by Stacy M Wray
I wrap my mom in a hug and say, “Oh my God, Mom, thank you so much. It’s perfect.”
“We’re also funding your trip as part of your graduation gift.”
I sit back and look at her – God, my parents are the best. “Mom, you don’t have to do that. I’ve got plenty saved.”
“We know you do, Karma. But let us do this…it’s our gift to you.”
I hug her again and then realize I need to get in the shower.
Getting up from my bed, I ask her, “So…do you know where Braden’s taking me?”
She gives me a knowing smile but just shrugs her shoulders. “Not going to talk, huh?”
Shaking her head, she heads downstairs. “I’ll make you some lunch while you’re in the shower.”
Standing under the steaming hot water feels so good, easing my aching joints from having sat on a huge rock for hours. I can’t help but replay the night in my head, remembering every word Braden spoke. Then my nerves take over, realizing the conversation I need to have with him. I need for him to understand how much this trip means to me, to have this independence and time to do some soul-searching. My confidence builds the longer I think things through, the soothing spray of the shower washing away any doubts lingering in my mind.
After my shower, I quickly get dressed then head downstairs.
“There she is…my beautiful birthday girl,” my dad says, as I enter the kitchen.
“Thanks, Dad,” I tell him. “And thanks for the camera, too – I love it.” I give him a kiss and hug.
“I can’t believe you’re nineteen and almost time for you to go to college. Where has the time gone?” I swear his eyes get misty, and I can’t take it when my dad’s eyes get misty.
“Stop, Dad. There’s still plenty of time before that,” I do my best to snap him out of his sappiness.
He slides a sandwich over to me and says, “Eat. Your mom made this for you.”
I get half my sandwich down but my nerves are still getting the best of me. I don’t want our time to be ruined by my nerves – Braden has been so great.
Before I know it, he’s on my doorstep and my mom enters with him. I can tell by her clothes that she’s been working in the flowerbeds. “Look who I found,” she says, with Braden following her in. He looks so unbelievably good after such little sleep.
He winks at me. “You ready?” He kisses me on the cheek and waits for my answer.
“Yep – just let me grab my phone.” I run upstairs to retrieve it, and I’m back down quickly.
We say our goodbyes and my parents tell us to have fun as we walk towards Braden’s car. Opening my door for me, he watches me slip into the seat then walks around the car. I watch him and still can’t believe he’s mine.
He gets in and pulls his sunglasses down off of his head to cover his eyes. “Let’s go, babe.”
I turn on the radio while he drives, finding a song I like from Gavin DeGraw. As I learn of my surroundings, I figure out where we’re going.
Braden must’ve been watching my face because he says, “Look familiar?”
I laugh and say, “Are we going camping again?” Our first date was spent sitting around a campfire surrounded by lumbering pines and mountain peaks. Far from the realm of pizza and a movie.
I’ll never forget that time, finally coming to my senses, realizing Braden was the real deal.
Closing my eyes, I visualize the whole scene. The sun had reflected off the lake, imitating the appearance of crystals dancing across the tiny ripples caused by the slight breeze, the same breeze that provoked the top branches of the pines to whisper as their soft needles brushed against one another. Off in the distance, I recognized a tireless beak pounding incessantly on a tree trunk in rapid successions. Braden had chairs placed around a ring of wood, and fixed us dinner over the fire.
I can almost smell the fresh scent of pine and earth as I recall the memory.
I also remember it so well because that was the night of our first kiss. We had just finished our dinner, enjoying the blaze of the dancing flames as the darkness settled in around us.
“Braden?”
“Hmm?”
“This has been the best date.” Looking at him, he seemed pleased with himself.
“All you had to do was give me a chance.” He leaned over slowly, his eyes on my mouth. My lips parted slightly, hoping this would finally be the moment I’d been waiting for all day. When his lips brushed mine, it was so slight that I was afraid I almost imagined it. Then they brushed again…then again. His hand slowly hooked behind my neck, crashing our lips together in a full-blown, heart-stopping, lose-my-wits kiss. My lips kissed him back, thanking him for not giving up on me, for moving back here and making me realize that he really was my type. They thanked him for sticking up for me when Matt spread those vicious rumors about me after the homecoming dance. His firm but gentle kiss didn’t let up, as if they were telling me you’re welcome.
“Karma,” he whispered against my mouth, resting his forehead against mine. “I knew you’d come around eventually,” he said, somewhat out of breath.
Needing the air to replenish in my lungs, my response was barely audible. “Yeah?”
He nods. “There’s no denying there’s something between us…it just took you a little longer to see it, that’s all.”
And thank God I did.
Braden’s voice pulls me from the past. “Yep, but this time we’re camping all night – with your parents’ consent.”
“Seriously? We get to spend the night?” He flashes me a look, and I know we’re both on the same page, my insides quivering.
He pulls into our site, and I see he’s got a tent up already and everything is all set up. I turn to him. “Oh my God, Braden, did you not get any sleep today?”
Giving me his infamous half-grin, he says, “I got enough. Come on…it’s a great day for camping.”
I help him get stuff out of the back of his car and carry it to the site.
While he’s still unloading things, I notice the wood in the pit and there’s kindling to the side. I grab the lighter off the table and decide I’ll try to get the fire going. I watched Braden start the fire last time and think I remember what he did.
I take the skinny brush and form it into a ball, catching one side on fire and quickly tucking it under the wood already stacked upright. While the brush is burning, I grab the kindling and carefully place it on top of the brush, being careful not to suffocate the existing flames.
I stand back and watch the fire roar with life with the biggest smile on my face. Suddenly, I hear Braden from behind the car. “Do I smell smoke? Is everything okay, Karma?”
Still grinning, I say, “Yeah, it’s fine. I just got the fire going – no big deal.”
I hear him walk up a ways and stop with a shocked look on his face.
“Does it turn you on that I got the fire going?”
He gets a wicked grin on his face and says, “Yeah…it kinda does.” Parking a cooler beside the table, he unloads the bags from his other arm, while I lean into the fire and let the heat soak into my bare legs.
“I have a bag for you…with some warmer clothes. Your mom packed it and gave it to me earlier.”
“Well, you are a sneaky one, Mr. Stewart. I’m going to have to remember that.”
He walks over and puts a grate over the fire and then puts olive oil in a pan, setting it on the grate. Looking up at me, he says, “Fire looks good. There’s hope for you yet.”
I make a face at him like a five-year-old and he chuckles.
“Come on – you can help me get the fish ready – I caught them earlier today.” He holds out his hand and I take hold – I will never grow tired of Braden holding my hand. There’s something so intimate about such a simple gesture.
He lays the fish on a plate and slides it towards me. I sprinkle some blackening seasoning on it while he gets some other things out of the cooler. He pulls out some potato salad, strawberries and a bag of chips. Only a guy would pa
ir chips with campfire fish. I smile at him.
“It won’t take hardly any time for the fish to cook. Why don’t you get us some drinks from the cooler?” He walks to the fire and puts the fish in the pan.
Within fifteen minutes, we are sitting in front of the fire enjoying a great meal. “This is excellent, Braden. Thank you for dinner.”
He winks at me and says, “I’m glad you like it.”
When we finish eating, we clean everything as best we can. I slip into the tent to put on the long pants and a sweatshirt my mom packed. When I get back out, Braden has blankets for us and waits for me to sit down before wrapping them around us.
He pulls a small box from under his leg, placing it in my lap. “Happy birthday, Karma.” I’m surprised because he’s already done so much.
“Thank you.” I unwrap the small box, wondering what’s inside. After lifting the lid, I see the most beautiful sterling silver Tree of Life pendant hanging from a silver chain. “Braden…it’s so beautiful.”
I turn to him and see him beam with happiness. “It just looked so much like you. I know you don’t wear a lot of jewelry but this looked like something you would…if you did.”
I lean over and grab his face, kissing him with urgency. “Thank you – it’s perfect.” I take the necklace from the box and unclasp it. “Will you help me?”
Lifting my hair for him, Braden wraps the chain around my neck and hooks the clasp. I turn back to him and ask, “What do you think?”
“It is perfect – just like you.” He takes my hand and we both lean back into our chairs, staring into the fire.
The guilt festers again, knowing the conversation I need to have with him.
“Braden?”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve been trying to think of what I could do to fill my time while you’re gone this summer, and I’ve decided to take a road trip.”
He turns his head to look at me, his brows scrunched in question. “What do you mean? A road trip to where?”
I shrug and say, “Anywhere…everywhere. I don’t know.”
He studies me for a minute and says, “Okay…”
I say nothing and he continues staring at me. “Why do I get the feeling there’s a lot more you’re not saying, Karma?”
“Just hear me out, okay? Before you say anything?”
He nods and I take a big, cleansing breath.
“I wouldn’t be the only one going. The trip was Jeremy Weaver’s idea.” I see fire in his eyes and his body tenses when he realizes I’m serious.
Here we go…
“What?” His voice is three times louder than his normal speaking voice.
“Just listen, Braden. First of all, there’s absolutely nothing going on here. You know Jeremy and I have become good friends, right?”
He continues to stare at me in disbelief and doesn’t answer.
“Well, he told me how he wanted to take a road trip over the summer…kind of a soul-searching trip before college…and invited me to go. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go.” Still nothing from him. I lean in, placing my hand on his knee. “I need something like this for myself, Braden. I’m feeling a little lost these days.”
He jumps out his chair and paces for a minute before turning to face me. “Since when? You’ve certainly never shared with me you were feeling lost. And just what the hell does that mean anyway?”
“Don’t get mad. I want to be able to talk about this without you being pissed off.”
“I think we’re past me being pissed off, Karma, don’t you? What did you expect? Some guy wants to take off with my girl and I’m just supposed to say, “Sure – have at her – enjoy yourself.” His hands grip at the back of his neck in frustration. “What the fuck, Karma?”
“It’s not like that, Braden. I just told you he’s never said or done anything to give me the impression he wants more than friendship. He knows all about us. There’s nothing there!” I’m starting to get frustrated myself.
“Christ, Karma, look at you. Do you think any guy isn’t going to get attached to you after spending God knows how many days in a car with you?”
“I’m not an object to look at, Braden – I’m a person. A person who you’re supposed to trust.”
He shuts up for a minute and paces more. “I do trust you, Karma, but hell, what if the situation were reversed. Would you want me going off on some road trip with some girl who asked me to go?”
Dammit! The answer’s No…I wouldn’t. But he doesn’t know Jeremy like I do and I trust him. How do I make him see?
“What’s really going on here, Karma? Are you that pissed I have to leave for soccer training and have ruined our summer together? Is that what this is about? You getting back at me?”
Is it? Maybe a little.
“Look, the opportunity arose and I’m taking it. It’s just what I need right now.” I thought this conversation would be hard but I have to admit how good it feels finally making a decision and being in charge of my own life. That I made plans without consulting him. Did he consult me before he committed his whole summer to soccer? Did I have a say in UCLA? That was my only choice if I wanted us to be together, but still, I didn’t have a voice.
His eyes widen, a look of surprise crossing his face as he freezes from his pacing. Remaining silent, I take that as my cue to continue.
“Braden, you dominate a room as soon as you walk into one. Then throw your almost perfect athleticism into the equation and everyone puts you up on some kind of pedestal. You look life in the face and grab it – you’re just one of those kinds of people, Braden, through no fault of your own.”
He still says nothing but his mouth remains pursed.
“Then you’ve got someone like me who has always accepted being part of the background…blending in. I feel like I live in your shadow…an extension of you. Everything we do or decide depends on you and your dreams. And I share those dreams, Braden, I do…but I need to live my life for me, too…”
“I’ve always put you first whenever I can, Karma.” His words sound defensive but I remain determined to make my point.
I think for a minute and try another approach. “What college am I attending, Braden?”
“What?”
“What college am I attending?”
He looks at me like I’m an idiot but finally responds, “UCLA, Karma, you’re going to UCLA.”
“And why am I going there?”
He stares with a blank expression, the hurt on his face evident, which kills me.
“Don’t you want to go there, Karma? I thought this was our plan? So we could be together.”
“I understand it was the only way for us to be together, Braden, but I was totally robbed of picking the college of my choice. Don’t you get what I’m trying to say? I’m so caught up in the role of being your girlfriend, making sure things happen for you, that I don’t even know what I want. The only thing I do know is I love you and I want us together.”
He plops back down in his chair and holds his face down in his hands for a long time. He finally lifts his head and looks at me with tears in his eyes and it guts me. “Am I losing you?”
Did he not hear what I just said? I realize this conversation is messing with his head, causing him to think I want to break up with him. But he’s got to recognize the fact that not everything is about him. This road trip represents me…only me. I slowly shake my head and say emphatically, “You are not losing me.”
“Are you sure?”
Now I manage a smile and tell him, “Positive.”
More silence as he thinks. “Why didn’t you ever tell me you weren’t happy?”
I grab his hand and hold it tightly. “I am happy…I’m just frustrated. I need to do something just for myself – something that doesn’t have anything to do with you.” Why can’t he grasp what I’m saying? “You overshadow me and I need to get out from your shadow before I get to UCLA…so we can remain a couple but as two individual people. I don’t just
want to be known as your girlfriend – I want to be known as Karma Mickelson, who just so happens to be your girlfriend.”
He looks as if he’s trying to grasp what I’m saying. Standing up, he says, “I’m going to go over by the lake and think. Will you be okay by yourself? I’ll be within hearing distance.” His voice sounds so defeated.
Placing my hand on his arm, I give him a squeeze and say, “Yes. Take all the time you need.”
He throws two more logs on the fire before walking towards the water.
I never dreamed this conversation would become so tense. I tried to explain it the best I could but I hate hurting him. It’s not his fault he swallows me up…he’s done nothing to hurt me, which is probably why it’s so hard for him to hear.
Leaning my head back, I take in the quiet all around me except for the crackling sounds of the charred wood and insects composing their nightly symphony. It’s a clear, crisp night, the stars’ brilliant light casting a spotlight on me, bringing attention to the fact that my universe is out of alignment. At least it seems to be tonight.
What’s going through his mind? I don’t know what his thoughts are at the moment, but I feel the weight of the past couple of weeks dissolve as a floating sensation takes over me. I feel free for the first time in a long time. Like I’ve just sprouted wings and, damn, it feels good. A slow smile spreads across my face, knowing this is just the first steps of many to get in touch with my authentic self.
I think I hear him approaching; the sound of twigs crunching beneath heavy footsteps has me searching for him.
His dark figure comes into view, and I lost track of time since I was so lost in thought myself.
Standing on the other side of the fire, his expression makes me think he’s in a better place than when he left a while ago. He stares at me for a long time before he finally speaks.
“It hurts you’ve been planning this behind my back the whole time, Karma. Maybe I’m acting like a baby but…I never thought we kept secrets.”
He’s right. I have done all of this behind his back. “What do you call keeping your summer plans from me? You weren’t exactly forthcoming, Braden.”
“That was different – I knew you’d be upset.” And just as soon as the words leave his mouth, he realizes what he’s just admitted to. It’s the same damn thing. A triumphant pleasure soars through me, ready for this conversation to be over as his face turns sour.