Finding Home with You

by Claire Raye

  It’s why I left, and it’s why I’ve had no contact with anyone from my past. It’s why I keep it all a well-guarded secret.

  I pull away from Ryan slightly and smile at him, but it’s forced and the look on his face tells me he doesn’t buy it. He opens his mouth to say something, yet as he does, Finn walks in and heads right for us.

  “Hey, Finn,” I call, giving him a smile and as he approaches I feel the knot in my stomach loosen as I let out a sigh of relief.

  “How’s it going, Erin?” he asks, leaning in to kiss my cheek and I catch a glimpse of Ryan out of the corner of my eye and have to suppress the laugh that wants to escape. He’s fuming and I can see his cheeks flush red as he takes a step closer to both of us.

  “All good here. You?”

  “Just trying to avoid the crowd by showing up late, you know.”

  I let out a small chuckle knowing Finn is avoiding all the single women in Rockport. He’s like Rockport’s most eligible bachelor and he absolutely hates it. It’s not hard to see why though. Finn is absolutely stunning, especially in that uniform. He’s all hard muscle, chiseled face with the perfect amount of stubble, and he’s ridiculously tall. He just looks like he would be amazing in the sack.

  “You need to find yourself a nice townie girl and settle down,” I say sarcastically, patting him on the chest.

  “I’m doing just fine, Erin,” he quips back, his tone playful.

  “With what? Sleeping with tourists?”

  “Yep, then I don’t ever have to see them again.” He winks at me and I laugh a little, shaking my head. “Well, I gotta go find the birthday boy. Have a great night.”

  “Later, Finn,” I respond, but when I turn back to Ryan I can’t help but laugh out loud. He looks completely ridiculous with his hands on his hips and his eyes wide.

  “Have a great night. How’s it going, Erin,” Ryan mocks Finn’s words back to me, his tone condescending.

  “Seriously?” is the only the thing I can say in response, my tone annoyed almost immediately. “You’re such a child, Ryan.” I roll my eyes and start to walk away from him, but he grabs my wrist, pulling me back.

  “What the fuck is going on with you and him?” Ryan demands, gesturing toward Finn as he makes his way across the bar.

  “Ryan, come on. You can’t be serious.” I’m now fully pissed off. At first it was comical, but now it’s just ridiculous.

  “I’m dead fucking serious, Erin,” he growls and suddenly I hate this possessive side of him. It reminds me of my father and my ex all rolled into one and I want to punch him in the throat.

  “Listen,” I hiss through clenched teeth, “You’re going to embarrass yourself.”

  “Embarrass myself?” he retorts, pompously. “You’re the one throwing yourself at Finn in front of me.”

  This time I do laugh out loud and tug my wrist out of his grasp. Storming away from him, I head for the exit. I will not allow Ryan to ruin Beck’s birthday with a bullshit argument in a room full of people.

  I shove my hands into the door, flinging it open where the cold air hits my face and for a second it calms me. But that ends immediately when I hear Ryan yell my name and suddenly he’s standing right in front of me.

  “Erin,” he growls. “Don’t you fucking walk away from me.”

  Again I’m laughing, but this time it’s to keep me from losing my shit and screaming full force at him.

  “You don’t own me, Ryan Summers!” I scream in his face, my finger poking him in the chest. “You don’t get to control me. I won’t go through that again and if you think it’s going to happen, you can get fucked.” After I’ve said my piece, I head for the car, but I can hear the gravel crunching under Ryan’s feet as he follows me and yells my name again.

  “Erin! Stop!”

  “No!” I yell over my shoulder, opening the car door, ready to leave. I thought Ryan was different, better than this, but obviously I was wrong.

  Ryan reaches me before I can close the car door, jamming his body between the door, so I can’t close it. He squats down, his face level with mine and runs his hand through his hair. I can see the guilt on his face, and feel the exhale of his warm breath on my cheek as he leans in closer.

  “I’m sorry, Erin,” he says quietly, his fingertips running down my cheek. “I’ve just…” He trails off and I turn to face him, my feet planted on the ground, my legs outside of the car now.

  I want to trust Ryan, I want to know that everything he says to me is true, but I’ve been here before. I’ve been taken advantage of; cheated on and lied to, and found myself wrapped up in something I had no interest in being a part of. I can’t let it happen again.

  Ryan sucks in a deep breath and again exhales hard. “I’ve never done this before. And I don’t mean the arguing,” he adds and laughs a little as we both know this is kind of our thing. “The whole relationship thing, the jealous thing. I’ve never had someone that made me want to feel…” and again he trails off, pausing for a second to find his words. “Possessive?” he says questioning his words. “I didn’t like it.”

  “Neither did I,” I say back. “Finn and I are friends. We have been for years. Don’t you think if I wanted to sleep with Finn I would have already?” I question him, knowing how stupid his jealous rages looks now. “I’ve lived in Rockport since I was eighteen. Finn has always been single.” I swallow hard and add quietly, “And so have I.”

  “I want to say it won’t happen again, but I have no idea,” Ryan responds. “I’ve never done this before. I guess we’re both new to this whole relationship thing,” he adds, slipping his body in between my legs.

  I want to tell him that while I have been single for a while, I’m not new to this controlling, jealous relationship thing. It’s why I haven’t been in a relationship for years. But I can’t tell him, because telling him means I have to tell the whole story, and that’s something I’m not ready to face. It’s something I still haven’t come to terms with.

  Ryan leans up to kiss me and I kiss him back, but when he pulls away he asks, “What did you mean when you said that you wouldn’t go through that again?”

  I cock my head to the side, acting like I’m not sure what he’s talking about, but I know exactly what I said.

  “When you said that you won’t be controlled by me, you added that you won’t go through that again,” Ryan adds, clarifying his last question.

  “I don’t know,” say shrugging my shoulders. “I was just pissed off, spewing shit out of my mouth without thinking.”

  I can tell he doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t push it. There’s going to come a time when it all doesn’t add up. He’s not stupid; he’s a cop for fuck’s sake.

  It’s easy to explain away a new phone number or how I paid cash for my house, but things will eventually get more complicated than that, if they haven’t already.

  “I think we should go back inside,” Ryan says, taking my hand in his. I follow him, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m making a big mistake by getting Ryan involved in my disaster of a life.

  Neither one of us knows how to navigate this relationship thing and to make it worse, he has no idea that my past could prove dangerous for both of us.

  And after the way he responded to Finn, I’m absolutely certain Ryan isn’t going to like that I’ve been sharing my bed with Finn on a semi-regular basis. But that’s a conversation for another time. No reason to upset the apple cart even more; it’s already a fucked up mess.

  Once we are back inside, Ryan grabs us a few beers and we find Beck, Kelsey and Finn. Unsurprisingly, Finn and Ryan strike up a conversation and are now fully immersed in talking about police shit with Beck.

  I knew Ryan would like Finn, and it was just a matter of time before he got over his jealousy, but I’m still not sure how he’s going to take the news that Finn has been helping me keep my father at bay.

  As much as I try to stop it, my thoughts are always consumed with
whether my father will find me; I know too much. And now swirling around in my head is the idea of how I even approach this with Ryan.

  Shaking it off, Kelsey and I make plans to meet up tomorrow and head out to this brewery for lunch. It’s a bit far, and hopefully all this drinking we’re doing right now doesn’t hinder our ability to get our asses out of bed. We confirm with the guys, who agree but also seem to have little interest in what we’ve said.

  Kelsey laughs at them knowing that neither one will remember we had this conversation.

  The night has settled into a quiet calm, and I finally begin to forget the fight Ryan and I had, and how I basically lied to him, so I grab another beer and pull Kelsey out onto the dance floor. The more I drink, the more my thoughts fade; the busier I feel, the less they control me and that’s a good thing.

  Chapter Seven

  Ryan

  The next morning I wake up sleep deprived and with a slight hangover. Rolling over I see the other half of the bed is empty and when I stop, I can hear noises coming from the kitchen, a muffled curse as something crashes to the floor. Smiling, I drag myself from bed, pulling on some sweats and a t-shirt, before walking out.

  In the kitchen, Erin is making coffee, her ass peaking out from my Red Sox shirt as she reaches up to grab some mugs. I smile as I walk toward her, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind and whispering in her ear, “Morning, baby.”

  “Hey,” she says, leaning back to kiss me before pouring us both a cup.

  “What’s the rush, Red?” I ask, pressing more kisses to her neck as I slide my hands under her shirt and up to her breasts.

  Erin swats them away. “We don’t have time, Ryan,” she says, turning in my arms. “We have to get moving.”

  I stop, pull back and look at her as I try to figure out what’s going on. I don’t think it’s related to what happened last night, the argument. After we went back inside, everything seemed to go back to normal, no one even noticed we’d even left. And even though Erin and I hadn’t talked about it any further, it didn’t affect how we were with each other. Maybe the alcohol helped, or maybe it was my admission about not knowing how to handle this.

  It was the truth too, because all of this is new to me. A relationship, wanting more, wanting everything from her. I’ve never been in this situation before. In the past, my relationships, if that’s what you can call them, have lasted on average a week or so. Most of the time I’m not interested in anything too serious, but the one or two times it’s lasted longer than a night or two, it’s always ended not long after. Most girls get tired of my job, the crazy schedule and unpredictable hours that go with it. And I guess none of the girls have made me want to change that.

  Until now.

  The thought of changing my life for this girl, for Erin, kinda scares me, so without thinking too much about what that means, I focus on the here and now asking, “What do you mean, we don’t have time? Where the hell do we have to be?”

  Erin rolls her eyes. “Beck and Kelsey’s, remember? We’re going out to the brewery today for lunch.”

  I cock my head in confusion. “We are?” I ask.

  She rolls her eyes at me again, her hands on my chest now as she tries to push me away. “Yes, we are,” she says firmly. “Obviously in your post-sex stupor after the ladies’ room trip, you totally forgot we made these plans with them.”

  My face breaks out into a grin. “Come on, you gotta admit, the ladies’ room was pretty hot.”

  This earns me a tiny smile from her and I’m glad neither of us is bringing up the argument that came after. “Yes, yes, I was amazing,” she says, pushing me again. “And so were you. But right now, we’re running really late on account of the fact you also kept me up all night when we got home,” she adds, one eyebrow raised as though I’m one of the kids in her classroom and she’s telling me off for my behavior.

  I can’t stop grinning as I picture her in this role. Tight skirt, blouse that has enough buttons open that I can get a good look at her tits. Maybe her reading glasses on and definitely a ruler in her hand as she stands there, debating whether I deserve a smack across the ass for whatever it is I’ve done wrong.

  “What?” she asks, her brows scrunched as she watches me.

  “Nothing,” I say, smiling as I lean in to kiss her.

  “Ryan,” she says, teacher voice back in place. “We don’t have time.”

  “Oh, but Miss Connelly,” I say, smiling as I start walking us backward to the bedroom. “We always have time for this.”

  Erin fights a smile now as she gives in and slides her hands under my t-shirt, her nails digging into my skin. “You are a naughty, naughty boy, Ryan Summers,” she says, lifting my shirt over my head.

  “I know,” I tell her. “And I think I need to be punished.” And then I pick her up and sling her over my shoulder, laughing as she smacks me hard on the ass.

  Two hours later and we’re finally pulling up to Beck and Kelsey’s place. The front door opens before we have a chance to knock and I see Kelsey shoot us a glare before pulling us both in for a quick hug.

  “I know, I know,” Erin says before Kelsey has a chance to say anything. “We’re late, I know. But it’s his fault,” she adds on, jerking her thumb in my direction.

  “My fault?” I ask.

  “Please,” she says, grinning at me. “You couldn’t keep your hands off me. It’s totes your fault.”

  I laugh as I pull her into my arms, planting a hard kiss on her mouth. It’s a relief to know things are normal between us again. That my over the top reaction to Finn and Erin hasn’t ruined things like it so easily could have.

  “Well, whoever’s fault it was, we need to get moving,” Kelsey says, swatting us both on the shoulder. “It’s a two hour drive to this place.”

  “Where exactly are we going?” I ask, glancing at my watch. It’s just after ten in the morning.

  “West End Pub out near Greenfield,” she tells us. “Great little pub on the river that serves good food and even better beer.”

  “Sounds good,” I say as I shake Beck’s hand and we all walk out to the car.

  “What time do you need to leave tonight?” Erin asks quietly as she and I slide into the back of Beck’s truck.

  I look over at her, see the sad smile she’s wearing. I know exactly how she’s feeling knowing our weekend together is nearly over. If I had my way, I wouldn’t be leaving at all. But I have a job in Boston waiting for me, and as much as I’d love to take the whole week off and stay up here with her, I can’t. We have a huge investigation starting up tomorrow, a potential crime ring that’s about to be broken wide open. I’m actually lucky I got this weekend off to come up here in the first place; but it seems like I’m already changing my life for this girl I’ve fallen so hard for.

  I run a thumb across her bottom lip, give her a quick smile before I say, “It’s okay, baby. I’ll stay tonight and drive back tomorrow morning.”

  “Really?” she says, a look of hope in her eyes.

  I lean in and kiss her, wishing I didn’t have to leave at all. “Really.”

  The drive out to the pub is filled with lots of chatting and laughter. Beck and Kelsey are in the middle of planning their wedding and there are an endless number of things going wrong. Between caterers who overcharge and every single person in Rockport having something to say about where they are having the ceremony, or the reception, or even their honeymoon, Kelsey is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Well that, or punching someone.

  “It’s just ridiculous,” she says, looking back at us. “Every person in this town feels the need to tell me that I shouldn’t be wearing white on account of the fact that I’m clearly not a virgin anymore.”

  Beck and I both laugh. I’ve heard the stories of how these two got busted going at it multiple times when they were kids. I’m pretty sure nothing’s changed on that front since Beck walked back into this town over five months ago.

  “Th
at’s what you get for living in a small town, baby,” he says, reaching over to squeeze her thigh.

  “I know,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest in a huff. “I’m beginning to think moving to Boston sounds like a smart idea after all.”

  Beck laughs again. “Bullshit, you love this town,” he says, glancing at her. She smiles at him and I know he’s right.

  “Don’t pretend you don’t, too,” she says, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

  “You know I do, babe,” he says.

  I turn to Erin and see she’s looking at me, instead of them. I get the feeling she hasn’t even been listening to the conversation at all. “You okay?” I ask, stretching my arm along the back of the seat so my fingers are brushing the back of her neck.

  “Yeah,” she says quietly.

  “Erin,” I say. “What’s wrong?”

  Erin glances to Beck and Kelsey now. They’re laughing about something and it’s obvious they are both over-the-moon happy. Moving back here has been good for him. Gone is the grouchy detective who carried a chip on his shoulder and refused to let anyone in. The one who lived for his job and would often be first one in and last one out of the office each night. Beck might have loved being a cop, but it’s clear that he loves Kelsey more and there is nothing even remotely close to resentment at the fact that he had to give all that up to move back here so he could be with her.

  I glance at Erin again and see she is still watching them and it suddenly dawns on me what’s going on here.

  “Baby,” I whisper, my hand on her chin and dragging her attention back to me.

  “Yeah?” she says.

  “Yesterday morning, what we talked about,” I start, wondering if she knows what I’m referring to.

  “What about it?” she asks, almost defensively as though she’s also remembering the argument from last night and the impact that had on my words.

  “I meant what I said about falling for you,” I say, my thumb running along her bottom lip. “And part of falling for you means I don’t want to even think about being with anyone else.”