by Sara Miller
Cade took the moment to pull Leah in close for a kiss before he spoke.
“You were great with him. I told you he’d love you.”
“Thanks, he’s an awesome kid. You did a great job.”
“Yeah, well, truth is I haven’t always been the best dad.” He ran his hand over his head, then across the back of his neck. “I should probably tell you about it sometime. But you—” He changed the subject, “You’re a natural. You’ve always been great with kids. Why don’t you have any?”
Leah’s body stiffened and she knew he felt it. She opened her mouth and no words came out. She probably looked like a fish as she opened and closed her mouth. She summoned her inner strength and raised her chin. “I have things I should probably tell you too . . .” Still unsure how much she should disclose.
Liam returned, crawling directly onto her lap, sparing her from saying anything more. She settled the blanket over them and gave him a little squeeze.
“I like you, Miss Leah.”
“I like you too, Liam.”
“Dad, can we keep her?” he asked with a yawn.
“Ten minutes bud, then it’s bedtime,” Cade deflected.
She felt a tiny nod as Liam fell silent. Five minutes later, the warm little bundle in her arms felt heavy and limp. She purposely didn’t say anything and let time pass as she enjoyed the movie. She wanted as many minutes of perfection as she would be granted. How many years had she yearned for this exact thing? A little boy in her arms and heart with a much bigger boy’s arm around her, holding her close. This was the life she wanted. Leah sighed. If only it was more than a dream.
“You okay?” Cade’s voice was gentle. “I think he’s asleep.” He removed his arm so he could turn and check on his son. Carefully he scooped the boy out of her arms and carried him away. Leah sighed again.
Alone in Cade’s living room, she swiped at a stray tear that slipped past her guard. Without the added warmth of their bodies, Leah pulled the afghan more tightly around her. It was no use, a chill had seeped in.
Chapter 6
“So cold . . .” she mumbled.
“Well, maybe you should have put on clothes before you decided to pass out and sleep for twelve hours straight, babe.”
Leah did not have to open her eyes to know where she was or who was speaking. She felt her husband’s long wiry body stretched out next to her in their bed. Eric’s hand rested on her ribcage. Her breath caught and she tried to subtly twist away but he grabbed her and held her to him.
“You know, a guy could get the wrong idea coming home to a naked woman in his bed. If I didn’t know better . . .” his voice trailed off bitterly. He released her. “It’s not worth the bother.”
She opened her eyes and peered at her husband. The little bit of moonlight coming in cast dark shadows over his face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“God, Leah. Don’t act like you don’t know. Sex has turned into a chore with you.” His tone abruptly changed and he spoke softly and calmly, “And before you start screaming at me, hear me out.” After waiving the equivalent of a red flag in her face, he was trying to placate her. She sat up, pulling the blanket with her.
“I just slept for how long and the first thing out of your mouth is to gripe about our sex life? You aren’t even going to ask if I’m okay?”
He sat up too. After flicking on his reading lamp, he looked at her accusingly.
“Oh come on, babe. You slept so long because you haven’t slept in days. I’m not an idiot. I know you’ve been avoiding me. I just don’t know what it is you think you have to be upset about!”
“What? I haven’t been . . . oh.” When he put it like that, she could see his point. “It’s not what you think.”
“Really? Then what is it?” He crossed his arms over his chest and waited.
“I can’t.” She couldn’t explain the dreams. Not even if she tried. She’d never been able to explain them.
“I know you can’t, Leah. But why does every damn thing have to be about you not being able to get pregnant?!”
Leah froze. Her husband’s words, so harsh and unexpected, chilled her even further. She did not know how to respond. When she felt herself start to shake, she spoke.
“Hand me my nightgown, please.” She pointed across the room where it hung on a hook behind the door. At first, it looked like Eric would not comply. “I’m cold and I’m not having this conversation naked.”
Eric crossed the room and retrieved the gown. He brought it back and held it out to her, not getting back into bed. She took it, slipped on the gown and pulled the covers around her. Leah did not know what to say. She watched as Eric raked a hand through his jet black hair. It was always perfectly cut. He stood tall and proud, as handsome and formidable as ever.
“It’s all this baby stuff. When are you gonna let it go?” His hands on his hips, demanding an answer.
“Baby stuff,” she repeated. “Let it go?” She blinked at her husband. Suddenly unprepared to have this long overdue conversation.
“You’ve tried everything. You are obsessed. There’s no pleasure in sex anymore. And you only wanna do it if you’re ovulating! It’s so forced. You’ve been acting so weird. Is that really all you care about? Do you even love me?”
“I . . .” A few weeks ago, she would have immediately said she loved him. Now? She didn’t know. Her brain refused to function. “I thought . . .”
“You thought what, Leah? That I wanted this?” He gestured between them. “That I wanted to get married and have a house in the country, full of kids, white picket fence and all? That’s not me, babe. It’s never been me, it won’t ever be me. I tried to make us happy, just you and me. Here, like this. But you won’t let it go.”
Listening to Eric, Leah’s stomach sank. He was not happy either. But how was this her fault? He was the one who proposed marriage!
“Why did you even marry me then?” She did not realize she had spoken out loud until she heard her own voice.
“We’re really doing this, aren’t we?” Eric sat down on the bed. Shoulders slumped. “You know why. You were pregnant . . .” He held his head in his hands and did not look at her.
She turned away, staring but seeing nothing. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. Another crack formed in her already broken heart.
“And you’re finally telling me now . . . seven years later, that it was never what you wanted? You never wanted me. You never wanted our baby. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I did what I thought was right. For you. For the baby. I really liked you. You were so excited about being pregnant. And then the wedding. Everything was rushed. And when . . . you know . . . after you lost the baby. You were so broken inside. Tell me, Leah, what the hell was I supposed to do? Say ‘oh well’? Tell you I was relieved? Dump you? I couldn’t do that. It killed me watching you go through that! So I tried to make us both happy. And now neither of us are . . .”
Hot tears were pouring down her face. She went to him and put her arms around him.
“Thank you for telling me,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.” And she was. Sorry they were both so miserable. Sorry she didn’t know how to fix it. Sorry she couldn’t change what her heart still wanted.
Leah had run out of words. She couldn’t tell him how she felt because she did not know herself. The dreams about Cade had her so confused. But in this moment she was only thinking about Eric and their life together. This was real. Eric was real. She kissed him and he kissed her back.
She let Eric remove her nightgown. For the first time in years they made love for the pure pleasure of it. No agenda. No pressure. It just was. Afterwards, Leah fell into a deep sleep and did not dream.
The next morning, Leah woke to Eric getting dressed for work. She tried to figure out what day it was and landed on Friday.
“You gonna get up? Go to work?”
She shook her head and reached for her phone. It was dead. She had not plugged it in before she crashed. Attaching the ch
arger cable she looked at her husband. He seemed extra-focused on his tie.
“Are we okay?” she asked.
“I dunno, babe.” He still avoided looking at her. “I need some time. I need to think.”
“Time,” she repeated. “Like just time to think or . . .” Her voice trailed off when she saw a bag packed, sitting next to the door. “Eric?” Her voice cracked on his name and he finally met her eye.
“Yeah, time to think.” He saw here eyeing the bag. “I’m just going out of town with the boys, babe. It’s been planned for months. We always go at the end of September.”
She didn’t remember any plans but nodded. He came over to the bed, sat on the edge and took her hand.
“Last night . . .” he paused and tried again. “Last night was bittersweet, ya know?” He looked away. “I think we both need some time. When I get back, I think I’ll stay in the guest room for a while, okay?”
Eric did not wait for a reply. He just released her hand, kissed her on top of the head as he stood, and walked to the door.
Her mind screamed for her to say or do something! Her heart just watched him go, picking up his bag and leaving without a backward glance.
Leah did not cry. She picked up her phone and turned it on. She called her boss to tell him she would not be in, apologized for the inconvenience and promised to check her email from home. She was amazed how normal she sounded.
It was not until after she hung up that she saw her missed messages. One from her sister and two from Cade. His first, though unread, had sent her running home from work to safely sleep. It turned out to be nothing more than a question mark after she had not responded to his message about his dreaming about her.
The one that came in this morning said, “As you wish.”
Leah sobbed.
Chapter 7
“Let’s go shopping!”
It was Saturday morning and Leah was restless. Needing something to do, she called her sister, begging for attention.
“Wait, doesn’t Eric have a million plans for you guys this weekend like always?” Lily continued without giving Leah a chance to answer. “Like yoga in the park, shopping at the farmers market, biking through the park, game night at the pub . . . you know, all the usual nonsense? He sure wasn’t happy about our family picnic. I figured you’d be spending the next few weekends making it up to him.”
“Whatever. He didn’t mind the picnic and hey, I like some of that stuff too!”
“You like it ’cause he likes it.” Lily was extra-feisty this morning.
Leah knew her sister had never really clicked with Eric, but she had no idea Lily felt so strongly about him.
“What the heck, Lily? Do you need coffee?”
“Yes. As a matter of fact, I do. And I also need . . .” The phone went silent.
“Lily? Are you there?” Leah was about to ask again, when she heard her sister sigh.
“I’m here. Never mind. Lemme check with Robert and see if he can watch the girls while we run out. What do you need so badly anyway?”
“I want to redecorate. The apartment needs color. I need color.” Now it was Leah’s turn to sigh.
“Okay, scratch that. I will inform my husband he is watching the girls and pick you up in . . .” There was a rustling noise and Leah assumed her sister was checking the time. “Twenty minutes. Be ready and don’t change your mind!”
“Why would I change—” Leah stopped, realizing her sister had already hung up. She shrugged, grabbed a notepad, and began to make a list.
Two and a half hours later, the sisters were surrounded by shopping bags. They sat in the mall food court, sipping sodas and splitting a large boat of chili cheese fries.
Leah scanned the crowds around her as she absentmindedly stuffed another fry in her face.
“Okay, that’s it!”
Lily’s proclamation startled her and Leah almost choked. “What?”
“Who?”
“Huh?”
“Who are you looking for? You’ve been doing that all morning. Scanning every one who comes near us. Super jumpy. And where is Eric? And why did you only buy stuff for your bedroom. Things, I might add, you’ve turned down in the past because, I quote, ‘Eric wouldn’t like it.’ So yeah. Spill.”
Leah had been looking for Cade at every turn. Both wanting to see him and terrified if she would. She was not ready to admit that to anyone.
“When did you become so sassy and bossy?” Leah tried to distract her.
Lily didn’t fall for it. She lifted her soda to her mouth, taking a long drawn out drink. Waiting her out.
“Eric is out of town,” Leah kept her explanation simple. “Guy’s trip, he said.”
Neither sister ate, the last bit of fries growing cold. Lily did not comment. She watched, arms crossed, waiting for Leah to say more.
“Okay, fine, “ Leah relented. “I just wanted to add a pop of color before winter. You know winter gives me the blahs.”
“A pop of color is a new throw pillow for a couch. Not a whole new bedroom set.”
Leah shrugged. When she didn’t reply, Lily continued.
“Your whole apartment gives you the blahs. It’s all shades of concrete. In fact, I think your whole life is giving you the blahs!”
“Wow, sis, tell me how you really feel.” Leah forced a laugh.
“Okay, that came out too harsh. But I don’t think I’m wrong. When are you gonna wake up and realize it?”
“Wake up?” Leah echoed. The irony of Lily’s word choice made her laugh. “This isn’t a dream, this is my real life. I’m just trying to make the best of it.”
“But is this what’s best? I thought you wanted a house and a family and—”
Leah cut her sister off with an abrupt subject change. “Remember that first year when you went off to summer camp without me?”
Once the words were out, she regretted them. Leah busied herself cleaning up the table. “Are you done with these? I am. They are gross and cold now.” She stood suddenly, taking the tray, and throwing out the fries. Lily sat, watching her.
“Come on, one more store,” Leah begged.
“Yeah, okay, but what about camp?” Lily was clearly puzzled.
“Nothing,” Leah hedged. “I was trying to distract you and it worked!” She stuck her tongue out childishly. Lily laughed. As they made their way back toward the stores, Lily chatted away.
“I actually was thinking about looking into summer camp options for the girls for next year. Allison would love it. But Emmie, not so much. And you didn’t have it so bad. You got to spend the week at Gigi’s. Although, I did break my arm that first year so maybe I don’t wanna send . . .” Lily trailed off. She put a hand out, grabbing Leah, forcing her to stop.
“When I broke my arm . . .”
Leah nodded and tried to keep walking. Instead, Lily navigated them over to a nearby bench and continued her line of thought.
“My arm, you knew it was broken. And when Gigi lost her ring that one time, you knew where it was.”
Leah looked down at her hands. They had gone their whole lives without talking about Leah’s dreams. Their mother had forbidden it. The habit was hard to change.
“Was there, um . . .” Lily’s next words came out as a whisper, “Were there more?”
Leah gave one tiny nod and looked up to meet her sister’s eyes.
“And now?”
She watched as Lily practically held her breath, waiting for an answer. Leah gave her another nod.
“About you and Eric?”
Leah did not move her head. She held her breath and didn’t even blink. She couldn’t. But her sister understood her non-answer.
“Someone else? But . . .”
“I can’t talk about it, Lily. Please. I never should have reminded you. I just can’t. Nothing feels right anymore. I’m confused and unhappy and I feel like a crazy person. Eric doesn’t know. Past or present. Can’t know. I wouldn’t be able to explain it. He wouldn’t understand. Heck, I don
’t even understand it and I’m living it. I . . . I . . .” Damnit, she did not want to break down and cry in the mall of all places! Thankfully, her sister took pity on her.
“Okay, come on, what’s left on your list?” Lily scooped up the bags and looked around guessing.
Leah got up and hugged her sister. She knew the discussion wasn’t truly over but she was thankful for the reprieve. Eventually she would have to tell her. But for now, more shopping.
A couple hours later, Leah found herself alone. Lily had dropped her and a backseat full of shopping bags off at the apartment. As she let herself in, the contrast between her and Eric’s decorating styles was almost overwhelming. To her, their home felt devoid of life and color. It gave her a hollow feeling.
Looking at the bags in her hands, Leah nodded to herself and headed for the master bedroom. She dumped her packages unceremoniously on the floor. This room, the bed, it was all him and none of her. It was time to take charge.
Chapter 8
First thing she did was start a load of laundry. Leah did not realize how much she had purchased. Her first load was to wash her new sheets and bedding. While that was going, she stripped the bedroom of everything gray.
Then she installed curtain rods to hang the new drapes. The sheer aqua fabric added a warmth the white blinds were lacking.
Next came a plush throw rug. She removed the sleek metallic reading lamps and replaced them with cheerful bedside lamps. Both gave off a warm yellow glow.
Leah looked around, wondering what was next. She spied her nightgown and took it off the hook. She dug through her dresser drawers and found two more just like it and marched them straight to the trash.
When the wash cycle was over, Leah put the bedding in the dryer and started a second load. She looked forward to wearing the new pajamas she had purchased.
Leah looked around and realized she had done all she could until the washer-dryer cycle was ready. Checking the time, it occurred to her she should start thinking about dinner, but she was not hungry.
Truth was, she wasn’t anything. She wasn’t motivated to eat. She wasn’t mad at Eric or worried about their relationship. She wasn’t anxious at the thought of sleeping tonight. Everything felt wide open and unknown. She just felt neutral inside and was waiting to see what would happen next. Like this was not even her life. She felt numb.