by Lauren Wood
“I feel the same way a lot Deirdre, but I wouldn't change anything. This is what I had to do to get you and I'm willing to do far more than this if I have to, just as long as I can keep you.”
Everything he said was perfect and sometimes I had to think that it was too perfect. He always had the right thing to say and it just wasn't natural.
I didn't say much more until we got to the studio. I gave him a kiss and I told him that I would see him when he was done. We were never in the same room when they do the taping and I always wondered what they asked him. I could tell that a lot of the questions were to bait me and to get me to say something that would give them something to air, but did Danny know that as well? Was he playing into their hands or not? I guess I was going to find all that out when the episodes aired. I really wasn't looking forward to it. And never had been about the fame and fortune. Well the fortune anyways, but not the fame.
Making my way to the taping, I tried to clear my mind of everything. The questions were fast and made to trip me up. I didn’t want to embarrass myself too badly, so I had to make sure that I didn’t let them see me freak out.
When I got in there, I was as calm as I was going to get.
“Good to see you Deirdre. I’m glad that the two of you are holding on.”
I didn’t know what that meant, but the receptionist just smiled without another explanation, like I was supposed to know what she was talking about. I really had no idea, but it put a sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that was sure to grow going forward.
“So just go on in. There will be someone in there in just a few minutes. It might be a little bit longer today because they want to get some footage for the upcoming season premier.”
I just agreed with a nod to my head and followed her through. I didn’t want to think about what would happen when it came out. I certainly wasn’t going to watch it. I would never be able to do so without letting it drive me crazy. I was a perfectionist that didn’t like attention. None of this was part of what I wanted. This was what I had to go through, to get to where I wanted to be.
Someone entered the room, but because I was already seated and had light beaming down at me into my eyes, I couldn’t see who it was. All I could hear was a voice.
“Deirdre, it’s good to see you. We just have a few questions.”
“Okay.”
My palms were sweating all of a sudden and I had no idea why I was having such a hard time with this. It was just questions and I didn’t have anything to hide.
“We wanted to start by asking you how things are going with you and your husband.”
I smiled at the question because that was something that I felt safe to talk about. Things were going great for me and Danny and I was secure in that. Everything else was up in the air, but we were solid. I knew that he was the man that I wanted to be with, no matter what. That was more than I’d ever had before and even though the loss of this feeling consumed me at times, I’d never been happier in all of my life.
“We are doing really good.”
“And how have you found living together?”
“Very well. We are closer than ever.”
“Have you learned about Danny?”
“Of course. We are around each other all the time, save for work. It would be hard not to know him by now.”
“But your husband works many late nights and extended hours, doesn’t he?”
There were warning bells going off in my head as she asked the questions, but she spun them out quickly, so that I felt obligated to answer with just as fast a response. The only difference was that the interviewer most likely had a cue card to tell her what to say and I was just winging it. It felt like I was being baited and I didn’t like the idea of why. What did she know that I didn’t know? What was she holding over the top of my head?
“Yes, he does work very hard.”
Danny
We got out of the confessional interview and I could tell that something was bothering Deirdre. When she told me that she didn’t want to talk about it, I knew that It had to be something bad because she was never this quiet. Did Joe was the type that was only quiet when she was upset. Now I had to figure out what it was that she was upset about.
“So, what is going on Deirdre? What did they want to know?”
For a moment I didn't think she was going to answer me and when she finally looked at me, she had strange look in her eyes that I couldn't really put my finger on.
“Just the same old stuff. How we are getting along and if I think we're going to stay together. That sort of thing.”
“You just look different today.”
I don't know. I guess I have a lot of my mind. Is there anything that you need to tell me? You know before everything goes live and it's on TV?
It felt like she was alluding to something, but I wasn't sure what it was. I certainly hadn't done anything to tell her about, although I had been looking into different restaurants in the area. I wanted to get her started in the direction she wanted. She told me how she wanted a coffee shop place where artist could go and be creative. I wasn't really sure what that meant in real terms, but it gave me an idea of how much space she was looking for.
“Not that I can think of, why?”
She shrugged like it was no big deal, but I knew that it was more of a big deal than she was making it out to be. Deirdre was a lot of things, but dramatic wasn’t one of them.
“I don't know. I was just asking.”
I didn't like playing this game and instead of going back and forth for a while, I finally just asked her what it was that was going on. It was easier this way and if she gave me even half an answer it had to be better than this.
There is obviously something on your mind Deirdre. So why don't you just come out with it and make this a lot easier on both of us?”
“Why do you think I have something on my mind?”
“Because you can barely look me in my eyes and that usually means that you got something going on. Just tell me what it is.”
Sometimes talking to her was like pulling teeth. She would pull herself into some sort of shell, where nothing could reach her, not even me. It was frustrating to say the least, but at the same time I knew that it was worth it. There was obviously something going on and I was going to do everything I could to reassure her. Once in a while she needed a little reassurance.
“It was just some of the questions that they asked me today. It felt like they were fishing for information or trying to get reactions that are going to get me with later. I just wanted to know Danny. I just want to know what it is, so that I can prepare myself for it. You know that I don’t like surprises.”
For a moment I wracked my mind, trying to establish what it was that she was talking about. There really was no tell with her and the way things were going with me lately, I didn't even want to think about it.
“There is nothing to tell.”
“I mean, you know that they have been around us a lot in the last three months. It's not just when we here and do the official confessionals, but I think I’ve seen a couple of cameramen from the show when we were out and about as well. Once when I was at the gym, so we are being tailed too I think.”
“Was that in the contract?”
All that information bothered me, because I didn't like the idea that they were able to follow us around. I certainly wouldn’t have given that permission. I had too many things going on too many burners, that never needed to cross and certain things that didn't need to come out in public. I had been so focused on marrying Deirdre, that I hadn’t really thought about everything else, the consequences of my rash decision.
“I don't know. Why does it matter? Seems unapplied.”
“Are you okay with him following us around?
“I don't have anything to hide Danny, so yeah, why not? That is pretty much the whole point of this thing. We get married, we give them a show and we get a million dollars at the end of it.”
I wasn't going to
argue with her right now, because it felt like a very bad time to do so. She was already on edge about something and just getting a straight answer out of her as to why she was upset, was hard enough. I certainly didn't want to jump into the water right now. It was boiling hot and frothing.
“Like I said before Deirdre. I have no idea what you're talking about. You know what I do every day, so I'm not too worried about what the show is trying to come up with. You know that they are going to spin it whatever way they can to make it more interesting. I'm fine with that, aren't you?”
“Of course, is just... With your record.”
I waited for her to finish, but I could see that she didn't have the guts to. It was just as well, as far as I was concerned because I had a feeling I knew where this was going.
“I do have a record. I've been with quite a few women, but none of that matters now. They are all in the past and I don't see why it should matter in the present.”
“Because it matters. How do you not know that?”
Frustration was hitting me very quickly, because this was a no-win situation. She was upset about something that the interviewer had asked her, but I had no idea what it was. She also seemed to have no desire to tell me what it was, so I was left in the dark, a place where I didn’t want to be.
“I can’t change what I did before I met you Deirdre. Surely you have to see that. I mean, what do you want me to say?”
“I know that you think I’m being silly, but it’s a lot of women. I did do an internet search on you and I found a lot more than I thought I would.”
“I’ve had my moments.”
“So, I’ve read.”
I groaned out loud because the damn confessional had ruined the day. I don’t even know what happened, but it certainly affected her in a big way. Now I was going to have explain the past that until now, I never really worried about.
She had changed everything, and this was going to be a long conversation.
The conversation went on until long into the night. I thought we had it all worked out and I had assured her enough I hoped. I wanted her to have faith in me and believe me, but I wasn’t sure how it was all going to work out. It was hard for me to imagine it, but there was something very peaceful about how she laid in my arms. It was a moment where nothing could go wrong.
Then my phone started to blow up and after about the fourth set of rings, I knew that something was going to be majorly wrong. It wasn’t going to be good, whatever it was.
Slipping us from around Deirdre, I went to the phone because I wanted it to stop ringing, as much as I wanted to know what was going on. Something was, or there wouldn’t be so many people calling me on this phone, at this time of night. I steeled myself for what was going to come next.
It wasn’t enough.
Deirdre
“I thought we agreed that we had to go to work like grown-ups?”
“I did say that, but that doesn’t mean that we have to.”
“So where is it that you want to go, that is so important that you wanted to ditch work?”
“Nowhere. I just want to stay home with you. Lay in bed. Mess around. You know that sort of thing.”
I don't know what has gotten into him but honestly, I really didn't understand Danny half of the time. One moment I thought I knew him well, and the next moment he was doing things that pretty much left me scratching my head, wondering what the hell just happened. This was one of those moments.
As soon as we woke up this morning, it was clear that he had something on his mind, so I didn't find out until later what it was.
“I thought you said you have a bunch of meetings today. Remember?”
He made a face for a moment and I could tell that he had forgotten all about it. Something had come up and I felt like he was keeping it from me. I wanted to know what it was, but I had no idea how to find out.
“I am not too worried about that.”
“Then what are you worried about it all of a sudden?”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing.”
It all felt pretty damn shady and I told him whether he wanted to go to work or not, I was going to go. I wanted to get some things moved over to the new studio that he had put together at his house. It was a bigger space, better light and I was already thinking about all the good things I can do there.
But once again, he was holding me back for one reason or another. I wanted to know what it was, because I wanted to get on with my day. What he was describing was staying in bed for another day. We have been doing it for a while now. Too many times, if I was honest with myself. It was very easy to fall into bed with him and forget everything for a while, but I didn't want to do that. The last thing I needed to get kicked back into the black hole that could be Danny at times.
“Well whatever you decide to do, I hope you have a good day Danny.”
He opened his mouth like he was going to say something and then clamped it back down rather quickly. I just shook my head and I didn't even try to figure it out. I needed to get out of the house, get some fresh air and get back to my place for a little bit to pick up some things. After that, I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I did have some orders that I needed to take care of later.
As I was leaving Danny’s house, I thought about how he’d been acting. The gameshow that we were on, started airing the night before, but we had both agreed not to watch it. The very last thing I wanted to do was see myself on TV. I hated the idea that I was even going to be on there, but it was comforting to know that the show didn't do very well. I honestly didn't know where it was coming up with the million dollars to pay the people that made it, but from what I gathered, only one couple in five seasons had gotten the full payout. I was determined that we would be the second.
Nonetheless, I knew that I was going to be one of those people. I was going to make it to the end and since me and Danny were getting along so well now, it looked like it was even more guaranteed.
I didn't get far before I found out exactly why my husband was acting so strange this morning. I was upset about what was written on the front page of the paper, or the fact that my picture was underneath it, but more than that, I was pissed off that he hadn't told me. It was obvious to me now that Danny knew about all the publicity, but he chose not to tell me. He wanted me to find out this way and I was rather livid with him for that choice.
After seeing my face on several covers, I did what any normal person would do. I bought every single one of them that I could find and put some in the car with me. I started leafing through the magazine, trying to find the correct page with the article about the tiny little TV show that was now making headline news. Apparently, the show had gotten some attraction because of the drama that was going on between the couples. And the first week, there were already two that were gone, but more than that, was the information that they had gotten on my husband. The fact that I was in the dark about it was played up by the gameshow and it had become quite a controversy that I really wished I wasn’t in.
The funny thing was, that according to all the articles that I was reading, our marriage was in turbulence and nobody knew if we were going to make it through the rest of the month. Until then, I didn't know that we even had any troubles.
For a second, I thought that it wasn’t going to be so bad. I don't know why, but the first article made it seem like it was a little scandalous, but not so bad. It wasn't something that I couldn't get through and get over.
The second article and the third one and the fourth one and the fifth one, seemed to have a completely different angle and they had done their research. Not just that, but they had gotten people from Danny’s past to speak up and do an interview. Obviously, nothing that they said was going to be good and it all turned into a big mess. I couldn't believe what was going on and I didn’t want to be around it.
But the more I read on, the worse it got. There were a lot of women in his life and his past was filled with many who were dying to get s
ome attention. It was easy to do when there was a chance and I read about three interviews with some of his exes, then I was just done reading it. I was starting to consider if this was worth it or not. What had I gotten myself into?
The worse one, was the idea that he was already cheating on me. There were pictures of my husband leaving a place with a woman close behind. There were no kissing pictures, but I was sure it was only a matter of time before they came out. And of course, the woman looked a lot like Elaine.
Instead of working or being creative, all of my plans were shot for the day. I couldn’t think, and I wanted to get out of the space I shared with Danny. I didn’t want to think about him and the truth was that I was crushed. Not only did he have a past that was impossible to think about, but now he was cheating as well. There had been a while that we weren’t together, but that didn’t mean that I thought he was going to go out and get it somewhere else.
I went to my place and tried to collect myself, something that wasn’t so easy to do. I worried about so many things, but the real worries was that I wasn’t going to be able to stop myself. I’d fallen for Danny and now I was going to have to back away. It was too much. I’d let my emotions get the best of me. That was never the idea. Sure, I was supposed to get married, but that didn’t mean that I was supposed to fall in love with him. Now I had and like I knew from the beginning, it was a bad idea all the way around.
I sulked at my apartment and did something I said I wasn’t going to do. I watched the taping of the first episode and I was ready to end it all. I was never one to get attention and I’d known from the moment that they started asking questions, that the show was trying to spin something. I hadn’t known what, but my fake marriage was an even bigger farce than I’d given it credit for. Everything that Danny told me was a lie.
Danny
I knew as soon as the first episode aired, that it wasn't going to be good. Not only was there a lot of drama coming my way because of the actual episode itself. I didn't feel the same way about it as Deirdre and I of course had to see it. It wasn't good at all. I knew that it was worse when I got some information from my lawyer for the company. It wasn't just the fact that they were trying to make it like I was cheating on my wife, but it hadn't been enough of a problem that now I was going to have to explain to my board what was going on. They did not like all of the bad publicity.