by Della Galton
The roar of the sea increased as the sisters approached the water’s edge. Evidently, this beach had been created from storm waves rolling in from the Atlantic and elbowing their way up the English Channel and it was very easy to believe that on a day like today.
The pebbles dipped sharply towards the tideline, but the great, green-grey waves roared uphill as if it were no effort at all and smashed down onto the shingle with an amplified shushing sound that put Olivia in mind of a thousand giants shushing someone who’d dared to speak during a theatre performance, both performed and watched, by giants.
A turbulent white foam spread out across the pebbles in a great froth of lacework before being sucked back down again into the ravenous sea.
‘It’s so powerful, isn’t it,’ Ruby said, raising her voice as they paused to watch the waves.
‘Incredible,’ Olivia agreed, breathing in the fresh untainted air and feeling the spits of froth on her face as she glanced out across the heaving grey-green mass towards the horizon. Just above the sharp, dark edge, where the sea met the sky, there was a line of silver cloud.
‘Do you remember the picnics we had here?’ Ruby asked, looking out to sea.
‘How could I forget. It was always freezing and blowing a hooley.’
‘Yes, and Dad used to bang on about it being the best place to come for a beach picnic because there was no sand to get in your sandwiches.’
Olivia laughed. ‘And we used to beg for soft white sand to lie on.’
‘They were never big fans of soft white sand, were they?’ Ruby grimaced and bent to pick up a pebble. ‘They wanted rocks, rocks and more rocks. Fossils to find, history to uncover.’
‘I know! Not like other families who were quite happy to just go to a nice gentle beach and lie on a deckchair with an ice cream.’
‘Tell me about it. I dreamed of deckchairs.’ Ruby skimmed the pebble into the sea and it bounced through a swell of water and sank. ‘I used to envy my mates who had normal parents. Ones who just lay on deckchairs and read newspapers and stuff. Even if they did get sand in their flaming sandwiches. I used to long for parents who were normal and not obsessed with the past.’ She sighed. ‘Did you ever feel like that, Liv? Did you ever wish we had a dad who worked nine till five at the office and wore a suit, and a mum who stayed home and cooked stuff? Is that why you spent so much time at Aunt Dawn’s learning to bake?’
Olivia hesitated. There was definitely some truth in that, although she’d always defined it slightly differently. She’d always thought she spent all her spare time with Aunt Dawn because she was the only member of the family who really understood her.
She glanced at her sister. ‘I thought you loved all that stuff. You always seemed really happy, marching off after Dad with your bucket and putting stones in it and catching spider crabs. I thought it was just me who wasn’t so keen.’
Ruby picked up a handful of pebbles this time and skimmed another one into the sea.
‘I thought it was the only way to get on Dad’s radar. I was trying to get his attention. One of my most enduring memories of childhood is of Dad striding away from me. All I could ever see was his back – you remember how he always wore those stupid woollen jumpers, even on the beach.’
‘He still does,’ Olivia murmured. ‘They’re probably the same ones!’
A ghost of a smile flickered in her sister’s eyes. ‘I’d be scrambling after him, trying to catch up, and he’d be shouting over his shoulder, “Hey, Rubes, check this out. A dinosaur once lived on this beach.” She skimmed another pebble and this one hit the sea right and bounced twice before disappearing into the swell. ‘I went through a phase of really hating dinosaurs.’
‘Wow. I had no idea you felt like that.’
‘Well, I did. In some ways, doing a degree in modern art was a way of rebelling against them too. It was about the furthest I could get from the past. I felt mean for thinking it,’ Ruby said, turning towards her. ‘And, I suppose it kind of backfired, because they were fine with me studying art – they didn’t care if it was modern. They were always so massively supportive.’
That was true. It had been the same when Olivia had said she wanted to go to drama school. They hadn’t tried to talk her into doing something academic or more likely to lead to a steady career. Although Mum had been – and still was – very approving of Amazing Cakes.
‘They’ve always wanted us to be happy,’ Olivia said gently.
‘Yes, I know.’ Ruby dropped the last pebble back onto the beach and it hit its fellows with a little clunk. ‘And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I wasn’t happy. In many ways, we had a totally idyllic childhood, didn’t we?’ She looked back at the sea. ‘Growing up by the coast. Spending so much time outside. Living in a nice house.’ Ruby paused. ‘But one of the reasons I’ve never wanted children is because I didn’t want them to grow up feeling the same way I did; knowing that their parents would be so immersed in their careers that they could only ever play second fiddle. And that’s how it would be, Liv. Because I can’t imagine giving up art. Especially if I was a single parent and needed to support us. Which would be the case, wouldn’t it…?’ She cupped her hands over her abdomen and shivered. ‘…If I kept this little one.’
Olivia saw the tears hovering in her sister’s eyes and she finally understood why she was so conflicted. She was afraid she was too much like their workaholic parents. She was afraid that she wouldn’t be a good enough mother.
‘Hey,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t have to be like that.’ But even as she spoke, she could feel both a deep sense of identification with her sister and an overwhelming compassion, because she knew Ruby was right. Both sisters were like that. They both took after their parents. ‘Come on. Let’s walk for a while. You look as though you need warming up.’
‘Are you sure you’re not in a hurry to get back?’
‘No, I’m not. I cleared this afternoon to be with you. I have nothing to get back for and Phil’s working.’ And even if she hadn’t cleared it, she would have cancelled everything and carried on listening to Ruby, Olivia thought, as they crunched side by side along the shifting shoreline.
Because she had a feeling this was the most important conversation they would ever have. It would affect all of their futures and it struck her how ironic it was that it was a conversation about the past that had the power to change the future.
16
For a little while, neither of them said anything else as they trudged across the pebbles, and Olivia thought that, shingle or sand, there wasn’t much that was more cathartic than walking by the sea. The endless thunder of the waves crashing and the hissing sizzle of the surf as it retreated once more back down the steep slope. The calling of the gulls. The crunch of their footsteps, the smell of drying seaweed and fresh air, the vast emptiness of the sky, even if it was getting ever more grey. It had just started to spit with rain but neither of them was in a hurry to go back yet.
It was Ruby who started up the conversation again.
‘You thought I might change my mind, didn’t you, when I had the scan? About the adoption, I mean.’
‘I hoped you might. Why? Have you changed your mind?’ she asked carefully.
‘I think I may have been changing my mind for a while. Mother Nature’s an amazing thing – mother being the operative word. I didn’t bargain for all those pregnancy hormones swirling about. They’d kicked off all sorts of maternal stuff. Did I tell you I bought a painting of the virgin and child last week at an auction? It’s an artist who I like, but it’s not one of his best works. I paid way over the odds for it.’
‘Maybe it’ll come into fashion in the future.’ In her heart she knew this was about much more than just a painting.
‘It bloody well better.’ She glanced at Olivia. ‘I’m scared though, Liv. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with being a single parent. I can’t be in two places at once; I can’t be looking after a baby and also be working. I haven’t got that kind of job. And if I e
mploy a nanny, then my child will grow up knowing they came second and then they’ll end up hating me.’
‘I’m here. I can help you. I’d love to help you.’ She hesitated. ‘Could you take a break – I don’t know, for a year or two, maybe, and see how it goes.’
Ruby was already shaking her head. ‘Financially, maybe yes. But I love my job. What if I resented my baby because of it? They would know. Just like I knew that Mum and Dad always wanted to be someplace else. The trouble is, Liv. I could see that happening. History repeating itself – me running after Dad’s back, only this time it would be my child chasing after mine. I don’t know, maybe it wouldn’t. That’s what I would have thought before I actually got pregnant. Since then, it feels as though my entire head’s been rearranged… I’m sorry. I’m not making much sense, am I?’
‘You’re making perfect sense. And whatever you decide, you wouldn’t be on your own.’ Olivia could feel a warmth creeping up through her at what seemed like the very real prospect that Ruby might change her mind about adoption.
Ruby stopped walking for a moment and looked at her properly. ‘That’s the thing though, isn’t it? I would be on my own. Mum and Dad will always be on a dig somewhere. You’ll be off being famous on TV. Auntie Dawn will be holed up amongst the mothballs. The baby’s father would be in, “I don’t give a shit” land. I don’t think I could cope.’
Olivia shook her head. ‘I know it would be a struggle, but I don’t think it would be like that. We would rally round. I can take time off and help you. So would Aunt Dawn – you know how fond she is of little ones. I think Mum and Dad would surprise you too.’
‘Do you really?’ Ruby’s eyes were bright with tears and the sea breeze had whipped roses onto her cheeks. She sniffed. ‘Honestly, Liv, I can’t think straight at all at the moment. I feel as though some alien’s got the controls of my mind.’ She clapped her hand over her mouth. ‘That sounds terrible. I don’t mean my baby’s an alien.’
‘Honey, it’s going to be OK.’ Olivia stepped forward, the shingle shifting under her feet, and hugged her. ‘I know it’s going to be a struggle. But it could be wonderful too.’
‘Do you really think so?’ She paused. ‘I wish it was happening to you.’
‘So do I,’ Olivia said and they both smiled and then laughed and Olivia was glad they were outside, next to the vastness of the sea, because it was as though their surroundings were absorbing much of their emotion. Otherwise, they might have sobbed instead.
They began to walk again. It was hard work, walking on the deep shingle, being buffeted by the salt breeze. Olivia wasn’t surprised when Ruby said, ‘Shall we head back. This is killing my legs.’
They didn’t speak much on the return journey, but when they were back at the car and out of the buffeting wind, Ruby said, ‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Of course.’
‘If you had a choice of being a really famous actress or being a mum, but you could only do one or the other, what would you pick?’
Olivia hesitated. ‘I honestly don’t know,’ she said, which surprised her, because she’d always thought she’d say, ‘being a mum’, no matter what. But right now, she was no longer sure. ‘I think maybe it would depend on the circumstances,’ she added. ‘Shall we head home or did you want to go anywhere else? Are you feeling any better?’
‘Much. At least I’ve made a decision.’
‘And what’s that?’ Olivia said, holding her breath, even though she was almost sure she knew the answer.
‘I’m going to ring Mum and Dad tonight and tell them. And I’m not giving up bump here, even though right now he or she is more of a molehill than a bump.’
Olivia swallowed hard as a huge swathe of relief and pleasure swept through her. ‘I’m really pleased to hear that. So – do you mind if I take the opportunity to introduce myself?’
‘Be my guest,’ Ruby said, halting and putting her hands on her hips and sticking out her tummy as far as she could.
Olivia stretched out a hand. ‘Hello, bump. This is your Auntie Olivia speaking. Now I don’t want you to be giving your mum any trouble. No kicking, no thumping and no more stressing her out. You understand.’
She looked back up into her sister’s face and saw such a look of tenderness that her throat closed with emotion.
Ruby swiped a tear from her cheek, but her voice was bright when she spoke. ‘I’m willing to lay bets that won’t be the last time you two have that conversation.’
Olivia spent the rest of the evening on tenterhooks, wondering whether she was going to get a call from either Ruby saying she was having second thoughts or their mother reacting to the news. Neither happened.
She was actually on her morning run the next day when Marie called. Her phone was on silent so she didn’t see the missed call until she got back and had stepped, with a sigh of relief, over her threshold. Her run had been hard work today. Probably because they’d spent so much time walking on the shingle yesterday.
She showered, dressed for the day ahead – mostly baking today – and phoned her mother back.
‘I am so excited,’ were her mother’s first words. ‘Your sister is very naughty. Why on earth didn’t she tell us at the weekend? We could have celebrated properly.’
So, Ruby hadn’t mentioned her adoption plans then. Olivia could understand that. Thank goodness that was no longer on the table. ‘I think she wanted to just check everything was OK first,’ Olivia said diplomatically. ‘You know, with the scan.’
‘I would’ve loved to have been there for that. But, never mind, I’m going to be at the next one. Wild horses wouldn’t keep me away. Scans are so different these days. In my day, it was just a little blob of something on a black and white picture, but now you can get 3D and video and all sorts, can’t you?’ She didn’t pause for breath, so Olivia didn’t reply.
In fact, for the next few minutes Olivia couldn’t get a word in edgeways. She couldn’t remember hearing her mother so excited about anything, other than a new artefact, for years.
‘Your dad’s made up too. He hasn’t stopped talking about it. I’ve never seen him so excited…’
Olivia let her mother’s chatter wash over her. It was good that she was so pleased. That was one less thing for Ruby to worry about.
Her ears didn’t prick up again until her mother said, ‘We’ll come back to help, of course. Ruby isn’t going to be able to cope on her own. And we’ll make sure that waster of a father does the right thing. Wife or no wife, it’s his responsibility to support her – financially, if nothing else.’
‘Mum, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I don’t think Ruby wants us to interfere.’
‘It’s not interfering. It’s common decency.’
There was no sense in arguing with her mother when she was in this mood. ‘What do you mean you’re going to come back to help?’ she said, deciding a diversion was called for.
‘Exactly what I say. We won’t do any more digs. Or at least I won’t. Your father will, of course.’
Olivia gasped. Blimey, she hadn’t expected that her mother would give up her life’s work, even if she did have a grandchild. How amazing.
Another call flashed up on her screen and she saw Ruby’s name. Poor Ruby had, no doubt, been subjected to a similar onslaught. ‘Mum, sorry, I have to go. Can I call you back later?’
‘Of course you can, love. Sorry. I’m going on.’
‘You’re allowed. But can we speak later?’
‘Course we can. Toodle-pip.’
Olivia disconnected and answered Ruby’s call. The first words out of her sister’s mouth were, ‘Oh My God – Mum’s gone into super hyper mode. I think I should have kept it a secret until the birth.’
‘That might have been tricky.’
‘Not if they were still in Scotland. What possessed me?’ Ruby’s cheerful voice belied her words.
‘She’s just been on to me,’ Olivia told her. ‘She sounded super excited. And really pleased.’
‘And she’s giving up being away on digs. I would never have thought – in a million years – that she’d do that.’ There was a lightness in her voice that hadn’t been there the previous day. ‘But I need to persuade Dad not to go anywhere near Scott. How do I do that?’
‘Don’t tell him where he lives,’ Olivia suggested. ‘Or, better still, tell him he’s working abroad or something. He’ll calm down. He’s bound to be pissed off. He loves you.’
‘I know.’ Ruby paused. ‘He was all choked up when I spoke to him. I wasn’t really expecting that. I was expecting him to change the subject back to fertility signs and ancient artefacts after thirty seconds, like he usually does.’
‘Of course he wouldn’t do that,’ Olivia said gently. ‘He’s going to be a grandad. It’s big news.’
‘Did Mum tell you she’s planning to stop work and help me?’
‘She did mention that. Yes.’
‘She’s offered to take care of the baby three days a week, more if I like, so I can carry on working. I don’t think I could cope with that. Not that I don’t appreciate it, obviously.’ She was beginning to sound stressed again. ‘I’m sorry, Liv. I don’t mean to dump all this on you. I’m holding you up.’
‘You’re not. It’s fine. And it will settle down – give it a few days. They’re bound to be overexcited to start with.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ There was a little silence and then Ruby added, ‘Thank you. I know we don’t live in each other’s pockets and we tend to get on with our own lives, but I really do appreciate you. Thank you for coming with me yesterday. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you either.’ She paused. ‘Thank you for everything. Just thank you.’
Olivia could hear the huskiness in her voice. ‘You don’t need to thank me. I’m your big sister.’
‘I know. But—’
‘No buts. And yes, before you ask, I will babysit – think of me as your backup babysitter. I want to be part of my niece or nephew’s life.’