by Joan Jonker
‘I won’t be dressed for going into the Adelphi,’ Phoebe protested. ‘I’d feel uncomfortable, like a poor relation.’
‘Don’t put yerself down, sweetheart,’ Ellen told her. ‘It’s not what yer wear, but how yer wear it. Just imagine two women standing side by side, both wearing dresses the same style and colour, except one woman has paid ten pound for her dress, which has been bought from a posh shop, and the other woman only paid twelve and eleven for hers from T.J.’s. But when they walk into a room no one notices the difference in quality, because the poorer woman walks in with her head held high and her back straight. And she is the centre of attention. Just bear that in mind, sweetheart. It’s not what you wear, but how you wear it.’
‘Ay, that was good advice, Auntie Ellen,’ Paul said. ‘And I bet it’s true, as well! So I’ll buy yer an early wedding present, Phoebe, if yer’ll let me? I’ll buy yer a new outfit, coat and dress. Then, like yer mam said, yer can walk into the Adelphi feeling good.’
‘You can’t afford to do that,’ Phoebe said. ‘Yer’ve got yer suit and lots of other things to buy that are more important than buying me clothes just so I feel I’m as good as anyone else in the Adelphi. I’m not letting yer waste money on me.’
‘If I didn’t have the money, and couldn’t afford it, then I wouldn’t be offering! I haven’t been spending any money for the last few weeks, because we seldom go out. I’ve got a hundred and thirty pound, and I want to spend some of it on you. Is that so bad?’
It was Corker who answered. ‘Not bad at all, son. I think yer’ve done very well. And I think Phoebe should throw caution to the wind and get out and do something different while she has the opportunity.’ He looked with affection at his daughter. ‘Live dangerously for once, me darlin’, and see how the other half live. Don’t worry about what yer look like, and remember what I’ve always told yer. That ye’re as good as anyone and better than most.’
Phoebe gripped Paul’s hand and smiled into his face. ‘Yes, let’s go mad, eh, and mingle with the rich? If we never do it again, we can always look back and remember. And brag about it to our mates. And as long as you’re with me, I won’t care about anyone else.’
Paul lifted her hand and kissed it. ‘It’s a date, then, next Saturday. But don’t get too dressed up, I don’t want men taking a fancy to yer.’
Puffing away on his cigarette, Corker threw a spent match into the hearth. ‘Now yer’ve reached agreement on that, can I change the subject and ask how yer mam is, Paul? Is she going to cause a stir at the wedding, with a hat the size of a cartwheel? She gets noticed, does Nellie, with her hats. In fact most people keep their eyes on the door for her entrance. And she loves the attention, God bless her, walking down the aisle as though she’s a member of the nobility.’
‘Me mam came in just before I left the house, and if yer’d been there, Uncle Corker, yer’d have laughed yer socks off. She is so funny, and doesn’t really know she’s being funny! Her and Mrs B. had been in town shopping for wedding outfits, and all me mam would let me and me dad see was the flipping bag they were in! It was a posh bag, with handles and the name of the shop on, and yer know how me mam can pull the funniest faces imaginable, well she surpassed herself with that bag.’ Paul began to laugh as he relived the scene in his mind. ‘She held it right up to me dad’s face, and said, “See that, George McDonough, well that’s class that is. We’re going up in the world.”’ He began to shake with laughter, so contagious it set off Corker, who had a lot of affection for Nellie. And when the giant of a man shook, the whole house shook with him. And he was wiping his eyes when Paul, having brought his breathing under control, spoke again. ‘Yer know how quiet me dad is, he never raises his voice. Well, he looked at this bag being held up to his face, and he looked up at me mam, nodded to the bag, and asked, “So that’s what ye’re wearing for the wedding, is it?”’
‘Let me guess,’ Corker said. ‘Yer mam hit him over the head with it?’
‘Did she heck! What she said was, “I’d give yer a clout, but I don’t want to put a dent in the bag!”’
‘They’re a good match, your mam and dad,’ Ellen said. ‘They’re just right for each other.’
‘Did yer mam and Mrs B. get their wedding outfits?’ Phoebe asked. Then, without waiting for an answer, she wanted to know, ‘Has she got a big hat?’
‘I couldn’t tell yer, pet, because she said not a single soul is going to see her outfit until the wedding. All she’d tell me and me dad was that her and Auntie Molly would be the best-dressed guests on the day. They’d found a shop in Bold Street that sold dresses to suit any occasion, and this is what she said: “Yer’ve never seen nothing like it, all the bleeding toffs shop there. Can’t yer tell by the bag? That’s what yer call quality.” And off she went up the stairs, carrying that ruddy bag as if it contained the crown jewels.’
‘I hope yer won’t think I’m making fun of yer mam, or that I think she’s stupid,’ Corker said. ‘But Nellie would be the first one to laugh if I said that she wouldn’t swap that bag for the crown jewels, because she wouldn’t believe yer if yer told her what they were. She’d laugh in yer face and tell yer not to be so bleeding stupid, ’cos she wasn’t born yesterday, and she’d recognize Woolworth’s beads anywhere.’
‘She’d have had fun with a crown, though,’ Paul chuckled. ‘She’d parade up and down the street acting daft, not knowing she had a fortune on her head. Enough money to keep her in cream slices for life. And her mate, of course, ’cos me mam would be lost without Auntie Molly to keep her on the straight and narrow.’
‘They are the best mates I’ve ever known,’ Ellen said. ‘Tony loves them coming in the shop because he thinks they’re hilarious. They never fail to make us laugh, not like some of the miserable customers we get in. Mind you, when Nellie’s in full flow we don’t have any miserable customers because she wouldn’t allow them to be miserable.’
Paul became serious. ‘I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I have never known a miserable moment in our house. When we were kids, and money was very tight, we lived on laughter, provided by me mam. That’s why our Steve, Lily and meself love the bones of her. And we feel the same about Auntie Molly, who is like a second mother to us.’
Corker nodded knowingly. ‘Yes, Mrs B. has been a restraining influence on yer mam, without a doubt. When Nellie was ready to fight with the neighbours in the street, it was Molly who pulled her away and calmed her down. But it cuts both ways, for they’re good for each other. Molly would be the first one to admit that her life would have been very dull without her best mate.’
Phoebe tugged on Paul’s arm. ‘Ye’re moaning that yer don’t see anything of me, and yet when yer have the chance yer don’t take it, yer just sit gabbing! Let’s go for a walk for a bit of fresh air. It’s too late now to go to a dance or the pictures.’
‘Okay, boss.’ Paul chucked her under the chin. ‘But don’t get the idea yer can order me around when we’re married, because I intend being master in me own house.’
‘But it won’t be yer own house, soft lad, it’s yer mam’s house.’
‘I’ll soon sort that out. I’ll bribe me mam into letting me be the boss. The promise of a cream slice every day, and she’ll hand the keys over.’
Paul was opening the front door when Corker and Ellen heard Phoebe asking, ‘What kind of cigarettes does yer dad smoke, Paul? I think a packet of twenty, twice a week, should get me a set of keys, so we’d be level pegging.’
The door was pulled shut after the couple, and Corker said, ‘That’s one daughter we’ll never have to worry over, Ellen, for she’ll have a life of love and laughter when she becomes Mrs Phoebe McDonough.’
‘Shall we walk round to me ma’s, Jack, and have a game of cards with them?’ Molly stood by the kitchen door, a tea towel in her hands. ‘I don’t feel like staying in. It’s been a smashing day for me, getting a hat and dress for the wedding. I’m all fixed up now.’
‘Don’t I get to see yer new gear?
I thought yer’d be trying it on, and showing off.’
‘I’ve put it in the wardrobe because I don’t want Ruthie to see it. Yer know she can’t keep anything to herself. Yer’ll see it soon enough, it’s not that far off the wedding. Anyway I want to see Rosie to tell her about getting measured for her dress next Saturday, with Ruthie and Dorothy. So make an effort and comb yer hair, then we’ll walk round.’
‘What about Nellie,’ Jack asked. ‘Are yer going to give her a knock?’
‘I’ve been with her all day, yer’d think we’d be sick of the sight of each other, wouldn’t yer? But if George goes for a pint with Corker, she’ll be left on her own, and my conscience would play up, and I’d feel guilty.’ Molly was thoughtful as she cupped her chin. ‘I know, you’d prefer to go to the pub with the men, wouldn’t yer?’
Jack smiled up at her. ‘Well, I haven’t had a pint all week, love, so I’d like a drink and a natter with Corker and George. I could go and see yer ma one night in the week.’
Molly nodded. ‘I should have thought about that meself, love, yer deserve a pint after working all week. In fact yer deserve more than one. I’ve been out all day with Nellie, buying clothes for meself, then I’m selfish and thoughtless in expecting you to come round to me ma’s for a game of cards! I should have had more sense. So I’ll put me coat on and give Nellie a knock, and I’ll tell George yer’ll be going for a couple of pints with him and Corker. And yer needn’t worry about getting home in time for Ruthie coming in, love, ’cos I’ll make sure I’m back in time.’
Molly slipped her coat on, then bent to kiss her husband. ‘No coming home drunk, though, sunshine. I want you to be sober when we go to bed.’
Jack chuckled. ‘Am I on a promise, love?’
‘Well, I’ve got a nice new hat and dress, so I think you deserve a little present.’ She moved away quickly when he made a grab for her. ‘Don’t be so impetuous, sunshine! You appreciate a thing much more when yer have to wait for it.’ After another kiss, she made for the door. ‘My mate will be delighted when she knows where we’re going. But I pity me ma and da, and Tommy and Rosie, because she’ll talk the ears off them. Still, there’ll be lots of laughter along the way.’
Nellie was over the moon when she heard what Molly had knocked for. ‘Ooh, come in, girl, while I put me coat on and comb me hair. Say hello to my feller while ye’re waiting.’
‘What are yer going upstairs for, Nellie?’ Molly asked as she watched her mate bouncing effortlessly up the stairs. For someone of her size, she was as light as a feather on her feet. ‘Yer coat’s here, on the hook.’
‘I know that, girl, and it won’t run away. It’ll still be there when I come down.’
Molly was shaking her head when she walked into the living room, wondering what her mate was up to. ‘Hello, George. I’m going round to me ma’s and I thought Nellie might like to come for an hour. And before I forget, Jack will be going for a pint with you and Corker. He’ll be knocking for yer in a few minutes.’
‘I’ll be ready for him.’ George McDonough was a quiet man with a gentle sense of humour. ‘It’ll be good to get out ’cos Nellie’s given me a headache. She’s never stopped talking since she came back from town. I feel sorry for Bridie and Bob. Tell them I said to put cotton wool in their ears.’
‘George, they both love Nellie, like all my family, for she never fails to cheer them up. So do Tommy and Rosie, they love the bones of her because she’s like a ray of sunshine.’
‘Is her dress and hat as good as she says they are?’
Molly chuckled. ‘Now George, don’t be asking me to tell tales out of school, or she’ll have me life. Besides, Jack hasn’t seen my purchases, so I’m not giving the game away on me mate.’
They heard Nellie humming as she came down the stairs, and when she entered the room she left them lost for words, stunned into silence. For in her hand she was holding the bag from the dress shop. Swinging it high by the plaited string handles she swayed her way round the table to stand in front of her husband. It was a big, strong, colourful bag, with the name of the shop in large letters. And such luxury was seldom seen in their neighbourhood. ‘See, lad, we’ve gone up in the world, us McDonoughs, and yer’ll not see another like this around these parts.’
‘Nellie, go and put it back upstairs, sunshine, and we’ll go on our way before it gets too late.’
‘I’m taking it with me, girl, to show yer ma and da. They’ll get their eyes opened.’
‘What have yer got in it?’ Molly asked. ‘I thought yer were keeping yer dress and hat a secret. Mine are hanging in the wardrobe, covered with an old sheet, and the bag is on the bottom so our Ruthie doesn’t see it.’
‘I haven’t got nothing in it, girl, the bag’s empty. But I bet Bridie would love to see it.’
‘Yer taking an empty bag to me ma’s house? She’ll think ye’re crazy, sunshine, and I’d agree with her!’ Molly tried to sound angry, but she could see the funny side, and knew her parents would. ‘Okay, if yer want to look daft, then that’s your lookout. But hurry and put yer coat on or I’ll go without yer.’
While Nellie was getting her coat, George told Molly, ‘Yer’ve a lot of patience, lass, and yer know I’m grateful that yer’ve stuck by Nellie all these years. She’d be lost without you.’
‘George, Nellie is as good a mate to me as I am to her. We’d be lost without each other.’
‘I’m ready, girl.’ The look of pleasure on the chubby face was like the sun appearing from behind a cloud, and Molly held out her arm. ‘Put yer leg in, sunshine.’
‘Well don’t squash me bag, girl, or yer’ll spoil the look of it.’
‘Now wouldn’t that be terrible if the bag got squashed?’ Molly said.
The door was closing on the couple when George heard his wife say, ‘It would terrible for the one what squashed it, girl, ’cos I’d clock them one.’
‘They’re taking long enough,’ Nellie said. ‘Knock again, girl.’
‘No need to, I’m here now,’ Tommy said when he opened the door. ‘There was only five seconds between you knocking and me answering.’
‘Never mind that,’ Nellie said, the bag held away from the wall. ‘Stand aside and let me pass.’
Seeing the carrier bag, Tommy asked, ‘Have yer brought yer carry-out with yer, Auntie Nellie?’
Nellie eyed him up and down. ‘Listen, lad, if yer touch this bag, lay a finger on it, then I’ll give yer such a clout, yer’ll wonder what hit yer.’
Tommy flattened himself against the wall as Nellie passed him, and he raised his brow to Molly. ‘She means business, Mam. What’s she got in the carrier?’
Molly cupped his beloved face, then grinned. ‘That carrier bag is going to be the centre of attention all night, sunshine, but it will be worth it, I promise yer.’
And Molly’s promise came true, for, as Bob was to say to Bridie as they were getting ready for bed, ‘Nellie McDonough is Laurel and Hardy, Charlie Chase and Charlie Chaplin, all rolled into one.’ And when Bridie reminded him he’d left out Buster Keaton, Bob replied, ‘Aye, him as well!’
When Molly and Nellie first arrived they all thought there was something special in the bag, and they tried to peep when she held it out to them. But Nellie soon put them wise in no uncertain terms. They could look, but not touch. She did her Shirley Temple’s ‘On The Good Ship Lollipop’ with the bag hanging from her arm, and Mae West’s ‘It’s not the men in my life, but the life in my men’ with her face copying the famous actresses’ expressions. And the more her audience laughed, the more outrageous she became.
It was when Bridie called a halt while they had a cup of tea that the loudest laugh of the night came. Molly was sitting at the table with her ma and da and Nellie, while Rosie and Tommy made the tea. Nellie had stood the bag in the middle of the table for safety, but Tommy wasn’t to know this, and he put out a hand to move it. ‘You touch that bag, lad, and I’ll knock yer into the middle of next week.’
‘It’s only
a bag, Auntie Nellie,’ Tommy told her.
‘Only a bag!’ Nellie’s expression was indescribable. ‘That’s not one of the cheap paper bags yer get in shops round here. That’s strong, and it’s got handles. And it’s made of linoleum, like what my tablecloth is.’
‘It is strong, Auntie Nellie.’ Tommy thought it was really hilarious. ‘But it’s still only a bag. An empty bag, at that. My Rosie’s bag is made of hessian, and that’s just as strong.’
‘Oh, now, me darling beloved, my bag isn’t as good as Mrs Mac’s. Look at the lovely shine on hers,’ Rosie said. ‘Sure mine isn’t a patch on it.’
Tommy loved seeing his Auntie Nellie in action, so he egged her on. ‘It’s still only a bag, sweetheart. It can’t talk or do anything useful, like going for a walk. I can’t see what all the fuss is about.’
Nellie’s head was jerking from side to side. ‘If yer don’t stop insulting my posh bag, the one what I carried me wedding outfit in, lad, then yer’ll have a lot of explaining to do to yer boss and mates when yer go into work on Monday, because yer’ll be gummy after I’ve knocked all yer teeth out.’ She turned to Molly. ‘He won’t be yer handsome son any more, or Rosie’s dearly beloved.’
The loudest laugh came from Tommy. ‘Oh, Auntie Nellie, yer never change, do yer? That’s why I love you so much I’d be willing to let yer knock me teeth out, if it wasn’t for Rosie. Yer see I don’t think I’d get many kisses if I was gummy.’
Molly received a sharp dig in the ribs before Nellie told her, ‘I would have thumped him, yer know, even though he is yer son. The only thing stopping me was that I’d have to jump up and down to reach him, and everyone would see me knickers.’
Molly tried to look sympathetic. ‘I understand, sunshine, and I think we should be making tracks home because it’s getting late.’
‘I’ll walk with yer, Mam,’ Tommy said, ‘’cos it’s getting dark out.’