He hesitated and ran his hand over his face. “Listen, I got somethin’ I have to talk to you about Renie. It’s important.”
That made her sit up. Without realizing she did it, she pulled the sheet closer to her, almost up to her chin. She was wearing that sweatshirt again, the one that used to be his. It wasn’t as though she were covering anything up with the sheet. Her reaction was purely instinctual. She knew by the tone of his voice that whatever it was he needed to talk to her about would hurt.
“Come here first.”
“No, Billy,” she started to get out of bed, but he held her where she was.
There was that fear again, the fear he saw in her eyes last weekend. She was afraid he was about to hurt her. And he was.
He had the envelope close enough that he could reach it. He sat up and pulled her into him, so he had one arm around her, holding her tighter than he should.
“A man came to see me last night after I rode. He brought this letter with him. I haven’t opened it yet, but I know what’s in it.”
“What?” she whispered.
“He came to tell me that his granddaughter was killed in an accident.”
He meant to keep talking, to tell her the rest, but the look in her eyes was ripping him to pieces. He pulled her closer, tighter, and she rested her head in the crook of his shoulder.
“She has a baby. A baby she believed is mine.”
Renie gasped.
“I don’t know what to think,” he continued.
“Are you going to open it?”
“At some point, I guess I’m gonna have to.”
“Do it now Billy.”
“Do you want me to go upstairs and open it?”
“No, you can open it here.”
He was her best friend after all. And she knew him. He wasn’t irresponsible. Even if things hadn’t changed between them, even if he weren’t in her bed right now, she’d still believe that about him. Billy might be a bit of a cad, but that didn’t make him irresponsible.
He tore the end off and reached in for the letter.
“Do you want me to read it for you?”
“Would you?”
For him, she’d do anything. Didn’t he realize that? Her own instincts kicked in, and the most powerful thing she was feeling was the need to protect him.
She read it out loud, so he could hear it. She wanted to rip this bandage off fast, for both their sakes.
It said that before she died, Roxanne had told her grandparents that Billy Patterson was the father of her child. She hadn’t told him she was pregnant, or that she’d had a baby. She’d told her grandparents that she planned to. But, the letter went on to say, she died before she was able to.
The lawyer representing the family, and the baby, wrote that a paternity test would be arranged at Billy’s earliest convenience. It also stated that Roxanne’s grandparents wanted Billy, the baby’s father, to become her sole guardian. They were too elderly to raise a baby.
“Do you have any reason to confirm or deny this Billy?” She was trying to be as straightforward with him as she could be.
“I slept with her,” he answered. “But not without protection Renie, I wouldn’t…”
It felt as though a rock landed in the middle of her chest. This wasn’t news to her. Even though Billy didn’t talk to her about having sex when he was out on the road, she knew he had. She didn’t want to think about it, talk about it, or acknowledge it, but she knew it.
“I know you wouldn’t Billy. But, obviously there was a reason Roxanne thought you were her baby’s father.”
“I don’t know what to do.” He was having a hard time looking at her. She sensed his discomfort.
“Do what they ask. Take the paternity test. There isn’t anything you can figure out until you know for sure you’re the father.”
“God Renie. I mean…God.”
“I know.” She felt the same way. “You should tell your parents right away. You can’t handle the burden of this on your own Billy. I know you can’t. You’ll need their support.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Does this change things between us?”
“I’m your friend Billy. I’ll stick by you. You know that.”
“What about us? You and me? What about that?”
“I don’t know.”
He knew it would change things. He’d held out hope it wouldn’t, but he’d known it would. How could it not?
“Her name is Willow.”
“That’s a beautiful name Billy.”
He had to call the Johnsons. That was their name. Earl and Sophie Johnson. They lived in Texas, which was where he’d met Roxanne. He felt like a shit realizing that Mr. Johnson had come to South Dakota to track him down. He felt like a shit about it all. He especially felt like a shit that deep down he hoped the baby wasn’t his, although something was telling him she was.
“Let’s go see your mom and dad.”
“Now?”
“Yeah Billy, now. You need all the support you can get with this.”
“Can we stay here a little bit longer?”
“Okay, but…”
Billy tried to kiss her, but she moved away from him.
“Renie?”
“Give me a minute, okay Billy?”
“A minute?”
“Don’t do this now. I can’t do this now.” She wriggled out of his arms, grabbed her clothes, and walked out of the bedroom.
When she left the room, he felt as though his chest was closing in on itself. He wanted to race after her, turn her around and kiss every bit of air out of her. He went upstairs and got in the shower instead.
In two weeks, his entire life had changed. He realized that Renie Fairchild was the love of his life. And somehow he knew Roxanne had been telling the truth; Willow was his baby. The love of his life and a baby. And it couldn’t have happened in a more fucked up way.
When he came out of the bedroom, Renie was sitting at the kitchen counter.
“Ready?” she said to him.
“You’ll go with me?”
“Of course I will.”
“Still my best friend, but not my lover?”
“Let’s take this one step at a time. First, you need to find out if the baby is yours.”
“And if she is? Then what?”
“Don’t push me Billy.”
He wanted to hold his hands up in surrender, but he knew she’d take it the wrong way if he did. Instead, he did the other thing he knew she wouldn’t want him to do. He pulled her into a hug, and he held her as tightly as he could.
He put his head next to hers, his face in her hair. “I need you Renie.”
She didn’t answer him.
***
“Well,” Dottie looked at Billy, then at her husband before she met Renie’s eyes. She wasn’t sure what to say. The baby, if it were Billy’s, was something they’d welcome with open arms, and handle as a family. That part she wasn’t worried about. Dottie was worried most about what she knew her son was worried most about. Renie. It would’ve been different if Billy had gotten this news even six months from now. They would’ve had some time together under their belts.
She doubted Renie thought anyone noticed, but she was sitting on her hands. Dottie had known Renie since she was a baby; she’d watched her grow up. Dottie said she knew when Renie was worried about something because she bit her nails. That was when Renie started sitting on her hands instead.
Billy reached over and pulled her arm, then took her hand in his. He knew too, thought Dottie.
“The best thing would be for me to go to Texas,” Billy said, looking between his mom and dad. “If they expedite it, they can have the results back from the lab in twenty-four hours. I’ll stay until they do.”
“And then what?” Bill asked his son.
Billy looked at Dottie.
“I’ll go with you honey,” she said matter-of-factly. “We’ll figure it out as we go.”
“What?”
Dottie stood up and put her arms around Renie. She looked at her son and husband and moved her eyes in the direction of the other room. They both got up and left the kitchen. Dottie didn’t let go of Renie.
“How are you doin’?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It’s all that matters sweet girl.” Dottie kissed the top of her head. “It’s all that matters to him.”
“It shouldn’t be. He’s got a daughter to think about now. He won’t have time for…”
“For you? You don’t think so? Oh Renie, when are you gonna realize that Billy loves you? He loves you more than anything.”
“I can’t do this,” she answered, barely a whisper.
Renie pushed away from Dottie, put on her coat, and walked out of the Patterson’s kitchen, hoping Dottie wouldn’t try to keep her from leaving. Hoping more Dottie wouldn’t tell Billy she left.
She walked through the woods back to Billy’s, grabbed her keys, and drove to Fort Collins.
Her and Billy…what? What about her and Billy? Was God trying to tell her something? And if he were, what was it? Did this happen so she could help him through it? Or was it a sign that she and Billy shouldn’t have crossed the line they had in the last couple of weeks?
She was south of Denver when she called her mom.
“Hey Mom,” she said when Liv answered the phone. “I need to take a few days off from school. I’d like to come to Crested Butte. Okay?”
“You don’t ever have to ask Renie. This is your home as much as it’s mine. You know that.”
“Thanks Mom. And thank Ben for me too. I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon some time.”
“Are you sure you want to drive here alone? Ben could come and get you.”
“No, I want to drive. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Renie hung up before either of two things happened, she told her mom what was going on with Billy, or she started to cry.
If she wanted to, she could cry the whole way there tomorrow, alone, with no one to see her, or judge her for her tears.
***
“What’s up?” asked Ben when Liv hung up.
“Renie’s coming to visit. Tomorrow.”
“But tomorrow’s Monday.”
“I know.”
“Think somethin’s goin’ on with her and Cowboy Patterson?”
“That would be my guess.”
“Come here and let me hold you baby.”
Liv sat down next to Ben and let him pull her into him. This whole thing with Billy and her daughter was peculiar. There was no better word for it. Her drama-less daughter who had the world by the tail, was suddenly an insecure twenty-three-year-old woman.
She smiled.
“What?” Ben asked.
“Renie might be normal after all.”
Ben threw his head back and laughed. It was one of Liv’s favorite things about him, the way he laughed with abandon. “I love you Liv.”
“I love you too Ben.”
Chapter 7
Renie looked at the time on her phone, 12:30 AM. She used to check her phone to see if Billy sent her a text. It had been a long time since there’d been one.
It had taken him a while to give up, but he had.
She fell asleep not long after she got in bed a couple of hours ago, but then she dreamt about him, and it woke her up.
This time they danced. She loved to dance with him. When she was a little girl, Billy would twirl her around the dance floor, either by holding her around the waist, or letting her legs swing as he twirled her in circles. Sometimes she’d stand on his feet while he two-stepped her across the floor.
When she got older, he held her close, even before he realized she’d grown up. She remembered the first time it changed between them, at a rodeo in Oklahoma. Her mom competed in her first barrel race that weekend, and when Billy took her in his arms, she knew he held her as a woman, not a little girl. It had been one of the best nights of her life.
Sleep would not come soon; instead, she’d toss and turn trying to drive thoughts of Billy out of her head. She didn’t know why she bothered; it almost never worked.
Billy was up too, walking the floor with Willow. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get her settled down. He thought about calling his mama, but it was the middle of the night, and he was Willow’s daddy; he needed to figure it out on his own.
He worried she was fussy because she sensed his unease. But, she was chewing on his shoulder; she was teething. He hated to give her sugar in the middle of the night, but he had cherry ice-pops in the freezer. Maybe if he gave her a little bit it would numb her teeth and she’d sleep, and then he could too.
— • —
Renie left at five. She’d be in Crested Butte before noon that way. She called Billy last night after she got back to Fort Collins. She could hear the hurt in his voice when he answered the phone.
“Hi,” he said.
“I’m sorry I left that way Billy. But I had to.”
“It’s okay.”
“It isn’t okay. I know it isn’t. But…I don’t know what else to say.”
“This isn’t your problem. It’s my problem.”
“That isn’t fair Billy.”
“I got this Renie. Whatever happens, it’s my responsibility. Me. It’s on me. I understand that.”
“Give me some time.”
“You know where to find me. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
“I’m going to see my mom for a few days.”
“Sounds like a good idea.”
“I still want you to talk to me Billy.”
“Just try to stop me.”
She swore she could feel him smile through the phone. “I’ll call you from the road.”
“I’ll call you first.” His voice caught, and he took a deep breath. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Please don’t give up on me because of this. Please don’t stop bein’ a part of my life.”
“I won’t Billy.”
He wished he believed her.
***
A little before seven her phone rang.
“Mornin’.” Billy said when she answered.
“Mornin’ yourself. Just wake up?” The sleep she could hear in his voice made her wish she was snuggled up next to him.
“Yeah. Where are you?”
“Larkspur.” She was an exit north of Monument.
“Pull that car off the highway, come over, and crawl in bed with me.”
She didn’t answer him.
“Come let me love on you Renie. Please.”
“I can’t Billy. I’m on my way to Crested Butte. I have to keep going.”
“No, you don’t. Come see me. Please Renie.”
It was as though her car had a mind of its own, and it wanted to go see Billy.
“Did you get off the highway Renie?”
“You know I did.”
“Ah, that’s my girl. You wanna know what I’m gonna do to you when you get here?”
“What are you gonna do to me Billy?”
“I’m gonna go so slow Renie. Takin’ off your clothes, lettin’ your hair down, ’cause I know you got it tied up, don’t ya?”
He didn’t wait for her to answer. “Then, I’m gonna lay you down and run my lips all over that sweet body. You still there darlin’?”
“I’m here,” she breathed.
“Then, I’m gonna cover your body with mine, sink into you nice and slow. I’ll watch your face as you close your eyes and throw your head back, makin’ those love noises that drive me wild.”
If he kept this up, she wouldn’t be able to keep driving. “I’m hanging up now Billy. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Hurry sweet girl,” she heard him say right before she ended the call.
Billy met her at the back door. He was shirtless, the first two buttons of his 501 jeans were undone, and his feet were bare. He lifted her up and held her against the wall. H
is mouth found her neck as she wrapped her legs around his waist.
“God Renie, I need you so much.” He reached up and took the clip out of her hair, and then started to pull her jacket off her shoulders. He remembered they weren’t alone in the house. He turned her around and grasped her bottom, carrying her with him.
He couldn’t help himself; he needed his lips touching hers. He pulled back and looked into her eyes. “Thank you Renie.”
“Don’t thank me Billy.” She closed her eyes.
“No, don’t do that, look at me.”
She opened her eyes.
“I needed this. I needed you. I needed to connect with you. So, thank you. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t get to see you this mornin’.”
He laid her down on the bed and started to pull her clothes off. When she tried to help, he stopped her hands. “No, let me. I need to do this Renie.”
She rested her hands at her sides and watched him as his eyes lingered over each part of her body as he uncovered it. When she was naked, he tangled one hand in her hair while he ran the other over her body. “Renie, I…”
She reached up and put her hand over his mouth. “Shh. Just love me Billy. Please.”
“But—”
“Shh,” she said again before she lifted up to take his mouth with hers.
It was nine before she got back on the road, and that was after begging Billy to let her go. She almost wished she’d let Ben fly over to get her.
Her phone rang again.
“Hey,” she answered, without looking to see who was calling. She assumed it was Billy.
“Hi honey,” said her mom. “How far are you?”
“I’m not even to the Springs yet.”
“Have you listened to the weather? Monarch Pass is closed.”
No, she hadn’t. She’d been too wrapped up in Billy to think about the weather.
“Oh no.”
“I’m glad I reached you before you got further. Ben will come get you.”
“It’s okay Mom. I can wait until the weather clears up. I’ll head home. I mean, to Billy’s.”
“See whether he can give you a ride up to the airport.”
Renie didn’t want to tell her mom that Billy and Dottie were leaving for Texas, or why. She didn’t know when or how they were getting there. She could drive herself to the airport and leave her car there.
And Then You Dance Page 8