by Danae Ayusso
Giovanni chuckled. “Point made. The tiny woman was terrifying and fought all the way to the end.”
That was true.
Our bisnonna, great grandmother on Papà side of the family tree, came stateside after Papà died. She was terrifying; spit at those that looked at her wrong, carried a knife or ten on her at all times, was opinionated, cursed like a drunken sailor in many languages, refused to speak English unless she was making sure whoever she was chewing their butts understood so nothing was lost in translation, and enjoyed terrifying the locals. I made it a point to not invoke my terrifying bisnonna. It wasn’t because I didn’t love and respect her. It was the opposite of that. She was one of a kind and not trying to mirror her and the piss and vinegar she was made of helped to keep her memory alive in my heart.
“I’ll think about it, but I make no promises,” I conceded and Giovanni offered a small smile.
That was the best he was going to get and he knew it.
Not entirely sure what to do or where to go, I headed home with my floating blanky.
After I buried my brother back in Usk when he was barley eighteen, he had been by my side. I’m sure he’s a ghost or something, or I’m crazy, which was a good possibility after everything that just happened I had to be completely insane to accept it! Either way, I couldn’t handle it without my brother, even if he’s just in my head, forever would I be grateful for the psychosis brought on by his death. I hadn’t told anyone, not even my mother, but I think a part of her knew who it was I was talking to in the middle of the night.
“Am I a vampire?” I asked the obvious.
Giovanni made a face. “Do you feel like one?”
I glared at him and he smiled wide. “How in the heck am I supposed to know what one feels like?! Am I supposed to sparkle or something?”
He roared with laughter, holding his stomach as he did.
I missed that laugh.
“What do you know so far that would suggest that you were a vampire other than the body glitter thing?” he clarified. “Which hasn’t been confirmed or disproven yet,” he said the latter sounding suspicious.
I tried to keep from giggling.
“I really don’t like you,” I informed him.
“You’re a terrible liar, Shawny.”
“I know,” I huffed; I couldn’t lie to save my life! “Fine. I was bitten, buried alive, possibly swapped blood with the more annoying of the two, then I know I swapped blood with the really hot one-”
“Ew.”
“Shut up,” I groaned. “You know what I mean.”
“No, that’s news to me, Sis. You were in a church. I can’t go in there.”
I looked at him. “What do you mean?”
Of course Giovanni shrugged.
That was his go-to answer for everything when he knew less than I did.
“I hope you don’t make it a habit to suck on strange men,” he scolded then grossed out. “That sounded so much better in my head.”
I nodded my agreement. “Ew and ew. I don’t plan on sucking on either of them again, in any form.”
“Ew!” he complained. “Stop. That’s nasty… Where are we going?”
I shrugged. “Home,” I said. “But home feels as if it’s ten blocks behind us.”
Giovanni nodded. “Perhaps that’s because it’s now your home, for now.”
Stubborn, I shook my head. “No, I will live where I want to live, and where I’m wanted,” I reminded him. “Even if it’s a hole in South Seattle that I can barely afford, it’s mine. I pay for it, my name is on that lease, thus I have control over it and who’s allowed in there. It’s my sanctuary. If Jessica was telling the truth, somehow that annoying, controlling jerk entered my sanctuary without my permission, he violated it and me, in essence, and… I don’t know what else, Polpetto, but I’m sure there’s a lot more. What in the heck am I supposed to do?” I asked, rubbing the side of my neck.
Now it was his turn, he shook his head, walking with his hands in his pockets. “Does it hurt?”
“No, not really. It’s tingly still and tender, but not anything to complain about really. I’m a vampire, aren’t I?”
“Possibly… Most likely… It might have happened,” he said, sounding as unsure as I did on the subject. “You really should have gotten the manual or Vampires for Dummies before storming off barefooted down the sidewalk like a bitch on a mission in only your underwear-”
“Someone else’s underwear,” I corrected.
“Ew and ew,” he said, making a face. “I hope they weren’t dirty. That’s just a whole higher level of nasty.”
I rolled my eyes; my brother was such a brat.
“Not nearly as nasty as the fact I’m not the one that put them on me,” I retorted.
Giovanni’s eyes narrowed.
“Exactly,” I said and we walked in silence.
The entire situation was completely unbelievable, and yet I was strangely accepting of all of it.
Sure, the getting attacked, bitten, buried alive, left for dead, kidnapped, held hostage, assaulted a few times, and force fed blood was a whole higher level of no one will ever be accepting of that, but I was. The underwear thing and being thrown out in them was even more irritating, but it wasn’t irritation towards Andrei or Luka… Okay, there was tons of irritation towards Luka, but that was a given. I think I was irritated at them as much as I was, irritated at Andrei specifically, because I knew he was solely responsible for it. And without him saying it, I knew he’s the one that violated my sanctuary and looted it, in essence.
The handsome creature was way too much of a control freak to not have been the one responsible for it.
But why? Why would you not want to keep me as far away from you as possible if I’m nothing more than an annoying little girl that gets on your nerves and you want to throttle? It doesn’t make any dang sense! Andrei doesn’t make sense. Ugh!
Yes, the place I was just thrown out of was beautiful and beyond words. And yes, it felt like home for some reason. But it wasn’t my home…
“That’s the first place that has ever felt like home,” I whispered, coming to a stop in front of my apartment building.
Giovanni looked at me. “What do you mean?”
“Usk never felt like home to either of us, you know that. Papà was the one that dragged us there when he retired from the Airforce. He wanted to go home, but it was never home to us. After you died, it felt more like a prison than a home. It wasn’t just because-”
“Don’t,” he interrupted. “Don’t you dare say that monster’s name! Don’t even think it, Shawny. I should have killed him before the Goddess took back that stolen breath. That’s the only regret I have in my very short life.”
I shook my head; murder was never the answer. “Agree to disagree,” I whispered when he tried to wipe away the tear that rolled down my cheek for me, but his hand passed through my face. “Sorry.”
He offered a small smile. “Don’t apologize to me for anything, you know I hate that. I failed you before, but now you’re stronger. If you truly are a vampire, that means you are strong enough to do what I should have done.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head and turned away from him. “I’m not having this discussion now or ever. I’m not a monster, even if I sparkle in the sun and crave blood or whatever for the rest of my life. I will not be like him so drop it.”
Giovanni rolled his eyes then disappeared in a wisping of smoke.
“Coward,” I mumbled under my breath and eyed the four-story apartment building in front of me.
For my entire life I had just rolled with everything. Never once did I raise my voice, lose my temper, call someone out when they needed to be called out, or said the venomous things that flooded my mind and bit my tongue. Giovanni was the one that said all of the things that I refused to. He was the one that fought when I just took it. He protected me when I couldn’t protect myself, and it was because of my brother that I ran away from home at barely seventeen and fo
und myself in Seattle of all places. Sure, a lot of the things that had most recently happened, mainly those Luka had a hand in, effortlessly caused me to think and say all of the dark things that Giovanni would have said instead of me. And yeah, it felt really good to finally voice them instead of keep them in my head, but at the same time I didn’t like how I felt after the rush was gone.
That wasn’t me, and I wouldn’t allow for it to be.
I was better than that.
The annoying voice in my head confirmed it when I was ready to snap Jessica’s scrawny neck before reality snapped back and hit me. If I was indeed a stupid vampire, and my very limited understanding of them through Hollywood and secondhand accounts care of those at bookstores was correct, I would lose my humanity.
That came with the territory, right?
“Ugh! Vanni, I so need a stupid Vampires for Dummies book,” I whined, pulling the front glass door open to the apartment building.
The stomach-turning stench of stale cigarettes and cheap wine hit me like a fist to the gut and I nearly doubled over.
Usually it wasn’t that bad.
What little carpet remained on the darkened stairs leading to the upper floors and the hallway on the main level was older than I was and I’m sure the government would consider it a biohazard. Giovanni called it a ShamWow of poor hygiene and bad decisions. Over the years, more than once I had to step over unconscious drunks or junkies that had slipped inside to wait out the rain. There were fifteen locks on my apartment door, the windows had locked grates on them, police sirens were the soundtrack of the night, and the heat didn’t work in the winter and there was no air conditioning in the summer.
It wasn’t the nicest place in the world, it wasn’t even an okay place, it was literally one step above the Motel 8 in Fife, but it was mine.
“Welcome home,” I grumbled and stepped inside.
Technically, I attempted to step inside and ended up hitting an invisible barrier instead.
“Not again,” I groaned, punching and kicking at the barrier, but it painfully rebounded each assault. “No, no, no!” I yelled, pushing on it before slamming my hip against it in an attempt at breaking whatever was keeping me out.
It was of no use.
Once again I was being denied, only this time it was my own apartment building that was denying me…
I already paid rent this month!
“Dang it!” I screamed in frustration and slammed the glass door shut with such force that it shattered, not only the door but, the entire glass fascia of the building.
“Oops,” I mumbled, and slowly backed away, trying to look incognito but failed epically.
Giovanni appeared leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, shaking his head. “I swear you were adopted,” he said. “If it weren’t for our eyes and the skunk in us, I would have asked for a DNA test.”
I made a mocking face that made him chuckle.
“Hey, stop!” someone with the distinct sound of authority in their voice yelled.
“Shawny, run!” Giovanni yelled before appearing between me and the super that was hurrying down the sidewalk.
Not sure what a ghost could do to protect me this time, but not questioning my big brother either, I ran as fast as I could away from the building and the crowd that was starting to gather.
I don’t like running.
In fact, the last time I ran was when I was seventeen and that was from Usk, and mainly that running consisted of hitchhiking to the bus stop in Calispell.
This was different. This was the type of running that you did when your life depended on it, and it was usually fueled by short bursts of adrenaline that left you winded and panting five blocks away.
I wasn’t panting or feeling winded.
I wasn’t even feeling as if I were running.
Am I running?
‘Come home!’
“I was trying to go home!” I shouted, stumbling to a stop. “I just want to go home and pretend none of this happened. Is that asking for too much?!” I demanded.
Of course the empty cemetery I had somehow found my way back to without meaning to have held no answers.
I looked for Giovanni but he was nowhere to be seen.
‘Come home-’
“Oh shut up!” I complained. “Why do you sound like that annoying jerk that did this to me?” I asked, looking around to make sure that said annoying jerk hadn’t followed me or that his rude little brother wasn’t going to jump me before burying me again.
I wouldn’t put it past Luka to try again.
“This better not be a vampire thing,” I warned. “But it could be a brain damage thing. Between the two of you, you’ve racked up at least seven felonies, and if this night doesn’t turn around, and soon, I will be pressing charges.”
The chuckle that followed made me roll my eyes.
Yeah, I wouldn’t take me seriously either. No one ever does.
When I was certain that neither of the annoying vampires were lingering, and that no one followed me from the apartments, I looked to the sky and the full moon above. If it was the last thing I did in this life, it was to lay it on the table as Giovanni would word it.
“Goddess, I beg of you, hear my prayers. Death I have welcomed my entire life, and yet over and over I’ve been denied, you have denied me. Why?” I asked. “Why did you allow that jerk to take away the only thing that I have ever wanted?!” I demanded. “Why did you let him do this to me?! Why did you do this to me if you can’t even stomach being in the same room with me? It’s a little hard to teach your little brother a lesson when you threw out on the street the person that you cursed and damned for all eternity for that very reason!”
I wasn’t talking to the Goddess anymore.
The strange and confusing emotions and sensations coursing through me, the almost debilitating hunger pangs stabbing at my very core, and the magnified intensity of the electrical pulses coursing through my system, pushed me over the edge of reason, over my emotional limit, and I collapsed to ground, hugged my knees to my chest and started sobbing.
I wasn’t a crier.
The last time I really cried, ugly cried, was when I was thirteen and they were lowering Giovanni’s casket into the ground. He made me promise not to cry, but when he appeared at my side after everyone left, I broke my promise and started sobbing. When he tried to hug me as I so desperately needed him to do, and his arms passed through me, he started crying.
Never had I seen my fearless big brother cry, and that made me lose it even more.
But that was nothing compared to the debilitating emotions flooding me now, dropping me where I stood.
I had officially reached my breaking point.
It was too much for me.
It was too much for anyone really, but I had lasted longer than anyone else would have, I’m sure.
“All I wanted was to watch the double feature in the park and spend some time with someone that might have wanted to hold my hand,” I said, wiping my eyes on the back of my hand. “Was that asking for too much? Apparently it was because I was stood up, ruined my outfit that made me feel slightly pretty, and lost my grandma’s shoes,” I grumbled, looking around. “Getting attacked by an annoying, infantile vampire was the last thing I expected, but I was strangely okay with that… You, however, I’m not okay with. You had no right to do this to me. No right at all! You didn’t even ask,” I stammered, wiping away the fresh set of tears.
I hated men, especially overbearing jerks that did and took what they wanted, and didn’t care about those they were doing it to or that it affected.
Yes, it was stupid and the annoying vampire wasn’t even there to get his butt chewed, but I needed to vent. I already went off on my brother, which wasn’t fair to him since this was the first time outside of a dream and his funeral that he was around…
That wasn’t right, and yet I was strangely accepting of it when I shouldn’t have been.
“Yet another thing to questio
n my acceptance of,” I complained, crawling around on my hands and knees, searching through the grass. If nothing else came from this crappy night, I might as well look for my missing shoes. “Why did you bother?” I asked, running my hands through the long stands of grass, searching each thick tuft of grass and overgrown patch of ivy and thorny shrubbery. “Death would have been a reprieve and we both know it, even Luka knew it! Being a strigoi would have killed what was me… What made me up, I suppose, my humanity and all that, and it would have been a semi-quick and very painful death, but it would have been death nonetheless. Instead I’m stuck…” I paused and shook my head, trying to find the words for it. “I still feel as if I’m shackled even though the physical shackles have been removed. My cage, my prison, shouldn’t feel like home. I will not call that church home, especially with you two. Never have I seen such a dysfunctional relationship in my life! Even in death Vanni and I aren’t like that. I couldn’t even imagine being like that with him. You two have so many issues I don’t even know where to start, and I sure in the heck don’t want to be suck in the middle of it!”
I rested back on my heels and huffed; my shoes were nowhere to be found.
“As if this stupid night couldn’t worse,” I complained.
My rhetorical question was answered by a deep growl in the distance and it was followed by another and another.
“Ugh!” I complained, throwing my hands in the air in frustration. “Yeah, apparently it can,” I grumbled, picking thorns from my fingers.
‘Come home, now!’
“I will come home when I dang well please,” I retorted, making a face before hissing when I freed a rather deep splinter from my skin that caused blood to roll down the length of my finger. “It isn’t as if I was wanted there. Luka isn’t going to let me just live in that stupid church-turned-prison, and everyone knows it. Why don’t you work on that, huh?” I complained.
Why I was arguing with someone that wasn’t even there?
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know anything anymore, and it honestly felt as if I was losing my sanity with each passing second.
“I thought vampires were supposed to be not so delicate?” I huffed before sucking on my finger in an attempt to get it to clot quicker; I bruise and cut rather easily, and apparently that followed me to the afterlife. I spit the blood out, making a face. “I can’t catch a break.”