Want to know a secret? Anger is a band-aid feeling. Like a plastic bandage, it is a protective layer—very real, but not what has to be healed to make you feel better. Anger sits on top of loneliness, fear, shame or sorrow. If we make a mess just dealing with our anger, we never get to fix the wound underneath. We’re alone and we’re still hurt—with some extra shame or loneliness piled on top.
You cannot change what you don’t know (or won’t admit) is true. That’s why the Oracle was right: KNOWING that you are likely to run or explode gives you the chance to stop and do neither. Instead, you have the chance to gracefully stand up for yourself—to self-advocate.
Do not give up your power to those who would take it. As my Dumbledore reminded me, you must continue to shine—humbly—but shine, nonetheless. Quoting an ancient Chinese poet, Lao Tzu, he told me:
Achieve results,
But never glory in them.
Achieve results,
But never boast.
Achieve results,
But never be proud.
Achieve results,
Because this is the natural way.
Achieve results,
But not through violence.
(Henricks 1989, p.82)
Instead of losing control or losing my dignity, I literally stopped, breathed and waited. And it made every bit of difference—I took my time, gathered my facts, and stayed calm.
The NT world rewards careful action. What you do (or don’t do) matters much more than what you say. By keeping cool, I was able to think about what I really wanted. I took a risk, and stood up for myself. Yes, of course I was totally scared the whole time—but being brave means feeling scared but doing it anyway. So I was brave. I decided that I was worth standing up for, and so are you.
Motivated by a great love (for Asperkids!), I made a clear list of unarguable facts, not opinions or feelings. I asked for, and received, an apology. And, by taking the time to really listen to some other ideas, was able to suggest “middle-ground” solutions. In the end, I won. No, the situation didn’t get solved as I’d have liked. But that wasn’t what I was really after—that’s beyond my control. My goal was to act in a way that would make myself proud. And for maybe the first time I can ever remember, I am very, very proud.
When you are upset, you CAN stay strong AND flexible if you:
• Stop. Don’t react immediately. Don’t speak.
• Breathe. Several times, slowly. This calms your nervous system and gets you out of the fight/flight mode.
• Squeeze—squeeze a stress ball, push your palms together. This calms your body and gives you someplace to send your energy.
• Get some privacy if you can and WAIT (it will be hard, I know, but it’s worth it). Wait until you can check in with someone you trust or at least until you have had time to calm down.
• React with facts not with feeling. This is one of the weirdest switcheroos. When we’re upset, we lose our Aspie logic and get too emotional. The NT world will respect you for clearly, calmly presenting facts; they won’t change a thing just to suit your feelings.
Put together, it’s called self-advocacy. It’s what I finally did for myself, and what you can do, too.
Teaching the World How to Treat You
I’ve heard it said that we teach other people how to treat us. I think that’s very true. Self-advocacy is teaching other people to treat us with dignity and respect. It is asking for what we deserve, and not accepting anything less.
If you tolerate poor treatment, you teach people to treat you poorly. If you politely and calmly demand what your deserve, you teach them that you expect respect, fairness and honesty. It’s your choice. If you won’t respect yourself, why should anyone else?
Self-advocacy happens in a series of steps:
1. Know Your Strengths, Know Your Needs
As Aspies, we have some strengths in common. For example, as a group we have great:
• passion for our interests
• compassion
• honesty
• integrity
• loyalty
• logical and analytical thinking
• mechanical abilities
• creative abilities.
We also have some qualities that present specific needs:
We have this quality…
So we often have these needs…
intense focus on a special interest
reminders to ask about others’ interests and not do all the talking
sincere, trusting and loyal
group of trusted NTs who will help us see others’ (less honest) motivations
impulsiveness
strategies to calm ourselves and help us wait before acting or speaking
all-or-nothing thinking
problem-solving techniques, help including others’ ideas
anxiety
coping techniques (like exercise, role-playing social situations, or just knowing who/how to ask for help)
2. Identify Your Goals
You are the main character in your own life story. You are the only one who can set the goals and make them happen. If you want something badly enough, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.
While you might think that your goal is to punch a bully in the face or to somehow get revenge on the mean girls, that’s not true. Well, not really.
Every day in every situation, you will feel better if you:
• stay true to your values
• say what you mean and mean what you say
• learn something new
• are brave and move forward, even when you are afraid
• remember that you cannot be conquered unless you allow it.
So don’t allow it.
Stay focused. What do you really want out of this moment?
Choose one or two SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE goals that are within your control. For example: I want to ask that girl to have coffee. (The goal is asking, not getting a “yes.” You can’t control that.) Or, I want to audition for a play, even though I’ve never acted before. (The goal is having the guts to try out, not to get a part. That’s someone else’s choice.)
Ask for advice. Choose someone you really admire to be a mentor who will help you make your goals crystal-clear.
Then, stay calm. And keep breathing.
3. Know Your Rights, Accept Your Responsibilities
Your rights and responsibilities change from situation to situation.
School
Ask teachers for a grading rubric. This is a visual organizer which explains exactly what is expected of you in order to earn a particular mark (A, B, C, etc.). It’s a way of being sure you know what’s expected of you AND guaranteeing that you get the grade you deserve when you do the work asked of you. As an adult, this is the same type of document that would be considered a legal contract or a job evaluation (your pay depends on those!).
Everywhere
You have the right to expect that other people will:
• be honest with you
• keep their promises
• speak politely to you
• touch you in kind ways, and only if you say it is OK
• apologize when they have done wrong
• speak only truth about you.
However, you should also expect that they won’t always do as they should.
That’s when it’s up to you to communicate—to teach them how to treat you.
4. Communicate to Others
Explain your ideas using three-part “I” statements:
1. “I feel or felt (blank) when you (describe the behavior).”
2. What is the effect on you? Tell how the behavior affects you specifically.
3. “I’d prefer or like (what you want).”
An example would be: “I felt really frustrated when you didn’t buy the supplies for our project like you said you would. I can’t turn in my part of the project on time without those supplies. I’d like for you to come with me
and explain the situation to the teacher tomorrow.”
You may wish to present your ideas in writing. This gives you the chance to think about your particular goals, choose your words carefully, and to be really certain of what you want to say. Read and then reread your writing. Reread it again. Walk away and take a break. Then come back and read it later.
Go to your mentor; check that your words send the same message you have in mind. Be aware that reality isn’t, well, fixed or nailed down. Each person knows and experiences the world through his or her perceptions. Asking your trusted NT (a teacher, a counselor, a parent or friend) to hear or read your ideas is the best way to be sure that your message says what you want it to say.
When you are sure you have all of your facts correct, reach out with kindness and an open mind. Use those active listening skills! Be a wet noodle, open to reasonable compromises.
Stand Up Straight
Fellow Aspies, this is the only life you get. And you’re in charge of it. The hidden rule is that the world will treat you as you allow.
Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” So what will you ask of the world? And HOW will you ask it? Will you be bossy, whiny or angry? Will you give up or give in?
Or will you be confidently, calmly assertive? Heaven knows if I did it, you can, too. Stop. Breathe. Think. Then go out there and make yourself proud of you.
Shine. And don’t let anyone ever stop you.
- 26 -
Talking to Myself
Inner Dialogues and Old Tapes
Need-to-Knows
• Judging your own value by how many people “like” you is a recipe for failure.
• You must be the first to respect yourself.
• Having dignity means that you will NOT cooperate with anything or anyone that humiliates you.
• If you believe you are worthy and strong, you will live up to that truth. If you believe you are unworthy of love or happiness, you will live up to that truth, too.
• NTs say confidence and dignity are the most attractive qualities someone can have.
Asperkid Logic
WOO. Two years ago, I took a personality inventory that was supposed to determine my five greatest natural strengths. Other people were apparently “energizers” and “leaders.” My results said, “WOO.” WOO? What the heck was that supposed to mean?!
“WOO,” apparently, stands for “Winning Other People Over,” and describes people who enjoy the challenge of meeting people and winning new friends. Instead of being afraid of or put off by strangers, we “WOOs” are attracted to the process of collecting names, discovering common interests and—better yet—common acquaintances. Doesn’t sound very Aspie, does it? It can be, though.
“WOOs,” you see, are perfectly happy making a connection and then wrapping it up and moving on to new crowds, new people, and (I would add) new information. It’s not about creating deep friendships but about collecting acquaintances. Understanding people and the patterns that link them, I think, became a bit of my own special interest. In a way, the more I understood of what they did and why they did it, the better I could protect myself BEFORE someone hurt me.
It turned out that I was a WOO after all. It was my defense strategy. My goal often was—often is?—win as many people over to “liking” me as possible. They didn’t have to be my BFFs, as long as they weren’t my enemies, I would be happy.
Except for that is a crazy way to live. You may remember that personal goals have to be things that we can control, otherwise how can we take credit for whether we succeed or fail? If my goal is for a thunderstorm to roll through my street tomorrow night—am I really to blame if it doesn’t? Am I really to be congratulated if it does? Of course not! I can’t control the weather any more than I can control whether people like me. Yes, I can try to be the most pleasant, respectful person I can be, but beyond that, it’s not up to me.
Who Loves You?
Judging your own value by how many people “like” you is a recipe for failure. No matter what you do, no matter how wonderful you are, not all of them will. The quality of friends matters, not the quantity of them. When we, as Aspies, put our own self-worth up for sale in a world that doesn’t even really “get” our basic operating system, we set ourselves up to fail.
Grown-ups tell little children that everyone should be friends with everyone else. That’s not the way it really works, though. Everyone is “supposed” to love each other. But they don’t. Not everyone is going to love me—or you. Sometimes, it’s other kids who give you grief, sometimes it’s an adult—I remember even having a teacher pick on me. Now, if that kind of thing truly doesn’t bother you, then consider yourself truly and hugely blessed.
If, however, you are a little more “WOO-ish,” and spend your energy trying to make everyone like you or (even sadder) to change yourself (your hair, your clothes, your voice, your body, your brains) into what you THINK they’ll like…stop. Now. You’re going to get really tired. You’re going to be used, tricked, and let down. You will feel hollow. And worst of all, you won’t even have the best friend you are supposed to have—yourself. As Judy Garland said, “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else” (Kennedy 1992, p.8).
It’s cheesy but true. The lyrics of the record-breaking song “Greatest Love of All,” written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed and then recorded by Whitney Houston in 1984, say once you learn to love and accept yourself, no one can steal your dignity. Pretty smart stuff for a pop song. After all, it was written by a woman who spent her entire childhood hungry, poor and ridiculed. She knew what she was writing about. So do I. It may sound old and tired—but until YOU like yourself, no one else will like you. You must be the first one to see your own dignity, to respect yourself, if anyone else is to respect and like you, too.
Dignity and Talking to Yourself: Internal Dialogues
Hello, I’m Jenny. I’m a word junkie. So forgive me a moment when I give you the etymology (history) of the word “dignity.” It comes from the Latin word “dignus” which means worthy, and generally means deserving of esteem, praise, honor and respect. “Dignity” signals more, though. It has a feel of nobility, of grace, of confidence. It is part of you. You may be proud of an achievement or of an accomplishment. Well done. But unlike pride, dignity does not balance on one moment or one success. It is not fragile. It cannot be stolen on robbed, it can only be forgotten…by you.
To have dignity means first, that you will NOT cooperate with anything or anyone that humiliates you. Think about that, and read it again:
Having dignity means you will NOT cooperate with anything or anyone that humiliates you.
Do you cooperate—maybe without realizing it—with people who hurt you, or tease you, or leave you out? If you buy the junk bullies say, if you look in the mirror and feed the lies back to yourself, then yes, you do. You are helping those who misunderstand or mistreat you. You are bullying yourself. And there is no dignity in that.
When you think about yourself, what do you think—privately? Are you mean to yourself? Are you kind to yourself? The words you hear are your “internal dialogue,” and you would not believe the power of that conversation. After all, who else is “talking” with you 24/7? Just you. You hear yourself A LOT.
It makes sense, then, that those thoughts you think about yourself are like computer programming codes. They shape your idea of you. If you believe you are worthy and strong, you will live up to that truth. If you believe you are unworthy of love or happiness, you will live up to that truth, too.
Consider your appearance, your school work, your intelligence, your talents, your social life. Do you think: why does everybody hate me? I’m such a geek. I hate my hair. I’m such a loser. That’s negative self-talk. It’s as if you are playing recordings of old insults in your mind, and while you’re at it, you’re convincing yourself that they are true. BUT:
Negative self-talk is
almost always untrue!
Negative self-talk is a big, nasty bunch of misunderstandings, assumptions and exaggerations created by an NT world that doesn’t quite “get” us. Sometimes, we’re echoing back what we’ve heard said aloud. Other times, it’s our own fears holding us back from taking a risk, from trying something new and a little bit scary.
So, if “I can’t” really means “I won’t,” what is it that you won’t do? Take a risk? Try? Face the chance of failing? If you try something new or tough, I can’t promise you won’t make mistakes. But I can promise that if you won’t try, you will never grow beyond who you are right now.
Do you want to help the haters? The bullies? The doubters? I sure don’t.
Catch yourself in the act of negative self-talk. Replace “can’t” with a legitimate “can.” And be on the lookout for black-and-white thinking! (Argh! That again?!?!) Very little in life really is all or nothing, complete success or total failure.
What we need is some positive self-talk—reminding yourself of simple, sincere truths like, “I’m a really loyal friend,” or “I’m reliable and trustworthy.” Positive self-talk can also be a series of “combat thoughts,” positive FACTS that are like antidotes to the negative self-talk poison.
Imagine that your negative talk is like a pothole dug along your path to dignity and self-respect. There you are, walking along, and suddenly, SPLAT! You trip in the hole and fall right on your face. So what do we have to do? We have to fill in the negative space and make your path smooth again. Enter the “counter-thought!”
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules Page 17