And if I let him go, it would destroy me.
There was no easy answer here.
Chapter Nineteen
It seemed right that during all of Tuesday, dark ominous clouds gathered above Rock Valley and stormed on us. I was feeling like a rainstorm myself. In fact, it was so bad that I’d asked Mom to let me stay home from school today because of a headache.
She’d been dashing out the door to join Dad at the diner for the morning rush, so she didn’t have time to give me the third degree. There were bags under her eyes and her skin was paler than usual. It made me wish she’d slow down. Play hooky with me for once. But Mom didn’t like pulling back when there was a job to be done. With a quick touch of my forehead to assess my temperature, she’d kissed me on the cheek and told me to call if I needed anything.
Charlotte had bounced happily through the door behind Mom, telling me that she was going to find Jayden the moment she got to school to ask if he’d liked her cookies. She’d been hopeful. She’d been happy. A lot happier than I’d seen her in weeks.
After they left, I’d gone directly back to my bed, curled up under the covers, and slept for another three hours. One glance at my phone when I woke up was all I needed to sink me even deeper into this abyss of misery. Five texts from Jayden. Three from my best friends. One from Mom, checking in. I texted Mom and my friends back, but avoided even looking at Jayden’s messages. I just couldn’t think about him right now.
After that, it was sappy chick flicks that made me cry. My diet consisted of stale animal crackers and mint chip ice cream from the deep freeze. When I finally got around to looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, with my messy top bun and pale, splotchy face, I knew for sure that I was the most pathetic person to have ever lived.
“You faked sick to avoid seeing the boy you like,” I grumbled, grabbing my toothbrush. The ice cream and cookies had left a gross taste in my mouth. “You can’t even get up the nerve to tell him why. You’re the worst, Amanda Hale. The worst.”
Saying my full name aloud had been a mistake. Immediately, my eyes teared up and I thought about all the times Jayden had tortured me with it. I wanted so badly to text him, to tell him what was going on, but I’d purposely left my phone on silent in my room to avoid the temptation.
I knew he’d only try to think of ways to fix it. But this wasn’t fixable. There was no way out of this that didn’t involve someone getting hurt.
So, I’d chosen to avoid it altogether.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, my stomach tilted when I realized that school was over and baseball practice had begun. I was sure that Coach Morgan wasn’t very happy about my absence, especially after those nice things he’d said to me yesterday. He was another victim on the Mandy Hale expressway to misery. I just couldn’t seem to do anything right anymore.
A knock on the door startled me momentarily out of my self-loathing. I froze in the hallway, immediately regretting the choice not to change out of my Wonder Woman pajama pants and tank top. It was probably the neighbor kid selling candy bars to support his middle school band trip again.
I relaxed at the thought, suddenly cheered by the idea of a Reeses cup. Chocolate and peanut butter combined together were exactly what I needed right now. Digging a couple bucks out of the entryway cupboard that housed every random household item that didn’t have a home, I answered the door with a gleeful smile.
“I hope you have chocolate—”
Every muscle in my body tensed at the sight of Jayden standing on my porch. He must’ve run here in the rain, because he was dripping wet. Everything from his black tennis shoes, his jeans, to his black long-sleeved tee was soaked. Water ran down the bill of his baseball cap as he grinned at me and held out a Snickers candy bar.
“Actually, I came prepared for once,” he said, his gaze taking in my face.
When I could finally breathe again, I stepped out and joined him on the front porch, shutting the door behind me. It didn’t seem right to invite him inside where I’d been moping for the past few days. I needed fresh air and a new setting to face him. Thunder rumbled in the distance, the smell of rain filling my nose.
“What are you doing here? Don’t you have practice?”
“Coach cancelled because of the rain and dismissed all the guys to do weight training.” His brow furrowed and he scanned me over. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay. Audrey and Trina said you texted them that you were sick.”
That headache I’d pretended to have this morning came roaring up for real at the sincere and worried look on Jayden’s face. Why did he have to be so perfect and considerate? And why couldn’t I just stop my heart from wanting him?
“I’m fine,” I said, shooting him a tight-lipped smile. “You didn’t have to stop by.”
“I wanted to.” He frowned and leaned down slightly toward me. “Are you sure you’re okay? I feel like something’s bothering you.”
I stiffened and turned to grab the porch rail to avoid him looking me in the face. Usually, I had a pretty good poker face, but right now I couldn’t seem to keep my emotions boxed. “No. I’m fine.”
“Okay...” There was a hesitancy in his voice. “Is this about me asking you to prom? If it’s too much, too soon, I get it. Can we just pretend I never asked and go back to before?”
Tears filled my eyes as I stared at the oak tree in the yard. I didn’t want to pretend Jayden had never asked me to prom. I wanted to kiss him and tell him that going with him was all I ever wanted. I wanted the dress, the tux, the limo. And I wanted them with him. But I couldn’t have that. Not if I wanted to keep my little sister from diving off the deep end. Not if I wanted to be the person my parents counted on.
“We can’t go back to before.” I crossed my arms and turned toward him, doing my best to blink back the tears. “Things have changed.”
Surprise filled his eyes. He blinked at me as his tongue darted across his lips. “What do you mean? What’s changed?”
My throat thickened. This was going to be harder to get out than I’d even imagined. “We...can’t be together right now.”
“Wait, what?” He put his hands behind his head, frustration showing in the tension along his jawline. “Explain this to me, Mandy, because I’m lost. Just three days ago, you were telling me you wanted to be with me.”
“I do. But my sister...”
“What does your sister have to do with any of this?” His eyes narrowed and he tilted his head to one side.
“Ever since you helped her Saturday night, she’s been obsessed with you.”
“No, no, no.” He waved his hands in front of his chest. “All she did was make me some cookies as a thank you. She’s not obsessed.”
I scoffed and threw my head back. “You don’t know her like I do. Charlotte never bakes. Those were special cookies.”
“Special cookies?” His voice betrayed his sour disbelief.
“Yeah.”
I shuffled my feet, desperately wishing I could go for a run to clear all of this out of my head. It was hard explaining myself to him. I was so used to taking control of a situation. Used to handling things myself. When Mom got sick, I’d taken over meals at the house and entertaining my sister so my parents wouldn’t have to deal with anything else. They hadn’t even needed to ask. That was the kind of person I was. Bringing Jayden into it was totally against my nature.
“Charlotte has been so lonely lately that she’s been hanging out with those awful girls,” I said through my gritted teeth. “And I told her she needed to ditch them and find her person. And now she has. She thinks you’re her person. And I can’t do something that’ll make her run back to the partying and the drinking. Not when she’s still so fragile.”
It felt like the life-force had been sucked out of me. I leaned slightly back on the porch railing, needing something to prop me up.
Jayden took off his cap, smoothed a hand over his head, and then placed it back on. I could see the frustration building in his eyes. “I’m happy to
be her friend, Mandy. But that doesn’t mean you and I can’t be together.”
I shot him a pleading look. He wasn’t getting how serious this was. “She’s practically in love with you.”
Jayden’s gaze darkened as he grasped my upper arms and stared into my face. “But I’m not in love with her. I’m in love with someone else.”
It was as if a lightning bolt had descended from the rainstorm cloud above and shot me straight in the chest. I gasped, feeling the shock spread throughout my body. How could he say he loved me? We’d just kissed for the first time three days ago. He didn’t know what he wanted.
I broke out of his grasp and headed for the porch steps. The rain was still pouring down, but I didn’t care. My body urged me to put as much space between me and the porch as possible. Jayden followed, calling my name. I took off down the sidewalk and made it several paces before the frustration built up so strong inside of me that I couldn’t help it anymore. Spinning around, I shook my finger at him.
“You can’t do that.” I wiped the water out of my eyes to glare at him. “You can’t make things up like that just to get me to choose you over my sister.”
He swore loudly and threw his hands up. “Mandy, I’m not making anything up. I have been in love with you since you first hit me over the head with a Wiffle bat in third grade. That kiss in sixth grade pretty much sealed the deal. And I have loved you ever since. It’s always been you.”
Thunder rolled above our heads as I gaped at him. My stomach turned somersaults, both with excitement and dread. This was so not what I’d expected. A week ago, I would’ve laughed in anyone’s face if they’d told me Jayden Paul would be telling me he loved me in the pouring rain outside my home.
“But...but why didn’t you tell me?” My voice was more accusing than I’d meant it to be.
He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. “We’ve already established that I’m an idiot. And plus, I thought you hated me.”
“I didn’t hate you.” My chin quivered as I thought about all the time we’d wasted being petty to each other. What I wouldn’t give to have those years back. “I thought you were annoying sometimes, but I never hated you.”
He laughed dryly and took a step toward me. It was enough to get the alarms blaring in my head again, so I crossed my arms over my chest as an extra barrier between us.
“Okay, so you didn’t hate me.” His gaze searched my face. “But what about now? Won’t you let me help you with all of this?”
This was like a flashback to the last time we’d been standing in this yard, hashing out our feelings. Had that only been a few days ago? Now, it felt like a lifetime. But this time, I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t even begin to unfold those emotions and unpack them. Not with everything else on the line.
“Right now, I’m telling you that we can’t do this.” My voice cracked as I tried not to cry. “And I can’t let you help. Not with Charlotte feeling so vulnerable. I’m responsible for her.”
“Maybe, we don’t have to tell her,” he said in a low, pleading tone.
I shot him a sharp look. “I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a liar. I won’t go behind her back.”
He nodded, regret crossing his face. “Yeah, you’re right. Stupid idea.”
I hated what this was doing to Jayden. I hated that I was the one hurting him. Reaching for his hands, I grabbed them and tried to warm them up. The run in the rain had made them icy cold. He wove his fingers between mine and held them tight.
“I’m not saying it’s forever,” I said, looking up at him. “But I just can’t do this right now. I can’t be with you. And I can’t go to prom with you. Not with everything going on. Not until Charlotte is back on stable ground. It’s my job to watch out for her. My parents are counting on me.”
He nodded curtly, maintaining a neutral expression, but I could still see the glint of sadness in his blue eyes. It was clear I didn’t deserve him. He was so sweet, even now as I was surgically ripping his heart out. I reached up to softly touch his cheek, doing my best to memorize the rough sensation of the scruff along his jaw. I’d dream of his face tonight, just like I had every night for the past few days.
“You’d better go,” I said finally, dropping my hand to my side.
He nodded, although his grip on my other hand didn’t loosen. He stared at me for a long second, before dipping down to brush his lips against mine one last time. It was way too quick for my taste, and left my heart crying out for more. But before I could stop him, he dropped my hand and walked away.
Shivers came over me as I stood there watching him. Maybe it was the ice-cold droplets still falling on my head or the sensation that I’d just made a huge mistake, but they were uncontrollable. The breeze picked up, whipping wisps of my hair around my head. I had no doubt it swallowed up my voice as I whispered, “I love you, too.”
There it was, undeniable from the moment Jayden had first uttered it to me. I’d never known what it was about Jayden that kept him in my thoughts. All this time, I’d mistaken it for annoyance, but I’d been wrong. I loved him, too.
And now—I was watching him walk away.
I wrapped my arms tightly around my abdomen as I trudged back to the house. By now, my pajamas and slippers were totally soaked. I needed a fresh change of clothes and another pint of mint chip ice cream. But when I walked into the house, I nearly collided with my sister.
“Charlotte!” I stared at her, wide-eyed. “How long have you been home?”
She shrugged off her jacket and hung it up cleanly in the coat closet. “Just got here. Came in the back door. I about drowned out there.”
Her voice was calm and level, not at all what I’d expect if she’d spotted me and Jayden together. And when she shot me a smile, I let out a silent sigh of relief.
“I’m gonna go study before supper,” she said, pointing over her shoulder. “I’ve got a math test tomorrow.”
I combed up the loose hairs around my face back into my ponytail. “Yeah, great idea. Let me know if you need any help.”
“You’ve helped plenty,” she said, as she headed toward her bedroom. “I’ve got to do the rest if I want to pass sophomore year.”
As much as my heart was hurting in that moment, it gave me a tiny bit of relief to see my sister doing so well. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d willingly studied without me having to practically babysit her. This was improvement.
At least I could do something right.
Even when everything else in my life was falling apart.
Chapter Twenty
He couldn’t even look at me.
Somehow, I’d mustered up the courage to go to school today. Two days at home alone would’ve made my mom concerned. So I’d put on some appropriate clothes, managed to at least finger-comb my straight hair up into a messy bun, and semi-enthusiastically brushed my teeth. But that was it. I’d been a splotchy, hot mess all morning and Jayden couldn’t even look at me when we passed in the cafeteria for lunch. I was pretty sure this twisting, tearing feeling in my gut was going to kill me.
“Are you guys officially on the outs?” Trina asked me, her eyes filled with sympathy.
Last night I’d filled my friends in on the drama that had now become my life. While they weren’t exactly supportive of my decision to push Jayden away, they’d still tried to make me feel better. I’d tried to go on with life as usual, but apparently Trina hadn’t missed my tortured expression as we carried our lunch trays to our table. I nodded and kept my chin tucked tight to my chest, fighting back the tears burning in my eyes. This really was the worst.
“Good news is there’s a silver lining in all of this,” I said, sitting in my chair and frowning at my less-than-appetizing mac ‘n’ cheese. “Mom told me this morning that the new manager at the diner is getting settled in. And Charlotte didn’t even complain last night about studying for her test.”
If we stayed on this path, maybe I wouldn’t have to avoid Jayden for much longer. Of course, the question that
kept me up last night was still bouncing around in my head: would he still love me after all of this was over? I couldn’t be sure. I could only cling to my hope that I’d be back in his arms before long.
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” Trina leaned over the table across from me, her green eyes taking in my face. “Seems to me like you’re taking care of everyone except yourself. What about you? Don’t you need someone to care about what you want?”
It was about as abrasive of a speech as I’d ever heard come out of my sweet friend’s mouth. I sighed and rubbed my fingers over the tensed muscles in my forehead. If there was another way, I’d do it. It just wasn’t possible.
“Jayden knows it’s only temporary. Charlotte has a short attention span. She’ll move onto something better soon and it’ll all be forgotten. Then, I can take care of myself.”
The way Trina’s lips pressed together told me she wasn’t convinced. But the interruption of Audrey arriving breathlessly at our table put an end to the conversation.
“Mandy...your sister...” She clasped at her chest, her eyes bugging. “Sarah...and the girls...”
I stood from my chair. “What about my sister?”
“They cut class this morning,” Audrey said with a deep inhale. “I heard some of the other cheerleaders talking about it. They went to the Cascades. And Charlotte went with them.”
Horror and disbelief rained down on my head. There was no way Charlotte had gone with them. Not after what had happened this weekend. Not after everything I’d done to keep her away from them.
“I have to go get her,” I said, staring blankly at Audrey. “I have to bring her back.”
She nodded sharply. “I’ll go with you.”
“And I’ll drive,” Trina added, rising from the table with her tray.
We slipped out the back parking lot and hopped in Trina’s car. I sat in the front passenger seat, going over in my head the whole way there just exactly what I was going to say to my sister to let her know how badly she’d messed up. I couldn’t believe that she’d flipped on me so quickly. It didn’t make sense. Why did she think any of this was okay?
Dare You to Fall for the Catcher Page 14