by Chunichi
There was a brief silence.
She stood and took the gun and aimed it at me.
I dropped completely to my knees, but I didn’t say anything. If it’s my time—Fuck it!—It’s my time.
“I wish I had all those hoes he fucked the whole time he was with me lined up here so I could blow all of their heads off.”
I nodded and started sobbing as quietly as I could. My bladder exploded in my pants, and pee ran down my legs.
Suddenly she took the gun off me and shook her head. “Naw, this ain’t your fault. It’s mine.”
I watched horrified as she placed the gun deep in her mouth and pulled the trigger. The shot blew out the back of her head, and blood and brains splattered everywhere, including on me. And her body wasn’t moving.
I stood to my feet quickly, screaming all the way, and ran out of the house. I ran for my dear life like that gun was still pointed at me.
So many questions were in my head. Why was my life so fucked up? Why did my baby have to be taken away? And why did my mama have to leave me to a life like this?
The house was empty when I got home. I stood in the living room looking around. Enough was enough. I knocked the only TV we had over. Then I lifted it with all my strength and threw it into the wall, shattering the screen instantly and leaving a big hole in the wall. I grabbed Rhonda’s boom box and swung it into the wall over and over again, smashing it into pieces. Then I took her collection of ten bootleg CDs and broke all of them into pieces.
I stalked into the kitchen for the knife and went into the living room and stabbed both couches as many times as my energy would allow. Then I took the knife and destroyed all the pillows, until feathers were all in the air and covered the dirty carpet.
I went back into the kitchen and removed every article of food from the refrigerator and tossed meat, bread, eggs, ketchup, and mustard, whatever my hands came into contact with, all over the walls, until I could see no more walls. I broke every dish we had in the house, which wasn’t a lot, but now we had none.
Then I went in the bedroom that Rhonda and my daddy shared. I pulled out every single shoe Rhonda and my daddy had and put them in the tub with all her and my dad’s clothes. I grabbed a bottle of bleach from underneath the bathroom cabinet and poured it over all of the clothes until they were drenched and the strong smell filled the air.
I went back into the room to see what else I could destroy. But there was pretty much nothing left, except for the dirty mattress they slept on, and rails that threatened to collapse any minute. I grabbed the butcher knife and flipped over the mattress, prepared to stab up the mattress like I had did both the couches, but something resting on the floor between the rails caught my eye. It was a big yellow manila envelope.
I dropped the butcher’s knife and grabbed it. I tore it open and emptied the contents onto the space on the floor in front of me. Inside were letters and cards. I saw a pretty birthday card with pink balloons on it that read, “For a very special girl.”
I flipped open the card and read it. “This is for Diamond’s birthday. I am sending two hundred dollars. Please buy her something special with it.”
There was a total of sixteen cards, and the stamp was always for the month of March. My birthday was in March, and they were all addressed to me. And they were always from a lady named Deidra Grey. It had to be my mother. It had to be.
I flipped through the rest of the cards, and a folded piece of thick paper fell into my lap. With shaking hands, I peeled it. It was a birth certificate. I took a deep breath and scanned it. It had my name Diamond Deshanae Grey, born March 24, 1993.
I searched for the name Deidra Grey under mother’s name, but my world was when I saw Rhonda Lashawn Grey, Mother. The paper dropped, and my hand holding it slipped over my mouth. My heart thudded in my chest like a drum, and it seemed like the room started spinning. Rhonda was my mother.
I took a deep breath ’cause, for a second, I had stopped breathing. Tears slipped from my eyes. The whole time I been hating my mother and wondering where she was and she was right in front of me.
I shifted through the stack of cards, hoping to discover something else. There was also a letter addressed to Rhonda. It read:
I’m not going to debate with you over this again. You have made your decision to keep Diamond, and I have no choice but to accept it. I only hope you get past whatever issues you have so that you can raise her the right way. Diamond is a blessing, despite how you see it. And what love you may not be willing to give to her, trust me, sister, I am willing. So again, if you do not want her, I will gladly take her and give her the love that she needs.
I have opened up a home for young girls in Los Angeles. It is a non-profit where we use Christ to help young girls turn their lives around. We offer drug counseling, job training, parenting classes, and we help them get their GED. Feel free to visit some time. Here is the address: 1515 Normandy Ave, Los Angeles CA 90061.
Take care,
Deidra.
I also found a copy of a money order. It was addressed to Rhonda Grey, and the purchaser’s name was Tabitha Black. What tripped me out more than seeing that white bitch’s name on the money order was the amount: Three hundred dollars. Rhonda had sold my baby for three hundred dollars. I could get more for a stolen car. They sold my baby. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I wasn’t stupid. I knew they did. But who the fuck is gonna believe me?
Still I grabbed all the cards, papers, and the money order and stuffed them back in the manila envelope. Then I went into my room and changed my clothes. I took the now empty pillowcase that I had brought home the day I had brought Star home. I stuffed it with some of my clothes. Then I stuffed the manila envelope in there as well. One of Star’s receiving blankets was on the floor. I grabbed it and put it to my nose.
I broke down crying again, as her sweet smell was still on there. There I was trying to have my baby, to take care of her, love her, make sure she was clean safe, and she was snatched away from me.
I stuffed it in there too.
And all these years Rhonda had me and never loved or wanted me, why did she lie to me all these years, saying my mother had abandoned me? And why couldn’t she she ever show me any type of love or affection?
I figured I could get the answers to my question from the lady Deidra, and that was where I was off to. I walked out of my room, went into the living room, glanced around, and took in how fucked up it was, as fucked up as I felt.
Chapter 22
I got off the bus, on the corner, and searched for the address. There was a small business located next to a liquor store and a Laundromat. It had a sign that said, Distinguished Ladies Inc. I knew this was the place that Deidra owned. I didn’t know anything about Rhonda’s family. It was hard as hell to think of her as my mother. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to call her that or accept it.
I urgently pressed the buzzer on the iron gate. An older woman walked out and came to the gate. I wondered if she was Deidra. I scanned her face to see if she had any features similar to Rhonda. She didn’t.
She offered a friendly smile once she made it to the gate. “Hello. May I help you?”
“Yes. I’m here to see Deidra Grey.”
“Is she expecting you?”
“Yes,” I lied
She opened the gate, and let me in. “Follow after me.”
I did as she requested, catching a glimpse of young girls hanging out by a swimming pool. Some of them had small children with them that they were playing with in the shallow end of the pool. It made me think about Star and what she was doing.
They all offered me smiles. I tried to smile back, but it was too tight to be called a smile.
“Well, I don’t know if she is here yet, but I didn’t want to leave you outside those gates. This is not the best neighborhood, you know.”
I nodded as we walked into a waiting room.
“Go ahead and have a seat, honey. I will check with her secretary to see if she is here.”<
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I watched her slip back into another room. I sat down and rubbed both of my hands together.
In a flash, the old woman came back out. “Deidra won’t be here for a few hours. Would you care to come back?”
Damn! I have to see her today. “I’ll wait.”
“Okay. But it will be a few hours.”
“Fine.”
She stared at me for a moment before walking away going back to the secretary.
I ended up there for the next three hours, but one thing was for sure, I wasn’t leaving until I spoke to her and she answered some questions for me.
Two hours later, when I couldn’t hold my pee any longer, I slipped away to use the bathroom.
When I came back, the secretary, a slender Hispanic woman, walked up to me and said, “Oh, there you are. I had hoped you hadn’t waited all this time and left. Deidra is here. You can go ahead and go into her office. It is to your right. You don’t have to knock, just go right in.”
I nodded and did as she said. I entered the room. Directly in the center was a big oval desk, and I saw a woman I would never even consider having any type of relation to Rhonda sitting behind the desk
The woman was beautiful. She had bronze-colored skin, the same complexion as me. Long silky black hair covered her head and hung around her shoulders. Her cheeks were round and plump, and when she smiled, dimples popped out. Her nose was long and dipped down long in the front. Her eyes were the only thing I could see that were similar to Rhonda’s, and as she sat I could see she wasn’t holding all the weight Rhonda held. But she was also tall like Rhonda.
She smiled at me, and placed one index finger in the air, telling me to wait a moment while she wrapped up her phone call. “Yes, we have a bed for you. Know we are always here to help, should you change your mind. Okay. God bless. Bye.
She turned to me with a bright look in her eyes. “How can I help you, young lady? Were you interested in becoming a part of our program?”
“No. I’ll get right to the point. My name is Diamond Grey. You are in some way related to my, my mother, Rhonda Grey.”
A hand went over her mouth like my hand went over mine when I read the birth certificate.
My eyes brushed over her long, slender, manicured fingers.
“Diamond?”
I nodded.
Before I could say another word, she stood, her shoulders shaking. “Can I hug you?”
I shrugged, not really wanting her to, but needing her to. So she walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders and her sobbing had me crying until I was literally bawling like I was a baby. Over my baby, over Danada, over confusion.
“I’m your aunt, baby. I don’t know if things are okay, but if they aren’t, they are going to be okay now.”
And we stayed that way for what seemed like fifteen minutes.
Snotty-nosed and eyes red, I finally pulled away from her. “Why?”
“Why what, baby?”
That’s when I told her, this woman that was pretty much a stranger to me. I told her everything. How my life had been, how Rhonda had treated me since I was little. How she abused me and let Otis sexually abuse me. How I had a baby and how it was taken away from me.
“Diamond, I know that I have not been there, but it wasn’t by choice. When your mother had you, I wanted to take you and keep you with me forever. Your mom wasn’t in a position to properly take care of you, so that is why she gave you to me.”
“Why wasn’t she able to take care of me?”
She struggled to get it out.
“Is it ’cause of the drugs? If so, you can say it. She done not only smoked drugs in front of me, but she offered me some.”
Her eyes got wide, and she nodded. “Yes. And she gave you to me. But she decided against her decision and came for you.”
“Why? I don’t get it. She never got off the drugs, so why bring me into a fucked-up life? I thought you were supposed to sacrifice for your child, that it ain’t about you anymore. And I’m not just talking about the drugs. Why wasn’t my mom willing to love me or give me to someone who was able to love me and want me? Why couldn’t”—My voice cracked—“Why couldn’t she love me?”
Her eyes were watery, and she said softly, “Oh, Diamond. I think your mother loves you.”
“She don’t. As sure as I’m black, that woman don’t love me.”
She nodded and put her head down.
“But I don’t get it. Were you guys molested? Beat? Why did she travel down a fucked-up path?”
“We had very good parents who are alive and well to this day, baby.”
“What? I had grandparents?”
“Well, where are they?”
“They actually stay in Georgia.”
“Then how did you two come out here?”
“Rhonda had always been a problem kid, but with me being out there, I was able to keep track of her, and most of all, she always looked up to me and listened to me. But once I left to come out here for college, she had gotten worse. My parents told me she was running with the wrong crowd, experimenting with drugs, stealing, and disrespecting them. So I told my mother to let Rhonda come out here and stay with me, and maybe I can get her on track. A track she has never ever been on. You understand?”
I nodded.
“But the only change she made was, getting worse. She started indulging in the wrong things out here, and like back home, she was associating with the wrong people. I took what my parents gave me, the love, the lessons, the morals, and I became what I became. Rhonda rejected it and became what she became.”
“So there was nothing, no particular reason other than Rhonda just chose to be a fuckup?”
Deidra nodded. “I’m afraid so. I said, if I ever saw you again, I would be honest with you, should you ever want to know.”
“On my birth certificate, it listed my father as unknown. All my life she told me that my father was Frederick, the guy that lives with us, and she always told me that my mother had abandoned me.”
Her eyes got wide again. “In her own way, Diamond, she did abandon you. And I am sorry, I don’t know who your father is. I never met him, and she never disclosed who he was to me. ”
I sure hope my daddy wasn’t Frederick.
“You know what? I had a fucked-up life, so I felt it was okay to have a fucked-up attitude. I have done some dumb stuff to people and to myself. I guess ever since I got pregnant with Star, I felt I needed to make some changes in my life because it’s not just about me anymore. Then that was snatched away from me. So then my attitude was like, fuck it, again.”
She placed my hands in hers. “You have had it hard. And I swear to you I wish I could have saved you, baby. You were always so precious to me. I remember I used to dress you in all this pink, and you loved it when I sang “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” to you.”
That’s why that song is always in my head. It’s her voice I keep hearing.
“I feel as though I have failed you as well. I backed away because I could not stand to see the life my sister had chosen for herself. But I would have never ever thought she would do those horrible things to her child.” She sniffled.
“But, baby, there is gonna have to be a moment where you step back, look at yourself and take personal responsibility for the choices you are making. There are people who have gone through some of the same things you have gone through, and they are still able to be good to people, they are still able to be right. They are also able to be successful. Diamond, that can be you too. And I can help you.”
I thought about the girl me and Danada had beat up on the bus, the house we robbed, all the cars I had stolen, sleeping with Murder, knowing he had a girl, the many grown people I had disrespected, and it made me feel so ashamed to be me. So ashamed, I didn’t want to hold my head up. It made me cry more.
“Diamond, with all that has been said and all that has been done to you, what do you want?”
No one had ever asked me that before, what I wanted.
And I didn’t even have to think about it. “I want my baby. Can you help me get my baby back?”
Without blinking, she said, “Yes. Anything else you want?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. What is it?”
“Justice. For all the Diamonds and Danadas walking around.”
Chapter 23
“Okay. Miss Grey, can you tell me who that lady seating directly across from you is?”
I took a deep breath and looked at the district attorney. “Yes. Her name is Tabitha Black. She is the one who took my baby away from me.”
“And what was her reason?”
“She said I signed some papers, allowing her to give my baby away.”
The DA held up the same papers that the lady had held up to me the day they took Star from me. “Are these those papers?”
“Yes, sir.”
There were murmurs in the courtroom. This time testifying against someone was not as bad as when I’d testified against my mother and Otis. In front of the jurors, judge, lawyers, and people in the courtroom, I had to recount in detail the times Otis had forced me to have sex with him and gave me the drugs. I had to also testify how he paid Rhonda to be able to do it. I was afraid to do it, but Deidra said this was my way of getting what I requested: Justice for the Diamonds and Danadas in the world.
Because of my testimony, they put both Rhonda and Otis behind bars, and they were going to be there for a long, long time. Rhonda was also going to get proscecuted for the case, for selling my baby. And this lady Tabitha was going to be in jail right along with them, where she deserved to be. And I would be happy when this was over ’cause all I wanted was to be able to hold my baby girl again.
The DA said to me, “Ms. Grey, do you mind signing your signature on this piece of paper?”
“No, sir.” I signed my first and last name like I normally did.
The DA showed the jurors the paper I signed and the signature on the adoption papers. Then he showed the paper to the judge.
“As you can see, both these signatures are completely different.”
The judge nodded.