Always A Bridesmaid (Logan's Legacy Revisited)

by Kristin Hardy

  And he had to find the patience to get around them.

  Time, he told himself. Time, pure and simple.

  The birthing room looked more like a bedroom suite in a nice hotel. Correction, Jillian thought as she walked in, it looked more like a nice hotel suite where a reception was being held. She’d always known she was part of a large family, but there were easily over a dozen people milling around the room, flopped on the sofas and chairs, standing by the window and using their cell phones.

  Eric sat by the bed holding Jenny’s hand while Eden stood on the other side, dabbing perspiration off Jenny’s forehead. Jenny’s brother, Jordan, sprawled in a chair near the foot of the bed, a magazine open on his knees, Sarajane standing behind him.

  Jillian made her way over to Jenny. “Hi, hon. So what’s going on?”

  Jenny’s eyes were bright with excitement. “I’m having a baby, haven’t you heard?”

  “I see that,” Jillian said. “Everything okay, mother-to-be? Anything you need?”

  “Are you kidding? I’ve got half the staff of the Children’s Connection here helping out.”

  “Is the offer good for the father-to-be?” Eric asked hopefully. “I could use a shot in the dark.”

  “Your whole life is a shot in the dark,” Jordan cracked. “If you decide to have mercy on him and make a coffee run, though,” he said to Jillian, “I’ll take a latte.”

  “There’s coffee in the break-room vending machine,” Jillian pointed out.

  Jordan winced. “I don’t think you can call what’s available around here coffee. Creosote, maybe.”

  “So I suppose you’re expecting me to go on a mission of mercy,” Jillian said.

  “Well, expecting’s probably overstating the case,” Eric said. “Wishing, maybe. Hoping.”

  “We’re just saying if you’re feeling like doing something for the greater good, that would be it,” Jordan clarified.

  “If you want to take a run, I’ll go with you,” David said from beside her.

  Jillian jumped. “When did you get here?”

  “About two seconds ago. And I could seriously use some caffeine. Besides, I’m no good at just sitting around.”

  “Hello?” Jenny complained. “Remember who’s been stuck in a bed for three months? I’m the one who’s going nuts. You have no idea how ready I am to get up out of this bed.”

  “It’ll be over soon,” Eden soothed.

  “I know. And first thing tomorrow I start training for the Portland marathon.”

  “You might want to give it a week or two,” Jordan advised.

  Jillian checked her watch. “You might also want to get the whole labor and birth thing out of the way. Considering tomorrow is only three hours away,” she added.

  Jenny waved a hand. “I’m not worried about this pesky labor stuff. I’m tougher than—” The words turned into a surprised little bleat as her face tensed and reddened. Sudden beads of sweat sprang out on her brow.

  “Come on, honey, breathe,” Eric said anxiously, looking a bit tense and red-faced himself.

  Jenny gave a little moan. Each second seemed to take an eternity. Finally, the contraction ended and Jenny melted back into the mattress, gasping.

  Eric opened and closed his hand a few times experimentally. “You’ve got quite a grip there.”

  “Just wait,” Eden advised. “Trust me, she’s just getting started.”

  “I think I’m going to miss our racquetball game next week, Jordan,” Eric said. “Unless you give me a handicap.”

  “You’re a walking handicap,” Jordan tossed back. “Why else do you think you’ve managed to win any of our games?”

  Jillian watched as Eden dabbed Jenny’s brow. “So what was that you were saying about pesky labor?”

  “I want drugs,” Jenny said positively. “Really good drugs.”

  “Remember your Lamaze training,” Eden advised, dabbing a sweetly scented oil on Jenny’s temples. “The aromatherapy will help.”

  “A saddle block will help more,” Jenny shot back.

  There was a musical laugh behind them and lovely, dark-eyed Alicia Juarez, Scott’s fiancée, walked up wearing a smock decorated with cats and dogs holding umbrellas. “The doctor will be in to take care of it in just a couple of minutes.”

  “Bless you,” Jenny said.

  “If I were you, though, I’d still pay attention to Eden. Her techniques work. It’s just if they don’t, all the way, you’ll have a backup.”

  “Backups are good,” Eric said, flexing his hand again.

  Alicia pulled the drape around the bed. “Okay, shoo, all of you except Eden. I need to check progress.”

  Obediently, Jillian and the rest stepped away and let Alicia get to work.

  “Have we got everyone on the list?” Jillian asked David, who’d been taking coffee orders.

  “I think so. Ready to go?”

  He reached out for the door just as it opened to reveal Lawrence and Abby Logan.

  For a moment, everyone froze, including Terrence in the corner, including Jillian. Her father and her uncle had reconciled, but a few conversations couldn’t possibly repair the damage of years. Would her father consider Lawrence’s appearance a positive gesture or would he consider it intrusive and condescending?

  Terrence looked over, surprise writ large on his face. There was a moment of hesitation and then he walked over, his hand extended. “Larry. Good to see you.”

  “Terrence. I heard that Jenny was going into labor. We just wanted to stop by and see if we could help. You know, best wishes, moral support, all that. I guess you have plenty of that, though.”

  Jillian held her breath.

  “We can always use more,” Terrence said. “Our family makes time for one another.”

  Lawrence studied him. “You’re right, we Logans do.”

  “Stay.” It was Jenny’s voice, from the bed. “Nathan should be born with his family around. All his family.”

  “Jenny’s right,” Terrence said. “Stay.”

  And around the room, everyone subtly relaxed.

  Except one.

  “Nathan?” Eric repeated plaintively. “I thought we’d decided on Joe.”

  “Would you ever in a million years have thought it?” David and Jillian headed back from Stumptown balancing carriers of coffee.

  “You mean Dad and Uncle Lawrence? I’d hoped,” Jillian answered. “I never really knew whether it would happen or not. Maybe it really will stick.”

  “Maybe. If it does, you deserve a lot of the credit.”

  “It wasn’t just me. It was Jake and LJ. It was Mom. It was you. A lot of us made it happen.” The hospital’s automatic glass doors swished open and they stepped inside.

  “Well, cheers to all of us. What matters is that it worked out. So what’s going on with you?” David asked. “You look like you got some sun today.”

  Jillian could feel her cheeks heating. She could see it in the big round convex mirror up by the corridor ceiling that orderlies used to check for traffic before they took gurneys around corners.

  “I was out sailing today.”

  “Oh, yeah?” He cocked a brow. “Anyone I know? Like the guy who was dropping you off when I drove up?”

  Jillian slanted a look at him. “Aren’t I a little old for you to be playing protective brother?”

  “I don’t know, do you need protecting?”

  Just then, she felt as though she needed to be protected against herself, but she wasn’t about to say that to David. “I think I can take care of myself.”

  “It’s him, isn’t it?” he said. “The guy from the paper?”

  Slowly, she nodded.

  “Is that why he didn’t come in?”

  “It was our first…” Was date even the right word? “It was the first time we’d done anything together outside of work. He didn’t need to come in and face the family.”

  “Especially given what he does for a living.”

  “Especially that. He does
n’t need a black eye from Dad.”

  David grinned. “Dad would be more likely to sabotage his credit score than pop him one.”

  “Even so.”

  “So how’d it go? Good time?”

  She could feel the box with the dragonfly in her pocket as she walked along. “Wonderful. At least, mostly.”

  “Mostly,” he repeated. “You’re covering well but you’re looking a little rough around the edges. What happened?”

  What had happened was that she’d failed once more. What had happened was that she’d been reminded, yet again, how screwed up she truly was. “Nothing I’m ready to talk about,” she said. “I need to try to understand it myself.”

  “I thought you liked this guy. Did he turn into a jerk?”

  “No. It wasn’t him.”

  “Did you turn into a jerk?”

  She snapped her head around to stare at him as they stepped into the elevator. “Whose side are you on, anyway?”

  “Yours. Always yours. But you’re not the easiest of people, Jilly.”

  Her brows lowered. “It was just life kind of stuff. I’ll survive.”

  “Are you going to see him again?”

  “I don’t know.” She moved her shoulders. “I don’t know if he’ll want to.”

  “He’d be an idiot if he didn’t.”

  Jillian gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks.”

  “Like I said, I’m always on your side.”

  They stepped out on the obstetrics floor and headed down to Jenny’s birthing suite. Alicia came bustling past them.

  “How is she?” Jillian asked.

  “She’s five centimeters dilated. I think we’re going to have a baby on our hands pretty soon.” There was a cry from another room and she gave an apologetic smile. “I have to go check that.”

  When Jillian and David walked into the birthing room, it seemed to her that the crowd was even bigger than ever. And then she saw Nancy there and realized why. Jillian wondered if only she could see the lines of strain in Nancy’s face. She still hadn’t told the family about the baby. Being here, seeing Jenny, missing Robbie had to be killing her.

  Unobtrusively, Jillian wandered casually over to where she stood by the windows, staring out into the darkness.

  “You don’t have to be here,” Jillian said softly.

  “I want to be.” Nancy took a breath. “I need to be. I need to remind myself that there’s family here, that Robbie’s going to come home. It’s going to be all right, isn’t it? Tell me it’s going to be all right.”

  “It is going to be all right. You’ll see.”

  “I’m almost three months along and he still doesn’t know. If he knew he’d come home. But…”

  “He needs to come home on his own,” Jillian finished for her.

  “Not for obligation,” Nancy said. “I want to tell him and it’s selfish because I know it would bring him home. But it wouldn’t be for the right reason. And maybe he’d stay for a while.” She blinked, her voice wavering. “And maybe he would go again. Maybe not until his probation ends, but he’d go. I don’t think I could bear it.”

  “He loves you, Nancy,” Jillian said gently. “He’s just got some things that he’s got to work out. We can help but we can’t do it for him.”

  “But when Scott finds him…”

  “When Scott finds him, then we’ll decide what happens next. No matter what’s going on, he’s got to come home to deal with his legal obligations. And maybe while he does, we can help with those demons he’s fighting. And maybe everyone here can help you.”

  Nancy turned to look at the roomful of chattering people that made up the extended family she’d married into. The family she hadn’t ever quite been able to convince Robbie he deserved.

  “Tell them, Nancy. Let them share.”

  “But it’s Jenny’s moment. I don’t want to steal her thunder.”

  “Jenny’s not like that. And trust me, in about half an hour, you wouldn’t be able to steal her thunder with a winning lottery ticket. A new baby trumps pretty much everything.” Jillian gave Nancy a soft glance. “And the next best thing is one on the way.”

  Nancy gave her a long look and then nodded and turned to the room.

  “Everybody,” she said, “there’s something I want to share with you all.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Jillian wasn’t sure how it had come to be Thursday afternoon already. The week had seemed to pass in a blur and at the same time to crawl by. She found herself thinking of Gil constantly, yet the thought of contacting him paralyzed her.

  And from his end, the phone had stayed resolutely silent. Could she really blame him? She’d freaked out, then she’d bolted. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to think? He was a successful, charming, talented, good-looking guy. Why should he be spending his time with a basket case?

  She made an impatient noise and gathered up her files. Dwelling on it wasn’t going to do anything except make her crazy.

  Instead, she plastered on a smile and walked into Lois’s office for their weekly meeting. “Hi.”

  Lois took one look at her face and set her own case files aside. “I could make small talk but we’ve known each other too long for that. What’s wrong? Anything you want to talk about?”

  Jillian gave a brief smile. “I finished my therapy five years ago. It’s not your job anymore.”

  “I’m not being your therapist. I’m being a friend. What’s going on? Is it your young man?”

  Jillian shuffled the files she held, reorganizing them. Finally, she looked up. “We went out last weekend. Sailing.”

  “How was it?”

  “Great. It was really a wonderful day. He’s…easy,” she decided. “Being with him isn’t work like it is with other people. I feel like I can talk to him and he understands. We connect.”

  “Ah. So what happened?”

  Jillian sighed. “We started kissing. Things got kind of hot and heavy.”

  “How was it?”

  “Pretty amazing, actually. It’s never been quite like that before. I just wanted more. And I started thinking that maybe this was it, this was the time it would be right.”

  “And?”

  “I froze up,” she said miserably. “One minute, I was into it and the next I was panicking. I just had to get out.” She let out a long breath and turned to the window. “Anyway, I’m sure he thinks I’m way too screwed up to deal with. Since Sunday I haven’t heard a word from him.”

  “Did you talk with him about what happened?”

  “I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to talk about. What am I supposed to say, I’m thirty-three years old and a virgin? It sounds like the setup for a bad joke.”

  “You need to tell him about it before things go any further,” Lois said gently. “He deserves to know.”

  “Maybe things aren’t going to go any further,” Jillian said. “Maybe what I do is chalk it up to a good run and try to do better next time.” She glanced at her watch. “Anyway, I thought we were supposed to be reviewing case files.”

  “We are. It’s an old one. Yours.” Lois leaned forward. “You need to tell him, Jillian. Don’t just walk away from this. You need your life to be whole.”

  “Maybe I just don’t like sex,” she tossed out, an edge in her voice.

  “And maybe you saw something when you were a child, still with your mother,” Lois countered. “I’m not talking overt abuse, touching or anything. It could have been as simple as walking in on a porn movie or seeing a couple having sex in the street.”

  “Why don’t I remember?”

  “It was thirty years ago. When you first came to the Children’s Connection, maybe I didn’t ask the right questions. I was looking for overt abuse. This could be more subtle. You know how deep preverbal memories can be buried, especially if it’s something that doesn’t seem like a transgression. If no one touched you, you probably wouldn’t register it as an invasion but the effect could be just as strong. Do you mind if I t
ry something?”

  “If you’re talking about hypnosis,” Jillian said, “it never worked for me.”

  “I wouldn’t expect it to. You’re far too self-contained to ever allow yourself to be hypnotized. That requires a level of trust that you learned young wasn’t safe. No, this is a sensory thing.” Lois turned back to her desk and dug in the drawer. “I’ve had this for ages but there never seemed like a good time to bring it out. I hope I didn’t just toss it sometime. Aha!” She flourished something triumphantly.

  Jillian frowned at the square in Lois’s hand. It was one of those glossy little cardboard folders that held a small sample bottle of perfume.

  “It’s Opium,” Lois said. “Very popular in the seventies. I picked it up because of something you said once about your mother. Smell it.”

  Sudden nerves gripped her. She didn’t want to do this, oh, she didn’t want to. But she made herself go through with it, she made herself pull out the plastic stopper and sniff.

  Sweet and heavy, almost musky. Familiar, in a way that touched a chord. And, for an instant, something flashed in her mind: a flickering television, drunken laughter and bodies moving around on the couch.

  The little tube fell out of her fingers, releasing a bloom of scent into the room.

  “What?” Lois was watching her alertly.

  Jillian shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  “What image popped up?”

  “I don’t know,” Jillian responded sharply.

  “But you remembered something.”

  “Did I? Or did I just respond to your suggestion?”

  “What was it?” Lois asked softly.

  “My mother, with a man. Both of them naked. They were having sex. Loud, rough sex.”

  “Was she in distress?”

  She didn’t want to think about it but she made herself, spurred on by the light scent in the room. “I don’t think so. I don’t know. He had her bent over the couch. She was crying out.”