by Heidi Swain
‘Not really,’ I said, not paying him much attention.
‘Well, I think it is,’ he puffed. ‘It’s making me feel a bit breathless.’
‘It’s fine,’ I murmured, working my way along the counter to find what I wanted.
Ryan nodded but didn’t comment, and when I looked up at him he did look a bit peaky.
‘If you walk to the end of any of these rows,’ I told him, ‘you’ll find your way out. It’s just like a big square really—’
‘I’ll see you in a minute then,’ he said, striding off before I had even finished.
When I found him, sitting on some steps, he looked deathly pale and his hands were shaking.
‘Are you all right?’ I frowned. ‘You could have picked a better place to stop.’
The public conveniences weren’t the nicest the city had to offer.
‘I’m fine,’ he said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he stood up. ‘I’m just not great in enclosed spaces, that’s all.’
‘I daresay it feels a bit different when you’re so tall,’ I said, looking back at the warren of stalls and knowing he would resent it if I made a fuss.
‘It’s not that,’ he mumbled.
‘How about we go somewhere and get a coffee?’ I suggested.
His face had a bit more colour by the time we had wandered over to the café in the Forum, paid for our drinks and found a table with a modicum of shade outside.
‘Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?’ I asked.
It wasn’t like him to miss out on an opportunity to snack and the glazed pastries had looked tempting.
‘I’m good,’ he said, shaking his head, ‘thanks.’
‘So, what was all that about then?’ I asked. ‘Back there in the market, you seemed really shaken up.’
I kept the question as gently phrased as I could. I had no desire to annoy him, but it would be handy to know what pushed his buttons. A big sister should know stuff like that, shouldn’t she? A big sister who had been there wouldn’t have had to ask, my mind uncharitably reminded me.
‘Enclosed spaces,’ he eventually croaked with a shudder. ‘I hate them.’
I hadn’t thought the market was particularly enclosed, but then there was more of Ryan to fill it than me.
‘Ever since one of Mum’s blokes used to lock me in my bedroom,’ he went on, ‘I’ve had a thing about being shut in.’
‘What?’ I gasped.
This was news to me and unwelcome news at that.
‘Given my age I should have been able to handle it, and it wasn’t like it was a small room.’ He shrugged. He was trying to sound offhand but failing. ‘But it was knowing I couldn’t get out if I wanted to. It freaked me out and I’ve haven’t been able to cope with confined spaces since.’
‘When was this?’
Ryan looked thoughtful.
‘Not long after Dad left,’ he told me. ‘The bloke said I was a pain in the arse and he didn’t want me disturbing him and Mum, so he used to lock me in my room.’
‘Did Mum know?’
‘Dunno.’ He shrugged again.
He stirred his coffee, keeping his eyes on the table rather than looking at me.
‘I really am sorry about your dad, Ryan,’ I said softly. ‘He was a good bloke.’
‘He was the best.’ Ryan sniffed. ‘I used to stay with him as much as I could. He used to take me to work with him. It was brilliant.’
Ryan’s dad had been an extremely successful businessman. He had worked in the building trade all his life and specialised in renovation projects. He could turn his hand to pretty much any job and I realised my brother could have had a career for life thanks to him, had things turned out differently.
‘Was your apprenticeship going to be with him?’ I asked, the penny only just dropping.
‘No, one of his mates,’ Ryan explained. ‘Dad said it would be good to work with someone else in the trade. Broaden my horizons a bit.’
‘Couldn’t you have carried on with that?’ I asked. ‘Surely your dad’s mate . . .’
‘I would have done, but she made us move, didn’t she?’ he said bitterly. ‘So, I thought fuck it and enrolled for A levels.’
I didn’t know what to say.
‘And what a waste of time that’s been,’ he barked.
‘Don’t say that,’ I said, reaching out and grabbing his hand. ‘I’m going to talk to the college. I’ll sort it out. We’ll sort it out. Maybe you could switch to a different course. Get this term out of the way and start fresh in September.’
Being a summer baby meant that Ryan had finished school at fifteen, so starting over shouldn’t prove too complicated.
He sniffed again and pulled his hand away.
‘Maybe,’ he said. ‘We’ll see. Can we talk about something else?’
‘Okay.’ I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. ‘Yeah.’
We talked about my return to work the following week and how I hoped he hadn’t been too bored during half-term.
‘I know the garden isn’t really your cup of tea.’ I smiled.
He had trailed over with me a few times but hadn’t joined in with anything.
‘It’s all right,’ he said, ‘and hanging out with Jacob has been okay. He’s about as keen on the place as I am.’
I hoped that wasn’t true but was grateful that my neighbour had stuck to his word and been on hand to talk to Ryan when it became obvious that he’d had enough of my company. Ryan’s arrival coinciding with Jacob’s holiday had certainly helped ease the transition from living alone to sharing my life with my little brother. It was a relief to hear he liked my neighbour, even though they weren’t anywhere near the same age, because talking to another guy might be just what Ryan needed. It was then that I remembered Jacob’s offer to take him to the youth centre.
‘Jacob is a good bloke,’ I said, trying not to sound as if I was leading up to something.
Ryan grinned.
‘What?’ I demanded, caught off guard.
‘Nothing.’ He carried on smiling but didn’t elaborate.
‘He was wondering if you might like to help out at the local youth centre,’ I said. ‘It’s having a bit of a makeover and they could do with some more help with the decorating and stuff. You’d be perfect.’
‘Maybe.’
‘He volunteers there,’ I added, feeling somewhat encouraged that he hadn’t dismissed the idea.
‘I suppose I could give the place a look.’
‘Excellent.’ I smiled.
I didn’t want to push my luck so didn’t mention the potential counselling. I thought it best to leave that to Jacob.
‘So,’ I said, ‘I’ve been meaning to ask if you’ve got a girlfriend back home? Or a boyfriend,’ I quickly added, not wanting to be presumptuous.
‘You must be kidding.’ Ryan snorted. ‘Do you really think I’m interested in relationships after being exposed to Mum’s idea of one?’
‘Point taken,’ I said, ‘but don’t let her example stop you—’
‘You can talk,’ he butted in. ‘You’re probably as screwed up about it all as I am.’
‘No, I’m not,’ I told him. ‘I have nothing against relationships.’
That was perfectly true. I’d had my share of dates and I enjoyed being one half of a couple. I just hadn’t found the person who I wanted to be with for longer than a few months, that was all.
‘And when the right chap comes along . . .’ I went on.
‘You’ll know, will you?’ Ryan laughed, but I didn’t know what at.
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I will. Now, drink up. We’re on watering duty tonight and you promised to cook me dinner.’
*
After another pasta-based meal I took a leap of faith and left Ryan home alone while I went to meet up with everyone in The Dragon. Initially I had been expecting him to want to tag along, but after another day in each other’s company he said he was happy to ‘just chill’ (his words, not mine) and have an early n
ight.
‘So,’ said Lou as we moved our glasses to make room for her mood board and piles of paint charts. ‘What do you think?’
‘Wow,’ gasped Colin, as he took in the details of what she had sketched. ‘Are you sure this is my shop?’
‘It could be.’ Lou smiled.
‘I thought you were just going to slap some paint about,’ said Mark, who had now been told all about the potential Reading Room renovation. ‘This must have taken you ages, Lou.’
‘Well . . .’ Lou paused, and as I looked up I caught her staring fondly at the back of Colin’s bent head, ‘if a thing is worth doing . . .’
‘It’s worth doing properly,’ finished Jacob.
‘This is amazing,’ Colin sighed.
So in awe of his beloved’s creative talent he had missed the expression on Lou’s face; but I had spotted it. It was more than obvious that she wanted him to like what she’d come up with.
‘And the colours?’ she asked huskily. ‘Are they what you had in mind?’
‘I honestly don’t know what I had in mind,’ Colin laughed. ‘But this is perfect. I can’t wait to get started!’
Lou was clearly delighted and the rest of us were in complete agreement. The only eyes at the table that didn’t look impressed belonged to the dog, Gus, who Colin then passed between us as Lou told us about a trip to France she was planning and Mark extolled the delights of a new rye flour he had tracked down. After the chatter died down, the little dog still didn’t look any happier.
‘So,’ said Colin as he tried to settle Gus comfortably on his lap. ‘How are things with you, Poppy? How’s Ryan?’
‘Good,’ I said, thinking back over the week, ‘really good. He’s sorting his washing and can cook a bowl of pasta, so it’s all heading in the right direction.’
‘You’re obviously teaching him some valuable life skills.’ Colin smiled encouragingly. ‘Have you been into the college yet?’
‘No,’ I said, ‘not yet. There’s no one about during the holidays so we’ve just spent the week settling in.’
I didn’t mention the conversation we’d had about his dad, but I couldn’t shake off the sad stuff Ryan was having to deal with as well as the downright horrible.
‘Here’s Neil,’ said Mark, draining his pint. ‘Finally. What time do you call this?’
‘Sorry,’ said Neil, holding up his hands, ‘I didn’t realise it was so late.’
‘Do you want a drink?’ Jacob offered.
‘No thanks,’ said Neil, ‘I’ve just come to collect the Mrs.’
‘Cheek,’ said Mark, standing up. ‘I can find my own way home.’
‘I know you can, but I thought it would be nice to go to bed together for once.’
‘Too much information!’ Lou laughed.
‘What I mean is’ – Neil blushed – ‘I finish work late and he gets up early so I thought—’
‘It’s all right,’ I interjected, ‘we know what you meant. I don’t suppose you noticed music thumping over at my place, did you? Or gangs of teenagers marauding about?’
‘Nope,’ said Neil, ‘all quiet on the Preston Front. In fact, I don’t think there was even a light on.’
Ryan must have opted for that early night.
‘Right,’ said Mark, kissing us all as he edged his way round the table, ‘night night, boys and girls.’
‘I wish you wouldn’t do that,’ said Colin, quickly wiping his cheek.
‘I know you do,’ said Mark with a wink, ‘that’s why I do it!’
‘And there was me thinking the troublesome neighbours had moved out,’ Jacob said laughingly as the couple finally left.
‘You look relieved, Pops,’ said Lou. ‘Did you think Ryan would be up to no good?’
‘No,’ I said, ‘of course not.’
She raised her eyebrows and I felt my temper bristle a little. I knew that she had a brother who had been an absolute ratbag throughout his teens but I didn’t want her judging Ryan based on her experiences. What my brother had had to deal with in the last couple of years and what her brother had got up to were poles apart.
‘What’s that look supposed to mean?’ I snapped.
‘Nothing,’ she replied.
‘You have no idea what he’s been through,’ I told her, my voice rising as I jumped to Ryan’s defence. ‘I’m only just beginning to realise the full extent of it myself.’
‘I really didn’t mean anything, Poppy,’ she said again.
‘Oh, never mind,’ I muttered, ‘I better get home.’
‘It wasn’t my intention to piss you off,’ Lou said, sounding tearful. ‘Don’t go.’
‘I know you didn’t,’ I conceded, feeling sorry for snapping. ‘It’s just that Ryan told me some stuff today and it’s knocked me for six. I really should get back.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ said Jacob. ‘I could do with an early night ahead of the weekend you’ve got planned for me.’
I had suggested that all the Nightingale Square residents should get together to have an elderflower gathering over the weekend and then have an en-masse cordial-making session after. The weather looked as though it was going to be perfect and there was plenty to harvest. The elements had been behaving themselves beautifully since the late snowstorm and everything seemed to be celebrating with an early abundance as a result.
I told Lou I loved her plans for the Reading Room and we hugged before Jacob and I left. As we walked back to the square it became increasingly difficult to stave off the tears that had been threatening ever since Ryan had talked about his dad and how different his life had been since his death.
‘Are you all right?’ asked Jacob, when it became obvious that I wasn’t.
‘No,’ I sniffed, ‘I’m not. It’s been one hell of a day.’
Had I not been narky with Lou back in the pub I would have made it to my bed before I blubbed, but the brief bout of tension between us had pushed me over the edge.
‘Here,’ said Jacob, passing me a bundle of tissues.
‘Thanks,’ I said, stopping to wipe my eyes and blow my nose. ‘You don’t strike me as the tissue-carrying type.’
‘You’re forgetting I’m a teacher,’ he reminded me, ‘of little ones.’
That was something I did quite often forget. I thought of him sitting in the garden and at the May Day celebration on the green, surrounded by youngsters as he reeled off one story after another and held them, and their mothers, enraptured right up until the end.
‘Of course,’ I said, throwing him a wobbly smile, ‘and I would imagine that quite often requires a whole heap of tissues.’
‘You’d be amazed what it requires,’ he laughed.
He looked nothing like the bear I had encountered the day I moved into the square.
‘You love your job, don’t you?’
It was more of a statement than a question because the change in his expression at the mere mention of it was confirmation enough.
‘I really do.’ He grinned.
And I would lay my last pound on him being brilliant at it.
‘Do you have any ambitions to move into school management?’ I asked. ‘Become a head teacher or something?’
I didn’t really think that he would have. His love of grassroots teaching was obvious and I couldn’t imagine that he would want to do anything that would take him out of the classroom, but questioning him was helping me set aside my sadness about Ryan and so I carried on.
‘It’s quite unusual to have a chap teaching really young children, isn’t it? Or is that just an assumption I’ve made?’
It was a long time since I’d been in or at school; perhaps things had changed. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I hadn’t noticed that Jacob had all but stopped and that the change on his face was warning enough that he wasn’t going to answer my questions.
‘What?’ I asked, taken aback by the sudden switch in him. ‘What have I said?’
‘Nothing,’ he snapped, chewing furiously on his lower lip. ‘I
t’s nothing.’
‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘I didn’t mean anything—’
‘I know,’ he interrupted, ‘I know you didn’t. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. This is what happens when folk don’t know . . .’
‘When folk don’t know what?’ I asked, walking the couple of paces back to him and reaching for his hand. ‘You know you can talk to me, Jacob, don’t you?’
He looked down at my hand wrapped round his and took a step away, but I didn’t let go. As well as both being in need of haircuts, my neighbour and my brother clearly both had secrets, and if I was going to be of any support to either of them, then it would probably help if I knew what they were.
‘Jacob,’ I said again, closing the gap between us, before cupping his face in my hands and forcing him to look at me.
‘Don’t,’ he whispered, ‘please.’
Had I gone too far? I went to move away but he moved a split second before me, grabbing my waist and pulling me closer. His eyes bored into mine and suddenly we weren’t standing on a street on the outskirts of Norwich, we were teetering on the edge of somewhere much higher.
Right up until that moment I had only felt a fleeting attraction, but with his warm hands firmly planted on my bare skin, courtesy of where my shirt and jeans had parted company, and with my eyes locked on his, I could suddenly see exactly what everyone had been talking about.
‘Poppy,’ he groaned, his voice as thick as treacle, as he began to lower his head.
I knew he was going to kiss me. Part of me wanted him to and I was in absolutely no doubt at all that I would have kissed him back, but there was something unfathomable in his eyes, some emotion that I couldn’t decipher at all, which made me pull away. But that wasn’t the only thing. ‘Sorry,’ I said, jerking myself free to break the spell. ‘I’m sorry.’
Jacob was a troubled man, a friend who didn’t need to start up anything with a neighbour, someone who was supposed to be just a pal, so, as hard as it was, I forced myself to rein in my suddenly lustful feelings.
‘Sorry,’ I said again.
‘It’s okay.’
‘That new guest beer must have befuddled my brain,’ I joked. ‘It was pretty potent.’
‘Yeah,’ he said, shaking his head, most likely to rid his own brain of whatever it was that had almost just happened between us. ‘I probably had a pint more than I should.’