The Land of Stories: The Enchantress Returns

by Chris Colfer

  “Pardon?” Goldilocks asked with raised eyebrows. “Do you actually think you’re going without me?”

  “He’s got to be kidding himself if he thinks we’re not going along, too,” Conner said to Alex.

  Jack hadn’t meant to offend anyone. “Forgive me, I wasn’t sure anyone else would be up for it,” he said.

  “It’s not every day one gets to see a castle in the clouds,” Froggy said. “Count me in as well.”

  “Fine, then,” Jack said. “I’ll take the lead. However, it’s important that you climb exactly as I climb and step exactly where I step. It’s harder than it looks.”

  Goldilocks retrieved a long rope and tied it around Jack’s waist, then around her own, Froggy’s, and the twins. She went to tie it around Red’s, but the queen nervously blocked her from doing so.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Red asked.

  “It’s just for safety,” Goldilocks said. “In case one of us falls.”

  “Falls? From up there?” Red said and pointed to the endless stalk. “Is that likely?”

  “As likely as climbing anything else, I imagine,” Goldilocks said. “This will also discourage me from throwing you off of it.”

  Red looked up and down the beanstalk with large, fearful eyes. “You know what, I think I’m going to sit this one out,” she said. “I’m exhausted after my sitting with the stepmother and want to conserve my strength for our next stop,” she said.

  “Suit yourself,” Goldilocks said and promptly cut the rope after securely tying it around Alex.

  “Are you sure, Red? The giant died a long time ago,” Jack said. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

  “What about what the Tradesman said?” Alex said. “He said there would be other dangers waiting for us up there.”

  “The man was eating pheasant pudding,” Conner said. “Are you really going to take his word?”

  “Good point,” Alex said.

  Red pretended to consider it for a moment, but her mind was made up. “I still think I’ll be the most useful staying with the ship,” Red said.

  “Fine by me,” Jack said. “Then if we’re all ready, let’s climb.”

  Jack placed his hands on the stem of the closest leaf and pulled himself up and over it. The climb had begun. He enjoyed it more than he would admit and cheerfully led the others up the beanstalk and toward the sky.

  Jack and Goldilocks once again set a quick pace for Froggy and the twins to follow—although Froggy hopped his way up the stalk more than actually climbed it. The twins were glad to be the caboose of the climbing crusade; they had the least responsibility if someone fell.

  “Let me know what the castle looks like in case I need to rebuild anything in the future!” Red called up at them.

  Jack had been right; the beanstalk was tricky to climb. It didn’t have the sturdy branches that a tree would, so the stems of the leaves were all they had to grab hold of and step on. After some time had passed, the twins were thankful Red had opted to stay behind—it was difficult enough without her.

  They were making great time in their ascent and Jack looked back to congratulate his fellow climbers. “You’re doing great,” Jack said. “But whatever you do, don’t look—”

  “AHHHHHH!” Froggy yelled.

  “Down,” Jack finished.

  “Sorry, I won’t make that mistake again!” Froggy assured them, trembling a bit as they continued. The twins didn’t know how high up they were and didn’t want to—ignorance was bliss in this scenario.

  After only a couple short breaks here and there, the group reached the top of the beanstalk by noon. The twins’ bodies were aching already and they just hoped the trip back down would be easier.

  “This thing is getting harder and harder to climb,” Conner said.

  “It doesn’t help that the air is getting thinner,” Alex said.

  “We should start wearing skinny jeans,” Conner said. “We’d both look great in them after this workout.”

  Everything became foggy as they reached the top of the beanstalk. They felt the cool moisture of the clouds against their skin until they finally emerged above the clouds. It was as if they had surfaced in another world completely; for miles and miles around, a sea of fluffy clouds surrounded them. They felt closer to the sun, and its rays illuminated this world to perfection.

  “It’s beautiful,” Goldilocks said. The twins had never seen her so moved by something before.

  “Extraordinary,” Froggy said breathlessly. “I’ve read so many descriptions of such a thing, but that’s never as good as seeing it with my own eyes.”

  The top of the beanstalk curled into the open sky above them. They all waited for instructions.

  “Whoa,” Conner said and pointed into the distance. “Check it out!”

  An enormous medieval-looking castle sat on the cloudy horizon. It had huge stone bricks, several flat towers, and a gigantic wooden door.

  “Is that the giant’s castle?” Alex asked.

  “I’m assuming,” Conner said. “Unless Mary Poppins moved into the neighborhood.”

  “Who?” Froggy asked.

  “Never mind,” Conner said.

  Jack carefully placed a foot on top of one of the clouds. It sank down but eventually came to a stop. He took a wobbly first step onto the cloud and the others gasped.

  “Oh my God!” Alex yelled and covered her mouth.

  “No way!” Conner shouted.

  Jack was beside himself with the joy of standing on a cloud again, but he put on a serious face before turning back to the others.

  “Carefully step off the beanstalk and onto the cloud, but don’t put your weight on it until you know your foot has stopped sinking,” he instructed them. “Be gentle. If you move too fast, you’ll fall straight through.”

  Goldilocks was first, followed by Froggy, and the twins joined them after—it was like walking in fluffy quicksand. With each step, the twins waited for their feet to eventually stop, never certain at what point it would, or if it would. Sometimes their legs would sink ankle-deep into the clouds; other times they would sink down to their knees.

  “This is the weirdest thing we’ve ever done!” Conner said. “Or it’s at least near the top of the list.”

  The cloud crusaders headed across the sky to the castle. To their relief, a stony path came into view that curved through the clouds all the way up to the castle’s entrance. They were grateful to be walking on something solid again and removed the rope that had been connecting them.

  “I really wish I could turn off my brain sometimes,” Alex said. “I keep trying to come up with a scientific theory that explains how we’re walking on a road through the sky, but nothing is coming to mind.”

  Conner cleared his throat. “To quote a girl I know, ‘My most scientific analysis, with all means of science and technology in mind, is that it’s magic,’ ” he said.

  Alex laughed. “How do you remember that?” she asked.

  “It was my favorite thing you’ve ever said,” Conner said.

  It was taking them much longer than they’d anticipated to reach the castle. It didn’t matter how long they walked; the castle didn’t seem to be getting any closer.

  “Is it moving away from us?” Conner asked.

  “No,” Jack said. “It just seems that way because it’s so gigantic.”

  After what seemed like miles and miles of stony road, the group finally came face-to-face with the giant’s castle. It would have been big at a normal scale, but Jack, Goldilocks, Froggy, and the twins stood before the wooden door dwarfed like a pack of mice.

  “Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location!” Conner said and chuckled to himself. No one laughed with him—they were too overwhelmed by the castle’s magnitude.

  “Remember what you were telling us earlier about feeling small, Jack?” Alex said. “I think if Red saw this, she’d understand what you were talking about.”

  “Thankfully, she’s not here,” Froggy sa
id. “Otherwise she might try to re-create it somehow.”

  They stayed staring up at the massive structure for a minute longer.

  “Well, we can’t stand out here all day. Let’s go inside,” Goldilocks said.

  “How do we get in?” Alex asked.

  “Is there a doorbell Froggy could jump up to?” Conner asked.

  “We’ll have to crawl—follow me,” Jack said. He got on his hands and knees and squeezed into the space between the door and the ground, barely fitting. “This was easier when I was a boy.”

  They followed him under the door, each moving uncomfortably through the small space. They got to their feet on the other side, finding themselves in an entrance hall the size of a football field. The stones that made up the stone floor were the size of swimming pools. A staircase soared above them like a dozen connected skyscrapers, each higher than the next.

  “What is that awful smell?” Alex asked and covered her nose with her shirt.

  Goldilocks heard a loud crunch under her boot and looked down. Scattered across the entrance hall floor were hundreds and hundreds of bird skeletons. They belonged to normal-size birds but were large even so—the twins assumed they were the remains of hawks and eagles. Perhaps they had flown too close to the castle and had been scooped up by something.

  “Did the giant like birds?” Conner asked Jack.

  “Not that I remember,” he said. “Let’s keep moving. Everyone keep an eye out for something the giant would have valued above anything else.”

  Jack led the group to the right and they entered an enormous dining room. A rug that could have carpeted a dozen regular homes was under a gigantic table and chairs. A large portrait hanging on the wall took them by surprise—it was a painting of the magic harp.

  “I’d say the giant fancied the magic harp a great deal,” Froggy said.

  “Yes, he certainly did,” Goldilocks added, scanning the room in its entirety. The portrait was just one of several different artworks inspired by the magic harp. There were statues and sculptures of her displayed around the room; oil and finger paintings of her covered the walls. Even the backs of the chairs had the harp’s silhouette carved into them.

  “Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?” Conner asked.

  “Was Harper the giant’s most prized possession?” Alex asked.

  No one wanted to believe they had traveled all this way for nothing, but as they looked around the giant’s dining room and discovered more and more harp-inspired pieces of art, it was difficult coming up with an alternative theory.

  “I know he loved her very much—I just wish I could have remembered all of this,” Jack said. “I remember walking through this very room and hearing a psst. I looked up and saw the harp standing on the top of the table. She was looking down at me and said, ‘Hey, kid, get me out of here, would you? I’m going stir-crazy in this place.’ I took her, and when the giant noticed she was gone, he came after me.”

  “At least we know how to convince Red to let Harper into her castle,” Conner pointed out. “We’ll tell her she was all the rage with giant decoration. Who knew she’d be the epitome of fee fi fo feng shui!”

  The twins laughed but their laugh was cut short when a loud jingle sounded through the room.

  “What was that?” Goldilocks asked.

  The jingle sounded again, only this time it was much louder.

  “Jack, didn’t you say the giant was dead?” Froggy asked, nervously adjusting his tie.

  “He is,” Jack said. “And he didn’t have any family to speak of.”

  Conner turned toward the direction they had just come from—and stood stock-still.

  “Hey—hey—hey, Jack?” Conner peeped. “Did the giant have any pets?”

  Everyone turned around and froze. Standing directly behind them was a cat the size of a house.

  “Mew,” the cat squeaked so loudly they all had to cover their ears. The giant’s cat was obese, with gray fur, black stripes, and white paws. It blinked its large green eyes slowly and stared down at them in a flirtatiously fatal manner. A red band was wrapped around its neck, and a bell the size of one of their heads swung from it.

  “Guess we know where the bird skeletons came from,” Alex said under her breath.

  A low rumbling sound filled the room as the cat began to purr. It licked its lips, its eyes grew, and its narrow pupils shrank. Goldilocks retrieved her sword and Jack pulled out his axe.

  “No one move,” Jack said. “On the count of three we’re all going to run under the table and split up to try confusing it. Ready? One… two… three!”

  The five bolted under the table and spread out. The cat leaped after them, trying to grab hold of as many of them as it could. They ran through the table and chair legs, dodging the claws coming at them from all angles.

  “This is why I’m a dog person!” Conner yelled.

  The cat was so excited it didn’t know whom to start with first. It eventually became most fascinated with Froggy, who out of all of them looked the most like a giant cat toy. He was hopping around like a maniac, barely missing the cat’s claws and snapping teeth.

  “Somebody help me!” Froggy shouted.

  Jack grabbed hold of the cat’s tail—the twins didn’t know what he expected to accomplish by this, because he immediately flew through the air, whipping around and hanging on for dear life. The cat’s belly swung almost more dangerously than its claws and knocked the twins to the floor as it passed by them.

  Goldilocks saw a large knife peeking over the top of the table above her. She climbed up the chair leg and then jumped from the seat and grabbed on to the top of the table. She pulled herself up and went to the large knife—but it was too heavy to lift.

  The cat violently jerked its tail and Jack was thrown across the room. Froggy was screaming like the twins had never heard him scream before. He hadn’t been injured yet, but his clothing had been shredded by the cat’s claws. The cat cornered Froggy and crouched down, about to pounce.

  “Not the frog! Not the frog!” Froggy tried to persuade the giant feline. “I won’t taste good, trust me!”

  Goldilocks whistled from the top of the table. “Here, kitty, kitty,” she called down. She had managed to get the knife on its side and was reflecting light to the other side of the room. The cat left Froggy alone and began chasing the reflection around the room.

  Alex and Conner helped each other to their feet.

  “Are you okay?” he asked her.

  “Yes, I’ll be all right,” she said.

  “Alex! Conner! Charlie! I’ve got a plan and could use a hand!” Jack called for them. He was standing in front of the giant’s cupboard. “Let’s get this open and we’ll trap the cat inside!”

  The twins ran over and helped him pull the large cupboard doors open.

  “What am I going to do?” Froggy asked, completely out of breath.

  “Stand in front of it,” Jack said. “When the cat goes in for the kill—jump out of the way!”

  “Oh, thank goodness,” Froggy said with fake relief. “For a minute I thought it was going to be dangerous!”

  The cat quickly became bored with chasing the reflection. It looked up and saw Goldilocks on top of the table—she was what it wanted now.

  “Oh no,” Goldilocks said to herself. The cat ran toward her, jumping onto the top of the table in one leap. Goldilocks dove under the tablecloth—she moved around like a bug under a rug, and it drove the cat crazy.

  “Mew,” the cat squeaked, trying to grab her through the tablecloth. “Mew.”

  “Hey, whiskers!” Froggy shouted. “Care for some frog legs?” He did a little degrading dance to get the cat’s attention.

  “Mew?” The cat considered. “Mew,” the cat decided and jumped down from the table toward the frog.

  “Now, Charlie!” Jack shouted. The twins watched in horror as if it were happening in slow motion. The cat was zooming toward Froggy, ready to sink its teeth and claws into him. Froggy hopped out of
its way at the very last second, narrowly avoiding its outstretched claws. The cat slammed into the cupboard, and Jack and the twins shut the doors behind it. Froggy joined them and together they fought against the cat, trying to keep it inside.

  A heavy grunt came from the top of the table. Goldilocks pushed a giant spoon over the edge, and it hit the floor with a thud. She slid down the table leg like it was a pole in a firehouse. The twins ran to her and helped her carry the spoon to the cupboard. They slid the spoon between the handles of the cupboard and the cat was trapped—for now.

  “Raaaaaar!” the cat angrily growled from inside the cupboard. “Raaaaaar!”

  “Let’s get out of here!” Jack ordered. “The spoon won’t hold it in there forever!”

  The five of them made a mad dash through the dining room and back into the entrance hall. The cat banged violently against the cupboard doors, bending the spoon ever so slightly with every push.

  Jack and Goldilocks ran toward the door at full speed. They hit the floor with perfect momentum and slid under the door. Conner tried copying them but only tripped himself and had to climb under the door the regular way with his sister and Froggy.

  Once they were all outside, the five of them took off running as fast as they possibly could down the stony path.

  “The cat isn’t going to follow us outside, right?” Conner asked the others as they ran.

  They all glanced back, praying they wouldn’t see the cat emerging from the castle behind them. What they hadn’t seen until now was a giant cat door cut into the castle’s door and a furious cat poking its head through it.

  “Oh come on!” Conner shouted.

  The cat chased after them like a fat and furry torpedo. Thankfully its weight slowed it down, so it took a while for it to catch up with them.

  The stony path ended and the group of five carefully moved through the clouds at a sluggish speed. The cat was apprehensive about stepping onto the clouds, but it was too determined to stop now. Luckily, it had just as much trouble walking on the clouds as they did, but the cat still tried clawing at whoever was closest to them.

  “We’ve got to get down!” Goldilocks shouted. “Everyone crawl the rest of the way to the beanstalk!”