First Kiss Last

by Sara Miller

  “I know. But it was a long time ago. And I’m here now.” She burrowed into him and he held her extra tight.

  “So . . .”

  “Go ahead, ask whatever you want.”

  “No more pregnancies?”

  She shook her head no.

  “But you tried?”

  “Just about everything. I took my temp and charted. They did blood tests, ultrasounds, and even x-rayed my fallopian tubes looking for a blockage. I tried the drugs they prescribed, took supplements, and changed my diet. Anything that might help. Eric drew the line at IVF or adoption, but everything else I could try, I did. Including the surgery you noticed in case the fibroid was somehow blocking an egg from implanting. Nothing worked.”

  “And they don’t know why?”

  “Nope.”

  “And yet you stayed with him?”

  “I’d made a commitment and I did grow to love him. Plus, I’d gotten pregnant once,” she shrugged, “I kept thinking it could happen again. What was I supposed to do?”

  Cade did not offer an answer to that last question. Leah just continued to let Cade hold her. She thought he was drifting off to sleep when he spoke again, asking her about something no one ever had. Not even Eric.

  “Tell me about your baby.”

  Leah told him through torrents of tears. She spoke of her tiny, perfect baby boy who was just born too soon. How he could fit in her hand. She shared what she had named him and where she paid to have a tiny remembrance plaque installed at a local park. It had her son’s first and middle name with a single date.

  Cade held her as she grieved. After seven years, she grieved as if it had just happened. She grieved in a way she had not done before, maybe because true sorrow had to be shared. Cade grieved with her. She felt his hot wet tears on her bare shoulder and, finally, she did not feel alone.

  Cade continued to hold her until all her tears were spent. She loved being in his arms. Loved how safe and cherished she felt with him.

  That’s when it hit her.

  She loved Cade.

  Not her childish crush. Not their shared lustful passion. But deep down in her heart and soul, she loved him.

  She twisted in his arms so she could face him. Leah opened her mouth to tell him but no words came out. She put her hand to the side of his face and just smiled, watching the man she loved gaze back at her.

  “I love you,” he told her. “I loved you then and I love you now. I’ll love you forever and in between. My heart breaks every day when I wake up and you’re not in my bed. Leah, please. Please tell me you feel the same. Please tell me this is real and you want more too. That you want to be in my life 24/7.” He searched her face, waiting for her answer.

  Leah struggled with her own words, so overwhelmed by the emotion of it all. She managed to nod her head, but she knew that wasn’t enough. So she kissed him over and over until she could finally speak.

  “I love you too, Cade.”

  Leah had never seen Cade smile or look at her the way he did right then. It was as if she had made all his dreams come true. She probably had the same sappy look on her own face. The thought made her smile even brighter. This was real, this was happening! She wished she could snap her fingers and their real life together would start instantly.

  “And the . . . other stuff?” he asked nervously. She knew he meant her marriage to Eric.

  “Yes,” she nodded again. “It’ll take some time but I have a plan.”

  “A plan?”

  “Yes.”

  “Promise? ’Cause I’m all in.”

  “I promise.” She kissed him hard to seal the deal.

  “Does your family know?”

  “They know I’m ready to leave Eric. Robert will help me find a lawyer. Lily knows there’s someone, but not who.”

  “Ah, good ol’ Robert. I remember him from school. He was older than us, but a pretty good dude. But wait, so Lily can’t remember the dreams?”

  Leah shook her head.

  “How come I can? Not that I’m complaining . . .” He nibbled at her neck.

  “I really don’t know,” she shrugged. “But I’m not complaining either.”

  She didn’t want to talk about Robert or Lily right now. So when Cade opened his mouth to speak, she claimed his lips.

  Cade rolled her so that she lay on top of him. She was suddenly acutely aware they were still naked from earlier. She continued to kiss him as his hands roamed over her skin. Leah moved against his body and finally broke their kisses so she could sit up and straddle him properly.

  “I need . . .” she couldn’t form full sentences, but Cade understood.

  “I need you too, love.”

  Leah lifted herself up and used one hand to move Cade into position. She lowered herself onto him slowly with an audible groan of pleasure. She loved that Cade never tried to silence her.

  “I. Love. You.” Cade managed to say a single word between each thrust.

  Leah couldn’t speak. Instead, she let her body speak for her.

  Chapter 26

  Leah woke the next morning with a new sense of peace. She loved Cade Emerson. Loved him in a way she had never loved anyone else. And he loved her too. She could not stop smiling.

  She got up, went to work and had a productive day. She practically floated, her heart felt so light. Everyone assumed it was the Christmas spirit. She did not tell them otherwise.

  Over the next couple evenings she made double batches of Chex Mix and Peppermint Bark. They were her two favorite Christmas snacks so she made them every year. Leah had found festive little bags to hand out to a few friends at work. She filled each with small portions of both treats and tied them with red ribbons.

  Then she set aside two large containers to take to Lily’s for Christmas. Everyone in that household was just as crazy for these two particular treats as she was. The rest went into two red and green containers for Eric to take to work. Even with their relationship time together about to officially end, Leah continued their traditions this one last time. It felt like closure.

  When she showed the Christmas treats to Eric, his shrug was noncommittal.

  “Smells good,” he said as he headed to bed for the night.

  The next morning the packages were gone. Even if he did not seem to appreciate her efforts, she hoped his co-workers would.

  In contrast, Lily was impatient to know the status of the goodies. She texted, asking if Leah had made her favorite snacks. As if Leah could possibly forget. Her phone pinged in rapid succession as Lily typed.

  Did you make Chex Mix?

  And the Peppermint Bark?

  Is it Christmas yet?!?!

  Nah. Went with figgy pudding this year instead. Hope you’ll like it!

  Leah enjoyed teasing her sister and laughed at the series of sad and angry emojis that blew up her phone. She texted back that she was just kidding but Lily was not letting it go. Leah got up, took a selfie with the snacks and sent it off to her sister.

  Lily replied with every heart and love emoji she could find. Leah laughed happily. That was the way someone should react! Christmas was finally just days away. She was excited.

  ♦

  The day of her doctor’s appointment was a busy one. She worked in the morning, had her appointment in the afternoon, and had plans with her sister in the evening.

  The best part was knowing she would not have to work again until the first week in January. She loved that her work completely shut down between the holidays. It was something she knew she would miss if she decided to get a new job. She was thinking about something less corporate, but had no idea what. She would also need a car soon. With so much change already in motion, this step would require a lot of thought.

  Her head spun with all the potential complications on her horizon. Yet she still felt confident as she finished her last morning of work before the holiday break.

  It was a staff tradition to go out for lunch and cocktails (mostly cocktails, truth be told). Leah decided to ma
ke a quick appearance. She did not eat or drink anything other than water. Leah felt anxious about her upcoming appointment.

  She wished she could fast-forward to this evening. Robert and Lily had invited her along to go look at Christmas lights. The girls had thought of it back when they watched the Thanksgiving parade together, insisting Aunt Leah just had to come this year. Leah had quickly agreed and was looking forward to it.

  “Leah, have a drink!”

  “Yes, celebrate with us!”

  Her coworkers had noticed her lack of participation. Leah also realized she had zoned out and missed most of the conversation.

  “Cheers!” she held up her water glass as if it was a fancy drink. Leah playfully clicked glasses with the people around her. Everyone laughed and continued to chat.

  “Are you at least gonna order?” someone asked.

  “Sorry, guys!” Leah looked at her watch dramatically and sighed, “I gotta run. I have an appointment. Merry Christmas!”

  Even though she hadn’t actually ordered, she left a tip. The server deserved it with this lively crew. As Leah stood to leave, she was bombarded with holiday greetings and well-wishes. She hugged a few of the ladies as she made her escape, giving her coworkers a final wave as she rushed out the door.

  ♦

  After her doctor appointment, Leah felt numb. Returning to her apartment, she fixed dinner in a fog, then went outside to wait for Lily and her family to pick her up for the lights tour.

  She stood outside for twenty minutes on the frigid December evening. Now she felt physically numb as well. She slipped off a glove and texted Lily.

  ETA? I’m freezing!

  Turning on your block now.

  SORRY!

  Leah put her glove back on and resumed scanning traffic. Sure enough, a familiar white minivan was headed her way.

  As the van pulled up, Leah pasted a large smile on her face. The door slid open as if by magic. Leah rushed inside and quickly pushed the button to close the door. She was buckling up as Robert put the van back in drive.

  “Sorry!” Lily repeated.

  “You can call me Aunt Elsa now because I’m completely frozen!” she teased her nieces who sat behind her. They laughed at her joke as they drank from to-go cups.

  “You need hot cocoa!” Allison told her.

  “Yeah, it’ll warm you right up, Aunt Elsa!” Emmie giggled. Leah reached around and tried to tickle the girls. They squirmed, squealed, and cleverly avoided her.

  “Here.”

  Leah turned forward and Lily handed her a cup like the girls had, only a larger version.

  “Bless you!” she said, taking the drink greedily.

  “It’s why we were late. The line took forever. Forgive me?”

  “I wasn’t really mad. Just freezing.” Leah’s whole body shivered as if to make the point.

  “So you’re saying I missed my chance to tell you to . . . ‘Let It Go’?” Robert chuckled at his own joke and Lily groaned.

  “Yeah, I totally set him up for that one.” Leah shook her head as the girls sang their own renditions of the popular song from Frozen.

  She went to sip her drink but stopped with it halfway to her mouth, “Wait, what is this?”

  Lily turned in her seat and eyed her suspiciously. The girls voices grew louder and louder.

  “That’s enough, girls.” Robert’s voice instantly silenced the girls. It didn’t always work, because kids would be kids, but it sure was nice when it did.

  “Just hot chocolate, why?”

  Leah shrugged and took a drink. It was still quite hot and she enjoyed the heat even if she did not feel any warmer. Lily still looked at her.

  “It’s late. I’m glad it doesn’t have caffeine,” Leah dodged.

  “You want to sleep tonight,” Lily smiled knowingly.

  Leah silently hoped she would not ask about her dreams. Prayed she hadn’t told Robert about them either.

  “Are you having problems sleeping?” Robert’s voice was concerned.

  “No, but I might if this was coffee!” Leah held up the large to-go cup and forced a laugh.

  “Very true!” Robert agreed.

  Lily continued to eye her suspiciously for several heartbeats. Leah put her cup to her lips and drank. Finally her sister turned and faced forward in her seat, appearing to accept her answer.

  “Look!” Allison exclaimed, drawing everyone’s attention out the windows.

  Robert was entering a residential district of downtown and they could already see several houses aglow. The neighborhood was filled with large beautiful houses. No one built houses like this anymore. Their lights tour had officially begun.

  For the next hour, Leah stared out the window. Even with the distraction of the festive lights, she could not get her doctor’s appointment off her mind. She drank her beverage without tasting it. She oohed and aahed with everyone else, smiling nonstop. She responded whenever her nieces spoke to her, but felt like she was outside herself watching everything happen. Leah thought she was hiding this sense of disconnect well until she felt her phone vibrate.

  Are u ok?

  The text was from Lily. She sent her a thumbs up.

  You’re acting strange.

  Can’t explain right now. But I’m okay.

  Leah felt instant relief when she saw her sister put her phone away. She expected Lily to push her and knew this was probably only a reprieve. She would take what she could get.

  “Aunt Leah, look! Look!”

  “This is like our favorite place, right Em?”

  “Yesssss!” Emmie agreed enthusiastically.

  “Where are we?” Leah’s voice sounded a bit panicked and she coughed trying to cover it up. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I mean, what is this place?”

  “It’s just outside of where we grew up. Remember all these lake houses? We swam out here somewhere one summer with the youth group, remember? Anyway, there’s an older couple that lives out here who goes nuts for Christmas. They put on this whole display.” As Robert explained, he had turned around and pulled over. He parked in the long line of vehicles that lined both sides of the street.

  The girls were unbuckling behind her. Leah did not move. She sat staring out the window, stunned by their location. This was the road Cade lived on. What if he was here? What if she saw him? She had no idea how she would handle seeing him. Leah wished she could hide in the van. But then Lily would have a lot of questions and she would have to explain. She shook her head.

  As the girls climbed past her, they pulled at her.

  “Come on! Get out!”

  “We get to see this one up close!”

  Leah followed them out. They each took a hand and led her forward. Allison showed her all her favorite parts of the display. Emmie pointed out everything that was new.

  When they got to a shed labeled “Santa’s Workshop,” Robert came forward and took the girls to meet Santa. Leah hung back with Lily.

  “You sure you’re okay?” Lily tried again.

  Leah avoided looking at her sister. She gazed at the nearby display of reindeer until all the lights blurred together.

  “Leah?”

  When she did not respond, Lily moved close and looped her arm through her sister’s. Leah set her head on Lily’s shoulder and waited for the questions to start. None came. Lily just stood there like a rock, holding her up—as if Lily knew that if she pressed her to speak, Leah would break. It made her love Lily even more.

  Eventually, Robert returned with the girls. He navigated them all back to the minivan. When the girls were buckled up they got back on the road.

  The heater was blasting and Christmas music played quietly in the background. Her nieces’ chatter slowed until it finally stopped altogether. A quick peek told her they had fallen asleep. Leah sat back in her seat and closed her eyes too. Refusing to allow herself to think, she focused on the song lyrics.

  Exactly six Christmas songs later, Leah felt the van coming to a stop. She unbuckled a
s the door slid open. Leah climbed out, whispering her thanks for the fun evening. Lily started to climb out after her.

  “Leah?”

  Leah shook her head. “I’m exhausted. See you on Christmas, okay?”

  “Love you.” Lily’s face indicated she wanted to say so much more. “Call me if you need me, okay?”

  “Love you too.” Leah waved and didn’t look back.

  She let herself into the apartment and readied herself for bed. Eric hadn’t waited up or maybe he was not even home. She did not know and at the moment, she did not care. Leah curled up in her covers and slept to escape.

  Chapter 27

  Leah awoke in bed with Cade. The dawn was letting in the first hint of morning light. Cade rolled over and pulled her close and kissed her.

  “Merry Christmas, love.”

  There was no better way to start the morning than in Cade’s arms. Leah adored hearing him call her “love.” She smiled and kissed him back. Passion flared and she instantly thought of a way the morning could get better. Leah could tell that Cade’s body had the same idea as hers.

  She moved the covers as she kissed Cade’s neck, working her way down to his chest. He watched her intently, while his hands touched her everywhere he could reach. She moved to his abdomen, kissing lower and lower.

  Cade had his hands in her hair. She looked up at him. The expression on his face was controlled passion. She could feel how taut his entire body had become. Leah licked below his belly button and his hands fisted in her hair. She nibbled and he pulled her hair tighter.

  When she got to his pajama pants, she bit and pulled at them playfully. Cade chuckled and released her hair. Leah watched as he lifted his hips and slid down his pants, freeing himself.

  Face-to-face with one of her favorite parts of Cade, Leah suddenly found herself nervous and slightly embarrassed. She looked at Cade and felt her face grow warm.