by Sara Miller
“I never said there were boys!”
“But there were, right?” Leah gave her sister a knowing look.
Lily clamped her mouth shut. Her brow was furrowed. Leah continued.
“You were wearing your white shirt. The one with the giant strawberry on it and a ruffle at the bottom. Jean short cutoffs. Neon yellow Band-Aid on your right knee from when you fell playing capture the flag. Oh, and sandals.”
Lily opened her mouth but Leah kept talking.
“The cutest boy, the one with the brown curls, was showing off by climbing a tree. The stupid one with the buzz cut kept saying girls couldn’t climb trees. So you had to prove him wrong.” Leah shook her head and chuckled, “I see where Allison gets it now.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Lily laughed.
“You made it pretty far up the tree. Third or fourth branch, I think. I’d guess you were maybe ten or twelve feet up. But the tree was slick from the rain. And your sandals did not help. I saw you slip and try to catch yourself. I really thought you were gonna be okay but then you fell. I think you only fell about six or eight feet but you landed hard on your left arm. I heard it crack. The girl with the braids screamed bloody murder and the boys ran away. I stayed with you. I held your right hand while another girl went and got help. You didn’t cry.”
Leah finished recounting the dream and noticed she had the batter mixed and the oil heating up. She worked on the cinnamon sugar mixture she would coat them with.
“That’s all true. Every single detail of that. Except . . .”
“Except what? That I wasn’t there?” Leah laughed, “Yeah, I know.”
“So why was Mom so mad? I never did understand.”
“I woke up before I knew if you were okay. I’d been holding your hand and I saw the counselors running toward you . . . and then nothing. It was like the second I knew you had help, I woke up. But I was so scared. Gigi said I woke up screaming and crying. I told her what happened and she drove me straight home. Mom sent me to my room but I snuck out and listened. Gigi told Mom to get up to the camp right away. Mom refused. She said dreams weren’t real. She said— “ Leah wished she had caught herself before she started to say more. Lily would demand to know. She didn’t wait for her sister to protest. She was ready to release this too.
“Gigi said ‘you know that girl has a gift’ and Mom said ‘gifts like that aren’t from God and I’ll have no part of it.’ She ignored it and me until the camp finally called. And when she was getting ready to leave, she said to me ‘well if you were there, why didn’t you stop it!’ She raised her hand like she was going to hit me but Gigi stopped her. I never wanted to tell you that. Now you know why I never talked about my dreams.”
Leah started dropping the batter into the fryer in donut hole-sized pieces. She fiddled with them, making sure they cooked evenly. When the first batch was ready, she scooped them out one at a time and put them on a stack of paper towels. She blotted off the extra oil, then tossed them in the cinnamon sugar mix. She transferred her sugar coated creations to a plate and pushed the plate toward Lily.
Lily had not spoken since Leah finished her story. It was very un-Lily like and made Leah anxious.
Lily selected a donut hole and took a small nibble since they were still quite hot. “It’s good!” she smiled and ate what was left of the one in her hand.
“Thank you.”
“You made donuts,” Lily said, looking directly at her sister.
“Donut holes,” Leah corrected.
“You made donut holes,” Lily repeated. “From scratch. Without a recipe. Like you’ve done it a million times. And you learned it from Gigi in your dreams.”
Leah nodded and took a donut hole for herself but didn’t eat it.
“Wow.”
“Yeah . . .” Leah blew out a long breath.
“I believe you. Mom was wrong. I never knew she talked to you or about you like that. I would have—”
“You would have, what? We were kids, Lily. Don’t even think about it. Okay?”
Lily nodded but her face was scrunched up like something was still bothering her. Leah ate her donut hole while she waited for Lily to come to terms with her thoughts.
“So . . .” Lily eyed Leah’s baby belly.
Leah moved to a kitchen chair and put her arms around her bump protectively.
“Your mystery man—no, I’m not asking his name this time! You and him . . . in your dreams and . . . that,” she gestured at Leah’s stomach.
Leah nodded. Lily had the gist of it.
“I don’t remember you being in my dream. Is that why you don’t want to contact him? He won’t remember either?”
Leah wanted to say yes. It was the perfect end-all solution. Lily looked like she would accept this answer. But it was a lie.
“No. I’m pretty sure he remembers the dreams too.”
“But how? No one else could!” Lily looked frustrated. Like she wanted to understand so badly but couldn’t put it together.
“Gigi could.”
“Her ring! You found Gigi’s lost ring,” Lily remembered. “She said ‘I was baking with Leah’ or something like that and you knew what she was talking about. Mom and I didn’t. But you did, because you dreamed it and . . .” She paused, putting the pieces together. “Gigi did too?”
Leah only nodded. She let Lily have time to process her thoughts and have a second donut hole.
“So, that means,” Lily returned to her original topic, “if he remembers too, can’t you just call him up? Or dream talk to him? Or—”
“Allison! Emmie! Come see what I made!” Leah was done with the conversation and ended it by summoning reinforcements. She heard them stomp up the stairs from their basement playroom.
Allison emerged first, sniffing the air. Emmie was not far behind.
“I told you I smelled something yummy!” Emmie told her sister. Staring at the sugary concoctions, Allison did not look like she minded being wrong.
“Can we have some, Mom?”
“Please?”
“Of course, but wash your hands first!”
The girls hurried to do as they were told. When they were back at the table, Leah enjoyed watching them devour the sweet treats. She had one donut hole then busied herself making a second batch. Leah was just covering them with sugar when Robert returned home.
“Here’s all my favorite girls!” he announced upon entering the kitchen. “And what’s this?”
“Donut holes, Daddy! Aunt Leah made them!” Emma said.
“And they are sooo good. Try one!” Allison insisted.
Leah smiled. Her nieces were her biggest fans. Robert helped himself and readily agreed. The donut holes were a hit. The kitchen, however, was a mess. Leah rubbed her lower back with her fist and stretched.
“Leave it,” Lily commanded. “Go lay down or at least put your feet up.”
Leah was too physically and emotionally drained to argue. She hugged Lily and left the room.
As she lay down to rest, she realized she had to use the bathroom. She awkwardly climbed back out of bed and made her way down the hall. She was surprised to find Lily.
“I have to pee,” Leah pointed to the bathroom door.
Lily laughed and nodded, “I remember those days!”
Leah watched Lily grab a towel from the linen closet and head downstairs. As she entered the bathroom, she was glad her sister had not followed her upstairs to continue their cut-off conversation from earlier. She just could not talk about her baby’s father and she wished Lily would let it go.
Back in her room, she punched her pillow in frustration. She tried to get comfortable and couldn’t. Thankfully, she was tired enough that sleep claimed her quickly. Sleep, but no dreams.
Chapter 32
Leah wished she could dream. Dream about anything. She’d welcome infomercials, paint drying, trips to the dentist . . . Anything would be better than the dark nothingness she currently felt every time she woke.
She w
ould even take the locked door dreams again. Leah would happily stand in a dark room with nothing but a generic locked door in front of her all night. Then there would at least be something.
All week she tried to make herself dream but nothing happened. She thought seeing Sky and Liam at the park would have had some sort of impact on her ability to dream. But nothing had changed.
Whereas in real life, one thing had significantly changed. Lily had backed off considerably. It was nice to not worry Lily would start hammering her with questions. Leah was finally able to let her guard down and begin to relax.
When Friday night rolled around, Lily took Leah out. They made a girl’s night of it, starting with dinner. Leah picked a local Mexican restaurant and they stuffed themselves with corn tortilla chips and fresh salsa. Her chicken burrito had just the right amount of spice.
“I’m so full I can’t move,” Leah laughed at herself. It was only a slight exaggeration on her part.
“Me too. My shrimp fajitas were amazing. Thanks for putting up with the smell.”
“I’m really not bothered by it, honest.” She laughed.
Lily pouted.
“So no morning sickness, no smell aversions, no food cravings?” Lily shook her head in disgust and Leah laughed harder.
“You sound like you want me to be miserable!”
“Well, not miserable. It’s just not fair.”
“Trust me, I know all about unfair. And I’m miserable in other ways. Nothing about this has been normal.” Leah looked down at her bump and set a hand to her belly.
“I’m glad we did this now, while you still fit in the booth,” Lily teased.
“Hardy-har-har. You think you are so funny.” Leah stuck her tongue out at her sister, continuing the playful banter.
“Okay, go pee while I pay the bill.”
Leah tried to protest on both accounts but Lily had already grabbed the bill. Also, she really did have to pee. Again.
“I’ll meet you up front.” Leah scooched carefully out of the booth. Small things like that were becoming more difficult by the day. She eyed her sister and gave her a look to tell her not to comment. Lily laughed and Leah did too. She was so glad to have Lily. Leah did not want to think what her life would be like without her sister.
In the bathroom, Leah was lost in her thoughts. As she washed her hands, she suddenly realized the woman next to her was speaking.
“When are you due?” the lady repeated.
“Not until June,” Leah muttered. She wasn’t used to sharing her personal information with a stranger.
The lady nodded. “The last two months will go quick,” she promised. “They will also take forever. Trust me, I know.” She patted her own stomach. “This is my fourth.”
“Wow. Congratulations.” Leah wasn’t sure what else to say.
“Is this your first?” the lady continued.
Before Leah could reply, a new voice spoke behind her.
“Do your boobs hurt? Mine do.” Another pregnant woman had entered the conversation.
Leah shrugged. Her hands were washed and dried. She was ready to be literally anywhere else. She sidestepped toward the door making a hasty retreat.
“Good luck!” the ladies called after her.
Leah rushed toward her sister. “Get me out of here, there are pregnant women everywhere!”
“They can’t hurt you!” Lily teased.
“But you could catch it!”
The horrified look on Lily’s face caused Leah to start giggling. She couldn’t stop. Soon Lily joined in. People began to stare and the sisters kept laughing as they made their way to the parking lot.
They sat in the minivan catching their breath. When she could speak without laughing, Leah asked what Lily had planned next.
“Well, I was thinking we could go set up your baby registry . . . but there might be more you-know-what’s there,” Lily teased.
“As long as you are by my side, I’ll be fine. Just shield me from any talk of boobs, stretch marks, or mucus plugs, okay?”
“Deal!” Lily backed out and drove through the parking lot. When she successfully entered traffic, she started talking again.
“I was thinking Target. Does that sound good?”
“Sure.” Leah instantly knew Lily was unhappy with her lack of enthusiasm.
“You are allowed to enjoy it, you know.” Lily sounded serious. “Just because you are single and, you know, the circumstances or whatever . . . You can still hold your head up and be proud. A baby is a blessing.”
“I know. I am.”
“Are you?”
“Yes! I literally love this baby more than anything. This is what I’ve wanted for years. I’m really happy.” Leah meant every word and also an unsaid “but” was obvious.
She sighed.
“And I am also sad it’s not how I planned it. That’s true too. But it’s not about that, not completely. You know I don’t like people all up in my business anyway. That would always be the same, regardless of the other stuff. I don’t even know if that makes sense. Blah, I used words,” Leah waved her hand vaguely, chuckling at herself.
“I think I actually followed that.” Lily laughed too and the mood lightened considerably.
Leah breathed a sigh of relief.
“You still have to register. And I’m throwing you a baby shower.” Lily took one hand off the steering wheel and held it up to stop her from interrupting. “I’ll keep it small but people will need guidance or you’ll get a dozen receiving blankets. Trust me. Your work will probably do something for you too. This way they won’t be flying blind and you will actually get something useful. I know what I’m talking about.”
As office manager, it was usually Leah’s job to organize group gifts or showers. She had no idea if anyone else in the office would have a clue. But if she casually mentioned a registry to one of the more capable ladies . . .
“Dang it, I hate when you’re right.”
Lily smiled triumphantly.
Two hours and three trips to the bathroom later, neither sister was smiling but both were content and glad the task was accomplished. Leah had scanned items she had never seen before in her life. Lily would say “trust me” and Leah did. They covered everything from pacifiers to playpens, and everything in between.
By the time they made it home, Leah was totally worn out. Lily hugged her and sent her straight up to bed. Leah managed to wrangle herself into clean pajamas. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and used the bathroom (again).
Leah fell into bed exhausted but happy. She snuggled under her covers and instantly drifted off to sleep.
She found herself facing a closed door. Not just any door. Cade’s bedroom door. The hallway was dark and the whole house was silent. The deep silence you can only experience in the middle of the night. Leah was afraid to move in case it would make a sound.
After several long moments, she reached out and touched the door knob. A charge of static electricity shocked her as if the door itself did not want her to enter. The sound was loud in the quiet hall. Leah pulled her hand back and shook it a few times, psyching herself up to try again.
This time she fully grasped the knob. She tensed as she tried to turn it. Her heart beat faster at the idea of seeing Cade again. What would she say? What would he do? Panic bubbled inside her.
The knob did not turn.
The door was locked.
Leah released the knob and stepped back. The floor squeaked as she made her retreat. She cringed and stepped cautiously.
Turning, Leah walked down the hallway. There were multiple closed doors. She stopped outside Liam’s bedroom and tried his knob. It was also locked. Leah did not bother with Sky’s door or the bathroom.
She wandered further and entered the living room. Leah took in the mess. It looked neglected. Like they either did not have time to clean or had given up. It made her incredibly sad. She quietly gathered up empty cups and other items she could return to the kitchen. She threw away napk
ins and obvious trash. Leah shelved books and movies, then put away several toys.
Anything she could do that was quiet, Leah did. She fluffed and straightened the throw pillows before picking up the afghan. Leah held it closely and breathed in the familiar scent. Her eyes suddenly burned with unshed tears. She quickly folded the blanket and set it on the back of the couch.
Leah did not survey her work. Instead she squeezed her eyes closed and wished herself far away. She decided not dreaming at all really was better.
When she woke the next morning, Leah considered just staying in bed. It was Saturday. She had nowhere to go and no one who needed her. She sighed.
Leah felt a familiar push on her bladder. She smiled. Well, maybe “no one” was not quite accurate.
Chapter 33
“Aunt Leah, will you take us to the park again?” Emmie asked quietly.
“It’s okay if you just wanna sit and watch like last time. We don’t mind, do we?” Allison looked to her sister and Emmie nodded in agreement.
Leah had spent the majority of her Saturday morning blocking out the world by reading in the living room. It had been peacefully silent until her nieces popped up. Leah quickly considered their request. She forced herself to push aside nagging concerns about returning to the park as she tried to ignore the “what if they are there again” thoughts.
“If it’s okay with your mom and dad, sure.”
Allison cheered and Emmie tried to reign her big sister in, “Mom has a headache, ‘member?”
Allison immediately looked guilty.
“What’s this noise?” Robert popped his head into the room with a scowl.
Maybe getting the girls out of the house was a really good idea.
The girls looked back and forth between the adults but neither spoke. Robert waited for an answer. He looked grumpy. No wonder the girls fell silent.
“Stop bothering your aunt. Go play downstairs quietly,” he pointed.
“Actually . . . I’m going to take them out,” Leah’s mind was made up.