• Listen. Reread “Mirror! Mirror!” (mini-chapter 9) to stay on top of those active and reflective listening skills, because the first “do” in any group or team is actually listening to the other people without planning your own comeback.
• It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. That was always my mom’s line to me. I think I maybe heard it a million times (seriously) growing up, but I suppose that’s maybe because I needed to listen to her advice a little more. It’s true. Gentle feedback is going to work a lot better than getting all aggressive. “I’d really like it if…” is a whole lot nicer than “Do it this way…” or “I think you should…”
• Try responding to others’ ideas with appreciation. Remember in “So You Noticed a Kindness” (mini-chapter 3) we talked about how you can find something nice to say about any gift? Same strategy. We’re not talking empty fluff, here—find and offer some honest recognition of another’s contribution. “You did a lot of research!” or “That’s a helpful idea,” show appreciation and offer encouragement without agreeing with the conclusion.
• Offer your idea as a question rather than as a demand or fact. Use “and” instead of “but.” It’s a nicer conjunction. Try: “Have you also thought of…?” or “I was wondering if it might also work if we…?” or “OK. And also, what do you all think of…?”
• Suggest reviewing the facts together. One of the most famous “getting along with others” books ever written says, “Nobody will ever object to your saying, ‘I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts’” (Carnegie 1936, p.67). So, you could say, “Do you agree?” or “Well, I actually had a different idea, but maybe I’m wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time! Could we look at all the facts together?” Suddenly, you have built a team in which everyone has a voice.
That Whole Other Person’s Point-of-View Thing Again
Henry Ford, inventor and automobile industry legend, said, “If there’s any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” As a suspected Aspie himself, maybe it’s not so surprising that Ford realized the value of perspective—it was probably as hard for him to figure out as it is for you and me.
I’ll even take that a step further and say that not only is it important to hear each person’s unique perspective, but to get at why they think that way. Personal experiences often have great impact on people’s opinions. The family of a soldier may have a hard time tolerating anti-war discussions. Someone who’s recently been dumped may not really want to hear why “love makes the world go ‘round.’” The more you know about the person speaking, the better you understand why he believes what he does, what unique experiences he may be drawing upon, and what sensitive topics he may not wish to consider. In those cases, just steer clear. When emotions are talking, logic is never going to prevail.
The truth is that everyone wants to succeed. They want to feel smart and important and liked, just as you do. Trust that. I know it’s hard to operate in a world where so much seems confusing. One of the greatest fears we Aspies carry around with us all of the time is that we don’t know what is coming. We don’t know what will happen or what someone will say or how they will react. So we pile on routine after schedule after appointment after ritual after rule to try to organize the world. And it doesn’t work. We’re still anxious.
So use this as a guideline: Everyone feels that he or she is the most important, most interesting person in the world. The next time you are in a conversation or paired up for a task, on a date or at a party—ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were in her place? What would I want to hear?” Don’t respond with what you want to say or what you are feeling. Respond to what she might be feeling. With that one rule memorized, life won’t ever feel as scary or as unpredictable, simply because you took the time to consider another’s point of view. And you acted like a wet noodle.
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You’ve Got to Hold the Pillow
Why Criticism Matters
Need-to-Knows
• No one enjoys criticism, but nothing improves without it.
• Black-and-white thinking (being uncooked spaghetti) can make it hard to really listen to a critique.
• “Old wounds” from bullying may make criticism feel like an actual attack, even if no one is actually out to hurt us.
• We have to be able to “hold the pillow” to learn and grow as people.
Asperkid Logic
When I submit a manuscript to my editors and publisher, I know what messages I want my words to get across to readers. I’ve thought about my audience and what I think you will want to know. I’ve considered my own experiences, and sorted through loads of memories, picking those that will most clearly illustrate my ideas. It’s a lot of work—and more than that, there is a lot of heart tied up in these words. Putting it bluntly, I care what I put out there—and I care if you like it.
But before these words make it to you, they pass by copy-editors and publishing teams, marketing strategists and production departments. And that’s scary. Every reader has an opinion. Which is why—no matter how good my original manuscript—I will receive “constructive criticism.”
I’m going to ask you to try a little experiment. Pretend you have sat at a computer for hours (and hours, and hours) and poured your heart out to a world of strangers. When the feedback comes to your inbox, how will you react? OK. Hold that thought. We’re coming back to it.
Criticism is scary. It is direct and intimidating. We all want to be liked (or loved) absolutely. And a critique can hurt. It can shake your confidence. But, let’s be honest, it’s the only way to find out what we can do better. And unless we are content being and doing everything for the rest of our lives as well as we can today, we have to learn to take it. More than that, we have to learn to use it.
No one likes being criticized, but Aspies have a particularly hard time managing it. Do you remember the “hold the pillow” demonstration I explained in the Introduction? Even if others’ observations are soft and gentle (like a pillow), we Aspies often get more than a little freaked out when they are tossed our way. The point of that whole “pillow” deal is that if we dodge those pillows (which represent critiques) or we let them bounce off of us without taking hold of them, they are left lying around us, and they get tossed at us again and again. Probably harder each time. BUT…if we can catch the pillows—if we can calmly hold on to the feedback—there is quickly nothing left to throw at us. It’s all over. And we are still standing.
I’m Right. You’re Wrong. And That’s That
For some of us, we are just too darned sure that our way is the right way; if our way of thinking is questioned or put down, it feels as though we, ourselves, are being disrespected. We’re too invested.
When I was in college, I was the social chair for my sorority (kind of ironic for an Aspie, huh?). Among other things, I was in charge of our parties. During one particular semester, we’d been having a problem with members inviting more guests than they were allowed. This meant we’d run out of refreshments too fast, the lounge would get too crowded, and we’d have to spend more money on supplies than the budget could afford. I explained all of this at a general meeting. Everyone agreed that each girl should be allowed to give out two invitations only, which guests would then have to present for admission.
The evening of the next party, things were going smoothly—we were full but not over-crowded, the music was fun, everyone looked great and was having a blast. Then, there was a problem at the door. There were two senior guys who wanted to come in. They were nice guys, but were notorious for getting completely crazy…and they didn’t have invitations. Politely (and nervously), I said they’d have to leave. However, our sorority president, a senior herself, stood at the door and told them to come on in anyway. Then she turned to me and said I was making a big deal out of nothing. “Quit being such a Goody-Two-Shoes,” she told me. It was a party and everyone j
ust wanted to have fun. And besides, I was just a lowly sophomore.
OK, I’m going to admit—I got mad. Really mad. And I said so. Even though I was two years her junior (meaning she outranked me in both officer position and age), she was breaking the rules. As far as I was concerned, I was running this party, and I was responsible for the budget. She had no right to tell me what to do and I said so.
Now let me paint that scene with fifteen extra years of perspective. We were actually both right. Which means we were actually both wrong, too.
As the leader of the organization and an upperclassman, the president should’ve pulled me aside privately and said politely that we were going to make an exception to the rule, rather than embarrassing me in public. Her style stunk. But you know what? She’d given enough of her time and talents to the group that she certainly deserved to have whomever she wanted at a party.
And, her criticism of me was true, too. I was so stuck on “the rule” that I was missing the larger picture—this was not something worth making a fuss over. Kicking the guys out would have upset them and probably a lot of their friends, who were already inside. I was being uncooked spaghetti, a rigid thinker. I was sure I was right and she was wrong. The bigger social consequences I might’ve caused never even crossed my mind.
Old Wounds
There is another reason Aspies can have a super-hard time handling a critical evaluation or disagreement. Many of us have already had enough criticism to last a lifetime. For those who have been bullied (by teachers, kids, even family members), more judgment just feels as if we’re being attacked all over again. You can even listen to the word choices some of us use to describe the feedback: “I was…attacked, bashed, beat up.” That’s because the feeling is the same as if we’ve actually been thrown against a locker, cornered in a bathroom or scared on the playground. Again. We really do feel threatened. Or stupid. Less. Lonely. Rejected. Corrected or blamed. And that’s just too much hurt to hold.
What do you do if someone is actually going to attack you? Fight or flight, right? You run or you hunker down and fight back with everything you have. My husband is really smart—the kind of guy who talks about quantum physics for fun. But school was awful for him. He has learning challenges, like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and dyslexia, that were never diagnosed when he was a kid. So even though his IQ shows otherwise, he always felt dumb and got terrible grades. It’s not too surprising, then, that any kind of criticism which makes him feel as though someone is questioning his intelligence gets him really riled up, really fast. That old instinct to protect himself is always close to the surface. He goes right to fight position—even balls up his fists or grits his teeth, and has to actually remind himself that no one in this house thinks or would say that he’s “stupid.” He’s just hearing old “tapes” playing in his mind. And so, he can barely hear any value to the criticism above all the noise in his memory.
Editing
Truth. No one likes to be criticized. And to be fair, giving good feedback is really tough, too. But if a message is delivered well, by someone who cares, and if we can learn to “hold the pillow” (see the next rule!), really good changes take place. I promise.
It’s been said that criticism is like a pain in your body, not particularly pleasant, but necessary. It calls your attention to fixing whatever is broken.
Remember my telling you about the editing process? The amazingly awesome thing that has happened is that I have learned whom I will trust and when to listen. I trust that I am a good writer. I trust that people who read books all day long want mine to matter, too. I trust my editors’ insights, and they trust my passion. So now, I take a breath, open the email, and know that whatever words I read will help me create something better than I ever could have done on my own.
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Take a Breath and Watch the Hammer
Knowing How to Handle Criticism
Need-to-Knows
• Criticism can bring you down. It can also build you up.
• Diffuse criticism from people you don’t trust. Seek it out from people you do.
• The more defensively you react to criticism, the more likely it is true.
• Take a breath, “hold the pillow,” listen and learn.
Asperkid Logic
“Constructive criticism” is a weird expression. It’s sort of an oxymoron—like “jumbo shrimp.” Criticism generally points out weaknesses, right? Not exactly a confidence-builder there.
True, no one likes to be told she’s wrong. And it is really, really hard not to take criticism personally. There’s that whole natural defensive reaction we talked about earlier. So, we shut our minds, dig our heels in—and either get stubborn, get mad, or get mean. Or maybe all three. And you know who loses? Nobody but us.
Imagine it this way: You see someone coming at you carrying a hammer—something powerful which can hurt you. So you cover your head or put up your fists, ready for the attack. Instead, though, stop a moment. Take a breath. That hammer is like criticism. Criticism can be a tool for destruction, but also for construction. It can knock you down or be just the tool you need to build yourself up.
Diffuse the Bomb, Value the Perspective
OK, you’ve been criticized. Do you think that the other person has more experience or information than you do? Your parent. An older brother. Your teacher. Do you trust that this person believes you can do or be better? If the answer is “No,” and the person is just trying to get a reaction out of you, don’t give it to him. When you get upset, you give up your power.
You’ve heard of diffusing a bomb? Well, you can diffuse mean-spirited criticism, too. If someone rants and raves at you about how dumb an idea is, or how your make-up is all wrong, diffuse the criticism by indirectly AGREEING.
It’d look like this: “You know (shake your head, or give a small laugh), that’s a really interesting point. Thanks so much for bringing it up. I will be sure to give it the attention it deserves.” [which, by the way, is none!] Now move or turn away. And congratulations! You have just told this person that her point wasn’t even worth your time. It was ridiculous, and so was she. Well played, Asperkid. Well played.
When It is Someone You Trust
On the other hand, if the answer to “Do you trust this person?” is “yes,” then the feedback is probably valuable. Take a breath, “hold the pillow,” and listen.
We just spent a whole rule going over why criticism is particularly hard for Aspies to handle. So, even if we understand that it can be good for us, how do we accept it? In real life, you’re going to be feeling strong emotions, so I’m not saying this is easy. Not even close. I’m just saying—from one Aspie to another—to get along in the NT world, this isn’t optional. Being able to tolerate and use criticism is one of the main ways we are judged as being mature and together—or not.
Tip 1: It’s Not about You
Constructive criticism is about an idea, action or thing. It’s not actually about you. That’s really important, so I’m going to say it again. Constructive criticism is not about you. It may be about your idea, your drawing, your performance, or your decision—but it’s not a judgment of who you are, or of how smart or worthwhile you are as a person. Do not mistake criticism of what you have done, created or said for a personal evaluation.
Tip 2: The More Defensive You Get When You Hear It, the More Likely the Criticism is (At Least Partially) Right
Don’t think so? OK, try this experiment. Let’s say I walked over to you and said, “You are an old geezer.” That’s ridiculous, obviously. There’s no truth to it at all. So you’re not going to get upset.
What if I said something else, though. Something like, “You’re weird.” Well, it’s not very nice, but you know what, we Aspies are a little different than most other people. We’re not typical. So, there might be the tiniest bit of truth to that comment. You might even feel a little uncomfortable and get a little defensive. “What do you mean?” you may say. “Where do YOU
get off calling ME weird?”
Now let’s take the experiment to an extreme. What if I said, “You are a weird know-it-all and think you’re better than everyone else. Nobody wants to be friends with you.” THAT is going to get anyone going, but most especially an Aspie because it hits us in our most sensitive spot. We ARE afraid that no one wants to be our friend. And sometimes, it’s even true.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I think that last statement was the most awful thing anyone could say to you or any other Asperkid. And because I’ve had it said to me. I cried terribly—because I believed it was true. And it was, a little bit.
That’s a danger for us Asperkids. We “break” these hidden rules, and end up sending all sorts of messages that we don’t mean to. I didn’t realize it, but a lot of times, I did sound like a know-it-all. And because of that, not too many people did want to be my friend. Oh, they had no business being mean—but I didn’t make things better, either.
Think back to a time in your own life when somebody’s comment really got to you. Now be honest—did it end up being true—even a little bit? Probably so, and that’s why it bothered you.
Tip 3: Don’t Wait for “Haters” to be Harsh or Cruel. Seek Out Criticism from Friends and People you Trust at a Pace You Can Take
If you are brave enough to listen, you may discover things you can change that will make your whole life better.
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules Page 10