The Life She Was Given

by Ellen Marie Wiseman

  Lilly nodded.

  * * *

  After showing Lilly the breadlines, the hobos, and Danvers State, and making sure she understood what would happen to her if she misbehaved, Merrick allowed her to walk the lot alone in the evening, when the shows and concession stands were shut down and the big top was empty. But only if the train wasn’t loading up to move on to the next destination, and they were far enough away from the nearest village so the townies wouldn’t see her for free. Glory thought it would be a good time for Lilly to start making new friends, because once the business of the day was over, everyone was ready to unwind and have fun. Maybe she could visit Mrs. Benini, or ask Penelope to introduce her to Elizabeth Webb’s children. But Lilly had other plans. She wanted to find the animal tents, or what Merrick and Glory called the menagerie.

  On her first night of freedom, after Merrick and Glory took a cab into town to go to a club, she stepped out of the sleeper car wearing a pleated dress and black Mary Janes—one of several outfits from the Monday man. The sun was setting in the August sky, coloring the clouds purple and pink and orange, and the first stars appeared in the distance. Crickets chirped in the long, dry grass surrounding the dusty lot, and the dark shapes of birds flitted through the dimming light. It felt strange and a little scary to be outside without Glory or Merrick, so she stayed near the car for a few minutes to build up her courage.

  Outside the neighboring passenger car, four men in polo shirts and pressed trousers set up a table and chairs while a pretty blonde came down the steps carrying a deck of cards and two bottles of brown liquid that looked like whiskey. Another woman called out from an open window to ask how many glasses they needed. The men and women were thin and beautiful and graceful, like the ballerinas Lilly used to read about in her books. Glory said they were the trapeze artists.

  When Lilly felt brave enough, she moved away from the car and made her way along the length of the train. After passing the trapeze artists and another passenger car, she stopped to pet three goats nibbling on weeds near a telephone pole. Were they the goats from the boxcar where Merrick had locked her in a cage? Had they heard her screaming and crying? One of the goats lifted its head and rubbed its face against her hip, then went back to eating. Another came over and nibbled gently on the edge of her dress, wagging its short tail. The third one sniffed her shoes and socks and legs, then licked her hand with its scratchy tongue. It was almost as if they were saying, yes, we know who you are.

  Glory said the goats were allowed to wander the lot during off hours because, according to Mr. Barlow, they brought good luck. She also said circus people believed the color green and whistling in the dressing tent were bad luck, a bird flying into the big top meant death for a performer, and the trapeze artists and tightrope walkers sewed crosses into their costumes to keep from falling. Lilly wondered what Momma would think of the circus performers using crosses that way. Momma said people were put on earth to serve God, not the other way around. So why did the performers think He would keep them safe?

  Thinking of Momma made her stomach hurt, so she pushed her from her mind, gave the goats another scratch, and kept going. What seemed like a thousand different noises floated out the open train windows, each sound changing and blending into the next as she passed, until it faded and dissolved all together—a tinny voice on a radio, someone singing, people arguing, a harmonica, a man yelling, a dog barking, coins clinking, laughter, clapping, triumphant shouting.

  Farther along the tracks, a scratchy, up-tempo tune came from the open doorway of a boxcar, the loudest music Lilly had heard so far. She slowed. Was someone having a party? Dolly the World’s Most Beautiful Fat Woman and Penelope the Singing Midget sat on wooden crates inside the boxcar, laughing and fanning themselves with paper fans. Wearing a feathered headband and a sequined blouse, Dina the Living Half Girl smoked a cigarette on top of an overturned wine barrel while talking to Spear the Living Skeleton. Ruby and Rosy laughed and danced with Aldo the Alligator Man, and two midgets, all four drinking from brown bottles. The twins wore long, beaded necklaces, grass skirts, and nothing else, their bare breasts bouncing up and down in time with the music. Lilly dropped her eyes and walked faster, hoping no one noticed her.

  A gathering of men in dirty clothes huddled some distance from the train, smoking and passing around bottles. Inside another open boxcar, a dwarf sang and played a miniature guitar while Hester the Monkey Girl laughed and watched Magnus the World’s Ugliest Man trying to teach his dog to play dead. Stubs the Smallest Man in the World sat on the lap of Belinda the Woman with Two Bodies and One Head, a hardcover book in his tiny hands. Hester caught sight of Lilly and called out, asking her to join them. Lilly smiled, shook her head, and kept going.

  For some reason, she wanted to be with the animals more than the people. She couldn’t describe how she felt about the animals or why she had such a strong need to see them, because she didn’t understand it herself. But it was one of the reasons she was brave enough to venture out for the first time on her own. Maybe she was drawn to them because they understood what it was like to be locked up, with no control over what happened next. Maybe it was because her cat was the only one who had never let her down. Or maybe her love of animals was part of who she was, like the way her left foot turned in slightly, the way her fingers were long and thin, and the way her skin was white as snow. Whatever the cause, seeing the baby elephant and the other animals was the only thing she cared about right now.

  When she finally reached the animal tent, she slowed, suddenly unsure. What if someone yelled at her for being there? What if they told her to go away and not come back? Then she remembered nearly everyone was done for the day, resting up for tomorrow and relaxing in boxcars and open tents, looking for relief from the heat. Hopefully, no one would be inside the menagerie at this hour.

  She took a deep breath and slipped in through a side flap, staying close to the shadows. On the other side of the tent, the elephants loomed large and gray, like dark mountains against the canvas. Across from the elephants, zebras, horses, and giraffes stood behind low ropes, sleeping or chewing hay. Camels and llamas lay in a circular bed of straw in the center of the tent, and wagon dens with lions, chimps, and bears lined one wall. The sweet-sour tang of hay and animal dung filled the air, and the only sounds were munching, snorting, thumping, and shuffling.

  With every sense on high alert, Lilly slowly moved through the aisle and approached the elephants, stepping as lightly and quietly as she could until she reached the first one. She tilted her head back to stare up at the massive creature. It gazed down at her with amber eyes, a low, rumbling noise vibrating deep in its throat, like the loud purr of a colossal cat. The elephant was mottled and gray, wrinkled and cracked and furrowed from the top of its head to its enormous legs and platter-sized feet. Its toenails were as big as potatoes. Dark swathes of green ran across its ears and knees, like the mold on the bars outside Lilly’s old bedroom window. Black hairs and deep ridges lined its trunk, and the tops of its ears looked thick and rubbery, then grew thinner and thinner until the bottoms resembled a tattered old leaf.

  The only thing between Lilly and the elephant was a rope, hanging across the front of the two-sided stall. A heavy chain wrapped around the elephant’s back ankle, then attached to a thick stake in the ground. Looking up at the powerful beast, the walled-in feeling of being locked in her room returned, and the heavy, horrible ache of missing home. The sensations were so strong they nearly brought her to her knees. It was almost as if she could feel the elephant’s misery, like she had with the lion, except this time, there was something else too, something that felt like tenderness. Was it possible that this powerful animal cared about people, even after everything they had done to it, even after they had caged it, tied it in ropes and chains, and forced it to perform? Lilly’s eyes grew moist. More than anything, she wanted to go into the stall and comfort the elephant, to stroke its head and explain she understood what if felt like to be held prisoner, and to s
till love someone who hurt you. But she didn’t dare.

  She moved along the front of the stalls to the second elephant, which seemed even bigger than the first. This one looked half-asleep, its long lashes drooping, its eyes almost closed. She kept going and stopped in front of the third elephant, lying on its side in the straw. Next to it, the baby elephant stood picking at a pile of hay with the end of its little trunk. Lilly gasped quietly and put a hand over her mouth. The baby was even more beautiful up close. When it saw her, it lifted its trunk and reached toward her, a fingerlike lip at the end of its trunk wiggling and moving. Lilly smiled and held out her hand, hoping the baby would come closer. But there was a chain around its hind leg and it couldn’t move forward. Suddenly, the mother elephant startled, sat up, and leapt to her feet faster than Lilly thought possible. Lilly scrambled backward, her heart racing.

  “Hey!” a voice yelled, and a boy tumbled between the mother’s tree-sized legs and fell in the straw between her feet.

  It was the boy she had seen with the baby elephant on her first day, the one who waved at her and wanted to help when Merrick dragged her away from the freak show. He scrambled to his feet. When he saw Lilly, his eyes went wide.

  “What the hell are you doing in here?” he said.

  Heat climbed up Lilly’s cheeks. She thought about running, but she was spellbound by the elephants and didn’t want to leave. Before she could decide what to do, the baby elephant reached for her again. The mother held the baby back with her trunk, keeping her eyes on Lilly and trying to push the baby behind her. She looked like the same elephant Lilly had seen tied to ropes in the half-open barn, the one the men were trying to teach new tricks. The boy came out from beneath the mother elephant and put a hand on her giant, wrinkled leg.

  “It’s okay, Pepper,” he said to the mother elephant. “Back. Get back, girl.”

  Pepper stepped backward and grumbled, a deep, vibrating sound in her throat. Then she lowered her head and checked to make sure her baby was okay, examining its ears and legs and belly with her trunk.

  “That’s it,” the boy said. “Steady, girl. Steady.” He patted Pepper’s leg, then moved toward Lilly, frowning and brushing straw from his clothes. “What are you doing in here?” he said again, this time with less irritation.

  She swallowed, searching for the right words. Would he get her in trouble, or would he be nice? Maybe he was wishing he’d never waved at her, now that he’d seen her up close. “I-I just wanted to see the elephants,” she said.

  He put his hands on his hips. “You know these are wild animals, right? They can be dangerous. You can’t just come in here whenever you want.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, and turned to leave.

  “Wait,” he said.

  She faced him again. To her surprise, he was grinning.

  “I thought you came in here to see the elephants?”

  She gave him a weak smile, relief washing through her.

  “You want to meet them up close?” he said.

  She nodded.

  “Well, come on, then,” he said. “Crawl under the rope.”

  Quivering with excitement and nerves, Lilly did as she was told. When she was on the other side, she stayed close to the rope.

  The boy patted the mother elephant’s leg. “This is Pepper. She’s five tons of pure talent.” He gestured for Lilly to move closer and she edged forward. “Pepper, someone is here to meet you.” Pepper gazed down at Lilly, the baby huddled between her legs, her giant ears fanning back and forth. “Steady, girl,” the boy said. Then, to Lilly, “Put out your hand.”

  Lilly extended her hand and Pepper reached out with her trunk, the rubbery, fingerlike lip tracing the inside of Lilly’s palm. Lilly could hardly believe what was happening. Her heart raced with excitement. Pepper sniffed Lilly’s fingers as if checking to see if she could be trusted, then lifted her trunk, whooshed it past Lilly’s face, and snuffled her cheek. Lilly grinned and shivered, trying not to move. Then Pepper grasped Lilly’s thumb with her trunk and shook it, and Lilly laughed.

  “She likes you,” the boy said.

  Speechless, Lilly couldn’t stop smiling.

  “Guess how old she is,” the boy said.

  Lilly shrugged. “Ten?”

  “Nope, she’s thirty-four.”

  Pepper let go of Lilly’s thumb and opened her mouth in what looked like a smile. The baby came out from between her legs and Pepper started to sway, keeping time with the movement of her trunk. The boy urged the baby forward and told Lilly to come closer. Lilly hesitated and looked up at Pepper, unsure.

  “Don’t worry,” the boy said. “They trust me. My father is the boss elephant man, the supervisor of the pachyderms. He can shoe horses, drive a ten-horse team, lay out a canvas, and clown if he has to, but mostly he takes care of the bulls. He feeds them, waters them, and checks for injuries and sickness. He helps the trainer and the veterinarian too.”

  Lilly raised her brows. “Pachyderms?”

  “A pachyderm is an elephant.”

  “Your father takes care of bulls too? I didn’t know there were cows in the circus.”

  He laughed. “No, we call the elephants bulls. Doesn’t matter if they’re girls or boys.”

  “Oh,” Lilly said. She had to think about that. She edged toward the baby and placed a gentle hand on its wide gray head. Short black hairs bristled from the top of its forehead like a stiff brush. Lilly’s heart filled with wonder and delight and something that felt like joy. Her cheeks hurt from smiling so much. She never thought she’d have the chance to touch a real, live elephant, let alone a baby elephant.

  “This is JoJo,” the boy said.

  The baby curled his trunk around Lilly’s arm and pulled her closer. She laughed again.

  “Wow,” the boy said. “He really likes you!”

  Lilly ran her free hand over the outer edge of JoJo’s ear, amazed at the warmth and softness of his thick skin. The boy rubbed JoJo’s temples and forehead.

  “They like to be petted here,” he said. “And on their trunk.”

  Lilly rubbed JoJo’s trunk, which was still wrapped around her arm, then ran her hand up and down between his eyes.

  “All right, JoJo,” the boy said. “That’s enough. Let her go.”

  The baby unfurled its trunk and moved beneath his mother, rubbing its little ears on her legs. Lilly couldn’t take her eyes off of him.

  “Come on,” the boy said. “I’ll introduce you to the others.” He slipped beneath the rope and made his way over to the next elephant. Lilly followed.

  “This is Petunia, she’s twenty-four,” the boy said. “And the one on the end is Flossie, JoJo’s aunt. She’s the oldest of the group at sixty-three, and the biggest. Mr. Barlow claims she’s three inches bigger than Jumbo.” He grinned at Lilly. “And I’m Cole.”

  She glanced down at her shoes. “I’m Lilly.”

  “Nice to meet you, Lilly.” He kicked stray piles of hay closer to Flossie, then rubbed her trunk.

  What is he thinking? she wondered. Is he going to ask why I’m so white and how I ended up in the circus? “So what were you . . .” she started. “Why were you laying in the hay with Pepper and JoJo?”

  He shrugged. “I like to be with them. It helps me think. Sometimes my father lets me sleep in their stock car.”

  Lilly’s eye grew wide. “They don’t step on you?”

  He shook his head. “Naw, they’re used to me.”

  “You’re lucky.” She slipped under the rope and moved closer to Flossie. “I just wish they didn’t . . .”

  “Didn’t what?”

  “I wish they didn’t have to be chained.”

  Cole frowned. “I know, but my dad says it’s for their own good.” He ducked beneath Flossie to scratch her belly. “If they got loose and got in trouble, who knows what would happen. Someone might hurt them. People get mad at animals for acting like animals all the time.”

  Something cold and sad twisted in Lilly’s chest. Momm
a said the bars on her bedroom window were there for her own good too, and Merrick said if she ran away someone would hurt her because of the color of her skin, something that wasn’t her fault. It seemed like she had more in common with the circus animals than the people. No wonder she could feel their pain.

  “If you want, you can come see the elephants whenever I’m here,” Cole said. “Just don’t let Mr. Barlow or the trainers catch you.”

  Lilly couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Really?”

  “Sure. Just stay away from the other animals. I haven’t spent as much time with them, so I’m not sure which ones to trust.”

  She fought the urge to jump up and down, glad he was still scratching Flossie so he wouldn’t see her excited grin. “Okay. Thanks.”

  Just then, the tent entrance flapped open and someone came into the menagerie. Lilly stood rooted to the ground, trying to decide if she should run or hide under the elephant with Cole.

  “Hey!” a man yelled. He marched toward her, his face angry. “What are you doing in here?”

  Cole scrambled out from beneath Flossie, crawled under the rope, and stood in the aisle. “It’s okay, Dad,” he said. “She’s my friend.”

  Lilly felt a strange flutter in her belly. Cole had called her his friend. And he said she could spend more time with the elephants. It seemed almost too good to be true.

  CHAPTER 12

  JULIA

  The day after going into the den and finding the locked drawer and her high school photo on her father’s desk, Julia made her way up to the third floor, hoping to find a way into the attic. She needed to figure out how the rats were getting in before the infestation got any worse. With Mother’s keys on her belt loop, she hurried up the second flight of stairs, something she hadn’t done since she was a little girl, when she used to stomp up and down the steps to see how many times she could get away with it before Mother scolded her for forgetting the third floor was off limits.