That’s why I don’t believe one perspective is better than the other. It’s like looking at a mosaic. Up close (a la Aspie), the tiny tiles are beautiful in themselves. Step back (NT-ish), and the pictures those tiles make all together is amazing. Both ways of seeing are valuable.
Since this book is for us, though, let me tell you what NTs see and how we have to use that “inside information.” The NT world expects us to see the “big picture” and react to it as they would.
Nurse Sharks and Mashed Potatoes
Several years ago, I sat in and listened while my daughter (Aspergirl!) did a listening comprehension test. That day, the speech therapist read aloud a whole paragraph. Nurse sharks, we heard, ate such and such, they lived somewhere, had this particular kind of body shape…and on and on with lots of information about these fish. Then she asked my Aspergirl what the reading had been about. And—with almost perfect recall—this kiddo repeated back the entire paragraph.
She got a perfect score on that test—but she shouldn’t have. It was like hearing a voice recorder playing back what she’d heard, but she never really put the pieces together. She never really did add up those details (or “parts”) to see the “total” topic: nurse sharks.
On another occasion, an Asperkid student of mine took a quiz that involved being able to explain why certain situations were ridiculous. This student was right—it was silly to say that someone had ice-skated across the Atlantic Ocean. She argued it was maybe possible over the Arctic Ocean, but not the Atlantic, which never froze solid. That seemed like a great answer to me. Until the psychologist who’d given the test pointed out that the “silly” part of the question wasn’t which ocean was mentioned, it was that people don’t generally ice-skate across ANY ocean. Oops. Missed that. I was too caught up in the details myself to realize that both the student AND I had overlooked the main point.
You know the expression, “getting right to the heart of the matter?” It means to be able to zero in on the main point someone else wants to communicate. To understand exactly what is most important in their message, putting aside any “extra pieces.” You could say that instead of getting right to the heart of the matter, we Aspies get right to the toenail. A detail or piece catches our attention, and we can’t let go. To us, that “part” of the larger story or idea is what we are meant to take away from the conversation. Except to the NT talking (or writing), we’ve gotten lost on an unimportant detail and missed the point. The result is that the speaker feels unheard (and gets frustrated or sad), or we waste our time and energy on information that wasn’t even important. And that can mess up relationships and school work—fast.
Which brings us back to that Thanksgiving dinner table. It’s a great visual. There’s an endless buffet of splenderific food before us…but we don’t see a feast. We just see the bowl of mashed potatoes. And you’d have to agree, there’s a whole lot more for dinner than mashed potatoes.
Finding the Heart and Not the Toenail
Information is going to be communicated to you in one of two ways: either in writing (so you take it in by reading), or in speech (you take it in by listening).
To get an idea from one person’s head into yours, a lot has to happen. He (1) has to know what he wants to get across, then (2) has to carefully, clearly choose words that match the ideas or feelings he has. Next, you have to listen (3) to what’s being said (hopefully not getting too distracted in the meanwhile), and then interpret the words you’ve heard (4). It’s at least a four-step process, and that’s if nobody gets confused along the way. And even then, you haven’t yet reacted to what’s been said. No wonder this is all so confusing!
So what can you do to find the main idea—the “Thanksgiving feast” or “heart of the matter”?
• When talking with friends or family: use your active listening skills. They will help ensure that what you are understanding matches what the speaker means to get across. Check in along the way.
• Go back and reread “Mirror! Mirror!” (mini-chapter 9) for a refresher. Then practice—often.
• At school: write down whatever comes next when your teacher:
• repeats information
• writes information on the board
• breaks down an idea into steps
• contrasts pros/cons
• sounds louder.
• Listen for Signal Words. These are words or phrases you’ll often hear in school which act like the flashing lights at railroad crossings. They tell you to, “Stop! Look! Listen!” Something important is coming.
Type of Signal Word
Examples
What It Should Do
Introductory
Today, we’ll be talking about…
By the end of today, you should know…
Give you a general idea of the topic
Qualifying
However…
Still…
Although…
Point out exceptions to the usual rule or pattern
Cause/Effect
Because of…(blank)
As a result…
Explain the connection between ideas or events
Compare/Contrast
On the other hand…
Instead…
Likewise…
Yet…
Show the similarities and differences between ideas, events or things
Examples
For example…
For instance…
…such as…
Give illustration; offer details that support or prove the larger point
Repeated or Emphasized
In other words…
Again…
Above all…
Rephrase information and repeat it; this tells you the information is important—may be the main idea!
Test Clues
Remember!
Take note…
You WILL see this again…
This is how teachers make spoken words sound bold to point out possible test questions
Summary
All things considered…
In the end…
Finally…
Wrap up the talk
• When reading (anything!): “Palm Reading” is a technique you can use to help you find the main idea of anything you read. Imagine your hand is the information the other person is trying to communicate. You can even trace your hand on a blank piece of paper so you can actually see what you’re doing. Then, use this “handy dandy” information organizer (sorry, couldn’t help it). Remember: it doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect—this is for your eyes only.
Want to practice “Palm Reading”? Let’s try with my opening paragraph. What word or general subject do you see mentioned over and over? “Thanksgiving.” That’s the topic—the broad theme.
The main idea is the most important point the writer wants to get across—more than anything else. Everything else points to this idea. We put it in “the palm of your hand” to remind you that the main idea is central to the message you’re meant to understand.
If you’re not sure yet about the main idea…look for the “details,” the pieces of information that work together to paint a picture. In this case, notice how there’s a list (with LOTS of adjectives) of all sorts of foods I associate with Thanksgiving. There’s also a mention of the tables, and the courses. Hmmm…so, if the foods (like pies and mashed potatoes and turkey), tables and plates are the details, then…
There it is! The main idea: “the real focus of the day is Thanksgiving Dinner.”
Can we defend that answer? No problem. Our main idea is related to the topic (Thanksgiving), and the small pieces of evidence (the details about the different foods, seating and filling your plate) all support the opinion that the meal is the center of Thanksgiving.
So?
This book isn’t about schoolwork. And we didn’t just spend pages on “main idea” because it’s tested more than any other skill at school (although that is worth noting).
Why? Because you don’t have to agree with other people’s points, arguments or ideas. You have your own voice. Your own opinions and experiences. And you have every right to have them. BUT.
We are entitled to our own opinions, but not our own facts. The NT world will only listen to what you have to say if you can support your ideas with evidence.
How do you do that? By getting the main idea. By taking information in and filtering it through your own mind. Whether you are listening to a song or reading an encyclopedia, you have to accurately get other people’s knowledge into your brain. You have to figure out when they say something important and forget what’s not. You have to think about what you learn, question it, and finally, make up your own mind. That’s why you’re here in the first place.
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Wedgies, Tattletales and Queen Bees
Taking Your Power Back from Bullies
Need-to-Knows
• Aspies are prime targets for bullies because we are different and often defenseless.
• Tattling is meant to get someone in trouble. Telling is meant to get someone help (including yourself).
• You are only in charge of what YOU do. Unless someone could get hurt or is being bullied, don’t be the “police officer.”
• Bullying is about taking your POWER away. Telling is about taking it back.
• Bullying among girls is really complicated. Aspergirls and their families should read Queen Bees and Wannabes to understand the roles girls play in NT cliques.
Asperkid Logic
Let’s cut right to the chase. Happy people don’t need to hurt others. Bullies do. They are not happy people. They’re cowards who prey on people with kind hearts and few defenses. Looking back at my own life, it turns out that every bully I ever knew had a lot of hurt of her own. They each looked for ways to take that pain out on easy targets. Like me. No, I won’t ever excuse them. But I do feel really sorry for them.
I wish I could tell you that bullying ends after junior high or at some magic age. It doesn’t, though. As long as there are sad people, people who are scared by what they don’t understand or jealous of what they don’t have, there will be bullies. And as long as we, Aspies, are different than the “typical” folk (forever), we will get targeted or taken advantage of. Which is why I want you to know what to do about bullies. Now.
Tattling Versus Telling: How to Tell Which is Which
If you’ve ever watched the TV show, Phineas and Ferb (a personal favorite of mine), you know that Candace—the big sister who is intent on busting her younger brothers—is a killjoy. While the boys fill their summer days inventing outrageously fun contraptions (like building the world’s largest bowling ball or tallest zip-line), Candace fills hers figuring out how to get them in trouble.
Is she tattling or telling? No one wants to be called a tattletale, so how do you know the difference? Easy. It comes down to motivation. In other words, what do you want? Do you want to bust someone (a la Candace) or do you really need help? It’s really pretty simple:
Tattling is meant to get someone in trouble.
Telling is meant to get someone help (including yourself!).
However…
Aspie pitfall alert! We like rules—they keep the world feeling more organized. We like for EVERYONE to follow the rules ALL the time. Trouble is, they don’t. And other people don’t want you to tell them how to behave. Even if you don’t mean it that way, when you report peers who are breaking rules but aren’t hurting anyone, they will see you as a tattletale. Remember this: don’t try to control anyone else. You are only in charge of what YOU do. Unless someone could get hurt or is being bullied (see below), don’t be the “police officer.” Let an adult be the authority.
Bullying is about POWER. About getting it and about holding on to it. Telling is about taking back your power. It’s teaching the world how to treat you.
Bullies use power to keep you (and other kids) quiet. Whether it’s the thug dunking heads in the boys’ room or the girl in control of everyone’s party guest lists, bullies depend on bystanders to do nothing. They will call names like “snitch,” or threaten anyone who gets in the middle of things. Most of the time, people will play along. But they shouldn’t. And neither should you. As long as kids don’t know the difference between telling and tattling, or aren’t brave enough to speak up, the bullies get to stay in charge.
So what’s not OK? Bullying includes:
• teasing, name-calling, put-downs
• shoving, punching, wedgies
• threats (of any kind)
• telling lies, secrets or spreading gossip (in person or online)
• stealing your belongings
• exclusion (leaving people out, telling others not to be friends with someone).
Bullying is on purpose.
Bullies do their dirty work where they won’t get caught.
They expect their victim—and other kids watching—to be too intimidated to tell an adult.
Surprise them. Do something.
OK—But What do I do?
Let’s start with what you don’t do. Don’t believe what other people say about you. The people who know the least about you always have the most to say.
And, as one of my favorite Pinterest pins says, “Don’t try to win over the haters. You are not the jerk whisperer.”
Now then, for what you should do. When someone is rude to your face, the best first defense is to stay cool. Their goal is to upset you, so don’t let it show. Look straight at them…hold it (without a reaction)…then look away and continue on with whatever you were doing or saying. You’ve sent the message that you heard but have no intention of dignifying the comment, AND you haven’t done anything to jack up the stakes.
However: if the behavior continues or if you are in physical danger, it’s time to change the power dynamics NOW.
Review your self-advocacy skills (“Standing Up Straight,” mini-chapter 25). Choose an adult you trust, and get some help. Oh—and by the way, the old “ignore them and they will go away” answer doesn’t work. At least not for very long. That’s the line our parents taught us, so an adult may repeat it to you. In that case, ask for another idea (say “Or what else could I try?”) or go to an adult at school.
Above all, remember: this is your world, too. Maya Angelou, the poet, said, “I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” You get to be the hero in your own life story. Now go out and find yourself some justice.
A Little Extra Note, Aspergirl-to-Aspergirl: Cliques and Queen Bees
Bullying among guys is usually a lot easier to see because it’s physical. But you and I both know that female relationships are incredibly complicated. So if we, as Aspergirls, are starting off at a disadvantage socially, the idea of being able to skillfully detect “frenemies” or “cattiness” is just unfair. It’d be like asking a deaf person not only to listen to music, but also to memorize the tune and start playing along. It just isn’t going to happen.
Imagine you were to pick up a novel you’ve never read. Turn to a random page, and get really close, making a telescope out of your fingers so all you could see was a single letter or maybe a word. OK, now: give me a plot summary. What? How are you supposed to tell me what happens if you can’t see anything except the little spot in front of you?!
Exactly. You are too close to the world of BFFs and “break-ups,” the sleepovers and the drama to get a good look at what’s happening around you. I’m over a decade out from teenager-hood, though, and I can see better from here. So I am going to have to ask you to trust me, because, sad as it is, none of this drama goes away when
you turn twenty.
Want my credentials before you trust me? Done. I’m an Aspergirl, like you, and I know what it’s like to desperately want to fit in. I know what it is to try to get your jeans just right (but hate the feel of denim), or to think you’ve made a friend only to turn around and have her making fun of you right behind your back. I have starved myself to fainting, found myself in dangerous circumstances with boys I didn’t trust and have let my entire idea of who I was be decided by other people. I’ve also turned out quite well, thank you. Men seem to think I’m easy on the eyes, and women think I’m fun. Those are very nice compliments. But they don’t define me any more than the insults did long ago. Nope. I’ve finally figured out that I—that WE—aren’t “weird.” We’re eccentric and FABULOUS.
You, my fellow Aspergirls, are not alone. I’m in it alongside you, and am awfully proud to be there. Have faith that what I tell you is my best stuff—the same perspectives I offer my Asper-daughter (she even chooses to listen sometimes). When it comes to figuring out the craziness of girl-world, I want you to find an adult you love. This can be anyone: your mom, your dad, an aunt, a counselor at school, it doesn’t matter. And then, together, I want you to read a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes (by Rosalind Wiseman). There is, I discovered, a whole lot of crazy ridiculousness going on out there in NT Girl World; and we are just not hard-wired to get it.
In Queen Bees and Wannabes, Ms. Wiseman does to girls’ friendships what we did earlier to friendships in general; she sorts out the levels and the “roles” that girls fall into. I cannot tell you how desperately I would have loved to have read this as a young Aspergirl. Yes, I knew there were “leaders” among the girls. I can even remember one girl who literally would lean her elbow on other girls’ shoulders, as if they were objects, not people. It was humiliating, really. And yet, girls felt proud when she “used” them. But beyond identifying the “leader,” I couldn’t see any rhyme or reason. Maybe it’s the same for you.
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules Page 20