by Heidi Swain
‘So,’ I said, thinking that didn’t sound like Ryan had done anything bad at all. I looked uncertainly down at Gus. ‘Has Colin gone already?’
‘Yes,’ said Ryan, following my line of sight, ‘he’s just going back to his place to pick up a few things and then he’s driving straight down.’
‘So how come you’ve got Gus?’ I frowned.
‘Well, that’s the thing, you see.’ Ryan winced, shuffling from one foot to the other. ‘Colin was in such a state and in such a rush that I offered to take care of Gus until he comes back.’
I nodded as the penny began to drop.
‘It seemed like a good idea at the time, one less thing for Colin to worry about, and being around the family at such a difficult time was obviously not the best environment for Gus to be in.’ The little dog’s ears pricked up in response to hearing his name. ‘But as I began to walk down here I realised that I shouldn’t have offered to take him without talking to you first.’
‘But what else could you do?’ said Harry, looking from me to Ryan and back again.
‘Exactly,’ I said, smiling.
‘But what if Kate has a no-pet policy,’ said Ryan, looking genuinely worried in spite of my smile. ‘I’ll have to hand him over to Lou and I’m not sure he’d like that.’
I wasn’t sure she would either.
‘I’m pretty certain,’ I said reassuringly, ‘that given the circumstances, Kate won’t mind us having a house guest at all, especially such a well-mannered and house-trained one.’
‘Colin wouldn’t trust that dog with just anyone, you know,’ said Harry. ‘You should be proud of yourself, lad. I’m sure your sister is.’
‘I certainly am,’ I agreed. ‘Now, you go and tell Lou what’s going on and by the time you get back we’ll be able to go for lunch.’
As soon as Ryan had gone, I fired off a text to Colin. I knew he wouldn’t see it for a while because he was driving, but I wanted to reassure him that I was happy for Ryan to look after Gus and that we were all here should he need us to do anything else.
‘You aren’t still worrying about having Gus in the house, are you?’ I asked Ryan when he and Lou came back. He did look rather flushed.
Lou shook her head behind my brother’s back and gave him a nudge. Ryan just looked at the floor.
‘It’s not that,’ said Ryan. ‘It’s something else. I’ve done something else I shouldn’t have and now I feel even worse about it.’
Good grief. Was that not the same line he’d turned up with less than an hour ago? Would we ever manage a completely stress-free day?
‘Well,’ I said, trying to rally him, ‘you came in here earlier and said something similar and that turned out to be okay, didn’t it?’
Ryan shrugged.
‘I’m sure that whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.’
Lou’s expression was now set to grim. Clearly she didn’t agree with my optimistic take on the situation at all.
‘Why don’t you finish up for the day?’ Harry kindly offered. ‘We’re closing at three today anyway so I can go and check out that new wholesaler. You’d only be back for an hour after your break, so it’s hardly worth it.’
‘That sounds like a good idea,’ said Lou. ‘We can pick up Gus’s basket and stuff from the Reading Room and I can check Colin shut everything up properly.’
‘All right,’ I agreed.
Had it not been for the creases furrowing Ryan’s brow I wouldn’t have let myself be talked into taking yet more hours off, but clearly whatever was worrying him now was far more serious than having an impromptu sleepover with his canine companion.
‘We’ll go to The Dragon,’ I said, collecting my bag from the back room. ‘Something tells me I might need a drink to go with this confession, Ryan.’
‘And chips,’ added Lou, trying to lighten the moment. ‘Definitely more chips.’
*
But as we settled ourselves at our usual table, though not at our usual hour, I thought a stiff drink and a bowl of chips probably weren’t going to cut it. The fact that Ryan hadn’t put a foot wrong all week, and the knowledge that everyone, even Lou, had been singing his praises, weren’t enough to convince me that this was going to be a fuss over nothing.
‘So,’ I said once the food had arrived, drawing in a deep breath, ‘what’s up? What else have you done that you’re feeling so woebegone about? I can’t imagine it’s anything too horrendous, Ryan. You’re the talk of our little row of shops this week and all of it has been good.’
I knew I was rambling. The way Lou raised her eyebrows left me in no doubt of that. I stuffed a too-hot chip in my mouth to shut me up.
‘That’s what’s made it all even worse,’ Ryan choked, directing his words at the top of Gus’s head rather than at me. ‘The fact that everyone’s been telling me how helpful I am and how good I’ve been to carry on at college has made me feel like even more of an arse today than ever before.’
‘And quite rightly so,’ Lou agreed.
‘Lou!’ I scolded.
‘You don’t know what he’s done yet,’ she said sagely.
‘It’s Jacob,’ Ryan blurted out before my brain had a chance to try to imagine.
‘What about him?’
I’d managed to avoid my opinionated neighbour all week. Not only had I timed my walks to work to miss him but I’d also been pretty eagle-eyed on the garden front. My curtain-twitching could have given Carole a run for her money, but I had been determined not to turn up at the garden for watering duty when Jacob was anywhere in the vicinity.
‘The row we had—’ Ryan continued.
‘I’ve already told you,’ I interrupted, ‘I don’t want you worrying about any of that. He was bang out or order and—’
‘Will you just shut up and listen,’ Lou hissed.
I reached for another chip.
‘I might not have told you the whole truth about what really happened,’ said Ryan, looking more than a little shamefaced.
Lou tutted loudly.
‘All right,’ he relented, ‘I definitely didn’t tell you any of the truth about what happened.’
My stomach turned and I pushed my glass away, bracing myself for whatever came next.
‘Go on,’ I said.
Ryan wriggled a little in his seat, his eyes still looking anywhere but at me.
‘I was talking to Tamsin,’ he began.
I could picture him and the girl, who was smitten with him, standing next to the hen run deep in conversation. That was when Jacob had gone over to them and begun bawling my brother out.
‘And it was stupid really . . .’
‘Go on.’
‘I don’t know why,’ he said, mystified by whatever it was that he had done, ‘but I was trying to look hard, I suppose. Putting on a bit of an act.’
‘For Tamsin?’
He nodded.
‘What did you say to her?’
I hoped it wasn’t anything inappropriate. He was older than her, after all.
‘First off’ – he swallowed nervously – ‘I said that I hated the garden and the square and wished I’d never come here.’
I couldn’t believe it. I knew he had been feeling resentful that I’d pulled rank and made him join in with things when he was suffering with a hangover, but hate was a strong word to bandy about.
‘I also said that you were actually no better than Mum. That you were treating me like a kid and that you were being a right bitch,’ he said in a gabbled rush, ‘and that if things stayed as they were then I’d be packing up and moving on.’
My mouth fell open, but no words came out. I didn’t know what to say.
‘I didn’t mean it,’ Ryan hurried on. ‘Not any of it. It was all crap. I admit I was pissed off that you’d put your foot down after the drinking, but I did get why you’d done it. I suppose I was just spouting off to make myself sound like the moody guy that Tamsin was so obviously crushing on. I had no idea that Jacob was right there, listening to every wor
d. I had no idea anyone could hear me. Not that that would have made it all right,’ he quickly added.
The thought of Ryan saying those things, regardless of whether he meant them or not, made me feel sick.
‘So afterwards,’ I said, the words sticking in my throat as I tried not to show him just how hurt I was feeling, ‘when I chased after you, when you ran off and then told me what Jacob had said . . .’
Ryan nodded.
‘Was all that a lie as well?’
I couldn’t bear to think about how I’d spoken to Jacob back in the garden. The realisation that Ryan may well have lied about what my neighbour had said was turning the tigress in me back into a kitten.
‘Had he said those things to you or not, Ryan?’
Part of me wanted him to have said them, if only to justify my own harsh words and behaviour. I had missed Jacob more than I would care to admit, and the thought that I hadn’t needed to – well, it didn’t warrant thinking about.
‘Sort of,’ he croaked. ‘But not in the way I made out. I twisted it all to get me off the hook and I’ve been avoiding him in case the real story came out ever since.’
He slumped back in his chair and I wondered if Jacob had actually been avoiding us rather than the other way round. Had it been anyone else in his position I was pretty certain they would have dropped Ryan in it to save themselves, but Jacob hadn’t done that. He’d listened to what I had to say and let my brother get away with it for some reason.
‘I can’t believe you did that.’ I swallowed.
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Ryan, finally raising his eyes to meet mine. ‘I know it was a stupid thing to do but I was so angry at being called out that I just did what I could to save face. It was a stupid knee-jerk reaction and I let it go too far. I really am sorry.’
‘And in the process, you’ve hurt me and Jacob and probably upset Tamsin.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said again.
‘You do understand that we’re trying to help you, don’t you, Ryan?’
‘Yes,’ he whispered, ‘I do and I really didn’t mean any of what I said, not a word of it. I’ve been trying to make amends ever since.’
‘So, everything you’ve done this week has been because you’ve had a guilty conscience,’ I said, my voice rising, ‘none of it, not my breakfasts, not taking on Gus, going to college or helping Colin has been genuine at all?’
‘It has,’ Ryan insisted. ‘It has. I admit it started off that first morning because I was feeling guilty but since I walked down to the Reading Room and met Colin and Gus, I’ve really got into it. I’ve enjoyed helping everyone. Even my studies haven’t felt such a chore. It’s all made me feel better.’
‘But not better enough to tell me the truth.’
‘He’s telling you the truth now,’ Lou said gently.
‘But only because . . . why are you telling me now?’
‘Because I couldn’t stand it any longer,’ Ryan said, his eyes filling with tears. ‘Everyone has looked at me differently this week and it’s been brilliant. It’s felt so nice to be valued and to do things for other people, but at the back of my mind I’ve known all along that it was tainted because I’d done Jacob a disservice and it’s all come to a head today. I know I should have told you sooner. I’ve wanted to, but I just didn’t know how.’
I was so angry with him, but I could see that he was genuinely upset and telling the truth. Finally.
‘I’ve been an idiot.’ He sniffed, rubbing his nose on his sleeve. ‘And I’ve messed things up between you and Jacob.’
‘There was nothing between us to mess up,’ I said quickly.
‘Well, whatever,’ he said, sitting up straighter and looking as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders, ‘I’m going to go round to his tonight and apologise. I want to make it up to him and make the two of you friends again.’
‘Friends?’ questioned Lou, her eyebrows shooting up.
I ignored her.
‘No,’ I said to Ryan, ‘let me talk to him first. You can see him tomorrow.’
‘I think that sounds like a good idea,’ said Lou before Ryan had the opportunity to contradict me.
I knew it was a good idea. I wanted to find out why Jacob had let Ryan get away with causing so much trouble and whether he really considered our friendship trivial enough to throw away on an unruly teenager’s temper.
Chapter 17
I sent Ryan and Gus ahead on the pretence of wanting to talk to Lou about what we should do with the Reading Room while Colin was away, but in truth, I just needed a few minutes to get my head round what had just happened. Out of all the crazy and far-fetched scenarios my imaginative brain had conjured, the reality of what Ryan had said was far, far worse.
‘Why would he say that?’ I groaned, forcing the words over the lump that had lodged itself firmly in my throat as I ran my hands through my hair.
‘Which bit?’
‘All of it,’ I said. ‘Does he really hate it here? Does he really hate me?’
‘No, of course not, you numpty,’ Lou tutted, grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze.
‘Then why did he say it?’
‘He told you why,’ she said, dropping my hand again as she reached for her bag. ‘He thought no one else was listening and he was just trying to sound tough. Haven’t you ever done something like that?’
‘What, tried to impress a young girl?’ I asked sarcastically. ‘Er, no.’
‘No, you idiot,’ she said, pulling out her phone as the Raiders of the Lost Ark theme tune began to blare out, ‘said something to impress someone, embellished a tall tale to big yourself up?’
I thought back to the lengths I’d gone to during my early years at high school, trying to impress the so-called ‘populars’ so I would fit in. I’d doubtless said far worse than Ryan and with not even half his excuse.
‘I guess,’ I relented. ‘Maybe. Jesus, Lou, are you going to answer that?’
‘No,’ she said, stuffing the phone back into her bag to muffle the sound. ‘It’s the guy who took the pinball machine. He’s making a bit of a nuisance of himself.’
‘He’s not the action hero you’re holding out for then?’
A couple of years ago, just before Big Ben chimed in the new year, Lou had downloaded the iconic movie tune as her ringtone and vowed not to change it until she had bagged herself a hero fit enough to rival Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. Apparently being her own hero, and a successful, independent businesswoman and entrepreneur, wasn’t enough and she’d been scouting for her equivalent other half ever since.
‘No,’ she said, looking wistfully at Colin’s set of keys, ‘absolutely not the hero I’m holding out for.’
*
As it turned out, Ryan ended up arriving home at the exact same moment as I did.
‘Where have you been?’ I said, frowning.
‘I went to see Kate,’ he said, quashing my suspicion that he might have sloped off to Jacob before I had the chance. ‘I thought I should be the one to ask her about Gus, as it was me who said he could stay.’
‘And what did she say? Did she mind?’
‘She didn’t mind at all,’ he told me, his voice full of relief. ‘She said he could stay as long as was necessary and asked if you would please pass on their love when you speak to Colin.’
I said I would, feeling thankful that the situation was now above board and properly sorted, and delighted that Ryan had seen fit to take the initiative and arrange things himself.
‘Come on then,’ I said, opening the front door. ‘I’ll cook us some dinner and then I’ll go and find out if Jacob is feeling as amenable as our landlady.’
*
I knew it was completely illogical to be standing on Jacob’s doorstep with a bottle of wine in one hand, a portion of boxed home-made korma in the other and a massive chip on my shoulder, but I couldn’t shake off my disappointment that even though this entire situation was my brother’s fault, Jacob had been willing to sacrifice our
newly formed friendship off the back of a few angry words. Not that any of them, as it turned out, had actually come from him.
‘Poppy,’ Jacob said, exhaling, when he eventually opened the door, ‘hi.’
It was such a good feeling, seeing him again in all his crumpled and slightly unkempt glory, that my annoyance suddenly felt completely misplaced and unnecessary and I had no idea what to do with it.
‘Is there any chance I could just come in for a minute?’ I asked.
‘Okay,’ he said, looking behind him into the hall as he held the door open a little wider to allow me inside, ‘sure.’
The house was far from tidy and as he led me along the hall to the kitchen I kept my eyes on my feet, lest I trip over the jumbled collection of shoes and trainers that made Ryan’s haphazard attitude towards the shoe rack look meticulous.
I knew I should say something really, but it was a struggle to find the right words.
‘I cooked too much korma,’ I blurted out to fill the silent void, ‘and I thought you might like some.’
‘Oh,’ he said, turning back to me again as we arrived in the kitchen. ‘We’ve just eaten, but thanks, I’ll keep it for tomorrow.’
The kitchen table was littered with a variety of takeaway cartons and containers and sitting on one side of it was a petite and extremely pretty blond-haired woman.
‘Oh, right,’ I said, startled. The words came out a little too loudly. ‘I didn’t realise you had company.’ I thrust the box and bottle into Jacob’s hands and turned to leave again. ‘I’m so sorry. I’ll go.’
Jacob looked at me and frowned.
‘No,’ said the woman, standing up and smiling, ‘don’t go on my account. I really should be going myself. I didn’t mean to stay this long anyway.’
I stopped in the doorway, not knowing quite what to do.
‘That smells better than our takeaway,’ she said, nodding at the box of korma, completely oblivious of my awkwardness. ‘We can carry on with these plans next week, Jacob.’
‘All right,’ he said.
She gathered up her bags and a bundle of papers and I stepped aside to let her pass.
‘It was nice to meet you,’ she said. ‘It’s Poppy, isn’t it?’