by Anna Willett
The water began to cool and her skin to pucker. The thought of standing and drying herself seemed like a tremendous effort. She wished she’d thought to put the heater on downstairs.
The shrill of the buzzer startled her. Caitlin sat up in the tub and reached for a towel. Hunched over, shivering, she rubbed herself dry before flinging on a fleecy robe and rushing for the stairs. She was halfway down when the buzzer bleated out another urgent demand. The rain had stopped, the incessant drum now dwindled to irregular drips as the gutters struggled with the overflow. She clutched the robe closed and approached the door.
A figure, large and dark outlined in the glass panel. She slipped the chain across the door and swallowed before squaring her shoulders. It was no good telling herself she had nothing to fear. She of all people knew that to be a lie. There was plenty to fear, things beyond her control. But living in fear was something she did have control over.
Caitlin opened the door to find Jace, blond hair clinging to his head in damp clumps, leaning against the doorframe.
“Jace.” She couldn’t help being surprised. It had been months since he’d last dropped by and then it was only a quick, painful meeting to discuss Eli’s funeral.
“Hi. Can I come in?”
“Yes. Yes, of course.” She stepped aside and let him enter. “Do you want coffee or… How about something to eat?”
He stood in the hallway, his broad frame filling the small space. “A glass of water.”
“Okay. Come through to the kitchen.” They performed an awkward shuffling of positions. He smelled like winter nights, damp with a hint of wood smoke. It occurred to her that he was taking great care not to touch her, but she dismissed the thought. She told herself that with Eli gone, they were bound to feel a bit awkward around each other.
Jace took a seat at the table while Caitlin grabbed a glass and filled it with chilled water from the fridge. “Wow. It’s been raining most of the day. I can’t believe the change in the weather. My hands were freezing when I got home…” She knew she was babbling, trying to fill the silence with inane chatter.
After placing the glass in front of him, she moved around the table and sat opposite him. “Your hair is wet. Do you want a towel?” She was half out of her seat when he stopped her.
“No.” His tone was harsh. It made her think of Eli. “I’m fine.” He picked the glass up and took a swallow.
She sat back and put her hands in her lap. She’d known him long enough to be able to tell when there was something on his mind. It had to be about Micky. About what happened today. “I know I haven’t been around much lately–”
Caitlin felt a rush of relief, something in the way he looked at her when she opened the door set off alarm bells, but all she’d seen was guilt. “You don’t have to explain, Jace. It’s been… Well a strange time for all of us… After that night.” There it was again. Everything always came back to those dark hours. “Strange for both of us. You needed time to grieve, I understand.”
He nodded and picked up the glass, not drinking, just holding it. “Yeah. But now it’s over. We can put it all behind us.”
She’d been so focused on her own healing and what the future might hold, she hadn’t given Jace much thought. Telling herself that his parents would take care of him and all the while secretly relieved that she didn’t have to see his pain. Pain that would remind her she was supposed to be in mourning.
Caitlin reached across the table and let her hand rest on Jace’s arm. “I hope we can.”
Jace’s face softened and for an instant he was the old Jace; easy going and sunny. He put the glass down and placed his hand over hers, clamping it in place against his forearm. “You know how I feel, Cat.” He squeezed her hand, pressing her palm against his skin. “Eli’s gone, but we’re still here. We can be happy together. I can make you happy.”
Caitlin pulled her hand away unable to believe what he was saying, but the words kept tumbling out. “I could always make you laugh, remember?” He reached across the table, but Caitlin dropped her hands into her lap. “It’s okay. I’ll square things with my parents, no one is going to judge us we–”
“Stop.” The force of the word seemed to take all her strength. “Please, just stop.” Her mind was reeling. All this time she’d thought Jace was her friend. The brother she’d never had. She laughed with him, trusted him, never realising he’d been waiting for an opportunity to swoop in and… She didn’t want to think about what he hoped would happen.
“You don’t have to feel guilty. It’s over now… I don’t know if you heard.” He was looking in her direction, but not meeting her eyes. Choosing to let his focus rest somewhere over her right shoulder. “Micky was sentenced today.” He waited for her to answer, finally meeting her gaze.
He seemed to want her to say something, just what, Caitlin wasn’t sure. “I know. I was there.” He flinched and she felt a quiver of uncertainty, a measure of guilt she hadn’t expected to experience. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to hide anything. I just… There’s no easy way to explain it.”
“Explain what? What are you trying to tell me?”
Caitlin felt her fingers curling into fists. She forced herself to place her hands on the table. She noticed Jace’s gaze flicker from her face to her left hand. The urge to cover the ugly stump came and went.
“I’ve been seeing Micky.” The words were out and suddenly she became aware of her own voice. She’d rehearsed this moment in her head many times. No matter how much she prepared herself, the look of hurt in his eyes rocked her resolve. Only he wasn’t hurt for his brother as she’d expected, he was angry because she didn’t love him.
Water dripped against the window sill, the regular beat filled the silence. Caitlin pushed on, determined to finish. “It wasn’t something we planned. It just happened.” The words sounded so much like a cliché, she almost laughed. “I mean… Eli and I were having problems long before–”
“Before he was murdered?” He pushed his chair back and stood so suddenly that Caitlin shrank back in her seat. Jace gave a bitter sounding laugh. “What? You actually think I’m going to hurt you?” He turned away and stood facing the window.
“No. No. Jace, I didn’t think that. You just seem so upset.” She tried to explain herself. “I wasn’t expecting… Well, the things you said. I know this must be a bit of a shock.” She watched his back for some sign that he was listening, at least trying to understand. He remained silent so she pushed on. “I’m not doing this to hurt you, you have to understand. Micky and I… It’s different. Easy. I know it’s crazy, but I always felt like I was trying so hard to make Eli happy.” She shook her head. “It never seemed to be enough.”
Caitlin pressed her hand to her chest, steadying herself before continuing, “With good behaviour, Micky will be out in eighteen months. We’re going to take it slow.” Just thinking about a future with Micky made her pulse quicken. “Whatever feelings you have for me can’t –”
“I heard you.” His voice was throaty as if coming from somewhere deep in his chest. He kept his back turned. “That night in Blyte’s house. I heard you.”
Caitlin tried to make sense of what he was saying. She’d shut out so much of that night, details were a blur. The lines between what really happened and the feverish dreams she’d experience in hospital wound together so tightly, it was hard to recognise real memories.
“Heard what?” Even as she asked, a memory swam to the surface, poking its head into her conscious like something unnatural, a dreadful creature from the deepest ocean.
He turned and faced her. “He asked you to choose who got to live.”
Caitlin wished she could cover her ears, but it was too late. She couldn’t wipe the memory from her mind or the anger and pain off Jace’s face.
“Jace.” She gripped the edge of the table. “Please. I don’t want to think about what happened.” Suddenly the room seemed too small for the two of them. The air was stale and dry in her mouth. She wanted him to stop
talking, leave and never come back. Seeing him reminded her of a half-forgotten version of herself. Someone she didn’t want to be anymore. “There’s nothing to be gained by going over things we can’t change.” She could hear her voice rising.
“You were screaming.” His usually sunny-blue eyes were dark, threaded with red veins as if he’d been drinking too much and not sleeping. “I ran for the back door.” He gave another humourless laugh. “I was desperate to get to you, save you. Protect you from Felix. I would have run in front of a bullet.” He held up his arms and stepped forward. “That’s the funny part, because you chose Micky. Felix asked you who gets to live and you chose him. My brother wasn’t even cold and you were moving on.” He dropped his arms, hands slapping against his legs. “I heard the words coming out of your mouth and I couldn’t believe I’d spent so many years–”
“That’s enough.” She slammed her hand on the table. “You’re not angry because I’m moving on from Eli.” Jace took a step back. “You’re mad because I don’t want to be with you.” As the words came out, everything began to make sense. The lengths Jace had gone to get her and Eli to go away with him for the weekend. The way he sided with her against his own brother. Caitlin felt herself cringe at the betrayal.
She pushed away from the table and stood. “I’m sorry I said what I did. I can’t explain it. I won’t try.” Her voice sounded stronger. Maybe stronger than it had ever been. “I don’t want to hurt you. But none of us are without guilt. We all played a part in what happened that night and now we have to live with it.”
Jace’s eyes were brimming with tears. “This is how you live with it?” His voice was low, almost a growl. “By letting the man that got Eli killed crawl into your bed?”
“You’re the one that put us in that house.” She heard her own voice rising, it sounded bitter and hard, as if coming from a stranger. “All this time I thought you did it out of kindness. I believed you were trying to help Eli and I fix our marriage.” She shook her head and stepped around the table. Jace winced as if her words were blows pelting him like fists. “You’re the one that got Eli killed, not Micky. You.” She held up her mutilated hand. “Look.” Jace grimaced and tried to look away. “I live with the scars and the memories, I won’t apologise for moving on with my life. For trying to find happiness.”
“Cat, please.”
“Don’t call me that.” She straightened her back. “I think you should go.” Part of her wanted to wrap her arms around him. Beg for his forgiveness. Say anything so they could go back to how things used to be between them. But another, deeper fragment, knew they could never go back because whatever had existed between them was an illusion. That part of her life died one night, five months ago.
Jace swiped at his eyes with the balls of his hands. He opened his mouth to speak. She braced herself for his anger, but instead he turned and walked out of the kitchen. She heard his footsteps, heavy and swift in the hallway. The front door opened then clanked back into its lock.
Caitlin sat down and stared at the half empty glass of water left unfinished on the table. All she felt for Jace was pity. He’d lost his brother, and whatever misguided hopes he’d had for a future with her were smashed. She’d cared for him, loved him in a way. So much unhappiness, so much loss.
The rain started again, softer now, more like a gentle shower than the angry deluge of earlier that evening. Her thoughts turned to Micky. He’d most likely be in a cell, staring at blank walls. She wrapped her arms around herself wishing he was with her now, imagining what it would be like to listen to the rain together.
The next eighteen months would be hard. For Micky, the time would be almost unbearable, especially so soon after the loss of his mother. The thought of him stoically enduring his sentence pulled at her soul trying to drag her downwards like the rushing waters of the runnel at the back of Micky’s house.
Caitlin ran her fingers through her hair and stood. Too weary to be bothered changing into her pyjamas, she began preparing her meal. She wasn’t hungry, but she would eat. She would get through tonight and so would Micky. They would get through every night until they were together again. It wouldn’t be winter forever.
THE END
Other titles by Anna Willett
Paige and her husband Hal are on a babymoon, a romantic holiday before their child is born. When misfortune strikes and Hal is injured, they are left stranded in the wilderness. Paige finds two women who offer to help. But when they turn nasty, how far will she have to go to protect her unborn child?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01GOUPBI0/
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http://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B01GOUPBI0/
Milly thinks that her sister’s invitation to go hiking in the Outback is a chance to heal old wounds. Think again Milly. But what greets them in the wilderness is far more than the humiliation her sister had prepared. It is a confrontation with her worst fears.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01M73JK71/
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M73JK71/
http://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B01M73JK71/
A reunion with her friend, Rhetty, in a sleazy bar triggers a series of disturbing flashbacks for Gloria: events that occurred four years previously when a woman they’d met was killed. Rhetty encourages Gloria to visit the site where the woman died. Gloria is compelled to go along to understand the strange memories that are beginning to re-emerge. But doing so will put her in danger and force her to confront an awful episode in her past.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B079YVRSR5
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B079YVRSR5
http://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B079YVRSR5
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