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Amber's Blind Date

Page 1

by Casey Summers




  Copyright © 2018 by Canaby Press, LLC

  Cover design by Shaela Odd - bluewaterbooks.com

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission.

  Canaby Press, LLC

  30 North Gould Street | Suite R

  Sheridan, WY 82801

  CanabyPress.com

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and events are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to businesses, events, institutions, or locales is unintentional.

  Amber's Blind Date / Casey Summers

  eBook Edition 2.2

  Paperback ISBN: 9781791348465

  ebook ASIN: B07K63V6FG

  FRI 8:51 PM

  Amber:

  OMG, I need your help

  Are you there?

  I know you're there

  Nora, answer me!

  Nora:

  This better be important.

  I'm trying to study for my Calculus midterm.

  Amber:

  It is important

  Super important

  I'm on a date

  Nora:

  Oh, thank God you texted me.

  This news will change the course of human history.

  Someday my grandchildren will ask me where I was when I found out Amber Meadows was on a date.

  I'll tell them I was trying to study.

  I failed Calculus the next day, but I am forever grateful to have been part of this moment.

  Amber:

  Don't make fun of me

  I need your help

  Nora:

  No, you don't.

  You know how to go on a date.

  Goodness knows you've had the practice.

  Amber:

  This is different!

  I really like this guy

  I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up

  I need your advice

  Nora:

  I'm busy.

  Amber:

  Don't you want me to be happy?

  Please?

  You're my best friend.

  Nora:

  Ugh. Fine. Tell me what's happening.

  Amber:

  Thank you thank you!

  Okay, so here's the deal

  My friend hooked me up on a blind date with this guy Kevin

  He's so funny and kind

  You'd like him. He's a pharmaceutical chemistry major

  Or he was. I guess he's kind of on a break now

  But he's so smart. Ridiculous smart

  Nora:

  Hmm. You don't usually go for smart guys.

  Amber:

  He's also hella cute

  Like, he could be a secret Hemsworth nobody knows about

  Dude is chiseled out of marble

  Hot like whoa

  Like drool whoa

  Nora:

  Ah. Now it all makes sense.

  Amber:

  We're at this super expensive restaurant

  I'm losing my mind. Everything here is so sparkly and elegant

  Nora:

  Where is Kevin right now?

  Amber:

  He's here at the table with me

  Nora:

  So you're just sitting there ignoring him and texting me?

  Amber:

  I'm not ignoring him

  I'm talking to him while I text

  Nora:

  Here's my advice.

  DON'T DO THAT.

  Do you not even realize how rude that is?

  Amber:

  He doesn't know I'm texting

  Nora:

  How can he not know?

  Amber:

  Um, hello? He's blind

  I told you that

  Nora:

  NO YOU DIDN'T.

  Amber:

  I did! I said it was a blind date

  Nora:

  That is not what "blind date" means!

  Amber:

  Whatever

  So what do I do to make him like me?

  Nora:

  Are you even serious right now?

  Stop texting behind his back. Just talk to him.

  Pay attention. Get to know each other.

  Maybe you'll hit it off.

  Amber:

  Ugh. Sounds like effort, but I'll try it

  Stay by your phone in case I need a wing girl

  Nora:

  No. I have to study.

  Amber:

  I can't do this alone!

  Nora:

  Yes, you can.

  I'm putting you on mute.

  Amber:

  Fine. Be that way

  I'll just get advice from Celery

  Nora:

  Do NOT get advice from Celery.

  Amber:

  Why not? She's cool

  Nora:

  She is not cool. She's a menace.

  Remember that time she got into beekeeping?

  Amber:

  Beekeeping is a legit hobby

  Nora:

  NOT WHEN YOU LIVE IN A DORM.

  Half her floor ended up in the hospital when she left her door open.

  Amber:

  Yeah, but she sent them all Get Well honey

  Nora:

  You asked for my advice.

  My advice is DO NOT ASK CELERY FOR ADVICE.

  [AMBER added CELERY to group chat]

  Nora:

  God damn it, Amber.

  Amber:

  Celery, I need your help

  Celery:

  are you on fire?

  Amber:

  No

  Celery:

  stop drop and roll

  Amber:

  I'm not on fire! I'm on a blind date

  Celery:

  how did he go blind?

  Nora:

  Oh my God, that is NOT what "blind date" means!

  Amber:

  Kevin said he lost his sight in an accident about six months ago

  He won't tell me how it happened

  Celery:

  hes hiding something

  i bet hes mixed up with the mafia

  maybe hes a snitch

  they poked out his eyes to teach him a lesson

  definite red flag

  Nora:

  It's not a red flag.

  I'm sure losing his vision in an accident was very traumatic.

  People generally don't want to talk about the worst day of their lives on a first date.

  Amber:

  I think Nora is right

  Kevin is too sweet to be involved with anything bad

  He's so brave and upbeat

  He's been trying to learn to live his life without sight, but it's been really hard for him

  He inspires me to be a better person

  I really like him and I want him to like me too

  What do I do?

  Celery:

  easy

  tell him you have big boobs

  Nora:

  That is a terrible idea.

  Amber:

  For real. I don't have big boobs

  Nora:

  Okay, that is like, number twelve on the list of reasons it's a terrible idea.

  Celery:

  its an amazing idea

  dudes love big boobs

  and hows he gonna know youre lying? hes blind

  is he gonna listen to them?

  smell them?

  Amber:

  You make a good point

  He'll never know

  My boobs totally smell big

&
nbsp; Nora:

  Okay, I don't even know why I'm still humoring you, but...

  You're clearly not thinking long-term here.

  Amber:

  What do you mean?

  Nora:

  I mean, do you know how blind people "look" at things?

  By feeling them. With their hands.

  Amber:

  So?

  Nora:

  So what happens if you two hit it off?

  At some point he's probably going to want to...

  ahem...

  "look at" your breasts.

  He'll know you were lying.

  Amber:

  Oh shit!

  Nora:

  Exactly. That's why you should be honest.

  Amber:

  I already told him I have big boobs!

  Celery:

  nice. what did he say?

  Amber:

  He said "cool"

  Celery:

  boom. told you. suck it, nora

  Nora:

  Wait. Wait. Amber, how did you even bring this up in conversation?

  Amber:

  He said that adjusting to being blind is a really big change

  I told him I could relate

  Because I went through a really big change

  During puberty

  When my boobs got huge

  Nora:

  ... and he said "cool"?

  Amber:

  Kevin is very empathetic to my struggle

  Nora:

  YOU DON'T HAVE A STRUGGLE.

  You don't even have big boobs.

  Celery:

  sounds like everything worked out perfectly

  you can thank me at your wedding

  assuming he doesnt end up at the bottom of a lake in cement shoes before then

  Amber:

  Kevin is not in the mafia!

  Celery:

  you should ask. for your own safety

  Amber:

  Hold on. The waiter is here with the dessert cart

  Celery:

  well, okay. priorities

  [... Four minutes later ...]

  Amber:

  OMG you guys that waiter is such an a-hole!

  Nora:

  What happened?

  Amber:

  He was making fun of Kevin for not being able to see what was on the cart

  He was like, "Here's a freebie, catch!" and he threw a truffle at Kevin

  It hit him in the face!

  Celery:

  f that guy. did you kick his ass?

  Amber:

  No, but I'm looking around near the kitchen for his manager

  Nora:

  Good. Get him fired. That behavior is unacceptable.

  Amber:

  I just looked over at my table and there's a woman there talking to Kevin!

  Nora:

  So?

  Amber:

  So?! She's a totally foxy redhead

  She's standing way too close to him

  She's whispering in his ear!

  Celery:

  he has a girlfriend?!

  Nora:

  Don't jump to conclusions. Maybe it isn't what it looks like.

  Amber:

  He's getting up to leave!

  With her!

  She's holding his arm!

  Nora:

  Or maybe it is.

  Amber:

  No, it's not!

  The redhead is hiding a gun in her coat!

  She's forcing Kevin to leave with her!

  Nora:

  What?!

  Celery:

  not a girlfriend

  a mob hit

  man, I so called it

  Amber:

  They're going outside

  OMG, she's taking Kevin hostage!

  I have to go help him!

  Nora:

  Amber, wait.

  Don't do anything stupid.

  Amber?

  Amber!

  FRI 9:19 PM

  Amber:

  I lost him! I lost Kevin!

  Celery:

  well, you win some you lose some

  wanna come over and vandalize wikipedia?

  we can start some salty rumors about chili's

  i heard the awesome blossoms are fried in grease left over from ass liposuctions

  Nora:

  Celery, shut up.

  Amber, where are you now? Are you all right?

  Amber:

  I'm outside but I can't find Kevin!

  Wait I see him!

  He's with that redhead over by the street

  She's yelling at him

  I have to go help!

  Nora:

  No, you don't!

  You said she has a gun!

  Stay away from her!

  Celery:

  whats redhead saying?

  is she threatening to make kevin sleep with the fishes?

  thats a mafia threat btw

  not a sex thing

  Amber:

  I can't hear what she's saying

  There's too much traffic. It's too loud

  Let me get closer

  Nora:

  No!

  Amber you need to get someplace safe.

  Do not go closer!

  Amber:

  I'm closer

  Nora:

  FML.

  Amber:

  k, I can kinda hear them now

  Redhead keeps saying she wants her money

  She's squeezing Kevin's arm and poking him with the gun in her pocket

  Kevin looks so scared! I have to help him!

  Nora:

  Amber, please. Call the police. Let them deal with this.

  Celery:

  yeah ok. call the police

  you may as well just call a janitor instead

  to clean up all of kevins blood

  and probably bits of brain

  or lung

  or poop

  depends on where she shoots him, really

  Amber:

  I don't want him to get shot at all!

  Celery:

  then you cant wait for the police

  youre gonna have to take that betch down yourself

  Amber:

  How?!?

  Celery:

  you used to be a cheerleader

  use some of that stuff on her

  Amber:

  You want me to cheer for her?!

  Celery:

  duh. no

  do one of those backward flippy things

  slam a pair of feet into her craw

  knock out some teeth

  Amber:

  I can't do that!

  Nora:

  Obviously.

  Amber:

  I'm wearing heels!

  Celery:

  ooh, even better. aim for the eyes

  Nora:

  Or, how about this?

  Don't confront an armed psychopath by doing a back flip.

  It's not something people do.

  Also, you haven't been a cheerleader for two years.

  You probably can't even do a back flip anymore.

  Celery:

  wow nora. rude

  why don't you just come out and call her fat

  Amber:

  OMG Nora do you think I'm fat?

  Nora:

  What?! I didn't say that!

  Celery:

  oh whatever

  you're all "you can't do a backflip, amber. not like you used to"

  "you used to be so fit in high school but since you got to college youve gotten a beer gut"

  "i bet you cant even flip anymore, jellywings"

  Amber:

  I can too still flip!

  Nobody's going to fat-shame me into letting Kevin die!

  It's flippin' time, bitches!

  Celery:

  yeah! body positivity ftw!

  Nora:

  *facepalm*

  *deep breath*

&
nbsp; Amber. Listen. I don't think you're fat.

  Also, that is the absolute least important thing to be focusing on right now.

  Just tell me where you are and *I'll* call the police, okay?

  Okay?

  Amber?

  Answer me!

  Celery:

  she cant, bro. shes too busy kicking ass

  Nora:

  Ugh! Celery!

  Why did you tell her to do that?!

  You know how easily Amber falls to the power of suggestion.

  Celery:

  so you dont think shes fat?

  Nora:

  NO!

  Celery:

  you just think she's dumb

  Nora:

  I'm not answering that.

  Amber?

  Please answer.

  Answer me, you idiot!

  [... Six minutes later ...]

  Amber:

  Hey! I'm not an idiot!

  Nora:

  Amber! What happened?

  Amber:

  I did a backflip!

  I saved Kevin!

  Kinda

  Nora:

  What do you mean "kinda"?

  Amber:

  I tried to flip into the redhead, but my arms buckled under my weight

  You were right, I am too fat. :-(

  Nora:

  I DIDN'T SAY YOU'RE FAT.

  Amber:

  I completely missed her and tumbled into the road

  A car almost hit me right in my fat ass

  I really should cut back on carbs

  Maybe I should go gluten free

  Nora:

  Amber, focus.

  Are you all right?

  I mean, physically?

  I know you're a disaster psychologically.

  Amber:

  I'm fine

  The car swerved to miss me and jumped the curb

  It hit the redhead

  Celery:

  epic badassery!

  Nora:

  Wait, Redhead got hit by a car?

  Is she all right?

  Amber:

  I think so?

  She's not moving

  Not bleeding tho, so prolly ok

  Celery:

  whatever. who cares about her?

  you saved kevins life

  he pretty much has to put out now

  youre welcome

  Amber:

  Shit

  Shooting

  Nora:

  Yeah, I think I've had enough shit shooting for one night.

  If you're not in immediate danger will you just call the police already?

  Amber:

  Shooting!

  Redhead is shooting at us!

  What do I do?!

  Nora:

  Seriously?!

  Stop texting!

  Run!

  FRI 9:47 PM

  Celery:

  yo amber. are you dead?

  if youre dead, you should totally haunt me

  like, ill wake up and youll be there floating over my bed all moaning and oozing blood from your gunshot wounds

  and ill get up

  and we can hit up chili's and get some assfat blossoms

  Nora:

  Stop it. This is serious.

 

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