by Sara Miller
“Or donate food to a food bank or homeless shelter?” Leah offered.
“They do Toys for Tots at school!” Liam caught on quick.
“Yes, exactly!” Cade beamed.
Sky grinned at him. “This might be your best one yet, Dad.”
“Thanks, darlin’.” Cade was choked up so Leah stepped in.
“So, what do you think?” she asked the kids. “Should we write down our ideas or keep saying them out loud?”
“LOUD!” voted Liam.
Leah cleared her throat to cover a laugh but Cade did not bother. He barked with laughter causing Liam to have a fit of the giggles. Sky, focused on thinking of “a way to give back,” was unaffected by her brother’s exuberance. She forged ahead.
“Yeah,” she agreed, “Leah’s idea gave me an idea, so I think brainstorming out loud will make it easier.”
“Okay, Liam’s way it is.” Cade agreed.
Liam whooped.
Brother and sister took turns sharing their ideas. Cade and Leah voiced a few thoughts, but mainly the kids took the lead. Leah sat back and enjoyed hearing Sky and Liam work out the details.
The result was humbling. Sky and Liam decided they wanted to bake cookies, an idea of Leah’s, but they took it up a notch and wanted to deliver them to a nursing home. Knowing how much Cades’s grandpa had meant to him, and how much Gigi had meant to her, Leah soon had tears in her eyes. Cade looked fit to burst with pride.
Sky saved them both from embarrassment or blubbering by announcing it was time to go shopping. She gathered the lists and helped Liam get ready to go. It gave Leah a few moments to recover.
They headed to the mall. First stop was the food court where they refueled before starting out. Cade looked over the lists as they ate, asking a few clarifying questions and making a few suggestions.
Leah wasn’t sure how this normally worked, but she was game. Cade produced envelopes of cash and reminded the kids to stick to their budgets. Leah was skeptical, but since they’d done it before, she assumed it would somehow work out.
They decided to divide and conquer. First they paired up the boys and girls, then they traded kids and Liam went with Leah. At one point she had both children with her so Cade could shop alone. There was also a time when Sky and Liam took off together.
The results were that everyone was laden with packages. From what she observed, Liam and Sky made excellent choices for their gifts.
Shopping was hard work. To reward themselves, they stopped to get pretzels. Leah was still finishing her cinnamon sugar pretzel when Sky took Liam off to the restroom. They headed for the family restroom where Sky promised to wait outside.
“You’ve got some sugar right—” Cade leaned in and kissed at the side of her mouth. Leah batted him away playfully and wiped at her face.
“Can I say again how awesome this was?”
“Thanks,” Cade smiled. “And can I say again how happy I am that you are part of it?” This time it was Leah who smiled.
“Your kids are amazing.”
Cade beamed at her praise.
“You need to work on your list-making skills though,” Cade eyed her. “Warm, comfy, cute pajamas was a good one but the rest were generic and boring. Was hot chocolate really the best thing you could come up with?” he shook his head. “Boring!”
“Did you just call me boring?” she teased, attempting to distract him from making her the center of attention. He squinted at her as if deciding if he was going to let it go. The kids returned and Leah was off the hook.
Back at the house, they somehow got all the packages sorted by who they were from. They set up multiple wrapping stations and by the time they were done, the pile of gifts under the tree was impressive.
It was well past dinner time and everyone was tired and hungry. Thankfully, Cade had thought ahead and phoned in a pizza order. It arrived just as they were finishing.
“Pizza!” Liam whooped.
“Pajamas first,” Cade instructed.
Sky and Liam rushed off to don pajamas while Cade cleaned up. Leah started to help but he had other ideas.
“Hey now, I called PJ time,” he kissed her hard, then pushed her away. “Go change.”
She looked at him, confused.
“Bottom drawer on the right,” Cade pointed down the hall.
Leah kissed him again before complying. She headed down the hall, curiosity getting the best of her. In Cade’s drawer, she found her missing pajama sets. She smiled and pulled them out to determine which were the warmest. She was surprised to find the fishing t-shirt and sleep shorts she had worn that first night. There was also a pair of men’s pajama pants. They were flannel, well-worn, and smelled of Cade. She quickly stripped and pulled them on. Leah heard the door and startled.
It was only Cade. He eyed her pants but did not comment. He moved past her and stripped out of his own clothing. She watched, unashamed. When he pulled out sleep pants and a long sleeve t-shirt, she sighed when he covered up his body. Cade chuckled.
“Need help?” he offered.
“Dad! We’re gonna eat!” Sky called through the closed door.
“Be right there!” Leah hollered back.
Cade pouted and she laughed. Leah quickly swapped out her sweater for one of her sleep shirts and headed for the door. Cade followed, still shaking his head.
Loaded up with pizza and soda, they sat down to watch TV while they ate. Liam and Sky easily agreed on having a classic Christmas TV show marathon. Cade pulled out DVDs of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Between bites of pizza, the kids quoted their favorite lines and sang along.
Leah enjoyed listening to Cade’s children almost as much as revisiting the old classics. She had not seen them in years. Rudolph had been her favorite. It brought back childhood memories of watching it with Lily. Even though the programs were short, her younger self never quite made it all the way to the end without falling asleep. This time was no different.
When Leah woke, she stretched but didn’t get out of bed. Her phone showed that Cade had added a Christmas tree and a gift to his one-sided private messages. Her heart was happy but her feet and lower back still ached from all that shopping. Leah groaned. At least she was done. All she had left to do was wrap a few presents—unless she wanted to shop for Cade and his family in real life. But how would that work? She instantly dismissed the idea and got up to get ready for work, thankful to be finished with Christmas shopping.
Chapter 24
Turns out, Leah had one more shopping trip for the season in her after all. The shopping trip she had not expected was with Eric. He’d begged her to help him shop for his family out East. Eric did pretty good with gifts for the guys in his family but early on she had figured out he needed help for his mom and grandma.
Eric and Leah made a whole evening of it. First they had dinner out at the new Thai place that had just opened downtown. Then they walked from shop-to-shop, checking out all the trendy boutiques. With such a variety of shops, they were able to find what he needed.
“Thanks again,” he said.
Leah simply smiled.
The temperature had dropped and snow fell in large flakes. She was glad to help but was also getting tired. Eric must have noticed. He steered them toward a coffee kiosk.
“Peppermint Mocha?” he offered.
“Mmmm, yes please.” Leah sipped it as they took the long way back to the apartment, enjoying the Christmas light displays.
From the outside, they probably looked like a normal couple. Leah checked herself. She waited to see if she would second-guess her decision about Eric and their failing marriage. She did not feel regret or longing. It had been a pleasant evening, but that was it.
She felt lighter and happier knowing she was making the right choice. She was convinced Eric had not felt any romance either. He had not held her hand or even called her “babe.”
Leah knew it was over. Other than actually informing Eric she wa
s done, she had one more area of her life to address: it was time to call her doctor.
She called the very next morning. Leah’s doctor’s appointment was set for three days before Christmas. It was the only appointment available before the New Year. Her doctor insisted on seeing her in person before prescribing birth control, so Leah had to wait.
Waiting another week was not going to make or break her. Whereas, waiting for what would be the final nail in the coffin of her fertility was disconcerting.
So she tried to keep herself busy. Leah finished wrapping her presents and delivered them all to her sister’s house ahead of time. The only ones she kept back were Eric’s gifts.
Their tradition was to privately exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, then do the bigger family Christmas the day of. They did this whether they were with her family or his. Leah thought it was a sweet tradition. This year she was dreading it. She just could not imagine how it would go with them being so distant or what he would possibly think to get her. He had not asked for suggestions either. It left her feeling unsettled.
Leah thought Eric would like the simple things she got him. She’d picked out some new workout clothes and a Collector’s Edition of World War II documentaries on Blu-ray. She had also gotten him a few of his favorite Christmas candies.
Eric never liked to admit it, but he loved chocolate covered cherries. Every year she would buy them. Every year he would complain. But every year she caught him eating them all up. The memory made her smile.
Leah would miss little things like that. She tried not to overthink it. Knowing what kind of candy someone liked is not the basis for a healthy marriage. There was so much unhealthiness in their relationship. Come the first of the year, Leah knew she would need to talk to a lawyer. Maybe Robert could help her find one.
As she thought about that, she kneeled down to make space under Lily’s Christmas tree for her gifts. She felt confident. She had a plan: she’d ask Robert.
“Ask Robert what?”
“Gah!” Leah jumped. Gifts went one way and the ornaments she bumped went another. They clinked and clanged and one fell off the tree and rolled across the floor.
Leah looked up and saw her sister standing over her. She glared and her sister laughed. Lily retrieved the runaway bulb and handed it to Leah. She put it back on the tree, finished tucking away her gifts, and stood.
“You didn’t answer. What do you wanna ask Robert?”
Leah plopped on the couch lazily, half sitting, half reclining. “To help me find a lawyer,” she said with a sigh.
“It’s like less than a week before Christmas and you want to find a lawyer now?” Despite her choice of words, Lily’s tone was not judgemental.
“No, I was thinking about it now. Apparently talking out loud too. But probably nothing until after the New Year.”
“That makes sense.”
“I think I might want to find a new job too. We just had some restructuring and my newest boss is one of Eric’s gym buddies.” She made a face of displeasure.
“Yeah, gyms are the worst.”
Leah laughed. She loved Lily. Loved her support and her sense of humor.
“Just remember our offer,” Lily added, bringing a bit of seriousness back to the conversation.
“You’d really take in your divorced, unemployed sister?” Thinking about her dreams, Leah added, “whose grasp on reality may be sketchy at best?”
“In a heartbeat,” Lily immediately answered.
Leah was spared any more conversation on that topic because her nieces had found her and the additional presents under the tree. She sat back and watched as they discovered who each new gift was for. They lifted, shook, and squeezed each package. Leah loved hearing their guesses.
“Slippers for Dad, hear how soft it is?” Emmie said with absolute confidence.
“This one is a candle for Mom. I didn’t shake it ’cause I don’t wanna damage it but I can tell. It’s heavy and it smells like lavender,” Allison explained.
Lily shot Leah a horrified look. They both hated candles and lavender. Leah couldn’t help but wonder if Allison actually knew what lavender smelled like. She avoided her sister’s gaze so she didn’t start laughing.
She loved moments like this. Leah wondered what it would be like to live here. Temporarily, for sure, while she figured things out. But she felt blessed to have the option of this buffer, this safe space. So much so that she reached out and hugged her sister.
“What was that for?”
Leah shrugged and didn’t try to explain.
Later that night, Leah lay in bed thinking about the day and smiled. Her nieces were growing up so fast.
Everything was moving fast.
Her doctor’s appointment was in a couple days. Christmas a few days after that and New Year’s a week later. And then . . . then she had no idea what was next.
Leah considered the way her life was filled with unknowns. In reality, she should be terrified. But right now she had this zen vibe going on. She felt confident she would figure things out as she went. Was she crazy? Maybe. Only time would tell. She rolled over and let sleep claim her.
Chapter 25
Leah basked in the afterglow of truly amazing sex. She was naked in Cade’s bed. The lights were low and the room felt warm. Or maybe she was still flushed from their lovemaking. Either way, she lay there naked with no motivation to cover up.
Cade was on his side next to her. His head propped up on one arm and his other hand traced light circles over her stomach as if he was studying her body. She looked down and frowned at her belly, vowing to include a little more exercise in her life. Christmas cookies were her nemesis.
“What’s this?” Cade traced a faint scar on her abdomen. “And this?”
“There are three or four,” she answered without looking. “They’re where I had a fibroid removed from my uterus.”
“Oh. I thought maybe it was from . . .” Cade trailed off.
“My miscarriage?” she offered up the hard word.
Cade shifted so he could see her face and nodded, while his hand remained where it was.
“Nah, no physical scars from that,” she tried to smile.
“Will you tell me about it?” Cade’s voice was gentle.
She could tell how much he really cared about her feelings. It made her smile and want to share her sad story with him.
“It was after college, I’d already been working a ‘real job’ quite a few years before I met Eric,” she paused. It was hard talking with Cade about Eric.
“I don’t want to hear about him.” Cade made a face.
“It’s all part of it,” she continued. “He was storybook tall, dark, and handsome. For some reason took interest in me. We dated for a couple months and our, um, physical relationship progressed. He used condoms. I thought it was enough,” she shook her head.
The irony, that she could get pregnant while using protection but not at any other time mocked her. Cade watched her and she realized she had stopped her story.
“So there we were, only a few months into a relationship and all of a sudden I find myself sick as a dog. I thought I had the flu. I was nauseous and so tired. Like, weary to the bone tired. Like, could barely get out of bed tired. I’ve never been that tired before or since.”
“Did you call Lily?”
“No, she was almost eight months pregnant with Emmie. I couldn’t risk getting her sick.” She shook her head. “I called my mom.”
Leah could tell mentioning her mother had really caught Cade’s attention. She rarely talked about her and Cade never asked. All he knew was that she did not have a good relationship with her mother.
“I was desperate. I didn’t know what else to do. If only I’d guessed, thought to take a pregnancy test. Or even asked anyone else to go with me . . . but I didn’t. So she was right there to kick me when I was down. And then, since that wasn’t bad enough, Eric was waiting for me when we got back.” She laughed bitterly, hardly recognizing her own vo
ice. It felt good to tell her story though. After so many years of it being a dark secret.
“Well, you know my mom, she lit into him something fierce. Called him, and me, every name in the book. Then demanded to know what he was going to do about it.’ Literally, that’s what she screamed in his face. She told him he had to marry me. He just went blank and walked out. I didn’t see or even hear from him for more than a week. I didn’t think he’d marry me. I didn’t even think he’d come back. “ She shrugged before continuing.
“We barely knew each other. I . . . cared about him but I wasn’t sure it was love. Then he shocked me. He called and took me out and asked me to marry him,” she shook her head. “I thought he actually wanted me and the baby. That he loved us. I was so naive.” Her hands went to her belly, remembering.
“Mom helped me plan the wedding super-quick. She called it a ‘whirlwind romance’ and everyone gushed. Looking back, I was like, what year is this? I still can’t believe it could happen in this decade. Yet it did. And to me! I was not even three months along when I got married. That’s how fast my mom made it all happen.
“And then I lost the baby at about five months.”
She felt a single tear form. Cade brushed it away before it could spill over.
“I was wrecked. I was married to a stranger. My sister was home with a baby and a toddler and didn’t even know I had been pregnant. And my Mom told me losing the baby was my fault, for having premarital sex. That God was punishing me for my sin. I told her to get out and I haven’t seen her since.”
Cade was sitting up now. He was fuming. Seeing him so upset on her behalf was oddly comforting. She rubbed his back.
“And what did he say?”
“Other than offering a few platitudes? Nothing much. He prefered to act like it never happened.”
Cade laid back down, tossed the blanket over them, and pulled her into his arms.
“I need to hold you so I don’t do something stupid.”
“Something stupid?” she asked.
“Yeah, like go beat the crap outta that asshole or go slap your mom,” he paused then tried again, only to immediately run out of words. “God, Leah . . .”