She smiled and wriggled her tum up against a grateful Mr Knobby.
‘So don’t you care what people think?’ he asked her.
‘Of course I do. I hate it. Of course I hate it. What did you think, that I was a fat jolly person?’
‘No, no, not that. You always seemed so – I dunno. Well adjusted.’
‘The way people look at me. All those jokes.’
He blushed. Did she know?
‘The way no one wants to dance with me at school dances.’
‘I danced with you.’
‘You’re different.’
‘Ben danced with you.’
‘He’s nice.’
‘Everyone likes you,’ he reminded her.
‘Who wants to be nice?’ asked Deborah. ‘Everyone likes me, but no one fancies me. Well,’ she amended, ‘that’s not actually true. Outside school loads of people do. It’s just you lot.’ She looked Jonathon in the eye. ‘And I don’t care about any of them, actually. It’s just you. I like you a lot.’
Jonathon smiled grimly. ‘I like you,’ he said. He was relieved to be able to say something true.
‘So,’ she said. ‘What do you say?’
He just stood there. He had no idea what to say and no idea what he felt, except for this: he felt confused and scared.
‘You don’t have to make up your mind now,’ she said. She took his hand again and looked sadly at him.
‘Is that all right?’ he asked.
‘It’s OK. It’s just that it would have been nice if you wanted to straight away. But you can have a few days,’ she said. ‘Come on … I’ll buy you an ice cream.’
She led the way across the park to where the ice-cream van waited underneath the poplar trees on the road outside. Jonathon tried to pay but she wouldn’t let him. She smiled at him as they waited to be served. The ice cream came down in swirls onto their cones.
‘Looks like a dog shitting,’ he said.
Deborah howled. ‘What are you like!’ she screamed. It was great. She even liked his awful shit jokes.
They walked back into the park and sat on a bench, side by side, licking their ices. After the cones had gone, she stood up and brushed down her jeans. ‘You’ll have to let me know by the weekend,’ she told him.
‘Yes’m.’
‘Kiss me again,’ she commanded.
Obediently, Jonathon walked forward to kiss and be kissed. He felt so helpless. Once again, up came Mr Red Cap. Deborah reached down and held him in her hand. She drew back and looked closely up into his face. He was so horned up he could hardly focus. He heard her speak in a kind of dream.
‘You make me so horny,’ she was saying.
‘What?’
‘I want to be your lover. I want to do it with you – I want to do everything,’ she said again. Then she let him go. She walked away, glancing over her shoulder at him without smiling.
Jonathon’s penis had reached an ebony-like degree of hardness that was positively uncomfortable. It felt as if someone had injected a litre of testosterone directly into it. He staggered around the bench, concussed by desire.
‘You traitorous bastard,’ he told Mr Knobby, but he wanted to shake hands so much that he had to walk swiftly home to relieve himself of the pressure. How could someone he didn’t fancy turn him on so much? Was it possible? He was ravaged by hormones. He seemed to be bobbing upside down in them, just one more ingredient in a thick soup of lust. At home, he had to see to Mr Knobby three times, one after the other. Afterwards, he lay back and gazed at the fatal organ.
‘You don’t know when to start and you don’t know when to stop,’ he said severely.
Mr Knobby grinned back. ‘Who cares about all that?’ he said. ‘You heard what she said.’
‘She said, Everything. She wants to do everything.’
‘And you know what they say.’
‘Fat Girls Are Grateful For It,’ said Jonathon dutifully. ‘Fat Girls Will Do Anything.’
‘It’s the chance of a lifetime,’ said Mr Knobby Knobster.
19
sue
That’s Jackie’s big problem: she has to be right. If you disagree with her it’s like some big insult. She goes on about it for hours and hours and in the end I just say, OK, OK. You’re right, I’m wrong, but I don’t care, I’m gonna do it/wear it/try it anyhow. What’s wrong with being wrong? You get more done.
You’d have thought she had it all going for her. That’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it? Be sensible, work hard, plan ahead and there it all is – good grades, good job, good kids, good husband. And then – Dino! What’s that all about? All those years of getting it right, and then what? I mean, be irresponsible if you have to. But Dino?!
After the party, I thought even she’d be able to see what was going on. If she wanted any more proof that deep down inside she really did NOT want to sleep with him, then running away from his bed at two o’clock in the morning had to be it. I got her round to my place, sat her down in the lounge, told my mum we needed some space, and had another go.
I did it very carefully, very simply. Emotions by numbers. I pointed out all the things that mattered to her which her relationship with Dino was screwing up. Her work was suffering. She hates that. Jackie is the original top girl. She was making a fool of herself. Horrible! She was losing her self-confidence. That made her wince. She always used to be in charge; now she was like a puppet on a string. And finally – and this was the so-so clever bit, see – I told her she was using Dino.
She looked like I’d just slapped her round the face. See, Jackie’s not only sensible – she’s nice.
‘Dino’s a boy,’ I explained to her. She seemed to have forgotten this vital fact. Some people do. They think boys are like girls with knobs on. They’re not.
‘So what?’ she asked belligerently.
‘He wants a shag, right? But it’s more than that. His feelings are all contained in the end of his knob. Try and imagine that that’s where his heart is. Well, Dino wants to give you his heart.’
She scowled suspiciously, but I ploughed on.
‘All this leading him on, Jackie – it’s not fair. You’re not just stopping him having a shag, you’re rejecting him. How do you think that makes him feel?’
She didn’t like that. ‘Why all this concern for Dino suddenly?’ she snapped.
‘I don’t give a shit about Dino, but since you can’t do anything for yourself, maybe you can do it for him.’
‘You want me to chuck Dino for his sake?’
‘No, listen. The thing is, we’ve been talking about Dino as if he’s just a selfish lump of meat who wants a shag. But it’s more than that. He cares for you. You can’t just treat him like he can turn it on and off like some sort of switch.’
‘You’ve changed your tune,’ she told me. ‘According to you, Dino’s never given a shit about any living thing except himself.’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe he’s human after all.’
For a second I thought I’d gone too far, but she seemed to be prepared to believe anything. She began to nod slowly.
‘So what you have to do, right? – is just deal with him straight. You have to try being honest with him.’ I could see her bristle at that, but it was true. ‘It’s obvious you’re not ready to sleep with him. Right? So, put it to him. Be truthful. Tell him, you want to go out with him – but no sex.’
‘But that’s what I’ve been doing!’
‘No, you haven’t. You’ve been going to have sex. That’s different. It’s been sex tomorrow, sex next week. You’ve been holding out jam for him. It’s time to put the jam away.’
Jackie thought about it.
‘He’ll chuck me,’ she said.
‘You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to him,’ I said. ‘I mean, say yes or no, Jackie, but not like this, it’s not fair.’
Just for a second I thought she was going to tell me to piss off, but suddenly she started to weep instead. It was amazing, actually. You know how plans
like that, they never work? And here was this one all falling into place – it was like magic. For once in my life I must have got it right. Or maybe Jackie was just desperate for a way out.
I went over to give her a hug and she sniffed onto my shoulder. ‘You’re right,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘I have to be straight with him. I have to tell him. No sex.’
And I thought, Yes! Got her! That was it. No way was Dino going to go along with that.
20
ben
You know what heaven is? I’ll tell you. You’re lying across a big soft, king-size bed, so big you can stretch out in any direction without going over the edge. Everything’s warm – the air’s warm, your skin’s warm, the sheets are warm and all rumpled up. There’s an ice-cold beer on the bedside table and a packet of chocolate-covered raisins on the sheet next to you. There’s a good film on the telly. Then the door opens and Ali Young comes in with a bowl of Frosties, stark naked except for a pair of white socks. You watch her tits jiggle as she comes across the room.
‘Are you looking at my tits?’ she says, and you say,
‘Yes, miss.’
She puts the Frosties on the bed next to you, puts the backs of her hands underneath them and jiggles up and down. ‘Jiggly-jiggly-jig-jig-jig,’ she says, and then she bends over so they hang in your face like … well. Like a beautiful pair of tits.
‘Mmmmnuh,’ I say. And that’s what heaven is.
‘What?’ she says.
‘Just gorgeous,’ I reply.
It was the week after Dino’s party. She’d just about recovered from her mother and things were back to normal. Sometimes on a Tuesday evening she wants to grind her way around the sitting room – on the floor, on the table, you name it. Which is great, of course. But the thing I really like is just rolling about in her big bed, me on top, her on top, me behind. And then afterwards all shagged out with nothing on, titbits being carried to and fro, ready to start again any time you feel like it. It’s the best thing.
Ali got into bed next to me and looked at the TV. It was a good movie – Doubles – but there were plenty more interesting things to do than watch a movie. I smiled fondly at her tits again and waited for her to look across and spot me doing it.
‘One, two, one two,’ she said, wiggling her chest.
‘Yum yum yum,’ I said. I leaned over and kissed them, and sighed happily.
‘Stay over,’ she said.
‘If only,’ I said, holding my head in my hand. In another hour or so I’d have to go back to parentland and sleep in my own narrow little bed, in my narrow little room, in a house full of people who felt like strangers just at that moment.
‘Don’t, then.’
‘I’ve got to.’
‘Why?’
‘They expect me. You know?’
‘Ring ’em up. Tell them you want to stay over with a friend.’
‘They know all my friends. They’ll want the number. They might ring back. Anyway, I never stay over on schooldays.’
‘Ah, poor thing!’ She smiled at me, a bit grimly I thought. ‘Has iddle oodams got to be home on time, den? Come on, Ben, you’re seventeen, they don’t have to know where you are every second of the day.’
‘Get off …’ I muttered. I hate it when she comes on like that. It’s bad enough as it is.
‘Just ring them up and say. Tell them it’s a new boy at school. Tell them it’s a new girl!’ She smiled at me. ‘Are you allowed to have sex? Perhaps I should send a parental consent form home for you.’
‘Don’t be daft. Let’s watch the movie.’
I could feel her looking at me, deciding whether or not to carry on with it. Just a moment ago it was drop-dead certain that I was going back in an hour or so, and now suddenly everything was all slippery. I felt like I was being dishonest in some way. She does that. She whips the ground from under your feet and you don’t even know why.
And – well, let’s be honest about it. I wanted to go home afterwards. I didn’t want to spend the night in her bed. It made me feel uncomfortable.
‘We should do this more often,’ she said, snuggling down and holding onto my arm.
‘Mmm.’ I draped my arm over her shoulders.
‘What about Thursdays?’
‘Thursdays?’
‘Why not? If you can’t stay over?’
Maybe but … I didn’t want to do that either. I suppose it sounds stupid. One minute it’s heaven and the next I want to go back home to Mum and Dad. Maybe you think I was being a bastard, but it’s an edgy business, having it off with Miss. I suppose I just wanted to keep it at arm’s length. I lay there for a bit trying to think of a good reason not to come on Thursdays. I have footie practice, there’s a good programme on TV, I have to stay in and do homework. No no no no.
‘Can’t really get away.’
‘Why not?’
‘They’re always on at me. I’m always out. I’m out tonight, I’m out seeing me mates tomorrow, I’m out with you on Sundays. You know.’
There was a silence.
‘I feel as though I’m having to beg,’ she said at last.
It was new, all this. So far she’d been very keen about keeping it down to a couple of times a week, not seeing too much of one another. She could lose her job – in fact, she could lose her whole career if anyone ever found out about it. No one’d ever give her a job in teaching again if they knew she shagged the students.
Shagging the students. I used to say that to her but it always made her cross.
‘I shag you,’ she said. ‘Just one, Ben, in case you thought I was having it off with the rest of the year. I’m not, for your information.’
‘Sorry, Miss.’
But. So why the change?
‘What’s this about?’ I asked her.
‘What’s what about?’
‘You wanting to start seeing more of me?’
‘I’m just trying to find a way of doing this more often,’ she said, all huffy.
‘Really?’
‘You’re so paranoid!’
‘You just sound … I mean I thought we’d agreed it was the right thing to be careful and not see too much of each other.’
‘Just because I like the idea of another evening?’
‘Sorry,’ I said.
‘You’re so paranoid.’
I looked at her. ‘Well, you know, I’d love to do it more often, but it’s really awkward.’
‘Why?’
‘It just is. At home. Getting out. You know? It’s not that they don’t let me, but it’s just difficult. I have to talk to them and tell them what I’m up to. It’s just awkward. Like having an affair, I suppose,’ I said.
That seemed to make sense to her. She nodded and pulled a face. ‘I suppose. We’ll have to try and think of something.’
I didn’t say anything. I sat up and picked up the Frosties and tried to watch the film. I was scared she was going to go all hurt, but it was OK. I drank the beer, watched the movie and we had a lovely big snog on the doorstep before I went home. Delicious. Going home afterwards was fairly delicious too.
21
six inches away from home
‘Are you sure you’re prepared to go through with this?’ asked Sue.
‘Go through it again.’
‘You’re very fond of him.’
‘Right.’
‘But for some reason’ – Sue sighed impatiently – ‘you can’t bring yourself to sleep with him.’
‘But I still want to go out with him.’
‘Yes, but with no sex.’
‘For now.’
‘No, not for now! That sounds like maybe next week, same as usual. You don’t want to even consider sex for the foreseeable future.’
‘He’ll chuck me!’ wailed Jackie.
That’s the plan, isn’t it? hissed her friend silently to herself, but what she actually said was, ‘Well, maybe, maybe not, who knows? Maybe it’s like you say, he’s more decent than you think. But if he loses interest
just because of that, you don’t want him. Right?’
Jackie pulled a face but she knew it was right. She couldn’t keep on making promises about a sex life which, when it came down to it, she was unable to participate in.
‘Either he’s prepared to put up with it or he isn’t. If he wants you for yourself, he’ll say yes. And if he doesn’t, that’s that. And then perhaps we can stop having this conversation, and talk about something interesting. Like me, for instance,’ she added hopefully.
Jackie rehearsed her lines, did her make-up, wept and did her make-up again. Sue soothed her and patted her and plied her with tissues and told her to be strong. She was fairly certain Dino would chuck her. It wouldn’t last, of course, they’d be an item again within the week, but at least Jackie would gain a few Dino-free days. In the event, she didn’t even manage that. At the time it was a complete surprise to Jackie the way things turned out and it was only in retrospect that she realised what a typically Dinoesque situation it was, the way he sidestepped her plans so effortlessly and manipulated her so blatantly, like a man working a complicated marionette puppet with one hand, while his real attention was taken up flicking through the TV channels with the other.
It started out so well. Her parents were out late that evening. Dino came round as arranged and they had a couple of hours ahead if necessary, although she wasn’t expecting it to take anything like that long. She made him a cup of coffee and got straight on with it. She was very very fond of him but she didn’t somehow feel confident enough of their relationship to sleep with him. Sleeping with someone, she explained, was a very special thing, a very close thing, a very intimate thing. Of course, she fancied him something chronic, she couldn’t keep her hands off him; but something was holding her back. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she had decided that she had to respect it and she wanted Dino to respect it too.
‘Yeah. I think you’re right,’ said Dino.
‘Pardon?’
‘Right, I agree with you.’
‘You agree?’
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