. I got the cane for it, and was sent home with a note. But me mam gave me a hug and told me I’d done the right thing, ’cos having fleas didn’t mean yer were dirty.’
‘And she was quite right, Nellie, because I remember me ma saying that fleas “wouldn’t be seen dead in a dirty head, and isn’t that the truth of it?”’
Nellie laughed at Molly’s attempted Irish lilt. ‘Ye’re good, girl but not as good as yer ma. She’s still got the Irish accent she had the day she left the land of her birth.’
‘We’ve covered some ground, sunshine.’ Molly patted Nellie’s back to tell her the massage was over for the time being, for her hands were getting sore. ‘We’ve gone from having gumboils, then mice in the house, and finally on to the very pleasant subject of fleas! And the really important thing we shou
ld be discussing is George’s chair!’
‘Look, girl, don’t fret over his chair. What I’ll do is swap chairs. I’ll put mine in his place, and the one what’s broke can go in my speck. Then there’ll be no problem, ’cos he won’t know the difference.’
Molly’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. ‘Nellie, they’re not matching chairs! Yours is floral, and George’s is plain dark beige. They are not remotely alike.’
‘He won’t notice the difference when I’ve finished with them.’ Nellie was beginning to look a lot better, and apart from the odd twinge, when she’d screw her eyes up, didn’t appear to be affected by her mishap. ‘I’ll take the seat off my chair and swap it with the broken one.’ The crafty gleam was back in her eyes. ‘Yer see, girl, yer can do anything if yer put yer mind to it.’
‘I hate to disillusion yer, sunshine, but yer can’t just swap the seat of your chair, because it’s a fixture. It’s fixed to the wooden slats at the sides and back. If yer take those off, which yer’d need a saw for, then the whole chair would collapse. I’m sorry to have to warn you that there’s no way yer can get round it unless yer get someone who knows what they’re doing to mend George’s chair. It can be done, but it’s finding the right person to do it. And yer don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting it done today.’
‘Let’s have a look at the bleeding chair,’ Nellie said, trying to push herself up with her hands flat on the table. She only managed to stand up with Molly’s help, and then she was still bent over. ‘It must have been on its last legs to break just because I sat on it.’
Molly was tempted, but held back from saying that her mate’s eighteen stone had something to do with the breakage. Also, Nellie never sat down gently like most people, she just dropped down. The groaning and creaking of chair legs didn’t bother her. ‘D’yer still want me to go to the pub for a tot of whisky for yer?’ Molly asked. ‘Or not?’