Siren's Song

by Kaye Draper

  Matheus picked up a mug and tilted it to read the side. Greetings from Dover. A little stuffed flamingo with an outline of Florida on its belly fell out of the cup. “No fucking way,” he said, looking up at the rest of them.

  “Do you think he really did it?” Grey asked, softly.

  Luca shook his head. “No.” He gestured at the tourist crap from the mainland. “He probably got it all online. He’s just being a dickhead.”

  Grey raised an eyebrow at Luca’s language. The guy didn’t usually cuss half as much as Grey did. Steffen was really getting to him.

  Once the other guys had wandered off to bed, Grey sank down onto the couch next to Luca. “I don’t think he’s lying,” he said quietly.

  Luca looked up at him, his expression guarded. “No?”

  Grey shook his head. “No. He’s been to the mainland. Somehow he got off this stinking rock and all the way to the mainland when thousands of other people couldn’t.”

  Luca set down the magazine he’d been flipping through. “You think there’s some explanation for how he could do that?” His dark eyes held a meaning Grey didn’t want to delve into.

  Grey shrugged, pretending he hadn’t understood that look. “Damned if I know.”

  *****

  A week later, the band got a letter addressed to Lucifer through Island records. It included a CD. Steffen was on the mainland.

  They stood around and listened to the solo track, released just days before, and already making its way onto the charts. “God, that’s amazing,” Ethan breathed.

  Matheus frowned. “No way that’s Steff. They had to dub his voice. It’s never been that good.”

  Grey met Luca’s eyes across the room. Steffen had managed to make it to the mainland, apparently several times. And suddenly he sang like an angel. Grey didn’t know what the hell was going on, but he had a really bad feeling in his gut.

  Chapter 34

  The next few weeks were a flurry of physical and online shows, as George helped them promote their album release. The craziness almost managed to distract Grey from his suspicions about his mother and the niggling sense that something just wasn’t right.

  After their last show, Grey found himself dragged along with the rest of the band for a night out as they took advantage of their own growing fame, just like a normal bunch of up-and-coming twenty-something rock stars.

  Matheus and Ethan had started a corkboard ode to their manly prowess on the townhouse’s living room wall. It was littered with scraps of paper containing phone numbers, all helpfully labeled with stunning descriptors like “DD red halter top,” or “easy blond mini skirt.” Grey had tried, unsuccessfully, to avoid being pulled into the discussion of whether they should call “librarian glasses with the rack,” or “bleach blond and her sorority,” to accompany them tonight. Playing the gay card had gotten him nowhere. Ethan had simply reminded him that there were going to be plenty of guys at the bar too.

  In the end, the blond with the sorority won out. Grey had argued feebly that he really should stay in and study. But then he’d noticed Luca’s bland acceptance of his bandmates’ idiocy and anger had gotten the best of him. Luca had avoided Grey’s few awkward attempts to talk about the whole kiss thing, and now he was apparently fine with hanging out with a bunch of groupies. Fine. Grey could play that game too.

  Luca put a hand on Grey's shoulder as they were about to leave, keeping him back from the other guys. “Grey,” he said, apology written in every line of his beautiful face. “Look, I’m sorry about the other day, okay? I don’t know what came over me.”

  Grey glared up at Luca. He had wanted an apology, hadn’t he? So why was he so pissed now? He hated that he couldn’t control himself, and the words were out before he even thought to try. “I know, it was ‘just curiosity,’ right? You know I like men, so I must go around kissing guys whenever I feel like it, just for kicks.” He poked Luca in the chest. “Is that what you were going to say? Save your breath! I get it. I kissed you. You were too nice to punch me in the face like most hetero guys probably would. But clearly you thought it was disgusting. Moving on.”

  Anger flared up behind Luca’s blue eyes. “That’s not what I meant at all,” he insisted, grabbing Grey’s arm to prevent him from following Ethan and Matheus out the door. “How can you think I would…that’s just insulting!”

  His grip on Grey’s arm was becoming painful, but Grey refused to let Luca know that. “As insulting as you acting interested, then pretending it never happened?”

  Luca’s voice softened. “I’m sorry. There are things I haven’t had a chance to tell you. I just…I don’t like men. I mean, I never have before. But you…I’m…hell, I’m confused, okay, Grey? I don’t know what I should do. Whenever I look at you, whenever I hear your voice, everything just turns into chaos in my head.”

  Grey jerked his arm away. His chest hurt and his blood pressure was rising by the second. “Sorry. Let me make it less confusing for you. Stick to women!” He spun and strode to the car, his heart pounding. Luca’s indecision stung, especially now that Grey was starting to accept his own feelings. But what hurt most was seeing the idiot so lost and hurt. It would be easier for Luca if he just found a groupie to plow and got over it, so he could go back to heterosexual life as usual and forget all about Grey and his stupid issues.

  Chapter 35

  The girls crowded into the booth with the band, giggling and chattering a million miles a minute. Ethan was grinning ear to ear and Matheus wore a sly, cat-like expression.

  Grey’s eyes met Luca’s across the table and the guitarist arched a dark brow. A buxom blond cozied up to his side and he threw a long arm around her shoulders. His eyes were still on Grey, like he was saying “Is this what you wanted?”

  The waiter came to the table and Ethan ordered a picture of beer. Grey added a double shot of vodka. It was going to be a long night. The girl next to him put her hand on his knee. “Are you even old enough to drink?” she teased.

  She gave Grey a flirty look that said she didn’t mind his boyish looks. Grey could feel Luca’s eyes on him. And he was pissed. He turned to the girl with a mischievous look. “I’m plenty old enough.”

  Grey took her hand where it lay on his leg, meaning to slip his fingers through hers and continue flirting. But he saw blondie lean into Luca, revealing a cavern of cleavage as she looked up at him with a hungry gaze. Suddenly, Grey just wasn’t in the mood to deal with this crap anymore. He dropped his companion’s hand and took his shot off the waiter’s tray, downing it without thought. Grey reminded himself that he had no reason to be pissed, no reason for this jealousy that pulsed in his blood. He felt dizzy, and there was a rushing sound in his ears.

  Grey downed his mug of beer and excused himself. He stumbled toward the bathroom—anything to escape this nightmare. He rounded the corner into the narrow, dimly lit hall that housed the restrooms and braced himself against the wall. His head was spinning, and his chest ached. His ears were ringing with that stupid white noise that sounded like ocean waves. Why couldn’t he just be a real guy? Why did all of these weak thoughts and emotions have to cling to him, even now?

  A pair of big hands appeared on the wall on either side of his own. Grey spun unsteadily, but he was trapped, pinned to the wall by the taller man.

  Luca’s dark blue eyes burned into his. “Enjoying yourself?” Luca’s typically gentle, deep voice carried a sharp edge Grey had never heard. Grey averted his eyes, unable to withstand the intensity in that gaze.

  “Go find your little Barbie doll to play with. I’m sick of you,” Grey whispered. Sick of worrying about him. Sick of questioning himself and struggling to stay in the prison he’d built. Luca made it hard to keep up the act of being male.

  Luca tensed at Grey’s words, then pressed the smaller man closer to the wall. "Then why do you keep calling me to you, damn it?" His breath smelled like limes, and Grey realized belatedly that he wasn’t the only one who was more than a little drunk.

 
When Grey turned his head away, Luca bent to nuzzle his neck. His hot breath sent a shiver through Grey and raised goose bumps on his arms. Grey's hands rose to Luca’s chest, intending to push him away, but his traitorous fingers fisted in his soft t-shirt and tugged him closer instead. Grey’s body throbbed, and his eyes slipped closed. It was all too much. He couldn’t fight it anymore. It didn’t matter if he was a man or a woman. Straight, or gay, or what the fuck ever he was, he wanted Luca. And, selfish as it was, he wanted Luca to want him too, no matter what that did to Luca’s world.

  Teeth grazed his earlobe and Grey’s eyes flew open. He stiffened, a moan frozen on his lips. Mat stood behind them, his hazel eyes gone wide and his red-brown skin a little flushed. Grey straightened, and Luca turned slightly to see what he was looking at.

  Matheus raised an eyebrow, his face carefully blank. “You okay there, Grey?”

  Grey closed his eyes as the room spun. Luca slipped an arm under Grey's and around his back. “He’s not feeling too great.” Luca chuckled, pretending they hadn't just been caught about to fuck in the hallway. “The kid’s a cheap drunk.”

  Mat looked angry for a second, the serious expression startling on his playboy face. “Grey?”

  Grey was drunk as shit, but he still heard what Matheus was asking, loud and clear. He was asking if Grey was safe. Grey’s heart lurched at the idea that Matheus had immediately thought to ask if Grey was being taken advantage of—even if it was Luca with him.

  Luca didn’t say anything to defend himself. He just accepted the question as calmly as he accepted everything else that came his way. Like it was just normal to ask your guy friends if they were consenting to the make-out session you’d just sort of witnessed.

  Hell. They were both good people, weren’t they? It almost made him tear up, but Grey managed to man up and give Mat a short, tense nod.

  Matheus forced a laugh. “Alright. Come on, lightweight, we’ll get you to the car.” He slipped an arm around Grey’s other side and they stumbled out of the bar. Seagulls wheeled in the sky overhead in a screeching cyclone. Grey's eyes followed their dizzy circles, wondering if it was a sign that the world was falling apart. They all flinched, Matheus nearly dropping Grey, when one of the heavy gray and white bodies bounced off the window beside them with an echoing thud. The dazed seagull waddled an uneven path away from the bar.

  “I know exactly how ya feel, buddy,” Grey mumbled, his head and the rest of him pulsing in time with his heartbeat.

  Chapter 36

  Grey woke the next morning with a raging headache and a firm conviction that he had to do something about the Luca issue before it made them both insane. God, he should probably talk to Mat too, just in case he’d fucked up something there too. His phone chimed a reminder and he grabbed it from the nightstand, cursing when he saw the calendar reminder for his clinic appointment. He scrubbed a hand over his face and heaved himself to his feet.

  The chilly walk to the clinic woke Grey up and helped fuel his cold resolve. If he was trapped in a guy’s body, then he needed to learn to act like a normal guy. Sure, guys could be gay. But this was different. Somehow. He needed to just fucking fit in. And being a gay guy wouldn’t help him fit in any better than clinging to the fact that he was a woman trapped in a man’s body.

  He still wasn’t thinking clearly. But clear-headedness seemed impossible, with the constant noise in his head these days, the clawing desperation, the fucking longing for something he couldn’t even explain.

  He studied Joy’s golden head as she scribbled away on her notepad. The clinic was pretty deserted today. It was just them and a couple of office staff. She set her notepad down and rubbed her hands together to warm them up. “Sorry,” she said with a wry grin. “My hands are freezing.”

  They didn’t feel cold to Grey. He lay back, used to the routine by now, and she ran her hands over his abdomen. She pressed here and there, looking for tenderness. Then he sat back up and she held out his shirt. He had long ago done away with the formality of putting on one of those silly hospital gowns.

  “Still perfectly normal,” Joy declared.

  Yeah normal. Grey wanted to laugh. He didn’t miss how her eyes flitted over his torso. A hint of pink darkened her cheeks. Joy was always professional, and she kept their unprofessional moments to friendship. But Grey knew how other women reacted to him. He knew he was a pretty guy. He also knew Joy wasn’t a prude. And who better to experiment with, than someone who already knew his weird body?

  Grey took his shirt with one hand and grabbed Joy's wrist with the other. Her brown eyes widened in surprise. He tugged her closer. “Hey, Joy,” he whispered, placing her hand on his chest. “It’s okay…if you want to do more research today?” He dropped his shirt to the side. He had noticed the way she looked at him for a while now. Joy thought he was hot, despite the fact that he used to be a girl. Grey was done being confused. He was a man. Plain and simple. Time to start acting that way. He could blot out all of his other unpleasant feelings. He could fit into the mold where he belonged. God, he was so sick of being abnormal, so sick of all the noise in his head and chaos in his body.

  Joy’s eyes met his then darted away, but he could see the desire there. “I can’t. Grey, this is a doctor’s office for God’s sake!”

  He caught her other hand and pulled it in to rest beside its companion. “Don’t bring Him into it.”

  Joy gave a nervous laugh. But Grey could feel it. Even without any experience with women, somehow, he knew that she was attracted to him. He remembered his Dad’s words. It was time for him to stop being delusional. Things would never work out with a man. Everything with Luca and the band was a mess. But that didn’t mean Grey had to be alone. Maybe he could choose something different.

  Joy’s delicate hands slid down, skimming over his chest and stomach. He slipped his hands through her soft hair and tilted her head back. He could do this. He knew exactly what would feel good for her. He pulled her closer, so she stood between his legs. Then Grey leaned in and swept kisses from her shoulder up her neck, pausing to catch her earlobe between his teeth. Her fingers curled inward against his skin and she trembled.

  “Grey,” she said, a little breathless from the idea of doing this here, where they could get caught. “Are you sure…? What’s with you today?”

  He huffed a bitter laugh, then met her wide, warm eyes. “I just want to know. Consider it a…scientific experiment.” He pulled her closer and kissed her. Her lips were so soft. They moved eagerly enough beneath his own and he could feel her let go of her reservations. She returned the kiss, moving closer, hindered by the table.

  It was pleasant, but there was none of the electricity he had felt with Luca, none of the desperate yearning he’d had in daydreams about the other guys. No. Grey pushed the thought from his mind. He could do this. He could be normal.

  He skimmed his hands over Joy's body, moving backward as she put a knee up on the table. Her questing hands moved lower and he lay back. She grasped him firmly thorough his pants, rubbing and teasing, clearly more than willing to go along with Grey’s crazy whim. Grey tried to keep the images of a certain blue-eyed man out of his head.

  Angry at himself for thinking of Luca, he pulled Joy onto the table. Her breasts felt strange in his hands, full and round, jutting insistently against him as he stroked his fingers over them. Joy was a beautiful woman.

  And it wasn’t doing a damned thing for him.

  Grey changed his approach, finding her lips again. His eyes slipped closed as she unzipped his pants. She sighed against his lips as she grasped him. Grey knew what she must be thinking—what he’d be thinking in her place—how great that would feel inside her. The Cosmic Joke was finally about to be put to good use. His hands moved lower, but he hesitated.

  Joy pulled back, her breathing a little strained, and her cheeks flushed. “Grey?”

  Grey closed his eyes. “Damn it.” He couldn’t do this.

  “Yeah. I figured,” Joy said, a hint of humor in
her voice.

  They sat up over the edge of the table. Joy sounded a bit disappointed as she righted her clothes and smoothed her hair, but not nearly as angry as Grey had expected. She sighed. “Grey. You don’t like women. Your tastes didn’t change just because your appearance did.”

  Grey put his head in his hands, embarrassed and pissed-off. He couldn’t be himself. But apparently, he couldn’t just escape and be someone else either. Joy patted his back sympathetically. “Well, now you know for sure, right? You did say it was a scientific experiment. Part of experimenting is failing.”

  He glanced at her. “You’re not the least bit upset, are you?”

  She smiled and gave a lopsided shrug. “Well…I know you don’t love me. But we are good friends and….” She colored and glanced at his lap and away. “I know I would have had fun, so where’s the harm?”

  Grey laughed. She’d done his physical exam lots of times. She knew all about The Cosmic Joke. “Sorry.” He shook his head. “Would have been nice to put the damned thing to good use.”

  Joy snorted with laughter. “Ah, well.” She grinned.

  Grey slipped his shirt on and zipped up his pants, hiding the subject of conversation, while Joy buttoned up her top. “You’re a terribly unethical doctor,” Grey said calmly. “And I don’t think I care for your scientific methods.”

  She elbowed him and slid off the exam table. “Shut up.”

  Grey’s walk home was even more miserable than his walk to the clinic had been. He was a bundle of pissed off, sexually frustrated she-man. He was not in the mood to talk to Luca. So of course that's who he ran into, literally, as he rounded the corner at the end of his street.

  Luca’s hands went to Grey's shoulders to keep him from falling, and his lean face broke into a smile when he realized who he’d run down. “Grey! I was just looking for you.”