by Joan Jonker
‘I wouldn’t say that, queen, not about meself. I think Rita’s got a good head on her shoulders, though. She had a better education than me.’
Nellie snorted, ‘Yer don’t have to be clever to be friends. Look at me and Molly! I’m as thick as two short planks, and she’s a right clever clogs. Yer should hear some of the words she comes out with! Yer’d think she was talking in a foreign language. But for all that she’s clever, and I’m as soft as a brush, we’ve been mates for nearly twenty-five years. And when we get to your age, we’ll still be best mates.’
‘Don’t tempt fate, sunshine,’ Molly chuckled. ‘I think by the time I’m eighty, you’ll have worn me out.’
Hilda suddenly remembered her manners. ‘What am I thinking of, leaving yer sitting there! I’ll make a fresh pot of tea. Yer must think me very inhospitable not asking yer as soon as yer came. But we’ve done that much talking it took me mind off me manners.’
Molly caught hold of Hilda’s arm as she bustled towards the kitchen. ‘Don’t make any tea for us, sunshine, because we had two cups before we came out, and we’re going to me daughter’s from here, where we’ll be getting more!’
Nellie’s chins were the first to agree, and they were swaying when she said, ‘After that we’re going on to yer other daughter’s, girl, don’t forget, and that means another drink! I’ll be wanting to go to the lavvy every five minutes.’
‘Are yer sure yer won’t have a cup?’ Rita asked. ‘Ye’re more than welcome.’
‘No thank you, sunshine. We only came round to make sure you were all right, and we can see ye’re being well looked after by Hilda. So we’ll love yer and leave yer. We’ll call in and see yer again in a couple of days, but yer know where we live if yer need anything.’ Molly stood behind Rita’s chair and hugged her gently before kissing her on the cheek. ‘I hope you and Hilda have a nice walk in the park, but don’t overdo it.’
While Nellie was saying goodbye to Rita, Hilda followed Molly out to the door. ‘Yer don’t need to worry about anything, queen, ’cos I’ll make sure Rita’s all right. I know she’ll want to go back to her house tomorrow, and I can understand that, ’cos there’s no place like home. But she can sleep here any time she likes, and from now on we’ll see more of each other than we have done in the past.’
Molly looked down into the chubby face and cupped it in her hands. ‘Ye’re a lovely, kind woman, sunshine, and I’m glad I made your acquaintance. Thank you for looking after Rita, and make sure yer take care of yerself, ’cos good people are hard to come by.’
Nellie’s head appeared over Hilda’s shoulder, and what happened next had Molly doubled up with laughter. For Nellie tried to get past Hilda, and the two eighteen-stone women got stuck in the door frame. Their bosoms and their tummies were the sticking point, and both women struggled till they were red in the face. And while Molly was holding the stitch in her side, she was wishing she had a camera, for Jack and Ruthie would never believe this, and it was the one time she couldn’t impersonate her mate.
‘My God, Hilda,’ Nellie puffed, ‘yer haven’t half got a big tummy. It sticks out a mile!’
Hilda’s mouth gaped. ‘Ye’re a fine one to talk, queen, ’cos yours is twice the size of mine! The very cheek of yer! And why did yer have to try and pass me? Why didn’t yer ask me to move out of the way?’
‘Because me mate is waiting for me, that’s why!’ Nellie was sweating now. ‘And she doesn’t like to be kept waiting, especially when we’ve got calls to go on.’
Molly wiped the tears of laughter away before suggesting, ‘If yer would both keep calm it would make it a lot easier. Just cool down and give it some thought, instead of getting yerselves all het up.’
‘It’s all right for you to talk, queen,’ Hilda said. ‘If I was standing where you are I’d be as cool as a cucumber. It’s Nellie’s bust what’s in the way, it’s squashing mine and it doesn’t feel very pleasant.’
This didn’t help matters because Nellie got on her high horse and took her tummy and bosom with her. ‘Well, that’s very nice I must say! Ye’re not the only one getting squashed, girl, so don’t be feeling sorry for yerself.’
Molly raised her voice when she called, ‘That’s it, enough is enough. I know ye’re very fond of yer voluptuous body, Nellie, but will yer try and put it to good use for once, instead of bragging about it. And as ye’re younger than Hilda, I suggest yer show her the respect she deserves. So, while she stands still, will you put both of yer hands flat on yer tummy and press it in. With a bit of luck and the right actions, it should be enough to separate the pair of yer. And Hilda, will yer use your hands to flatten yer bosom, please, ’cos every little helps.’ Molly tried very hard to keep her face straight, as the neighbours walking past were giving the two women some funny looks. After all, it would take some believing that two women could get stuck in a doorway. Molly wouldn’t have believed it herself if she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes.
‘Thank God for that.’ Nellie blew out a sigh of relief. ‘I can breathe now.’
‘It’s you what caused the trouble,’ Hilda told her, ‘so don’t expect any sympathy from me.’
‘Yer should have got out of me way,’ Nellie said, ‘so yer were as much to blame as me. Don’t you go saying it was all my fault, ’cos it wasn’t.’ She ran a hand over her breasts. ‘I’m sore now.’
‘Serves yer right.’ Hilda wasn’t going to sympathize, not when she was feeling embarrassed that some of the neighbours had witnessed the indignity. ‘Perhaps yer’ll be more careful in future, and not throw yer weight around.’
Molly decided to call a truce. ‘Excuse me, ladies, for butting in, but I have work to do, and calls to make, even if you haven’t. And because ye’re both looking as though yer want to throttle each other, I’m going to say something I think is very funny. If yer don’t laugh, I’ll think ye’re both past redemption and I’ll give up on yer.’
‘Oh, I’ll laugh, girl, ’cos I like to hear a good joke.’ Nellie had a horrible feeling she was in for a lecture as soon as they left Hilda’s, and if it meant crawling to get back in her mate’s good books, then crawl she would. ‘I don’t know about Hilda, but I’ll laugh.’
‘Yer haven’t heard what Molly’s got to say, queen, so how d’yer know it’ll make yer laugh? I’ll wait until I hear it before I say anything.’ Hilda nodded to Molly. ‘Go on, queen, I could do with a good laugh.’
‘It came to me when I saw the two of yer stuck together,’ Molly said. ‘And I thought I’d ask yer if yer’d ever consider being bosom pals?’
It was Hilda who got the joke first, and she gave Nellie a dig. ‘Oh, ay, queen, I think that’s very funny.’ Her eyes disappeared as her well-endowed body shook with laughter. ‘Where’s yer sense of humour, Nellie? Don’t yer get it? Bosom pals, that’s you and me. But I still say yours are bigger than mine.’
It was then the penny dropped, and Molly was delighted when the two women clung to each other, their laughter loud and contagious. It brought Rita out from the living room to see what the hilarity was about. ‘What’s going on? Will yer let me in on the joke, please?’
‘Oh, Rita, queen, I’m sorry but yer haven’t got the right figure to be a bosom pal. Yer have to be fat and dumpy.’
‘Ay, you speak for yerself.’ Nellie pretended to be indignant. ‘I’m not fat and dumpy. Yer can ask my husband, and he’ll tell yer I’m just right. He doesn’t like skinny women, he likes them with plenty of flesh to get hold of.’
Rita tutted. ‘There’s nothing down for me, then. I was always thin, right from being a child. Still, it never did me any harm. I’m still alive and kicking, thanks to Nellie.’
‘Oh, don’t start her off on that, Mrs Reagan,’ Molly said, ‘or I’ll have to listen to her bragging all day. She’s not one of those people who does someone a good turn and then walks away before the person has a chance to thank them. Not my mate, no, she’s not like that. She is most definitely not a shy heroine.’
‘I mi
ght not be shy, Molly Bennett, but I am a heroine, what you will never be. And yer better watch what yer say to me in future, as well, ’cos I’ve got another mate now, and that’s my bosom pal, what has a bigger tummy than I have, but not such a voluptuous body.’
‘To each his own, queen,’ Hilda said. ‘Some men like their women thin, others like them fat. Then yer have the men who like them just right, like Molly is.’
Nellie glared at her. ‘Ay, ye’re supposed to be my bosom pal, so don’t be trying to get pally with Molly.’
‘Let’s say we’re all good friends, sunshine, with no favourites, and then we can be on our way. We only came round to see how Rita is, and that must be at least three-quarters of an hour ago. At this rate, it’ll be time to go to bed before we’ve got our shopping in.’ Molly stepped forward and kissed the two elderly women. ‘You two get yerselves out for some fresh air. And take care of each other.’
‘We will, queen, don’t worry.’ Hilda linked Rita’s arm as they stood on the step. ‘Ye’re welcome any time.’
Molly nodded. ‘Oh, yer haven’t seen the last of us, but it’s ta-ra for now.’
Nellie put her arm through Molly’s. ‘Ay, that bosom pals was good, girl. Where did yer get that from? It just suited me and Hilda down to the ground.’
‘Yeah, but the point is, sunshine, yer never tell lies to yer bosom pal. Well, most people don’t, anyway.’
‘I didn’t tell no lies, Molly Bennett, and yer can’t say I did!’
‘Yer might not have told a lie, sunshine, but yer acted one and that’s just the same.’
‘How can yer act a lie, girl?’
‘You should know that better than me, because I’ve never acted a lie, but you have.’
‘When did I do that, Molly Bennett? If ye’re trying to pull me leg, I don’t think it’s very funny.’
‘Hilda didn’t think it was very funny when her window nearly went in. And instead of telling her the truth, that it was you who banged on it, yer kept quiet. And that is what I mean by acting a lie! Instead of letting her think it was a lad in the street, yer should have come out right away and told her it was you.’
‘Ooh, I couldn’t do that ’cos she was in a right temper and she’d have clocked me one.’
‘No, she wouldn’t, because unlike you she isn’t the fighting type. She wouldn’t have been pleased with yer for giving her a fright and nearly breaking her window, but she’d have got over it in a few minutes. That would have been the honest thing to do.’
They were turning into their street when Nellie spoke again. ‘Shall we go back, girl, and I’ll tell her the truth?’
‘You’re not soft, sunshine, I’ll say that for yer. Yer may be many things, like sly and crafty, but never soft. Yer know damn well I’ll say we can’t go all the way back there because we’re late as it is. The girls will think we’re not coming, and I want to see the babies before they take them for a walk.’ Molly looked down at her mate. ‘It was a good try though, sunshine. But what yer could do to make up for it is have a word tonight with your friend St Peter. Tell him what yer did, and see if he’ll forgive yer.’
‘Oh, he will, girl, I know he will. After all, that’s what friends are for, isn’t it? But I won’t tell him about being bosom pals with Hilda, ’cos he might not understand, him being a saint. D’yer know what I mean, like?’
‘Oh, I think so, sunshine, I think so. But we’re near Doreen’s now, and I don’t think Victoria would understand either. D’yer know what I mean, like?’
Chapter Thirteen
‘Ye’re late, Mam,’ Doreen said when she opened the door. ‘Me and Jill have waited, wondering where yer’d got to.’ She grinned at Nellie. ‘What have you and me mam been up to, Auntie Nellie? Been leading her astray, have yer?’
‘The days of me going astray are long gone, girl, worse luck.’ Nellie brushed past her and made for the living room. ‘The only excitement I get is when yer mam tells me off for making a show of her.’
‘I don’t see Jill’s pram outside,’ Molly said, kissing her daughter’s cheek. ‘Is she not going out with yer?’
‘Come in so I can close the door.’ Doreen pushed Molly into the living room, where Jill was sitting on the couch nursing little Moll. ‘We’re only taking the one pram with us. Bobby is big enough to sit up now, so Moll can lie on the pillows and it saves taking both prams to the shops.’
‘Hello, sunshine.’ Molly hugged her eldest daughter, but was careful not to crush the baby, who tugged on her heartstrings every time she saw her, for she was the image of the three Bennett girls when they were her age. Sparse blonde hair, and eyes as blue as the sky on a summer’s day. She was very dainty, but all there when it came to knowing who her grandma Bennett was, and her grandma Nellie. She was gurgling now, her arms flailing to be lifted up. ‘Wait until I put me bag down, sunshine, and take me coat off. Then we can have a big cuddle.’
Molly was draping her coat over the arm of the couch when she asked, ‘Where’s Bobby?’
‘He’s in the pram in the yard,’ Doreen told her. ‘Now he’s walking around the furniture, he won’t leave little Moll alone. As quick as I take him away from her, he crawls back and pulls himself up by the chairs.’
Molly smiled down at the baby who was trying to free herself from Jill’s arms. ‘Wait until I’ve said hello to Victoria, then I’ll give yer a big cuddle and a swing.’
‘We’ve been watching out of the window for yer, Molly.’ Victoria Clegg was loved by everyone, old and young alike, and was always treated with respect because she was a real lady. She accepted Molly’s kiss with a smile. ‘Are yer not going to tell us what you and Nellie have been up to? We could do with a laugh.’
‘We went round to see how Mrs Reagan was, and I’m happy to say she’s fine. It would take too long to tell yer the whole tale, except that Nellie has a new bosom pal. And when I say bosom, I really mean it. For although Mrs Reagan’s neighbour, Hilda, is an elderly lady, she still has a bosom as big as Nellie’s. In fact she is so like my mate they could be twins, except for the difference in their ages.’
Nellie’s eyes were shooting daggers. ‘Are you hinsinuating that a woman of eighty has the same voluptuous body as what I’ve got? Yer must need yer eyes testing if yer didn’t see the difference between me and Hilda. How can she look as good as me when she’s thirty years older?’ Nellie saw Molly’s lips move, and she held up a hand to silence her mate. ‘Oh, I know she’s a very nice lady and all that, but she’s not a patch on me. You put her in bed with my George, and he’d soon tell yer the difference.’
‘I’m sure he could, sunshine, but that sort of conversation between me and your husband will never arise, so yer can forget it.’
Nellie looked down at Victoria, her hands spread out, and in an appealing voice she asked, ‘What would yer do if yer had a mate what didn’t stick up for yer, Victoria? Would yer tell her she should support her mate, or tell her to sod off, ’cos yer’ve found another pal? One what is a bosom pal?’
Victoria tried not to smile, but she couldn’t stop her mouth twitching. ‘If yer have a good mate, Nellie, then ye’re very lucky and should appreciate her. Not everyone is blessed with a true friend; they are hard to come by, and should be treasured. It’s better the devil that yer know, than the devil you don’t know.’
‘Now I didn’t say nothing about no devil, Victoria, so don’t be making things more comycated than what they are.’
Doreen had brought Bobby in from his pram, and she was seated at the table with him on her knee, next to Jill and little Moll. Both babies were eager to escape and they were making it plain by lashing out and gurgling. They could see and hear their grannies, and wanted to be picked up and cuddled and tickled. So Jill and Doreen were trying to keep them quiet, for the sisters didn’t want to miss Auntie Nellie when she was in full flow.
‘Now you’re a clever woman, Victoria, and I’d like some advice from yer. And don’t take no notice of the looks I’m getting off Molly Benne
tt, ’cos I don’t want her giving you signals.’
‘All right, Nellie,’ Victoria said, ‘I won’t look at Molly. I’ll keep my eyes averted.’
‘Oh, there’s no need to do that, Victoria.’ Nellie patted a frail hand. ‘Just don’t look at her.’ When there was a burst of laughter, the little woman tutted. ‘They haven’t got no manners they haven’t, so don’t take no notice of them.’
Oh, how Victoria Clegg loved it when Molly and Nellie called, for they really brightened up her days. ‘Now, how can I help you with your dilemma, Nellie?’
Nellie blinked several times, wondering why Victoria had used that word what sounded foreign. Why couldn’t she use English, what everyone understood? Never mind, she could pretend she did understand and no one would know any difference. ‘Well, it’s like this, yer see, girl. If you were in my shoes, which I know ye’re not, like, but pretend yer are. Well, what I want you to tell me is, if yer had to choose between two mates, one what used big words, and one what had a big bosom, which one would yer choose?’
Doreen and Jill decided they’d be better in the kitchen if they wanted to release their laughter. So holding their babies close to their chests, they made themselves scarce. But Bobby and little Moll didn’t approve, so mothers and children ended up in the yard and they missed Victoria’s reply. They’d have to wait and ask their mother later.
‘That decision would be an easy one for me, sweetheart,’ Victoria told Nellie, ‘because I would choose the one I believed would be a true and loyal friend for life.’ A soft laugh left her mouth before she went on, ‘I wouldn’t choose a friend by the size of their vocabulary, or their breasts.’