by Richard Ford
He squeezed her hand tightly, then eased up.
“I’d like to make you happy somehow,” he said in a sincere voice, and waited while Joséphine said nothing. She did not remove her hand, but neither did she answer. It was as if what he’d said didn’t mean anything, or that possibly she wasn’t even listening to him. “It’s just human,” Austin said, as though she had said something back, had said, “Why?” or “Don’t try,” or “You couldn’t possibly,” or “It’s too late.”
“What?” She looked at him for the first time since they’d stopped. “It’s what?” She had not understood him.
“It’s only human to want to make someone happy,” Austin said, holding her warm, nearly weightless hand. “I like you very much, you know that.” These were the right words, as ordinary as they sounded.
“Yes. Well. For what?” Joséphine said in a cold voice. “You are married. You have a wife. You live far away. In two days, three days, I don’t know, you will leave. So. For what do you like me?” Her face seemed impenetrable, as though she were addressing a cab driver who’d just said something inappropriately familiar. She left her hand in his hand but looked straight ahead.
Austin wanted to speak again. He wished to say something— likewise absolutely correct—into this new void she’d opened between them, words no one could plan to say or even know in advance, but something that admitted to what she’d said, conceded his acquiescence to it, yet allowed another moment to occur during which the two of them would enter onto new and uncharted ground.
Though the only thing that Austin could say—and he had no idea why, since it sounded asinine and ruinous—was: People have paid a dear price for getting involved with me. Which were definitely the wrong words, since to his knowledge they weren’t particularly true, and even if they were, they were so boastful and melodramatic as to cause Joséphine or anyone else to break out laughing.
Still, he could say that and immediately have it all be over between them and forget about it, which might be a relief. Though relief was not what he wanted. He wanted something to go forward between them, something definite and realistic and in keeping with the facts of their lives; to advance into that area where nothing actually seemed possible at the moment.
Austin slowly let go of Joséphine’s hand. Then he reached both of his hands to her face and turned it toward him, and leaned across the open space and said, just before he kissed her, “I’m at least going to kiss you. I feel like I’m entitled to do that, and I’m going to.”
Joséphine Belliard did not resist him at all, though she did not in any way concur. Her face was soft and compliant. She had a plain, not in the least full, mouth, and when Austin put his lips against hers she did not move toward him. She let herself be kissed, and Austin was immediately, cruelly aware of it. This is what was taking place: he was forcing himself on this woman, and a feeling came over him as he pressed his lips more completely onto hers that he was delusionary and foolish and pathetic—the kind of man he would make fun of if he heard himself described using only these facts as evidence. It was an awful feeling, like being old, and he felt his insides go hollow and his arms become heavy as cudgels. He wanted to disappear from this car seat and remember none of the idiotic things he had just an instant before been thinking. This had now been the first permanent move, when potentiality ended, and it had been the wrong one, the worst one possible. It was ludicrous.
Though before he could move his lips away, he realized Joséphine Belliard was saying something, speaking with her lips against his lips, faintly, and that by not resisting him she was in fact kissing him, her face almost unconsciously giving up to his intention. What she was saying all the while Austin was kissing her thin mouth was—whisperingly, almost dreamily— “Non, non, non, non, non. Please. I can’t. I can’t. Non, non.”
Though she didn’t stop. No was not what she meant exactly— she let her lips slightly part in a gesture of recognition. And after a moment, a long suspended moment, Austin inched away, sat back in his seat and took a deep breath. He put his hands back in his lap, and let the kiss fill the space between them, a space he had somehow hoped to fill with words. It was the most unexpected and enticing thing that could’ve come of his wish to do right.
She did not take an audible breath. She merely sat as she’d sat before he’d kissed her, and did not speak or seem to have anything in her mind to say. Things were mostly as they had been before he’d kissed her, only he had kissed her—they had kissed—and that made all the difference in the world.
“I’d like to see you tomorrow,” Austin said very resolutely.
“Yes,” Joséphine said almost sorrowfully, as if she couldn’t help agreeing. “Okay.”
And he was satisfied then that there was nothing else to say. Things were as they should be. Nothing would go wrong.
“Good night,” Austin said with the same resolution as before. He opened the car door and hauled himself out onto the street.
“Okay,” she said. She didn’t look out the door, though he leaned back into the opening and looked at her. She had her hands on the steering wheel, staring straight ahead, appearing no different really from when she’d stopped to let him out five minutes before—only slightly more fatigued.
He wanted to say one more good word that would help balance how she felt at that moment—not that he had the slightest idea how she felt. She was opaque to him, completely opaque, and that was not even so interesting. Though all he could think to say was something as inane as the last thing had been ruinous. Two people don’t see the same landscape. These were the terrible words he thought, though he didn’t say them. He just smiled in at her, stood up, pushed the door closed firmly and stepped slowly back so Joséphine could turn and start down rue de Mézières. He watched her drive away and could tell that she did not look at him in the rearview mirror. It was as though in a moment he did not exist.
2
What Austin hoped would be the rue de Vaugirard, leading around and up to Joséphine’s apartment, turned out instead to be the rue St.-Jacques. He had walked much too far and was now near the medical college, where there were only lightless shop windows containing drab medical texts and dusty, passed-over antiques.
He did not know Paris well—only a few hotels he’d stayed in and a few restaurants he didn’t want to eat in again. He couldn’t keep straight which arrondissement was which, what direction anything was from anything else, how to take the metro, or even how to leave town, except by airplane. All the large streets looked the same and traveled at confusing angles to one another, and all the famous landmarks seemed to be in unexpected locations when they peeked up into view above the building tops. In the two days he’d been back in Paris—after leaving home in a fury and taking the plane to Orly—he’d tried to make a point of remembering in which direction on the Boulevard St.-Germain the numbers got larger. But he couldn’t keep it straight, and in fact he couldn’t always find the Boulevard St.-Germain when he wanted to.
At rue St.-Jacques he looked down toward where he thought would be the river and the Petit Pont bridge, and there they were. It was a warm spring day, and the sidewalks along the riverbanks were jammed with tourists cruising the little picture stalls and gaping at the vast cathedral on the other side.
The prospect down the rue St.-Jacques seemed for an instant familiar—a pharmacy front he recognized, a café with a distinctive name. Horloge. He looked back up the street he’d come down and saw that he was only half a block away from the small hotel he’d once stayed in with his wife, Barbara. The Hôtel de la Tour de Notre Dame, which had advertised a view of the cathedral but from which no such view was possible. The hotel was run by Pakistanis and had rooms so small you couldn’t have your suitcase open and also reach the window. He’d brought Barbara with him on business—it was four years ago—and she had shopped and visited museums and eaten lunch along the Quai de la Tournelle while he made his customer calls. They had stayed out of the room as long as possible until fatigue d
umped them in bed in front of the indecipherable French TV, which eventually put them to sleep.
Austin remembered very clearly now, standing on the busy sidewalk on his way to Joséphine Belliard’s apartment, that he and Barbara had left Paris on the first of April—intending to take a direct flight back to Chicago. Though, once they’d struggled their heavy luggage out of the room, crammed themselves into the tiny, airless elevator and emerged into the lobby, looking like beleaguered refugees but ready to settle their bill and depart, the Pakistani room clerk, who spoke crisp British English, looked across the reception desk in an agitated way and said, “Oh, Mr. Austin, have you not heard the bad news? I’m sorry.”
“What’s that?” Austin had said, out of breath. “What bad news?” He looked at Barbara, who was holding a garment bag and a hat-box, not wanting to hear any bad news now.
“There is a quite terrible strike,” the clerk said and looked very grave. “The airport’s closed down completely. No one can leave Paris today. And, I’m sorry to say, we have already booked your room for another guest. A Japanese. I’m so, so sorry.”
Austin had stood amid his suitcases, breathing in the air of defeat and frustration and anger he felt certain it would be useless to express. He stared out the lobby window at the street. The sky was cloudy and the wind slightly chilled. He heard Barbara say behind him, as much to herself as to him, “Oh well. We’ll do something. We’ll find another place. It’s too bad. Maybe it’ll be an adventure.”
Austin looked at the clerk, a little beige man with neat black hair and a white cotton jacket, standing behind his marble desk. The clerk was smiling. This was all the same to him, Austin realized: that they had no place to go; that they were tired of Paris; that they had brought too much luggage and bought too much to take home; that they had slept badly every night; that the weather was inexplicably changing to colder; that they were out of money and sick of the arrogant French. None of this mattered to this man—in some ways, Austin sensed, it may even have pleased him, pleased him enough to make him smile.
“What’s so goddamned funny?” Austin had said to the smug little subcontinental. “Why’s my bad luck a source of such goddamned amusement to you?” This man would be the focus of his anger. He couldn’t help himself. Anger couldn’t make anything worse. “Doesn’t it matter that we’re guests of this hotel and we’re in a bit of a bad situation here?” He heard what he knew was a pleading voice.
“April fool!” the clerk said and broke out in a squeaking little laughter. “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It is only a joke, monsieur,” the man said, so pleased with himself, even more than when he’d told Austin the lie. “The airport is perfectly fine. It is open. You can leave. There is no trouble. It’s fine. It was only a joke. Bon voyage, Mr. Austin. Bon voyage.”
3
For the two days after she had left him standing in the street at midnight, after he had kissed her the first time and felt that he had done something exactly right, Austin saw a great deal of Joséphine Belliard. He’d had plans to take the TGV to Brussels and then go on to Amsterdam, and from there fly to Chicago and home. But the next morning he sent messages to his customers and to the office, complaining of “medical problems” which had inexplicably “recurred,” although he felt it was “probably nothing serious.” He would conclude his business by fax when he was home the next week. He told Barbara he’d decided to stay in Paris a few extra days—to relax, to do things he’d never taken the time to do. Visit Balzac’s house, maybe. Walk the streets like a tourist. Rent a car. Drive to Fontainebleau.
As to Joséphine Belliard, he decided he would spend every minute he could with her. He did not for an instant think that he loved her, or that keeping each other’s company would lead him or her to anything important. He was married; he had nothing to give her. To get deluded about such a thing was to bring on nothing but trouble—the kind of trouble that when you’re younger you glance away from, but when you’re older you ignore at risk. Hesitancy in the face of trouble, he felt, was probably a virtue.
But short of that he did all he could. Together they went to a movie. They went to a museum. They visited Notre Dame and the Palais Royal. They walked together in the narrow streets of the Faubourg St.-Germain. They looked in store windows. They acted like lovers. Touched. She allowed him to hold her hand. They exchanged knowing looks. He discovered what made her laugh, listened carefully for her small points of pride. She stayed as she had been—seemingly uninterested, but willing—as if it was all his idea and her duty, only a duty she surprisingly liked. Austin felt this very reluctance in her was compelling, attractive. And it caused him to woo her in a way that made him admire his own intensity. He took her to dinner in two expensive places, went with her to her apartment, met her son, met the country woman she paid to care for him during the week, saw where she lived, slept, ate, then stood gazing out her apartment windows to the Jardin du Luxembourg and down the peaceful streets of her neighborhood. He saw her life, which he found he was curious about, and once he’d satisfied that curiosity he felt as though he’d accomplished something, something that was not easy or ordinary.
She told him not much more about herself and, again, asked nothing about him, as if his life didn’t matter to her. She told him she had once visited America, had met a musician in California and decided to live with him in his small wooden house by the beach in Santa Cruz. This was in the early seventies. She had been a teenager. Only one morning—it was after four months—she woke up on a mattress on the floor, underneath a rug made out of a tanned cowhide, got up, packed her bag and left.
“This was too much,” Joséphine said, sitting in the window of her apartment, looking out at the twilight and the street where children were kicking a soccer ball. The musician had been disturbed and angry, she said, but she had come back to France and her parents’ house. “You cannot live a long time where you don’t belong. It’s true?” She looked at him and elevated her shoulders. He was sitting in a chair, drinking a glass of red wine, contemplating the rooftops, enjoying how the tawny light burnished the delicate scrollwork cornices of the apartment buildings visible from the one he was in. Jazz was playing softly on the stereo, a sinuous saxophone solo. “It’s true, no?” she said. “You can’t.”
“Exactly right,” Austin said. He had grown up in Peoria. He lived on the northwest side of Chicago. He’d attended a state U. He felt she was exactly right, although he saw nothing wrong in being here at this moment, enjoying the sunlight as it gradually faded then disappeared from the rooftops he could see from this woman’s rooms. That seemed permissible.
She told him about her husband. His picture was on the wall in Léo’s room—a bulbous-faced, dark-skinned Jew, with a thick black mustache that made him look like an Armenian. Slightly disappointing, Austin had thought. He’d imagined Bernard as being handsome, a smooth-skinned Louis Jourdan type with the fatal flaw of being boring. The real man looked like what he was—a fat man who once wrote French radio jingles.
Joséphine said that her affair had proved to her that she did not love her husband, although perhaps she once had, and that while for some people to live with a person you did not love was possible, it was not possible for her. She looked at Austin as if to underscore the point. This was not, of course, how she had first explained her feelings for her husband, when she said she’d felt she could resume their life after her affair but that her husband had left her flat. This was how she felt now, Austin thought, and the truth certainly lay somewhere in the middle. In any case, it didn’t matter to him. She said her husband gave her very little money now, saw his son infrequently, had been seen with a new girlfriend who was German, and of course had written the terrible book, which everyone she knew was reading, causing her immense pain and embarrassment.
“But,” she said, and shook her head as if shaking the very thoughts out of her mind. “What I can do, yes? I live my life now, here, with my son. I have twenty-five more years to work, then I’m finished.”
/> “Maybe something better’ll come along,” Austin said. He didn’t know what that might be, but he disliked her being so pessimistic. It felt like she was somehow blaming him, which he thought was very French. A more hopeful, American point of view, he thought, would help.
“What is it? What will be better?” Joséphine said, and she looked at him not quite bitterly, but helplessly. “What is going to happen? Tell me. I want to know.”
Austin set his wineglass carefully on the polished floor, climbed out of his chair and walked to the open window where she sat, and below which the street was slowly being cast into grainy darkness. There was the bump of the soccer ball still being kicked aimlessly against a wall over and over, and behind that the sound of a car engine being revved down the block. Austin put his arms around her arms and put his mouth against her cool cheek and held her to him tightly.
“Maybe someone will come along who loves you,” he said. He was offering encouragement, and he knew she knew that and would take it in a good spirit. “You wouldn’t be hard to love. Not at all.” He held her more tightly to him. “In fact,” he said, “you’d be very easy to love.”
Joséphine let herself be pulled, be gathered in. She let her head fall against his shoulder. It was perilous to be where she was, Austin thought, in the window, with a man holding her. He could feel the cool outside air on the backs of his hands and against his face, half in, half out. It was thrilling, even though Joséphine did not put her arms around him, did not reciprocate his touch in any way, only let him hold her as if pleasing him was easy but did not matter to her a great deal.
That night he took her to dinner at the Closerie des Lilas, a famous bistro where writers and artists had been frequenters in the twenties—a bright, glassy and noisy place where the two of them drank champagne, held hands, but did not talk much. They seemed to be running out of things to say. The next most natural things would be subjects that connected them, subjects with some future built in. But Austin was leaving in the morning, and those subjects didn’t seem to interest either of them, though Austin could feel their pull, could imagine below the surface of unyielding facts that there could be a future for them. Certainly under different, better circumstances they would be lovers, would immediately begin to spend more time together, discover what there was to discover between them. Austin had a strong urge to say these very things to her as they sat silently over their champagne, just to go ahead and put that much on the table from his side and see what it called forth from hers. But the restaurant was too noisy. Once he tried to begin, the words sounded too loud. And these were not that kind of words. These were important words and needed to be said respectfully, even solemnly, with their inevitable sense of loss built in.