by Heidi Swain
‘I’m not usually prone to spontaneous passionate outbursts,’ he went on, making the situation even more awkward.
‘So, you’re telling me that what happened was simply your way of trying to block out bad news?’ I demanded.
I needed to be clear about this. If he was simply using me to take the strain then I needed to put the brakes on, because that wasn’t the sort of relationship I had imagined having with him at all. This was the first time I had ever been able to picture myself in a committed long-term situation, one that wouldn’t compromise my independence, of course, but nonetheless something very different to what I had experienced before.
‘Playing fast and loose with our friendship, as you put it last night, was worth it if seducing me made me feel you feel better for a few minutes, is that it?’
‘Seducing you!’ Jacob laughed, drawing the attention of Heather, who was working closest, weeding a bed with one hand and rocking the twins’ stroller with the other. ‘Seducing you,’ Jacob said again more quietly. ‘The seduction felt pretty equal on both sides if you ask me.’
I felt my face begin to colour.
‘I did say that no good would come of what we were doing and that it was a bad idea,’ I primly reminded him.
‘Yes,’ Jacob agreed, ‘you did. Right before you wrapped your legs round me and pulled me down on top of you.’
‘Oh, all right.’ I flushed. ‘You don’t need to give me a blow-by-blow account. I was there. I can remember what happened.’
Jacob nodded. He was looking a little rosy himself now.
‘So, what you’re saying is that it was a good thing we were interrupted because you were only risking our friendship off the back of the news about your brother. You don’t actually want to take things between us . . . in a different direction?’
Jacob looked at me and chewed his bottom lip, his eyes taking me in. It was some seconds before he spoke again.
‘Oh, who am I kidding?’ he breathed, reaching out and gently running a finger along my jawline.
‘What?’
‘I’m talking shit, Poppy. Using my dick of a brother and my ex as an excuse. Of course I want to take things in a different direction. I’ve been kept awake half the bloody night imagining taking you in all sorts of directions.’
I was pleased I wasn’t the only one who had succumbed to playing out the scene in my head.
‘So, why have you just gone on about us being interrupted last night as the best thing that could have happened?’
He really was infuriating, not to say confusing. I wasn’t sure I could cope with much more of this emotional back and forth.
‘Because I wanted to give you the opportunity to agree with me. I needed to know if you were regretting what we’d started.’
The only thing I regretted was not being able to finish it.
‘But you haven’t given me a chance to agree with you,’ I reminded him. ‘You just changed tack again before I’d said a word.’
‘So, do you regret it?’
Now it was my chance to make him wait, but I couldn’t.
‘No,’ I said shyly, suddenly unable to meet his gaze, ‘of course not.’
‘You really want to give us a chance,’ he went on, ‘to be more than friends?’
At last, a straight-out question that I could respond to with a straightforward answer.
‘Yes.’ I nodded. ‘Yes, I want us to see if we can be more than friends. I know you’re still dealing with everything that’s happened to you but I think you might be worth the risk.’
‘I can’t believe this is happening.’ He grinned, his hands straying, as they always did in times of heightened emotion, back to his hair. ‘First the square, then the garden and now you.’
‘And Ryan,’ I reminded him. ‘We come as a pair, I’m afraid.’
‘Of course you do,’ he laughed. ‘And that’s fine with me.’
*
It might have been fine by Jacob, but at the end of the day Ryan was still looking less than happy. He had worked hard all afternoon, roping an unwilling Tamsin in to helping him thoroughly clean the henhouse and douse each of the girls in mite powder. He was obviously going all out to impress Graham and prove that he was worthy of the responsibility that had been bestowed upon him.
‘I didn’t know the girls had mites,’ said Lisa as she told her daughter to go home with John for a thorough wash before we sat down to enjoy a picnic lunch together.
‘They don’t,’ Tamsin huffed, ‘Ryan said it was just a precaution. Better to be safe than sorry.’
Lisa looked at me and rolled her eyes.
‘I think the novelty’s wearing off,’ she confided in me as John and Tamsin headed off. ‘Ryan’s not the bad boy she thought he’d be.’
‘I can’t say that I’m sorry about that,’ I laughed. ‘I don’t think I could have coped had he fallen completely off the rails.’
‘He might have done had you not stepped in.’ She smiled kindly. ‘He’s a credit to you, hon, and he had better watch out or he might find himself filling the pages of my next book!’
As always with Lisa, I couldn’t be sure if she was joking. Her debut novel was selling well and receiving rave reviews, so I knew she would be going all out to make the next one even better.
There weren’t many of us eating together that day. Graham and Carole were away and the heat had sent Heather and her family into Prosperous Place with Kate, Luke, Jasmine and Abigail. They were going to picnic indoors while the rest of us tried to find the shadiest spot outside.
I had tried to call Lou a few times throughout the morning to ask her to join us but she wasn’t picking up. I had thought about going round to her place, but didn’t think I could trust myself not to tell her about me and Jacob, and that was probably the last thing she needed to hear. Perhaps it was best to leave her to herself for today.
‘Will you be all right here, Harold?’ I asked, once I had settled him next to Neil and Mark in the shade of the massive oak tree. The tree was planted some way over the wall in the adjoining part of the garden, but the welcome shade offered by its branches was far-reaching.
‘We’ll look after him,’ said Mark, pouring him a glass of squash while Neil loaded a plate with sandwiches and cheese straws.
‘You can fill me in on this baby business you were talking about before,’ said Harold. ‘Have you decided what you’re going to do yet?’
‘I think we can all squeeze in here,’ said Lisa, who was being followed by the rest of her clan and Jacob and Ryan carrying rugs, cool bags and plastic boxes. ‘And yes, you two, what have you decided?’
The simple meal had a celebratory feel as our friends shared their news.
‘We’ve decided to go for it.’ Mark beamed. ‘We’re going to adopt.’
‘We don’t want to put it off any longer,’ added Neil. ‘We’ll be starting the process in the autumn and you never know, we might have the best Christmas present ever!’
‘I don’t think it will happen that quickly,’ Mark laughed.
‘I didn’t say which Christmas, did I?’ Neil laughed back.
‘Well, as disappointed as I am not to be acting as a surrogate,’ said Lisa, raising her glass, ‘I’m thrilled for you.’
‘You’ll make wonderful parents,’ Harold agreed. ‘I wish you both every happiness. It’s going to be a very lucky little one who has you two as parents.’
‘Thank you, Harold,’ said Mark, sounding slightly choked, ‘and if you’re still thinking about writing that recipe book, Poppy, you’ll have to get a move on. I’m still keen to contribute but once we have a little one, I won’t have spare time to fill.’
With everything that had been going on since the idea had been suggested, I had completely forgotten about it. I made a mental promise to take some time out and do some planning. Things in Greengages were bound to settle back down soon and with Ryan all sorted as well, I felt certain I would be able to dedicate some time to the project.
‘Leav
e it with me, Mark,’ I said, raising my cup. ‘Cheers you two, and congratulations.’
We all toasted the guys’ decision and got stuck into our lunch.
‘Luke has told me that you’re going to be looking after the cats while he and Kate are away next weekend, Ryan,’ commented Harold.
‘That’s right,’ Ryan confirmed. ‘He’s giving me keys to the house so I can go in and feed them. Not that they seem to be spending much time indoors at the moment.’
That was true. Ever since the temperature had started to soar both Dash and Violet had been out in the garden most of the time, nights included. They had a slightly feral look in their eyes, but I was certain that it wouldn’t take many autumnal frosts to drive them back inside to the warmth of the open fire and the comfort of their bed next to the big range in the kitchen.
‘Even so,’ said Harold, sitting up straighter in his chair, ‘I hope you’re feeling proud of yourself, lad. It’s quite an honour.’
‘That it is,’ agreed John.
Ryan appeared pleased that they thought so, but he still didn’t seem to be back to his usual self.
‘You’re quite the Dr Dolittle these days, aren’t you?’ Harold chuckled.
‘Who?’ Ryan frowned.
‘Dr Dolittle,’ Harold repeated.
‘You know,’ said Tamsin, ‘the bloke who can talk to animals.’
‘The Eddie Murphy film,’ Lisa explained, ‘about the guy who can hear what animals say.’
‘It was Rex Harrison in my day,’ Harold muttered.
‘I don’t understand,’ Ryan said.
‘What I think Harold is getting at,’ said Jacob, trying to come to his rescue, ‘is that you’ve taken on a lot of animals—’
‘And poultry,’ interrupted Mark, pointing at the hens.
‘. . . since you’ve been here,’ Jacob finished.
‘Yes, Ryan,’ I agreed. ‘It all started with Gus and now you’ve acquired an entire menagerie.’
‘I like looking after them,’ he said, colouring slightly.
‘You always have.’ I smiled. ‘Do you remember that corn snake your dad got you for Christmas when you were about ten? Mum was furious, wasn’t she?’
‘Hell yeah,’ he said and laughed. ‘I’ve still got him.’ Then he quickly added, ‘He’s with a mate at the moment. My friend Ant loves snakes. He’s looking after him.’
‘That’s all right then,’ I said, feeling relieved. ‘I wouldn’t have fancied his chances if Mum had come home and found him slithering about the house.’
‘Not after that Boxing Day morning.’ Ryan sniggered.
‘What happened?’ asked Tamsin, edging closer to where Ryan was sitting. The tale had obviously refreshed her interest in him.
‘Let’s just say she was none too pleased to wake up and find she was sharing her bed with a snake she hadn’t invited.’
Everyone gasped and Ryan looked at me and smiled. I knew exactly what he was getting at but there was no need to elaborate for everyone else’s benefit. I remembered that Ryan had told her she should be used to waking up and finding a snake asleep next to her. It hadn’t been the cheeriest of Christmases after that.
‘That’s awful,’ said Lisa with a shudder, ‘your poor mother.’
Another conspiratorial glance passed between us and I knew he was feeling all right again.
‘Given your love of animals, birds and reptiles, Ryan,’ I said, ‘I can’t help thinking you must wish you’d taken a City and Guilds in animal care or something instead of your A levels?’
‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘maybe.’
I knew he had been rushed into deciding last autumn and with no support, so it was hardly surprising he hadn’t nailed it first time round, but it wasn’t too late.
‘Maybe,’ I suggested, ‘you could change courses in September. Now would be the perfect time to start thinking about it, what with having almost finished your AS year.’
I hadn’t made a fuss about revision and coursework, which had helped him knuckle down of his own accord.
‘You could even look at another apprenticeship.’
‘But that will mean I have nothing to show for this year.’
‘You’ll still have your AS levels,’ said Jacob wisely. ‘And in my experience, nothing that happens in life is ever wasted. Horrible things sometimes turn out to be the catalysts that lead you to something even better. Something you didn’t expect.’
He looked at me and smiled. Aware of Ryan’s gaze, I began to busy myself tidying the empty plates and containers.
‘Which reminds me,’ said Lisa, ‘you never did enlighten us as to what it was that happened in your life, Jacob, that meant you ended up buying your house in the square.’
‘No,’ he said, with a smile, ‘I didn’t, did I?’
Lisa waited but Jacob didn’t say anything else.
‘Well done, lad,’ wheezed Harold, ‘that’s the way. Don’t give in to her or you’ll never hold on to any secrets!’
We all laughed and Lisa shook her head.
‘It’s no good,’ she said, tutting, ‘I’m losing my touch, and right when I need to keep topping up the well of inspiration.’
‘I’m going to rinse these dishes off in the bothy,’ I said, hoping to distract her further, as everyone began to stretch and decide whether to carry on working in the garden or nip home for a siesta and come back again when it was cooler.
‘I’ll give you a hand,’ said Ryan.
I had thought it wasn’t going to be necessary to explain what my brother had almost walked in on the night before, but given how silent he became once we were alone, I didn’t think I had much choice.
‘About last night,’ I began.
‘It’s none of my business.’ He shrugged.
‘I know it isn’t, but I want to explain.’
‘I just don’t want you to fuck things up,’ he blurted out, throwing down the tea towel and dumping himself heavily on a bag of compost that doubled up as a makeshift seat.
‘Fuck what up?’
‘Whatever it is that you’ve started with Jacob, I don’t want you to balls it up.’
‘I haven’t really started anything,’ I told him honestly, ‘yet.’
‘No,’ he said, ‘but you’re going to. It’s obvious the pair of you are into each other.’
Was it? I hoped no one else had noticed.
‘And is that a problem?’
Ryan shrugged.
‘I seem to remember you assumed we were a couple the day you arrived,’ I reminded him. ‘When we came to pick you up from the station you thought we were together.’
‘Yeah, but that was then.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘I didn’t know Jacob then, did I?’ he sniffed. ‘I didn’t know you really either. The pair of you didn’t mean anything to me.’
‘But now . . .’
‘But now,’ he said, beginning to sound angry, ‘he’s my mate.’
‘I see.’
‘And if you mess this up then I won’t have him. If you start going out with him and then it goes wrong, it’ll be bound to change things between him and me.’
‘Why are you assuming it will end in disaster?’
‘Let’s just call it a hunch,’ he said, ‘something to do with our crap genetics perhaps.’
‘Oh Ryan,’ I sighed, laying a hand on his shoulder.
He shrugged it off. It hurt me to think that he was convinced that it could only be me who would mess things up. Jacob, apparently, was without fault and if the relationship ended it would be because of something I said or did. It was hardly fair – but I knew this was more about our mother than me.
‘I know it sounds shit,’ he went on, ‘and I know it’s completely selfish, but it’s how I feel.’
‘And I’m sorry you feel this way, I really am.’
‘So, you won’t start seeing him?’ he asked hopefully.
‘What?’
‘You won’t start going out with him?’<
br />
*
‘Are you serious?’ Jacob said later, once I had explained Ryan’s concerns.
‘Watch it!’ I gasped, jumping out of the way as he spun round, spraying the ground at my feet with the hose. ‘You’re supposed to be watering the veg, not me.’
It was late in the evening and everyone else had gone home. Neither Harold nor Lisa’s lot had come back after their afternoon naps but I didn’t mind. As far as I was concerned, the more time I could spend alone in the garden the better. It kept my mind occupied. Most of the time.
‘He really thinks I’d dump him if you dumped me,’ muttered Jacob, shaking his head.
‘It sounds really harsh when you put it like that,’ I said, ‘but you can’t blame him. The only adult relationships he’s ever witnessed are those our manipulative mother has orchestrated, so he’s hardly got the best point of reference.’
‘But to think that,’ Jacob carried on, ‘about me.’
He sounded genuinely upset.
‘Please don’t take it personally,’ I pleaded. ‘Surely you should be feeling happy that he thinks so much of you that he can’t cope with the thought of losing you.’
‘I guess.’
‘That’s why he’s saying all this. He told me he’s been happier living here these last few months than he has in a long time and I think he’s terrified of anything changing in case it gets spoiled.’
‘But things in life do change.’
‘I know that,’ I said, ‘and you know that, and deep down so does Ryan, but given everything the poor lad has been through, don’t you think he deserves this time to shine in his life like a beacon of happiness when nothing went wrong, the sun always shone and everything and everyone was perfect.’
‘Bloody hell,’ Jacob said with a smile, ‘you don’t need to lay on the hard sell. That little speech had more cheese than a triple-loaded from the pizza place.’
I grabbed the hose and turned it on him.
‘Hey,’ he said, snatching it back. ‘I don’t think that’s a game you really want to start playing, is it? That dress would turn pretty see-through if I soaked it, and how would that look to the world when you walked home?’
‘All right,’ I said, laughing, ‘sorry.’
‘God, I’d love to see you soaked to the skin,’ he groaned, ‘that thin fabric clinging to those beautiful—’