by Claire Adams
I spotted Abby and Makani behind their desk. They were talking. Abby's hair was down the way it had been the night before. She was smiling at whatever her friend was telling her. She glanced in my direction and stopped talking. She looked at me again, doing a double take like she'd just seen a ghost. Her friend looked over, too. I nodded at them and kept walking.
Maybe she was surprised I'd left my room? I couldn't think why. She had been the one who’d suggested it in the first place. After some searching, I found a restaurant with a lunch buffet going. I loaded my plate up with more food than I knew I'd be able to finish before finding a place to sit. A waiter came and took my drink order. I thought about getting a beer, but I was having such a good day, I asked for water.
I dug in. The food was good. A lot of things were good. I wasn’t feeling sick, I wasn’t stressed, and I’d left my room for the second time without being recognized by anybody.
I didn't want to jinx it, but who knew all it would take to turn my shit around was getting out of my own head. I wasn't dumb enough to think it would last, but I also wasn't going to waste it just waiting for the ball to drop.
I heard the sound of a chair scraping the ground in front of me and looked up. It was Abby. She was sitting across from me with a look on her face like she was upset. I didn't know what to say for a second, so I just looked at her.
"Hungry?" I asked.
"No," she said shortly. "I see you got to your room last night."
"I did. Listen, if you're gonna sit there, I'm gonna have to ask you to grab a plate because it's awkward being the only one eating."
"How are you even talking like that after last night?" I looked at her. She sounded way too much like Kirsten, accusing me of something I had done wrong.
"What happened last night?"
"You don't-" she leaned in like she was going to tell me a secret. "You sure you don't remember?"
I shrugged. Was she upset about the way I'd left her on the beach? It had been an emergency. I had thought I could make it through the night, and I got pretty fucking far, but in the end, couldn't do it. I wasn't proud of it, but why was she mad about that? I had told her not to worry about it.
"Nope. Nothing."
"I saw you last night."
"I remember. I saw you, too. You invited me to the luau."
"Not there. In your suite, on the couch with a...with that thing sticking in your arm," she said. My jaw dropped. She'd followed me to my room? She'd been in there while I was sleeping?
"Who let you in my room?"
"The door was open; you didn't even make sure it was closed before you...did that to yourself."
"I don't know what you think you saw, Abby, but it was in my private suite that I'm paying a lot of money for. It's none of your business."
"I was there because I was sent to check on you. You weren't well. You were acting weird, and we were worried."
"You have nothing to worry about because nothing is wrong. Just forget whatever you think you saw."
"You're going to sit there and tell me nothing was wrong when I found you passed out in your room with a needle in your arm?" she asked sharply.
"A little louder, Abby, I don't think the entire restaurant heard you," I snapped sarcastically. She sat back.
"I haven't told anyone. Am I the only person who knows?"
"You don't know anything, okay? You came in my room without permission. You weren't even supposed to be there."
"Why would you do something like that? What's happening that's so awful that you have to use drugs?" she asked. She whispered the last two words like they were swear words.
"I have nothing else to say to you. Nothing happened. I'm here, aren't I? I'm fine. I want to eat my fucking lunch and go back to my suite in peace."
"No. You aren't going back to your suite to spend the rest of the day alone." I narrowed my eyes at her. What now? She'd started mad, and now she just wasn't making sense anymore.
"Why? Because I'm on an island paradise in a world-star resort?" I asked, using her words from the night before.
"You don't have to do this. You don't have to face this alone. I want to help you."
"Help me do what? I haven't asked you to do anything but leave me alone and forget what you saw."
"Help you see that it's worth it. You've been in your suite all this time, and the island's bigger than that. Your life is bigger than that."
"Oh, I don't appreciate my life? Thanks, Dr. Drew. I didn't know this was an intervention," I said sarcastically. "You don't know anything about me."
"I know what I saw, and I know that whatever you're going through must be extremely difficult. No matter what it is."
"No. Stop it. It's nice that you want to help, but I didn't fucking ask you to. Whatever happens when I am in my suite alone is none of your business. Don't come in my room again." I stood up, taking my plate with me. I walked away, not bothering to see whether she had followed me or not.
That bitch. She wanted to teach me that my life was worth living? My thoughts were swirling around my head. What I needed her to do was stand at that front desk and leave me the fuck alone. Why did she think she had the right to come up to me and say that shit? She went straight to the point, making assumptions nobody asked her to make.
Part of me was mad that she had said anything at all, but another part was mad about how right she was. A couple of the other guys in Remus knew about the dope, but they never told me anything. She had been nosy and annoying, but she wasn't wrong — and I didn't know whether I was sort of pleased about that or not.
When you have something people want, they get close to you, but not because they want to be your friends. They're leeches who want to suck you dry or enablers who don’t care whether you run yourself into the ground because it’s not their problem. Nobody had ever called me on my bullshit like that, and even if I wish she hadn't, it was sort of nice that she gave enough of a fuck to say something.
I was shelling out thousands of dollars a night to stay here, and their only job was to give me whatever I wanted. She didn't have to care that I was an addict. She didn't just care; she sounded almost sad that I was doing that to myself.
I got into the elevator and waited to go up to my suite. She was walking through the lobby back to the desk as the doors were closing. She was running a hand through her hair and looked mad.
Apologize to her, I thought suddenly.
No, you told her to fuck off; why would you go back over there to talk to her again?
The doors closed and stopped me before I did anything stupid. I got to my room and left my plate on the table, not really that hungry anymore. I felt restless. I wanted to do something because I knew what happened when I got like this. It would start. It'd start bubbling up until it was too much and I'd use again.
Television wouldn't work. I didn't want to go on the internet. I paced around, suddenly remembering the piano. Yeah. That would do it. It would keep my hands busy. I sat at the piano and touched the keys, waiting to hear something. The stuff I had composed for Remus wasn’t even half of the work I had accumulated since I had started writing music. I had more music than I knew what to do with. When it came out of me, I had to put it somewhere.
Sometime must have passed before I stopped, realizing something. My hands weren't shaking. I wasn't sweating. I felt fine.
I had been fine all day, but right then, I was calm. Sitting there at the piano, I felt like everything was okay. I had been so heated after what had happened with Abby; that was the sort of thing that would have sent me right off the edge, using again, but I hadn't.
This weird urge came over me to say something to her. To tell her that I had found something. One of those things she said she wanted to show me that would make me want to stop using. I got to the phone and dialed the number for the front desk.
"Good afternoon. Thank you for calling Four Seasons Lanai, you're speaking to Abby. How may I help you?" she asked me.
I slammed the phone back into t
he receiver. What the hell was I doing? She didn’t care; hadn’t I told her to fuck off and leave me alone? Fuck, make up your mind, I thought. Either you’re doing this shit alone, or you’re taking her up on her offer. I remembered her face after I had left her, like she was hurt. There was no way her offer still stood. Nobody was that nice.
Chapter Ten
Abby
"So if you're in school online, do you sit in on classes over Skype or something?"
"No, I get the material, sources, and outline, and I can just study at my own pace," I said.
Makani was laying on her stomach on a towel beside me on the beach outside my house. The sun was warm, and the beach hadn't kicked up to full activity yet. Her bikini was white, which looked fantastic against her dark skin. Lying out in the sun was super touristy, but it was fun. The beach was amazing; why should they get to have all the fun?
There were beaches in Texas, but I’d seen a lot more desert than beach when I'd lived there. Makani had gotten here a couple hours ago, and we still hadn't gone on that run we had said we'd go on. It was about ten, and we'd accepted that it wasn't going to happen anymore.
We had a day off. We didn't have many, but the ones we did have, we tended to spend together even though we worked together.
"So does it take longer for you to graduate than someone who goes to class every day?" she asked. I adjusted my sunglasses on my face, turning my head to look at her.
"It can, but it depends on the way I spend my time. I could draw it out if I wanted, but I don't need to."
I was getting my business administration degree online. My university didn't have a Lanai campus, and I wasn't prepared to move to be able to attend in person. Online classes were a cheaper, better option for me that still let me work and support myself while getting an education.
"When are you graduating?"
"Next year or the one after that; it depends. You thinking about starting?"
"No," she sighed. "You can do the college thing. I'm good right here," she said smiling.
She had been making her own money for a long time. The option to go back to school was always there if she wanted it, but she didn't right now. It was something we didn't have in common, but it wasn't a big deal. She was working, had her own place, and a life she enjoyed, so school wouldn't give her anything she didn't have already.
Well, unless you were talking about her physically attending somewhere, putting her around a lot of other people her age, which she hadn't really had for a while since she had been working so long already.
A lot of men around her age, specifically. She was gorgeous, and there was no lack of male attention wherever we went together, but she turned down every last one of them, as much as she teased me for having never been with anyone.
After Keno, she sort of closed shop, which was a tragedy for the men of the island. And for her, even though she didn't want to admit it. Keno was a nice guy. I liked them together. I never really felt like a third wheel with them.
It had taken her a while to finally tell me what had happened between them, but it was just one of those things where they hadn't wanted the same thing so instead of staying, she'd left. I hoped she'd open herself up to a relationship again soon. She was good at hiding it, but she had been lonely. I would have been, too, if I had been with someone for over a year.
"Are we going to lose you after you get your fancy degree?" she asked.
"No," I scoffed. "I'm not going anywhere." They could try to get rid of me, but it wouldn't work. I'd dug in roots here. This was home.
Leaving after I had earned my degree had crossed my mind a couple times. I had thought about leaving a lot since I had landed here, but the thoughts had come to me less and less as the years had passed.
When I'd arrived here, I had been a traumatized kid, freshly eighteen. Even though I had had nothing to go back to in Texas, I had still wanted to go back. The move, especially after the trial and the circus that had followed, had been too much for me. I had been upset. Even though it had been for my own good at the time, I had still had trouble adjusting.
Now, I couldn't imagine not living on Lanai. My life here was all mine. I'd built it for myself, by myself. I'd found myself a family, a home, and it was here that I saw in my future and not anywhere else.
"Uh-oh, incoming," Makani said.
"Where?"
"Your right." I glanced over my shoulder and saw who she was talking about. Two guys. I didn't recognize them as guests at the Four Seasons, but they were clearly tourists. They were in swim trunks and sunglasses and were walking right up to us. I rolled my eyes.
"Should I do it, or will you?" she asked.
One of the guys had bleached hair, and the other had a crew cut. They looked close to our age, which was better than the guys we got hitting on us a lot of the time. They were actually pretty cute, I realized as they stopped in front of us.
"Morning, ladies," the blond one said brightly. Australians, I thought.
"Hi," Makani said, rolling onto her back, "You guys looking for something?"
"We're on the island for a few days, and we were wondering whether you knew any good places we could hang out. You're locals, right?" crew cut asked.
"If you want to know where you can score some weed, you're on the wrong beach," I told them. Makani giggled. The guys laughed, too.
"Oh no, that's the first thing we looked for when we got here," the blond said. I'd let him think he was funny. I smiled sarcastically.
"Looks like you’re set for a good time, then,” I said.
“Almost. You guys live around here?”
“We do. If you guys are looking for dates, you’re on the wrong beach for that, too,” I said. They laughed a little, looking uncomfortable.
“That’s too bad. We thought we’d have a little fun, since this is supposed to be Hawai’i’s most enticing island,” the blond said. “Where can we find you later?”
“Not here. We’re not interested,” I said with a sweet smile.
“What about you?” he asked Makani.
“Oh, she just told you. We’re not interested. By the way, about your problem, your hotel concierge should be able to tell you where to visit.”
“Let me take your number, so I can call you later if you change your minds,” he said.
“Nope, we’re good,” I said lightly. The guy looked stunned. This had probably worked for him before. It was probably worse on the bigger islands, but we got our creeps, too.
“Why, are you married or something?” he blurted out.
“Because even if I gave you my number, you wouldn’t know what to call me,” I said. Makani laughed. The one with the crew cut whispered something to his friend, and they awkwardly said they were going to check out more of the beach. We watched them leaving.
"Poor guys. That blond one really liked you," Makani said.
"He'll survive," I said, resting my head back down on my towel.
"Would you? You know, with a tourist?" she asked.
"Tourists leave. I don't want to be anyone's two-week summer fling before they go back home."
"I don't know. That guy looked about ready to emigrate for you," she joked. I pulled a face, making her laugh.
"Hard pass," I said.
"My God, Abby. You'll never have a relationship with standards that high," she said. I shrugged, laughing.
"I'll always have you," I said.
"You know what I mean. By the way, whatever happened to that singer guy you like?"
I froze. Nate. I had been trying not to think about the last conversation we had and what I had seen in his suite. Him passed out with a needle in his arm. I'd never be able to forget that. It gave me chills just thinking about it. I hadn't told Makani anything. In fact, I hadn't brought him up at all.
It was none of my business after all, right? That's what he had said. He didn't want any help. I hadn't seen him since in the lobby or anywhere else for that matter. He hadn't called the front desk. I was going to take that t
o mean he was fine.
Either that, or he had been in a coma for four days and nobody had discovered his unconscious body yet. I shrugged.
"Haven't really seen him. Are you hungry?" I asked, changing the subject.
She wasn't. The sun was getting higher, and the beach was getting a little crowded, though, so we ended up going inside after a little while. We stayed in until lunch, deciding to go eat somewhere in the city. We had the whole day in front of us.
We ended up shopping in the city before stopping at a bar for drinks. Because of all the tourists we got, we had an interesting mix of higher and lower end spots, some obviously meant for tourists with predictably inflated prices and others obviously meant for locals. It was like two different worlds. Sort of like the island: the old plantation buildings and historical sites sharing space with places like the Four Seasons, ultra-modern and new.
The sun had gone down by the time we were done, and Makani dropped me off before driving herself home. I had a quick shower and got into a long t-shirt to go to sleep. I wasn’t that tired, but there was nothing I really wanted to do that night that was going to keep me awake.
Since we’d been busy the whole day, I had managed pretty well not to think about what she had said earlier when the guys on the beach had tried to pick us up. It came up so often that it didn’t usually bother me, but sometimes I wondered how long it would take. I knew I was the only thing holding myself back, and I knew that I wasn’t going to be like this forever. I didn’t know when I could stop feeling guarded.
These days, months, years weren’t being wasted. I needed time to feel comfortable taking that sort of risk again, but I couldn’t help thinking that the days months and years that I was using now were years that I was losing in the future with someone who I would have a relationship with.
I was in no shape for a relationship. I had accepted that. That didn’t mean I didn’t think about what it might be like. That I didn’t want it. I wasn’t ready now. I just hoped that one day, sooner rather than later, I would be.