by Chunichi
“I did. I tried at least three more times. Every one of them died.” She smiled. “But it’s okay. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to have no kids. I’m cool with it. I’ll adopt some fuckin’ kids.” Her voice got squeaky. “Or maybe, maybe if you really are preggers, I can be the baby’s godmother.”
I squealed and hugged. “Of course, you can be the godmother. I love you, Danada.”
She got all teary-eyed and hugged me right back.
So we sat there and thought of names for the baby and shit.
“So if you have a girl, what are you going to name it—I mean her?”
“I know I want a different name. And I don’t want no ghetto shit like Bomquisha. Or that shit white people name their baby after, forests and shit.”
Danada cracked up.
“And if it’s a boy?”
Shit! That was the first time I realized since we were talking about this baby shit that I didn’t even consider who the father was. I had only had sex with Gutter, Li’l Murder, and Murder. But it could only be Murder, ’cause he was the only one to hit it raw. Awww fuck! He was the last person I wanted my baby to be by.
“So who is the daddy?” Danada questioned like she read my thoughts.
“Oh, girl, when me and you wasn’t talking, I hooked up with this dude,” I lied.
“Damn, girl! You work fast! We only stopped talking for a week. Was he cute? ’Cause you can’t be having no ugly baby,” she joked.
“Naw. He was fine. Brown, creamy-ass skin, girl. White, straight teeth, and some curly hair.”
“Not the nappy shit?”
“Naw, girl, not the nappy shit.”
“So what happened with you and him?”
“Girl, he had a teeny-weeny dick. I’m surprised his sperm was able to shoot into me.”
Danada stomped her feet and burst into loud laughter. “Girl, I done had a few fools like that!”
I was just glad she believed my lie. So I laughed too. I was never ever going to tell Murder it was his kid. Ever!
“I’m gonna have to steal a lot of cars to get this money up for my godchild.”
I looked at her and smiled. “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” started ringing in my head again. Then it hit me. “Danada!”
“What?”
“Star. That’s what the baby’s name will be.”
“Even if it’s a boy?”
“I ain’t having no boy, you’ll see.”
“Diamond Grey.”
I stood, took a deep breath, and followed a short Hispanic lady who looked like she barely made it to four feet. I followed her into one of the rooms, where they had one of them beds with some silver stems hanging from its sides. What the fuck is that?
She told me quickly, “Strip naked.” Then she slipped out of the door.
I did as she ordered and slipped the paper gown over my shoulders that sat on the bed. I lay back on the bed and rubbed my hands up and down my protruding stomach. The possibility of being pregnant made me happier and happier by the minute. And now that I knew I had Danada there to support me, I was at ease.
I knew my daddy and that bitch of a woman, Rhonda, wouldn’t be any help. And, to tell the truth, I didn’t need to take no test to tell me I was pregnant either. I could feel it.
But, still, when the white Dr. Issac came into the room with the nurse that was there earlier and told me, “Well, young lady, it appears you are pregnant. Your test came back positive,” I couldn’t stop cheesing like I had just won a billion dollars.
He gave me a weird look and said dryly, “Well, it appears that you’re happy about this.”
His comment made me drop my ear-to-ear grin. “Why the fuck shouldn’t I be?” I wanted to demand of his bitch ass. But since he was going to be my doctor, I couldn’t have him giving me bullshit checkups and examining me with an attitude. I was now carrying some precious cargo.
I kept a smile on my face and said, “Yes, sir, I am. I’m very happy. I shouldn’t be?”
“Well, you’re only fifteen. What are you going to do with a baby?”
“Everything that wasn’t done to me. I’m going to love her, protect her, make sure no harm comes her way. Make sure she goes to school, gets good grades, eats all her vegetables. Make sure she stays away from drugs, and make sure no one abuses her in any way. Check to see if she is warm at night, teach her what a period is, and how to put on a pad or a tampon. Make sure she always has clean clothes. And kiss and hug her every single day.”
He stared at me like he thought I was crazy. He shrugged and said, “Why don’t you relax, lie down, and put your feet in the stirrups.”
I lay down and did as he told me to, placing my feet in the stirrups. “This will feel a little uncomfortable.”
I watched him put some cream on a device. “What is that?”
“I said, relax. It’s just to open you up, that’s all.”
“Well, what is it? You not just gonna stick some shit up in me and I don’t know what it is.”
“It’s called a speculum,” he said impatiently.
“Okay.”
He barely slid it inside of me, and it started making a sound like a tool, before it snapped me open. I screamed out in pain, but he ignored me. It felt cold as hell.
“Now I’m going to collect some fluid from you to be tested in the laboratory.”
My eyes widened as I watched him snatch up a long swab, and before he could stick it in me, I yelled, “Wait!”
He froze and popped his head from between my legs.
“What is it?” he asked with a frown.
“You can’t stick that into me. You gonna hurt my baby. You may stab her in the eye.”
“Relax.”
The nurse said, “Calm down.”
I ignored her and lay back down. “Don’t stick that in me.” I peeked up again and noticed that he ignored me and tried to dip it into me anyway. I pulled myself up quickly and snatched it out of his hand. At this point, tears were in my eyes at the possibility of the doctor harming my baby. “I said don’t stick that shit into me, muthafucka!”
“Calm down,” the nurse told me again.
“Shut up!” I fired at her.
“You need to keep your legs closed because you certainly don’t need to bring any more babies in the world. And at the event that you do manage to bring this baby into the world, I feel sorry for it”
“Fuck you! I’m gonna be a good mother, you punk-ass doctor!”
The nurse rushed out of the room, and came back with a black doctor, while Dr. Isaac stared down at me.
Through my tears, I saw the black doctor looked really young and was fine. He took one look at me then at the red-faced doctor. “I got it, Ted.”
“Say no more.” Dr. Isaac had his hands up like he was in surrender. He offered me a smile.
I frowned.
“What’s your name, sweetie?”
“Why you asking?”
“Because I would like to know your name, so I can properly introduce myself.”
“My name is Diamond. You look kind of young, you sure you know what you doing?”
“My name is Dr. Sojl, and thus far, I have delivered exactly forty-seven babies.”
“You sure it wasn’t four?”
He chuckled. He had some white-ass teeth. “Why don’t you let me show you?”
“I don’t want nobody hurting my baby. Please.”
He nodded. “Diamond, I swear to you, I’m not going to hurt your baby. All I am going to do is swab you so I can I collect some of your fluids. That way, if you have anything that could hurt the baby, we can treat you now so the baby is out of harm’s way. Do you understand?”
I nodded, feeling tears run down my face. I lay back down and allowed him to swab me. Just as quickly as he slipped it in, he slipped it out and put it into a container that he put a top on.
“Okay, now I’m just going to feel the head. You may feel a little pressure.” He pressed down on my stomach, while sliding fingers inside of m
e. “Okay. Feels fine,” he said.
Then he went to the sink and pulled off the gloves. He washed his hands and came back to my stomach with some device. He placed it on my stomach, and my breath caught in my chest.
I could hear my baby’s heartbeat. More tears streamed down my face. And as I looked at the doctor, it seemed like his eyes got watery too. And I just couldn’t stop smiling.
“Okay, why don’t you go on and get dressed. The baby is fine. Right now, it looks to be almost five months, so I’ll be seeing you back in another month.”
I stopped listening after he said five months. That meant in four more months I would have a baby. I had no idea I was that far along.
“Is it a girl?”
“Now, that I don’t know.”
“I know it is.”
He gave me a smile before he said, “See you in another month.” And he and the nurse left the room.
Chapter 13
“I don’t even know why I’m bothering to tell y’all, but I am. I’m four and half months pregnant. I’m keeping the baby, and I don’t give a fuck what y’all say or even think. I’m not getting an abortion!”
I was on the couch in the living room, facing Rhonda and facing my daddy, who were both seated on the couch across from me. He didn’t so much as open his eyes at what I said, so who knows if he even heard the shit. I hated his ass.
But Rhonda sure had a lot to say. “Well, shit, you act like this the first time you been pregnant!”
“I ain’t never been pregnant before.”
“Girl, go on with that bullshit. As fast and hoish as you are, it ain’t no telling how many bastards you aborted.”
“Don’t get me confused with you.”
“Don’t get confused. Say the wrong thing and get fucked up!” She waved one fist in the air.
“Daddy, why you let her talk to me like that? She ain’t my fucking mama.”
He ignored me. It was always like that, so I don’t even know why I complained to him.
And Rhonda was too big a bitch for me to take down. So it wasn’t any use in fighting her, although I wanted to.
Once when I was eight, with the fear of a lion, I made a move on her and tried to take her down. I got tired of her slapping me upside my head and calling me out my name. So I went into my room and did about fifty push-ups and exactly seventy jumping jacks. Then I jogged from our apartment to down the street.
I then went into the living room and sat across from her and calmly stared at her while she watched TV. And, sure enough, she said, “Bitch, what the fuck you looking at?”
I lunged from the couch and leaped on her, so my little body was straddling hers. My hands went straight for her neck. My little fingers were determined to choke the life out of her. It was the only way for me and my daddy to get rid of her. I was making snarling sounds, and I continued to choke her.
The choking only lasted for about a good ten seconds before she took one of her arms and elbowed me right in my neck. I flew to the floor and couldn’t breathe right for a good ten minutes.
“Who the daddy?” Rhonda demanded, snapping me back into the present.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s not like you give a fuck about me.”
“You right, I don’t. I mean, I’m just glad that my assumptions about you was correct. I always knew you weren’t gonna be shit, Diamond. But, damn! You could have at least waited until you were sixteen to get knocked up.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“And you need to stop faking the funk, saying none of my business. You don’t know who the fucking daddy is.”
“Yes, I do!”
“Yeah,” she sneered at me. “You know all right. How you know when you servicing all them men, girl?”
“What men?”
“Look at you, trying to play innocent. I know what you and Danada do.”
I took a deep breath.
Yeah, Danada had told me that a couple times she had to visit the track and work. But it was how Murder punished her. She was down like me in the carjacking game. We made more money jacking cars. And I never worked the track, and didn’t plan on doing that. It was enough what I did with Murder, Li’l Murder, and Gutter. I didn’t really like sex anyhow, so I couldn’t imagine selling my body for money, unless it was to feed my baby.
“Diamond, please. You be out there trickin’ and hoin’. Stop with the lies.”
“I ain’t lyin’.”
“Okay. Then how were you able to buy all of that shit? Huh? You got a fuckin’ three-hundred-dollar phone. I saw that commercial, bitch. I know how much it cos’.”
She couldn’t say cost. Illiterate bitch.
“And you got all those expensive tennis shoes too.”
“Why the fuck you all up in my business?” I jumped to my feet and got up in her face.
“You better sit the fuck down, for you not be carryin’ shit.”
I sat back in the seat I had abandoned, not taking my eyes from hers.
“And to answer your question, bitch, because I can be. And I knew your time would come where you would let somebody knock you on up. You betta kiss them clothes and shoes good-bye, ’cause another little bitch or little bastard ain’t living in here for free.”
“Don’t talk about my baby.”
“Fuck your baby!”
I wanted to kick her in the mouth for already disrespecting my unborn child. I could care less what she thought about me, but my baby, that was different.
“I really hate you, Rhonda. You just an ugly, miserable bitch.”
“Keep talking, bitch. I’ll kick you right in your stomach and make you throw that fuckin’ baby up on this living room floor.”
I knew she would, so I bit my bottom lip to refrain from commenting again.
“You ain’t gonna be no better mother than your mama was to you. You probably gonna abandon her like your mammy abandoned your ass.”
“I’m gonna be a good mother. You watch and see. And I couldn’t imagine giving up my baby. I could never do that shit to my own flesh and blood. And, truth be told, I don’t know how my mama did it neither. So when you calling her out her name and saying how trifling she is, as much as I don’t like you either, you right. And that shit don’t hurt me.”
For some reason, instead of her being satisfied that I was agreeing with her, it seemed like my comments made her upset. Her lips trembled. Then she rose and walked out of the room.
Chapter 14
Over the next few months I eased back from going to Murder’s house, although he kept asking Danada where I was. I knew I had no business going over there. I had a baby in my stomach. And I didn’t have any intention of telling him that I was carrying his baby. Hell, no! My child didn’t need to have a father like him anyway.
I also didn’t need to be around people smoking weed and shit. And I didn’t need to be out in the streets. I wanted my baby to be healthy. So my only companion during my pregnancy was Danada. Every week, she was tossing money my way to put up for the baby. She was stealing two cars a week now. The shit was crazy. She told me she tried to take a brand-new Impala and almost got pulled over by the cops.
“Girl, you better be careful. I’m gonna need your help raising this baby girl.”
To that, she just cracked up laughing. “Don’t worry. It’s gonna be like the baby got two moms.”
And I believed her. She was now like a sister tome.
I stopped going to school and filled my days with eating, going for walks, and resting.
I got into a school called Reed, where I went and got work packets, did them, and dropped them back off. I made sure I put the freshest fruits and vegetables in my body. Every Friday, me and Danada would catch the bus downtown and go to the Farmers Market and get all kinds of shit. I stuffed myself with strawberries, watermelon, papaya, and mangoes. I ate the mangoes like them muthafuckas were going out of style.
See, the thing was, I never had a problem eating vegetables. I just didn’t ever remember Rhonda making
them. So Danada had to teach me how to cook them. I learned how to make everything, from cabbage made with sausage, bacon, hammocks and onion, to fried okra, spinach, and collard greens.
I could finish a pot of greens on my own. I had a greedy fucking baby. I was huge as well. I couldn’t see my feet anymore, and my ass was sticking out as much as my tummy. My breasts felt like I was carrying jugs of water around, so my back was always killing me. But nothing else seemed to get big on me.
Once I turned seven months, Rhonda dragged me down to the County Office and signed me up for county. It was funny. We had got there at eight a.m. sharp but had waited over seven hours. It was no wonder Rhonda had made herself a lunch. And she didn’t offer me any of it, even though she knew I was carrying a baby.
She smacked on a bologna and hot sauce sandwich right in front of me. Then she pulled out a bag of Doritos and demolished it. Then she guzzled a soda.
And I could have sworn her crackhead ass went into the bathroom and got high. Because she was gone for fifteen minutes and came back with bulging eyes and an expression on her face that looked like she just got fucked. And I knew the security noticed her high ass. But he looked the other way.
Once her high went down and the monkey returned to her back, she stepped back in her bitch mode. “I would tell you to lie about your knowing your baby daddy’s whereabouts, but you probably wouldn’t be lying.”
“Don’t start that shit.”
“Yeah. You betta just sit there and follow my lead when we go in there and talk to the man.”
I ignored her and pressed my hands to my stomach and squealed as the baby kicked me. The doctor said I would be able to start to feel her move any day now, and I was waiting for this moment. Only, I would have preferred to have shared it with Danada, or alone.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I smiled and kept rubbing my tummy. “My baby just kicked me.”
“You could have kept that shit to yourself. I don’t wanna hear anything about your bastard.”
“Yeah, but you asked.”
When they finally called me, I was relieved. The lady didn’t ask me shit, just made sure I filled out everything correctly. She said I would receive my Independence Card in the mail.