and: A love story within
Copyright © 2018 by Michelle Kaplan
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
ISBN (Softcover): 978-1-54393-922-4
ISBN (eBook): 978-1-54393-923-1
Cover art by Mitch Rosacker, www.selfdiscoverystudio.com
Author’s headshot taken by Michelle Arpin Begina
Praise for and: A love story within
Michelle Kaplan’s keen awareness of the truth of our human experience and her transparent vulnerability combined with her personal quest for freedom and self-expression make reading her poetry a deep and meaningful experience.
Jack Canfield, Coauthor of the Chicken Soup for the Soul® series and The Success Principles™: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
Michelle Kaplan set out on a journey to find herself amid all the inner and outer confusions and complexities of life. Many readers will find their own story in hers, and will find her poetry inspiring and empowering as they set out to do what she did: reconnect with themselves, and live out the love affair between ‘soul and ego, heart and mind, love and fear, heaven and earth.’ There’s a love story within all of us waiting to be written and rewritten, the kind of self-love without which all other love fails. May this book help you find, write, and live your inner love story.
Parker J. Palmer, Author of Let Your Life Speak, A Hidden Wholeness, and On the Brink of Everything
Michelle Kaplan’s poems have a way of latching onto ones’ soul and provides a sense of inner peace and freedom.
Jean Marie Rosone, LCSW, Coordinator of Integrative Oncology, Carol G. Simon Cancer Center, Morristown Medical Center
It took reading and: a love story within for me to realize that my conscious mind assumed “and” was a decision to be made, a conscious choice about how to live. No. It’s present in everyday living, striving and inclusive, a gift that is given, if only we can see. This book puts words to the inner knowings we all have, yet so easily dismiss. “And” gives permission to listen to the clear, steady, and persistent inner voice and in doing so fully become ourselves.
Michelle Arpin Begina, Senior Partner/Managing Director
Wealth Advisory Firm
and: a love story within is a mirror of your most inner thoughts and struggles. Self-reflections are brought to the surface that have been buried over time. It tugs at your soul and reminds you of who you once were and who you can rediscover.
Rosemarie M.
This book will touch your heart! As you read it, over and over again, you will be inspired and you will belly laugh! Like a dear friend you really trust, it will speak to you in the challenging moments of life. And—it will support you on your journey of True Self discovery and transformation!
Mitch Rosacker, Self Discovery Studio
“Though a personal journey of her own awareness, Michelle Kaplan’s poems enabled me to place myself in the story as if it was written for me. It put words to my own personal experiences that I had not found for myself. Thank you for sharing your journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. What is wonderful is that it shows that the journey to self-awareness unfolds in many stages, but in the end, the power of knowing who you are allows you to live life with one of the most wonderful people on this earth…yourself.”
Cindy Tomcak, Performance Coach
Michelle Kaplan allowed me to know her inner feelings and truths through her beautiful, inspiring and honest poetry. As she delves into her realities, fears and discoveries, she has encouraged me to do the same. I too, have searched all my life for the answers and through her insightful writing and creativity in and: A love story within, I was provided a guide to find my own inner voice and self.
Diana B.
Through her magical words and open heart, Michelle Kaplan awakens all our senses with her raw honesty, authenticity, and emotional journey of self-discovery. Although a deeply personal story woven together poem by poem, and: A love story within is amazingly relatable and universal, automatically inviting the reader to contemplate their own soul’s adventure. As you get to know the author, you cannot help but more precisely know yourself, a true sign of a masterpiece.
Cindy D. Whitmer, Coach, Speaker, Author, Founder of The Inspiration Center
Your words are like fingers touching my body, arousing me so.
Jillian Marty Dushane, Ph.D. Candidate, Communication, UMass Amherst
Table of Contents
The Invitation to and
Foreword
Preface
Prologue
The Clock Watcher
So I Write
The Ego… and the suffering it createsMessage from the Tea Leaves
Velvet Coffin
Quenching My Thirst
Gypsy
The Red Sundress
So Done!
The Soul… remembering who we really areMy Wish for You
From the Silence
A Beautiful View
The Orange Candle
Silent Prayer
True Nature
Morning Meditation
Spiritual Facial
Until Now
Self-Portrait
The resistance from the Ego… as the Soul emergesTribute to Diana
Truth
Unwritten
What is Real?
Pure
Authenticity
More Questions than Answers
What the Hell Am I Doing?
Wide Open
Unrequited
The Resolution… breaking up with myselfWordless
Belonging
A Winter’s Journey
Prison Walls
Breaking Up with Myself
Grace in the Wildness
The Reunion… of the Ego and SoulTooth Fairy
It
Worthy
The Middle Place
Turning 50
Playing It Safe
Rooting for Her
How to Be
Self-Expression
Not Business as Usual
Realizing and… the love affair of the heart and mindAwake
Crumbling
How about Now?
and
Loving All of Me
A Love Worth Waiting For
Shall We Dance?
Passengers
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
The Invitation to and
Come dream with me.
The night is still young.
We can go wherever we desire,
do the unthinkable,
and create the unimaginable.
Anything is possible
with a moon so full and bright.
So take my hand.
It’s time to go.
Come dream with me.
Foreword
I first met Michelle at one of Jack Canfield’s Train the Trainer programs after my stage demonstration of the RIM® Method, a body-centered transformational technique that I discovered. Her vitality and exuberance for life was immediately apparent and now I know why. She has what many people don’t—an intimate connection with herself.
The writing of poetry has provided Michelle a safe place to explore her demons. Little did she know how much richer and more expressive her life could be. In essence when she wrote the poetry book and, she reconnected with her soul. She fell in love with herself.
Since our first meeting, Michelle has trained with m
e and is a Certified RIM® Facilitator. Many times, we’ve shared our love of how images shape and transform our lives—whether through an imaginary adventure with The RIM® Method or through the writing or reading of poetry. Both experiences can take us to unknown destinations beyond the logical mind, yet offer answers to what really matters most—the true self.
Poetry has transformed my life also. In my book, Releasing the Inner Magician, I share how spontaneous writing in a poetry class brought me release and insight that healed my relationship with my daughter.
Michelle’s poetry holds great healing—healing from her own experiences—beautiful healing that readers get to share on their journey through and.
Deborah Sandella, PhD, RN
Founder of The RIM® Institute
Author of #1 International Bestseller, Goodbye, Hurt & Pain: 7 Simple Steps for Health, Love, and Success
Preface
It was more like the last straw than a big epiphany. I was just tired of feeling like it was never enough. For others. For me. I kept saying to myself, “I want to find the Truth.” I didn’t know exactly what that was other than to describe it as a more authentic way of being. I had this gnawing sense that there was more to life. There just had to be, because if this was it, I’m screwed.
So I started self-inquiry practices. One of them was writing to help clarify my thoughts and feelings. Through writing my musings, confessions, and insights, I had this one “aha” realization that changed everything for me. I finally understood this one simple and real truth.
I will never be enough and that I am enough.
These two simultaneous realities, paradoxical and true, made me feel hopeless and liberated at the same time. I recognized how much time and energy I spent trying to change others’ perceptions of me when what I really needed to do was change my perception of me. Instead, I was resisting by defending, controlling, and avoiding because, whether conscious of it or not, I believed them. Yet, there was also a small, deep place within me that understood the misperceptions were a load of crap.
I wanted to connect more to that small deep place within. I knew that to do that meant that I had to start listening and acting on my inner knowings, which, at times, goes against the grain. Many times I heard from others, “Get with the program, Michelle.” So I did. I really tried. But it really wasn’t working for me—or them.
There were also times when I decided, with the best intentions, not to go along with what was expected because I saw another way, which caused emotional reactions in others that I either internalized or had me campaigning hard, trying to convince them somehow to accept, or dare I say, even like what I was doing. Yeah, I know. Good luck with that.
So slowly, I started to live my truths, baby steps more than giant leaps, because I wasn’t really sure what was true anymore. Hence, my personal mantra was born, “Keep it simple. Keep it real.” Truth asks for only that.
No one said simple and real is easy. And yet, over time, as the small, deep place within me grew larger and became more accessible; others’ words and actions couldn’t penetrate my new armor of enoughness. In my search for answers, I received more questions and ultimately found a love story. The inevitable love affair between my soul and ego, heart and mind, love and fear, heaven and earth. This love story is within all of us waiting to be written and rewritten.
and: a love story within is a self-transformational book written in poetic verse, stories within a story, textured and layered, of my personal journey in the universal search for Truth. The way to truth and love is a lifelong, moment-to-moment process built on the ever-growing foundation of trust as I continue to feel my way through the unsteadiness and inconsistency of living in the divine mystery in a world that demands human certainty. The offering of my poems is an invitation for you to rise up to your highest potential and create true love from the inside out since my truth is your truth.
One Truth. The Truth.
With love and gratitude,
Michelle
June 15, 2018
Prologue
The Clock Watcher
I grab my folders, pack up my laptop, and head out of work.
I pass You in the hallway on my way out.
Not so subtly,
You glance at your watch and then back at me
with a look of disapproval.
At a meeting about a week ago,
You spoke to the group
about your disdain for the Clock Watchers,
the ones who leave exactly on time,
every day, no less.
They’re lazy, uncaring and unaccountable,
always trying to get away with something.
There should be no tolerance for this.
It’s 5:00 o’clock on the dot
and I’m hurrying out of work…
again.
I’m in my car now,
on the highway,
when I notice a sea of red
from the brake lights
of the cars stopped in traffic.
I slowly crawl through the congestion
with everyone else.
I’m getting nervous.
The clock on the dashboard reads 5:30
and I’m only half way home.
I need to pick up my daughter
from the after school program by six.
I watch a black Audi
weaving in and out of lanes,
desperately or valiantly
trying to get out of this mess.
Finally, a clearing on the road ahead.
GO!
I race the rest of my commute home,
round the corner into the school parking lot
a little faster than I should
and park the car.
5:58
Perfect.
Two minutes to spare.
As I sprint in my high heels
into the school cafeteria,
I see you sitting at a table,
all alone,
with your backpack and lunch bag by your side,
all ready to go.
Waiting.
You run into my arms
and give me a big hug,
“Momma, you came!”
“Of course, honey.”
We gather your stuff and you ask me,
so gently,
so softly,
“Why am I always the last kid to be picked up every night?”
I quickly shift my body and look away,
as I don’t want you to see the tears forming,
evidence of my heart breaking.
I can barely get out the words,
“I’m so sorry.”
You reply back,
“It’s okay. I’m alright. How was your day?”
Always thinking of me.
How kind and thoughtful you are.
We rush off to dinner,
giggling and being silly
as we do your homework
at a booth at the diner.
Then off to an hour of tutoring
to help you with the subjects
you’re struggling with.
You look tired
when I pick you up,
but you still have that bright smile
on your beautiful face.
I think about your day,
as an eight year old,
who left the house
at 7:45 this morning,
and twelve hours later, there is
no complaining,
no whining
after all your hard work.
Just sweetness.
How much I learn from watching you.
We get home,
get into our pj’s
> and cuddle on the couch,
watching your favorite show,
finally time to relax.
I put you to bed, and,
after talking time and the usual stalling,
you fall asleep with Bear Bear
tucked safely in your arms.
I, on the other hand,
head downstairs,
grab my paperwork and laptop bag
and head to the kitchen table,
to finish an assignment
that’s due at the end of the week.
As I work by the glow of the light
coming off my monitor,
I think about Your view of me
as a Clock Watcher.
I don’t get the glory of being the hero at work,
riding into the conference room after hours,
on my white horse,
ready to save the project from near disaster.
I don’t get called up on stage at the banquet dinner
to receive an award for my tireless contributions.
No, I don’t even get credit
for giving good face time
for working at my desk late into the evening.
Instead, Clock Watchers are quietly working
and eating lunch alone
because we know
we have to make the most of our time
at the office.
We continually make conflicting choices,
which school functions
to attend during work hours.
We juggle, scramble, and barter
on who is going to watch our child when they get sick,
have a miscellaneous day off from school,
or when we receive
the dreaded snow day robo-call at 5:00 a.m.
It’s working diligently
at the kitchen table
until 11:30 at night
to make sure we get our work done,
whenever we can,
without anyone, but ourselves
knowing how much we accomplish.
Clock Watchers celebrate silent, solitary victories.
With these last thoughts,
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