Lingus

by Mariana Zapata

  He stood right outside the door when I made my way out, his back facing the crowd behind him, but he looked up the moment he heard the door swing. Bright eyes looked me over so quickly I almost missed it but didn't. "I was starting to worry you fell in the toilet."

  I rolled my eyes at him, but smiled. "I didn't even take that long."

  "I know," he said, and we started walking toward where he found me. "So... I didn't catch your name..."

  "It's Kat, well Katherine, but everyone calls me Kat," I said, and his face snapped up to peer at mine. He even stopped walking.

  "You do porn?" he asked really low, like he didn't want anyone to hear the question. Tristan had a confused expression on his face. He looked at me again, up and down, like he was assessing me.

  "No!" I huffed and almost said something that I definitely shouldn't and could never bring up. "I mean, no, I don't. Why?"

  His eyes narrowed. "Kat sounds like a porn stage name. Next thing I know you'll tell me your last name is Lips or something."

  My face blanched because for the first time in my life, I really thought about my God given name. Suddenly my lady bits reminded me of two hamburger buns for some stupid reason. I felt like I was giving in to my childhood nickname: Cheeseburger. To your average eight year old, Berger was as good as burger.

  Holy shit. My name could pass for a porn name.

  "It's Berger," I croaked out, mortified. Seriously? Kat fucking Burger, I could see it now on the cover of a DVD at the XXX Super Video down the street from my apartment. It was bad enough that I'd grown up getting called a cheeseburger, hamburger, and a kitty burger. As an adult, Josh called me Booger after our professor butchered my last name for an entire semester, calling me Katherine Booger for three and a half long months. But this was in a league of its own. I could already imagine Nicole telling me that I needed to get my burger eaten.

  The smile on his face started out small as my words sunk in, then it grew and grew until it was so big and bright, there was no need to have any lights on in our near vicinity. He was amused beyond belief, and then he started laughing. "That's rich," he spit out between laughs. "I'm sure your parents never intended to give you such a usable name."

  We started walking again, but he kept chuckling. "You aren't a stalker or anything? I guess I probably should have thought about that before telling you my last name."

  "Nah, I gave up my stalker days after the last time I got a restraining order against me." He gave me a crooked grin when he slightly turned his head to look at me. "My last name is King, if it makes you feel any better. You aren't a stalker either, right?"

  I couldn't help but shrug at him, playing along. I kept telling myself not to think about how cute he was inside and out because he already admitted to me that he was here with a friend. What kind of friend, I didn't know, but there was one thing I did know— I was not a home wrecker. I pushed the thought out of my head because if he had a girlfriend and she was here, there would be no way in hell he would be walking around by himself.

  "No, I'm not," I said to him.

  There was a ringing sound that I recognized as robot noises coming from the front pocket of his hoodie. Tristan pulled his phone out and looked at the screen, frowning. He looked back up at me, but the light in the spot we were in was so dark, I could only see one side of his clear, smooth face. "I need to go meet up with someone," he sighed. It almost seemed like he was disappointed to get the phone call, but I didn't allow myself to dwell on his body language.

  "Okay." I forced a smile onto my face.

  Tristan took a step back. Standing back under the light, and despite the fact that the brim of his hat covered a good portion of him, I could tell he was grinning. "Put the bat signal up in case you get lost trying to find the restroom again and I'll come to the rescue, okay?"

  "Okay," I repeated, a very real smile now taking the place of the one I forced out a split second before.

  He took another step back, still facing me. "Bye, Kat," he practically purred out before turning and heading back in a different direction.

  Who knows how long I stood in the middle of the aisle, looking in the direction he walked. I couldn't even process my thoughts at the moment until a stinging sensation at the back of my head pulled me out of the parallel universe I was just visiting. This parallel universe consisted exclusively of Tristan and I, not an entire convention dedicated to porn.

  "What the hell took so long? You get diarrhea again?" Nicole's all too familiar voice asked from behind while the she-demon tugged at my ponytail again.

  "Oooh, I hate it when I get the runs in public places," Zoey winced as she stepped in front of me.

  "I don't have diarrhea," I whispered loudly, so much so that it really couldn't be considered a whisper.

  Nicole rolled her eyes as she grabbed my wrist. "C'mon then, we still have a few more hours left here, and Zoey is done being a porn star for the day."

  I looked down at my watch to see what time it was, and realized we hadn't even been there for two hours yet.

  Something told me this is going to be the longest day of my life.

  Chapter 5

  I almost shitted my pants when I saw Sarah Love, an old friend from high school, signing autographs at a booth we had passed.

  When we were in school, Sarah was one of those girls who really kept to herself. While I certainly wasn't one of the popular kids, I did have a handful of friends that I hung out with regularly, while Sarah's shyness and quiet nature kept her circle of acquaintances much smaller than mine. She was a sweet girl and the last time I had seen her, which was at graduation, she had told me she was heading to UCLA for college.

  Interesting.

  "Close your mouth before someone shoves a dildo in there," Nicole laughed from my side.

  Instinctively, I shut my trap, noticing that my mouth was, indeed, hanging wide open while I looked at my old classmate. "We went to high school together," I whispered to her, and she nodded.

  "She's probably making more money now than we do," Nikki waggled her eyebrows and Zoey, who was on the other side of Nikki, snorted.

  It was a well known fact in our small square of friends, which consisted of us three and Josh, that Zoey made a killing in her "profession," as she called it. Our Zoey was a modest little thing who never bragged about how much money she made, or even mentioned when she got a new job. In fact, the first time she got paid more than twelve hundred dollars for a scene, you would have figured she won the lottery by her screams.

  It was her agent's idea to keep her solely with the girl-on-girl scenes, and it's for that reason that Zoey was so popular. I figured it had something to do with men wanting what they can't have, but aren't all people like that? Even though she was only paid to be with other women, she didn't consider herself a lesbian or straight, she was just Zoey. That was enough for me.

  When I first met her, it was the summer before I started college while we worked at a bookstore together. I was a refrigerator, she was a magnet, and we just clicked together over our love of reading. Every other friendship I'd had before ours seemed shallow in comparison after only a few short weeks. We seemed to understand and respect each other at a cellular level, and the fact that she happened to be the sweetest and happiest person I'd ever met, only added to my nearly instantaneous love for her. After my dad met her, he told me that she reminded him of my mom, endearing her to me that much more.

  She had always dreamed of becoming a star, and for years I followed her from audition to audition for moral support. Zoey never got any roles she really wanted, unfortunately. So, when one of her other actor friends mentioned how much money he was making "fucking girls," an imaginary light bulb lit up in her head. She wasn't involved in any serious relationships and didn't have any issues with her body, so it was an easy choice for her. Based on the look on her face while she signed an autograph for a fan that approached her while we walked around, I didn't think she regretted her decision at all. She loved attention so this career was
perfect.

  "What time is your boyfriend signing autographs?" Nicole asked, referring to my own personal version of Calum Burro.

  An image of short brown hair and a perfect penis floated around in my head for a second before I snapped out of it and flipped through the pamphlet for information. "At five, by the food vendors."

  Nikki smirked and stopped at a booth with more glass dildos like the ones she had looked at when we first got to the convention. I swore she was a dildo connoisseur. "Are you going to cream your panties when you see him?"

  "Probably. Did you have to change your underwear after you saw Calum?"

  She shook her head, this time leaning closer to the dildos instead of holding them up to her face. "Nah. I didn't bother wearing any," the blonde hussy cackled, while Zoey and I laughed.

  "I was wondering what that stain on the back of your pants was," I said.

  "That would explain why those people were pointing and laughing at you a second ago," Zoey chimed in.

  "Fuck you both," Nicole hissed, but the smile on her face gave her away.

  Zoey leaned into me, but kept her eye on Nikki, completely disregarding the masterpieces on the table. "I've always told you, you could make some extra money..."

  Nikki just shrugged like usual when Zoey started mentioning doing porn. For all the shit-talking she does along with the amount of casual sex she's had, Nikki was extremely private and closed off around people she doesn't know. You get to know the bitch first; I think it was her test to see who she lets into her life. Hence, the reason why she only has three friends.

  "Miss Star?" a small voice asked from behind.

  Zoey spun around slowly on the balls of her feet and a big smile on her face to see a young, Asian guy standing there with his face flushed. "Hi darling," she cooed, going from the Zoey Quinn I knew who talked about her bowel movements like it was every one's business, to Zoey Star.

  "Do you mind taking a picture with me?" he asked. I noticed that even the tips of his ears turned red, and I had to smile at the guy. "Please?"

  "Of course!" she answered him, in a huskier voice than her natural one.

  I really tried my best not to laugh at her because I knew that this was a part of her persona. The real Zoey, the one I've been friends with for years before she got that star tattooed on her hip, had a major crush on Joe Jonas, and farted in front of me on a regular basis.

  Oh, the wonders of appearances.

  Chapter 6

  "I'm going to punch that bitch in the cunt," Nicole attempted to mumble, but her naturally loud voice was anything but subtle. Part of me also knows that she really doesn't give a shit who hears what she says.

  Nikki was infamous for messing with people. She made an old woman cry at a Black Friday sale a couple years back. Not to mention the countless other people she's reduced to puddles of piss in the courtroom. Her middle name should have been Ruthless.

  Her hazel eyes were locked on a petite Hispanic girl lying across a table signing autographs. Her inky hair was pulled back into pigtails — her trademark — and she was dressed in a slutty Catholic school girl outfit.

  "Want me to remind her she's too old to be dressed like that?" I asked my best friend, elbowing her side.

  She just smirked, never taking her eyes off the cute girl, reminding me of a pit bull ready to attack. "Do it right before I punch her."

  "Don't do it, Nicole!" Zoey squealed, slipping her small body between Nikki's and mine. "You'll get kicked out of here, if you do it."

  "It'd be worth it," the sandy-haired bombshell said through gritted teeth.

  I was actually a little scared for the girl's safety. If my memory served me correctly, I was pretty sure her name was Maya. The reason why Nicole wanted to rip out her uterus was because the love of her life did some pretty dirty things to Maya a couple months back. I told Nikki not to watch the video, but she did it anyway.

  A hole appeared in her wall shortly after watching it, so you could imagine how that went.

  I think Nikki had secretly dreamed of being the first recipient of Calum's tongue doing those freaky things and Maya had ruined that dream.

  Zoey managed to distract our resident serial killer wannabe by leading her toward a booth with all kinds of books. Well, all kinds of sexual books. The three of us squeezed in together, asses pressed up against hips and stomachs while we browsed the collection on the table.

  "Anything I can help you beautiful ladies out with?" a soft voice asked.

  I looked up to see a pair of clear, gray eyes looking at us inquisitively. "No, we're just looking, thank you," I answered. The guy was young, maybe in his mid to late twenties and pretty cute with a mess of light brown hair and a sweet smile. He looked like someone I knew, but I couldn't figure out who.

  Zoey picked up a small, pocket sized Kama Sutra book and held it in front of Nikki's face. "Hey, didn't you want this?"

  I browsed the different titles splayed out, touching each spine carefully, but I felt a warm gaze on me. I looked up to see gray orbs still looking at me. The guy smiled, looking embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure out if I know you from anywhere. You look really familiar."

  Oh my God.

  It hit me.

  He was one of my student's brothers.

  Well, technically, an old student.

  Dylan's fourth grade class, the one I taught throughout the fall and spring semester, let out for summer a little more than a month before.

  Growing up, I had wanted to be an astronaut. My plan was to study aeronautical engineering and go work at NASA. All it took to kill my childhood dream was an advanced Calculus class my senior year in high school, and that dream went down the drain like dishwater. According to some bullshit requirement for majoring in engineering, you had to be really good at math. Huh. Calculus, or just math in general, were a sworn enemy to the Berger family. Who could've known? My dad told me about his failure at everything besides basic arithmetic when he consoled me after my broken career dreams.

  It was my dad, Frank, who brought up the idea of going into teaching; he egged me on by reminding me how much I liked kids and how much kids liked me. With that in mind, along with the added bonus of getting summers off, my fate was sealed. I loved my first class of kids even though they were a bunch of little dingleberries at times, but I reminded myself daily that some adults were full-blown shit-heads all the time. I figured I was doing the world a favor by shaping the young minds of potential little butt-heads and hopefully steering them toward a less asshole-ish existence in the future.

  In that moment, when the gray eyes relaxed and his face flushed, I was in doubt that I had made the right choice. I could tell he remembered where he knew me from. He had come to pick up Dylan enough times to recognize me.

  I steeled my back deciding to be the adult here, he was at the convention too, so who was he to say anything? "Dylan's brother, right?" I verified, trying to keep my voice even.

  "Yeah, Ms. Berger?" he asked, scratching absently at the side of his face.

  I laughed, but it sounded really awkward. It didn't help that Zoey made a stupid noise in response to the tension radiating off of us. "It's Katherine," I told him, ignoring the moron next to me.

  We stared at each other for a moment, which felt like it lasted forever before Nicole started cackling at the tension. "Well, that was awkward," she said to Zoey, who nodded all too eagerly in response.

  My face was so hot; it felt like my cheeks were going to melt off. "Yeah, well, uh, it was nice seeing you?" It came out of my mouth more like a question than a statement. "I'll see you later." I almost told him to say hi to Dylan for me, but that would be really fucking awkward. I could only imagine the explanation he'd have to come up with if Dylan asked where he'd seen me. Either way, I didn't even know why I said I'd see him later. The last thing I wanted to do was see him again.

  Zoey gasped for air between laughs as she followed me away from the table, while Nikki was probably buying her travel-sized book. "Oh
KAB, you crack me up."

  I shot her the dirtiest look I could muster, which really wasn't that dirty at all. I probably looked more constipated than angry. "Thank you for enjoying my agony."

  "It happens," she shrugged, smiling. "Remember when my brother called me after he found out what I was doing?"

  Ryan, Zoey's older brother, found out about his sister's pornographic occupation the worst way possible. By experiencing it. I was there when Zoey was listening through her voicemails one morning and the sound of his ear-splitting screams filled the line. I didn't think a man could reach that octave, but Ryan proved the impossible. Every other phrase on the recording was punctuated by "What the fuck!" and then followed by a pained scream. It took months, several conversations with me, and then another dozen with Zoey herself, to calm him down. He may have even gone to therapy because no one should see his or her sibling in that way— ever.