by Claire Adams
He got a look in his eyes then that I didn’t recognize. It was kind of like he was tortured. “No, Daphne,” he said, softly. “This wasn’t like that at all. I turned her down because I’m a priest, but also because I don’t feel anything for her other than friendship. I turned you down simply because I’m a priest and what I did with you the night I was drunk was wrong. But if I could be with anyone on this earth, Daphne, it would be you.”
I could feel my heart move up into my throat and my pulse went crazy. He still wants me! Shit! Why am I celebrating that? He just said it’s wrong. He didn’t have to say it. I know that it is.
God, maybe I was better off when I thought the feelings were just one sided and I was obsessing over a man that didn’t want me. My chest ached.
“Sleep well, Daphne,” he said then and he turned towards the door.
“Jace?”
He turned back around and before I lost my nerve, I embraced him. He didn’t push me away. I hugged him tight, and he hugged me back. I put my mouth next to his ear and said, “Thank you, so much for coming tonight.”
When I finally let him go, he looked at my face and I could see the sincerity in his eyes as he said, “Anytime; I mean that.”
I watched him go, and he waited at the bottom of the steps for me to lock myself in. Once I did that, I pressed my forehead into the door and wondered what I was going to do.
One thing I knew for certain: I wasn’t going to sleep. There was going to be no getting the feel of his body against mine off my mind. There wasn’t even any use in trying. My mind knows the difference between what I want and can’t have, but my heart doesn’t.
Chapter Thirty-One
Jace
When I got back home, I realized that my sleep time was over. I got back in bed, but my mind was racing.
I couldn’t help but wonder what it meant that Daphne was the only reason I’ve ever found in my life to be violent. I would have killed that man to keep him from hurting her. That should have frightened the hell out of me, but instead, it gave me a weird sense of peace inside knowing that I finally found someone outside of my grandmother and my brothers that I truly felt like I belonged with.
I’d had a really hard time with that my entire life, feeling out of place. In school, I never fit in with any specific groups. I was always on the fringes of everything. The only thing that gave me any semblance of peace at all was the church and that was why I chose to be a priest.
I thought that I felt that way because it was my calling. Now, I was not so sure, and what terrified me most is that changing my mind so late in life might ruin any peace I’d had in my heart all along.
I tried to make myself stop thinking about it. I couldn’t fix it that night…if at all. I finally dropped that train of thought; however, Daphne was still prominently on my mind.
I wondered about her mother. Was she there when her father was hurting her? I tell people who I counsel through the church to “put it in God’s hands.”
Daphne is a devout Catholic. Was her mother as well? Was that what Daphne was seeking through the church…help from God with a life that had to be pure torture? What about her siblings? Did she have siblings? Did her father abuse them as well?
One thing I struggled hard with before taking my vows was giving up the chance to have children someday. I loved kids, and I would have loved to have my own had I chosen a different path in life. I couldn't even wrap my head around wanting to harm any child, much less your own.
It made my stomach feel sick to think about what she must have been through. The terror in her eyes gave it away, and although I didn't know the circumstances, all it took was a look at her face tonight to know it was torture.
That thought made me angry again and that anger made me remember what I did. I knew that I should pray for forgiveness, but I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I’m not sorry for beating that man down — and I’d do it again, in a heartbeat.
I wanted to spend more time with Daphne. I wanted to get her to open up to me and tell me exactly what she’d been through. I knew she didn’t believe it, but it would probably help her so much to talk about it.
I wondered if anyone knew, or if she’s spent her life in silence. That made me even sadder, because when that happens, it’s like you’re completely alone in the world at it hurts that much more.
I wanted to help her and I wanted her to know that as long as I’m nearby, she’ll never be alone.
My life and my brothers’ lives were unbearable before we went to live with Grandma. At the time, child services wanted to put us in counseling. Max and I wanted no part of it, so Grandma didn’t make us go. I never talked about what had happened to us with her, either, but she knew, so sometimes we’d just sit in silence and the two of us would remember together. It was like talking about it with our hearts.
That night, when I looked into Daphne’s eyes and I saw all the pain over her father, I also saw all the feelings that she was having for me. I felt like we were talking to each other with our hearts the way that Grandma and I used to do.
I closed my eyes and said a prayer for her…and then I said one for me…and then I said one for us both and I asked God to give me some kind of sign that it wasn’t wrong to feel the way I did about her because if this feeling I had was wrong, I was not sure I ever wanted to be right again.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Daphne
I stood in the line today to say hello to Jace after church. It was the least I could do after what he did for me when my father showed up on my doorstep, drunk and dangerous.
I hung back so that I could be last and when it was my turn, I thought I saw a light in his eyes when he looked at me. It made me happy…and guilty at the same time.
“Hello, Daphne,” he said, taking my hand like he would any other parishioner. “How are you?”
“I’m good, thank you. Thank you again for…” I looked around to make sure no one was hanging back. When I saw it was clear, I simply said, “The other night.”
He smiled and everything inside of me liquefied. He’s so gorgeous, even in his cassock and collar. I’m such a demon. “It was no problem. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”
“Well, thank you. I should let you go, I’m sure you have plenty to do today.”
“Actually, I was going to have lunch with my brothers. Would you be interested in joining me? Just as friends, of course.” I wondered if he threw that last part in for me, or him, or us both. Either way, he was right…that was the only way we could do things.
“I’d like that,” I heard myself say. I wasn’t really in control of things where Jace was concerned. My evil body ruled all of those thoughts.
“Great,” he said with another dazzling smile. “Do you mind just waiting for me while I change?”
“No, I’ll be right outside.”
I stood outside of the beautiful old church and asked God again to help me. Am I doing the wrong thing as long as we really are just friends? I cannot control my feelings or my thoughts and I’m sure God will forgive me for those. I can, however, control my actions, and that will have to be the key here.
When Jace came out, he was wearing jeans, a blue t-shirt, and tennis shoes. He looked like that hot guy I met in the bar that night; my heart swelled and pressed up against my ribcage as it pounded. Damn it! Friends, Daphne: that’s it.
We took his car, and on the way, he seemed to be trying to warn me about his brothers. “They’re a lot different from me,” he tried to explain. “Max is the oldest and the more serious one, and Ryan is a 14-year-old in a 25-year-old man’s body. Don’t take anything he says seriously, okay?”
I was a little nervous, but I agreed. We went to a sandwich shop called Pot-Belly in Boston. His brothers were already there, and I knew them as soon as I saw them because the three of them looked so much alike. I also didn’t miss the looks on their faces when they saw me or the glance they gave each other.
“There he is,” the dark-haired one said. “An
d, he brought a friend.”
“Did you bring me one?” the light-haired one with the tattoos asked with a lewd chuckle. My guess was that he was Ryan. I was right.
“Daphne, this is Max,” Jace said of the older one. Then with a hard look at the younger one, he said, “The mouthy one is Ryan. Remember what I told you.”
Max shook my hand. Ryan looked offended and said, “What did he tell you?” I didn’t know what to say and I could feel myself blushing. He looked at Jace then and said, “What on earth could you possibly have to judge me for…Father.”
“Ryan, cool it.” That was Max. He had a deep, controlled voice and as soon as he spoke, Ryan shut up and took his seat. He looked up at me and said, “I’m pleased to meet you, Daphne and whatever he told you is probably true.”
I smiled at him and he winked at me. Jace rolled his eyes. Jace and I sat down and the brothers started talking about people they knew. There was something about their grandmother’s house selling and having a meeting with the attorney.
We ordered our meals before Max looked at me and said, “So, what do you do, Daphne?”
“I’m a waitress,” I told him. He was very well-dressed and just the way he held himself I could tell that he was the successful one. I was a little ashamed to tell him I was just a waitress.
“How do you know Jace?” Ryan asked. He had a mischievous glint in his eye.
“We met at…”
“Church,” Jace said, taking it out of my hands. Ryan smiled again and looked like he knew it was bullshit somehow.
“I ran into Lily the other day,” Max said. My thigh was barely touching Jace’s under the table, but I felt him tense at the mention of her name. I wondered why. Is it because of me?
“Oh, where did you see her?” The waitress brought our sandwiches and the conversation was put on hold while Ryan flirted with her and everyone got settled with their food.
Once she was gone, Max said, “She was at McDougal’s Friday night. I was surprised to see her since I’d heard she moved out of town. She told me she went on a church trip with you last weekend.”
“Yeah, we had a kayaking trip. Lily is part of my congregation.” Jace took a bite of his sandwich. He looked uncomfortable, like he was trying to think of a way to change the subject.
“Yeah, that’s what she said. She also told me something else really interesting.”
Jace now looked like he was about to take off running from the restaurant. I could actually watch him visibly relax from head to toe as Max said, “She said that the house she lived in with her husband sold for 50,000 more than Grandma’s did.”
Ryan looked amused, Jace looked relieved, and Max looked completely in control. These three were something.
“Oh…I wonder why? I never saw her house. Was it bigger or in a better neighborhood?”
“No, it was on the South End, too, and if I’m not mistaken, it was smaller than Grandma’s. I’m going to find out when I speak with the attorney.”
“God! You guys are so boring,” Ryan whined. Jace was right; he was definitely like a 14-year old.
Jace rolled his eyes again and said, “What would you like to talk about, Ryan?” Then he looked at me and back at his brother and said, “Keep it clean.”
“You’re such an old fuddy-dud lately,” Ryan told him with his lip curled. “Being a priest is making you old before your time.”
He looked at me and grinned. “It’s good to know some people can still bring you out of your shell. Daphne, I never thought I’d see the day when someone could talk my brother into having sex.” Jace looked like he was going to choke as Ryan raised his glass to me. “Good job.”
He drank his beer as if he hadn’t just said something out loud that he shouldn’t know and should have never been brought up. I felt my face go hot again and gulped the ice water in front of me. Damn! Did Jace really tell them? He must have. What the hell?
I survived the rest of lunch, listening to the brothers razz each other over everything from baseball team choices to women. After Ryan’s comment, Max had shut him down with a look and he backed off of whatever he thought he knew about me and Jace.
I thought I was going to ask Jace about it, but when we got in the car, I lost my nerve. I was having a nice day being his “friend.” I didn’t want to bring all of that up again.
“I’m going to watch the All-Star game this afternoon. If you don’t have any plans, we can get some snacks and watch it at my place.”
God help me, I knew that was a bad idea, but I told myself that in order to prove I could handle being alone with him, I should do it. “Sure,” I heard myself say, “That sounds like fun.”
He stopped at a little market close to his apartment. As we walked in, I heard a couple of people greet him as Father, so I kept as low of a profile as I could while we were there. We picked out some chips and dip, and he bought sodas and a vegetable tray.
It was only after he paid and we were outside that I feel like I could breathe. He smiled gently at me. “It’s not a sin for us to be friends, Daphne.”
I think I blushed again. “I know. I guess I worry too much about what people think.”
He loaded the groceries and then looked at me. “We all do. But, as long as we’re okay with God and we know we’re not doing anything wrong…that’s what matters.”
He had a good point. He also meant what he said about hanging out just as friends. We sat on his couch and ate and watched baseball. I wasn’t a fan and he was a hard-core Red Sox fan, so he filled me in on the All-Star league and who he was rooting for and why. He got really into the game and it was cute to watch him be so animated about something.
Every once in a while, he would clamp down on my leg with his hand when he was frustrated, or give me a high five when he was happy…but otherwise, he didn’t touch me and we maintained our appropriateness until early evening when I announced it was time for me to go.
Jace drove me back to the church to get my car and before I got out, he said, “Hey, Daphne?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. Today was the first time in a long time that I’ve felt truly happy and comfortable. I had a great, normal day.”
I smiled. “I had a great, normal day, too. Thank you.” He waited for me to get in my car and drive away before he left. I was still smiling when I got home. It really had been a good day.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Jace
It was Saturday night and I had spent all week being proud of myself for spending an entire day with Daphne and not touching her…or barely touching her, I guess. A time or two when I had my hand on her leg, I have to admit the idea of sliding it up was on my mind, but I proved to myself I can control those urges.
I felt less lonely than I had for a long time…since Grandma died. I liked being friends with Daphne. If I couldn't have her for anything more than that — and I couldn't — I would gladly take friendship.
I still have the dreams at night where we have passionate sex and I wake up hot and sweaty and with a raging hard on. My body is becoming accustomed to freezing cold showers in the morning, but I’m controlling it. God can’t fault me for what’s in my subconscious, I don’t think.
I had been trying to decide what I wanted to do all day and finally, I knew that whatever I did, I wanted to do it with Daphne. I called her and she answered on the second ring. “Hi, Jace, how are you?”
“I’m good. I was just sitting here at home thinking about seeing a movie. I wondered if you might like to meet me there.”
I heard her hesitate. I actually heard the wheels turning in her head. She must have decided like I have that she’s in complete control of her actions because at last she said, “That sounds like fun. What are you going to see?”
I felt my face go hot as I said, “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”
She giggled nervously. That was probably bordering too close on where we’d been at since day one. “Okay…”
“I want to see Southpaw.”
<
br /> “That’s the one about the fighter?”
“Yeah.”
She giggled again. “It’s an odd choice for most priests. But I’ve seen you in action.”
I had to laugh. “Yes, unfortunately, you have. The story sounds great; it’s not really about the fighting.”
“Oh,” she said. I could hear the mischief in her voice as she said, “Is that kind of like saying you read Playboy for the articles?”
“Wow. Harsh.” I was laughing, though.
Quickly skirting around the porn conversation, she said, “What time and where should I meet you?”
“It starts at 7:10 at the Metro.”
“Great, I’ll see you then,” she said.
After she hung up, I just stood there for a few moments looking down at the phone. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was setting myself up. Am I just making these feelings we have for each other worse?
All I really knew was that I not only wanted to see Daphne, I needed to…so, I was going to see her and my sexual urges would just have to go untended.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Daphne
I was waiting when Jace drove up in front of the theater. I’d actually walked over because it was close to my apartment. He was in regular clothes again and my heart did that thing it always does when I first see him. Then I had to go through the whole process of telling myself why I can’t have him…again.
“Hi, there,” he said, taking hold of my hand like we were a couple. I could have pulled mine away, I guess. But, I didn’t want to. His hand was big and warm and strong…and it was attached to him. He led me inside and paid for our tickets. “You want popcorn?”
“Of course,” I said with a grin. He ordered a large and then said, “Please tell me we can drench it in butter. If you say no, I’ll be forced to order my own.”
“I love butter.”
“Great!” He was true to his word, he literally drenched it. Then he took my hand again and led me into the darkened theater. We found a couple of seats in the center and sat down just in time for the previews to start. Jace reached and put the popcorn tub in my lap, taking a handful of it out for himself.