Filthy Little Pretties

by Trilina Pucci

  “I spent the last five years boozing and fucking my way into shit self-esteem and a rock bottom that left indescribable wounds. I lied, cheated, and manipulated everyone and everything. But worse, I ruined a marriage by fucking a man who I shouldn’t have—one of my mom’s friends—uncaring about the repercussions because I was hellbent on destroying every single piece of me. I’ve spent five years trying to kill myself just like you. And like you, I started with my spirit before I ever got to my body. I’m the definition of scandal and embarrassment for my family. A real prize. And I hide it all away so people never see me because like you said…they couldn’t really love me if they knew me…nobody could, right?”

  Will Grey?

  Her arms wrap around my neck and pull me into a hug as the planet that’s been wedged between my shoulder blades lifts and I finally breathe for the first time. We stay like that for a long moment, before we pull away at the same time and smile at each other.

  “This is the kind of thing that makes us best friends. Every brunette does need her blonde, after all. It’s official, the guys have been unseated. Don’t worry, I’ll share the news.”

  I laugh and push her leg. “You’re terrible. But it’s bizarre, I didn’t see an end to the night like this. Thank you.”

  Caroline pulls her legs up, crisscrossed on the seat. “Are you kidding? It’s the least I can do for hating you for so long. I’ve never lived in anyone’s shadow, it’s cold…and you seemed to cast one everywhere you went.”

  She shrugs and lifts her perfectly shaped brows as I roll my eyes. “Bullshit. You have never been in my shadow. And I can think of twenty people who would agree with me. Starting with Kai, Grey, and Liam.”

  I reach for the water in the bar and hand her one, and I lean back into the seat, twisting the top. Her head is downcast, staring at the top of the bottle. “Confession for confession?”

  My answer is unneeded because she raises her chin, managing a sad grin, while wiping a tear that’s rolled down her cheek.

  “Do you know why Liam calls me Carebear?”

  I shake my head, tucking my hand between my legs.

  “He gave me that nickname last year. He said I wore my heart on my sleeve, that I loved too deeply. He swears that a person just has to look past the nasty bite I’ll inflict to protect myself, and they’ll see the real me. I know, it’s crazy.” She rolls her eyes at me, and I smile, knowing it sounds like Liam. “But he’s right. I’m a bear to deal with because my life has—” Her eyes close, and she takes a deep breath, opening them to reveal a fierceness. “I can’t ever seem to find my footing. You understand. I know you do. And when I finally did, you came along and served to remind me how inferior I am.”

  My head pulls back, and I stare at her. Inferior?

  But before I can speak, she grabs my wrist, tugging it from my legs, and holds my hand tightly. “I thought that I couldn’t stop hating you because he won’t stop loving you. But I could, if you said that you didn’t love him back.” What?

  I watch the tears well in Caroline’s icy blues, and I feel my eyes blink a few times, stunned by her confession, before she continues. “Tell me you don’t love him.”

  She’s in love with Liam. I always thought it was the shared attention she was after, but it was his…she wants Liam. Everything she’s asking feels like it’s ripping me from the inside out. How do I tell her I can’t say that? Or more, that I won’t say that. I’ll always love Liam more than friends but always less than Grey. But not choosing him doesn’t mean I’m willing to give him away either.

  “Caroline. The guys love you. I’m not competition. They can love us both.”

  My answer is bullshit. I know it won’t help because that’s not what she’s asking.

  She shakes her head, releasing my hand. “You don’t get it. I know they love me, but I never realized how much more he was capable of until you came back.”

  Caroline wipes her eyes again, staring at me, and I know there’s nothing I’ll say that will make her stop crying. Because I’m selfish. I’ll let her suffer, even when I know, deep down, I can make it stop. And she knows it too.

  “Wow, your eyes say it all, Donovan. Maybe we’re more alike than I gave us credit. You look like an animal whose food is being threatened. Don’t worry, kitten, I never expected you’d share. Just hoped. But I owed you a confession.”

  I take a sip of my water, trying to hide the guilt I feel by pretending she’s off base.

  “I’d ask if you’re high, but I already know.”

  A breathy laugh comes from her as I stare out of the window. I glance over discreetly, and she’s closed her eyes, so I begin to study her features and wonder what will happen between all of us when everything that’s been building finally combusts.

  Caroline’s eyes reopen, locking on mine. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  My question is left unanswered as she turns her back to me, and the car slows to a stop in front of my building. The door is opened and I exit, looking back over my shoulder right at the cold, unfeeling blue eyes that are glaring back at me.

  Caroline Whitmore and I are back on our opposing sides, but this time, we know each other’s secrets, which makes us equally as dangerous to one another. But why do I feel like she’s already taken the first shot?

  Grey

  IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING when Caroline’s grumbling and the sound of her banging into a hall table has me shoving off the deep green velvet couch in my library and stalking down to see what the hell is going on. No, that’s a lie. I want to see if Donovan’s with her. My fingers rub the tattered, old gray bracelet that’s used as a bookmark as I stand, lost in my thoughts.

  I’m not sure I won’t break if I see her. Tell her everything I shouldn’t. How I’m fucking crazy about her. That it only took the night to make me want to beg her to let me kiss her again or to put my fingers back and finish the job I started. My eyes lower to that damn bracelet. The one I’ve kept since she gave it to me when we were kids. I wore it until it stopped fitting, but tossing it away was never an option. It was my link to her, and even now I’m clinging to it, to the memories it provides.

  Sleep hasn’t come for most of the night, so I convened my comforts of discontent hours ago—smokes, books, and the hell I’ve created for myself. I’ve replayed every damn moment from earlier today, and our whole lives, second-guessing myself each time but always coming to the same conclusion. I’m right—this is right, even if it hurts like hell. It’s the only way I get her to give in.

  The hallway is cooler than my room, causing goose bumps on my bare arms to raise as I rub a hand over my chest, then adjust my sweats as I shove the bracelet into my pocket. My hair falls into my face, but I brush it back, eyeing Caroline, who has a hand against the wall to steady herself as she takes off a heel.

  “You’re home early.”

  “Well, hello, Grey.” She steps down onto her bare foot and begins taking off the other shoe before raising a brow at me. “She isn’t with me.”

  “I didn’t ask.”

  “Sure you didn’t. Who tattled on our fun?” Her scoff fills my ears, and I cross my arms, watching her stumble. “Regardless, she is at home. And she isn’t thinking about you tonight.”

  What the fuck does that mean? That’s some serious bait she just threw out, but I don’t want to play Caroline’s games tonight.

  “Go to bed. You look like shit.”

  A knavish laugh cracks from her lips as she tosses the shoe in her hand to the side, making a thud in the middle of the hall.

  “Poor pathetic Grey. Are you going to be mean to me because you’re worried Little Miss Perfect doesn’t care about you?”

  My jaw tenses as I stare at her, lifting my chin slightly as she walks toward where I’m standing. Caroline peers up at me, stopping directly in front of me, and pokes my bare chest.

  “Well, you only have yourself to blame. I tried to warn you at lunch today. She’s out of your league.”

 
I gently but intentionally remove her finger from my chest and let her hand drop to the side. She shakes her head with an expression of disgust. “Wise up. Donovan can smell your fear, Grey. And nobody likes a desperate bitch.”

  Bending slightly, I make sure she hears me as I grit my words out into her face.

  “You’re high. And in no place to give advice. Go to bed before I decide to hold you accountable for the liberties you’re taking.”

  I begin to turn away, but Caroline grips my forearm, tugging me back toward her and digging her nails in.

  “Must I do everything myself? Listen to me or you’re going to go down in a spectacular show of flames.”

  My eyes dart to my arm and back to her face.

  “You’re so sure? That I’ll lose? That’s unlikely, little step-whore.” My voice is laced with amusement, but the look in Caroline’s eyes is determined and worried. I don’t like it. At all. Something’s up. “What happened tonight to make you so worried?”

  Her hold loosens, but she keeps her gaze fixed on me. It’s the way she straightens her shoulders, like she’s prepping for war, that tells me I’m right—something did happen tonight.

  “Don’t worry about tonight. Your problem started eighteen years ago. But I can help you, if you let me. I care about you, Grey.”

  Jesus. She managed that with a straight face. Laughter cracks my chest, before I pull my arm from her grip.

  “Bullshit altruism—that’s a new low for you. Cut the shit. You’re bathed in an ulterior motive. Since when do you give a shit about anything or anyone I do? Why the interest now, Caroline?”

  A smile plays at my lips as I say the words because I can see through her. My eyes are locked on hers, reading all the thoughts she’s trying to hide as I tilt my head because that tiny seed she’s trying to plant didn’t get past me. The only eighteen-year problem I could have is Liam.

  She lets me go and gives a small, slow, malevolent-feeling shrug, accompanied by a fraudulent smile. “Let’s just say that I have an interest in you getting what you want.”

  “Because of Liam?”

  Caroline’s eyes narrow, but I smile bigger. It’s never been a secret to me—I could always tell that she had an interest in him, even if he’s oblivious. But she’s a vicious little snake, and I wouldn’t wish her on my worst enemy, let alone my best friend.

  “Doesn’t matter. Do you want me to help or not?”

  Her voice is sharp and nasty. I love it when I hit a nerve.

  “Not.”

  Her head pulls back, and she takes a step backward, throwing her arms up and letting them fall just as hard. “Then you don’t really love her because if you did, nothing would stop you. Not even taking advice from me.”

  Two hard breaths leave my body like an empty laugh before I follow her as she walks into her room. “Don’t talk about shit you could never understand. You have to possess the ability to love to advise on it.”

  Caroline raises her brows over her shoulder, as if I’m the pot and she’s the kettle.

  “I know how to love her. That’s enough.”

  She shakes her head before walking to her vanity, and I plant myself just inside the doorway, leaning back against the bedroom wall, steeped in morbid curiosity over what I don’t know yet. Caroline begins to take off her earrings, dropping them into a small pearled jewelry box.

  “You don’t know how to love her. Trust me. And you’re too arrogant to see that you’re failing.”

  “Enlighten me, General. What would you have me do differently to win the war?”

  Caroline’s head twists toward me. “Is she or isn’t she your fucking soul mate?”

  “She is.”

  “Then if you want her so bad, make her think you don’t. Imprison her in jealousy, and let her fucking rot with all her dumbass principles.”

  My instinct is to put Caroline in her place over how nasty she’s being toward Donovan, but my shoulders tense from the wariness I’m beginning to feel. Why is Caroline out for blood? This is more than worry from her—she feels threatened.

  “I’ve already done that. You were there today. But if we’re having this conversation, clearly some shit went down tonight.” She gives a noncommittal shrug but doesn’t look at me. “If you aren’t going to tell me what, then stop wasting my time.”

  I roll off my shoulder and start out the door, but her words suspend my feet as they send a chill through my veins.

  “She’s choosing Liam. Donovan loves him. She loves your best friend, and she all but said ‘mine’ when asked to give him up tonight. And I don’t mean the kind of love I have for Kai but real, deep, devoted love. The kind you want from her…the kind you have for her.”

  My head hangs heavy as I grip the doorjamb, hating every word Caroline just said. “I don’t believe you. Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because I want you to take her from him. I want you to win, so I can too. And I could never hurt Liam, but you would. For her.”

  Caroline’s voice is so bruised that I can’t turn around. The look on her face will kill me. I know it because it’s the same one I feel—torment. We’re a fucking pair, each loving someone we may never have. I speak toward the darkened hall in front of me, letting my words drift back.

  “You’re wrong. It’s not love, Caroline. She just doesn’t want to hurt Liam, or lose him, because like you said earlier today, she’ll forfeit a piece of him once she admits how she feels about me. But trust me, she needs me more. And for the record, I would never turn on him.”

  She has to need me more.

  “Bullshit. Don’t be a fool. What if she doesn’t need you more? Liam is patient where you’re bulldozing. He’s kind, where you’re cruel. He’s happy, not broody with a temper issue. Donovan’s life over the last five years has been tumultuous and scandalous. He can be her safe place. After everything she’s done over the last five years—”

  My jaw grits so hard that my teeth could break before I cut her off, spinning back to face her. “How the fuck do you know about what her life’s been like? Stop speaking about her like you know her. I know her. I know what the fuck she needs. I’m that place for her.”

  “Oh, but I do know what her life has been like. She told me her life’s story tonight. About her mom’s married friend who she fucked, all the drugs and meaningless hookups. I’m all caught up.”

  What the fuck? She’d told Caroline over me? No way. No fucking way. Donovan promised. My eyes falter, and I know Caroline sees it, but I feel like the world just tilted on its axis.

  “Wait a minute…” She pushes from her chair and stands wide-eyed. “Did you not know… about the last five years?”

  I don’t answer as I glare at her, rage spreading through me. Those secrets were meant for me. To be shared with only me. Caroline takes a step forward, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Still confident you’re the one? Are you sure Liam doesn’t know?”

  The implication is enough to do damage. I don’t want to know the truth. My chest feels so tight that it may break open, and right now, I wish it would. I shake my head at Caroline’s scrutiny, or maybe in answer to her question. But both serve as enough for her to know she has my ear.

  We stand staring at each other as she speaks to the most unreasonable pieces of me.

  “You can’t just pretend to not care, Grey. Flip. The. Switch. Punish her. Show her what life is really like without you. And make it gut-wrenching so she crawls back begging for your forgiveness.”

  If I break her, Liam will be there to put her back together.

  Caroline shakes her head like she’s answering my thoughts. “Force her choice. Use whatever means necessary, and if you can’t have that, then ruin her for Liam. Because I know you, Grey McCallister, and in the end, you could never see her happy with anyone else.”

  My jaw ticks. I hate that I know Caroline’s right. I’ll never share Donovan’s heart. I’d deprive her of everything to make her need me. I am that desperate for her.

>   I’ll break Donovan’s heart to prove it’s mine. Always has been. Always will be.

  Sometimes our enemies are our best allies. What Caroline understands is that I’m consumed by a covetous hunger. As if without Donovan, I’ll starve, waste away, and become an empty shell. She understands the demon for whom I’ve become servile—love. And it’ll either destroy me or set me free, but it hasn’t decided which yet.

  “You win, Caroline. I’m listening.”

  Staring out of the car window, I try and roll the tension out of my neck. The night feels like a blur. I listened to what Caroline thought I should do, but all the cruelest thoughts resided in my own mind. And that makes me sick. Knowing what I’m capable of. How low I’d be willing to go. It made me feel like my father.

  I don’t want to be him.

  The moment Donovan drove away on Sunday, Liam went in yelling about how I was a dick. I walked away without a word. I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t say something I’d regret and that Liam would hate me for.

  But now, I need to say all this shit inside my head to a voice of reason. That’s Liam. And I need someone to stop me before I lose myself to my fear and act out in anger. But that’s Donovan.

  I don’t have either. But I have to believe that even in the thick of this, Liam is still my brother. He needs to hear that I love her. That way he’s prepared. Then maybe he’ll forgive me one day.

  “Sir, the street is blocked in front of Mr. Brooks’ home. I’ll have to park here, around the corner.”

  “It’s fine, I’ll walk.”

  The benefit of being awake all night is I can make it over to see Liam before we hit school today. The moment I step out onto the sidewalk, I’m taken aback by the cold. Then again everything’s felt cold today, especially my fucking heart. I pull my blazer closed, buttoning and tugging the sleeves to smooth the fit. The door clicks shut behind me as I make my way between passersby heading to their daily routines against the same smooth concrete and rows of trees that line his stately block.

  The most vivid memory of Donovan and us as kids lights up in my mind, but I push it away as I walk, unwilling to think about her more than I already am. I picked up the phone to call Donovan a hundred times last night, but I can’t talk to her. What can I say? That I love her, more than I knew I could love anyone? Or that I hate her for telling all of her secrets to Caroline because that was supposed to be mine? That each time she gives another piece of herself away, it chips away at my heart, and I’m scared that I’ll have nothing to give her in the end?