by Fields, MJ
I’ve never felt my heart beat through my throat till this moment. She’s been with Trevin. I don’t want to know what he’s done or if he’s slept with her. I want to slap the smug look off her painted face. Now that she’s seen me—nothing but blind fury sets in.
I can’t open my mouth for fear of throwing up all over this nasty girl. There’s no way he could possibly be attracted to someone like this. I feel myself start to panic, and thankfully, she grabs my hand before I do, asking, “But tell me, has he really never kissed anyone?”
Wait. What? “Excuse me? What do you mean?” I shake my head in confusion.
“No matter what I do, he won’t kiss me. I’ve never seen him kiss any girl he’s been with, and he says that’s his only no go.”
I look over to where he’s sitting and we catch eyes. He looks at Melissa, then back at me. I witness the old Trevin battle the new one. After a moment, the Trevin I know loses the war when he looks down with his shoulders slumped. He gets up to walk to his room, obviously mad about something.
I look at her, saying, “I wouldn’t know, remember, we don’t have that kind of relationship,” before getting up to follow him back to his room.
When I walk in, his back is to me, looking at my photo tucked in his mirror. He looks up and our eyes meet in the mirror before I walk up, wrapping my arms around his waist. I try not to think about what Melissa just said and focus more on the fact he’ll only kiss me.
He touches his hands to mine, hugging my arms briefly before pulling my fingers apart and moving me away from him. He walks toward his door as though this isn’t open for discussion.
Rage fills my veins as I yell, “What’s up with you, Trev? You can’t invite me here, ignore me one minute then make love to me the next. Or what? Am I just another notch on your bedpost? How many girls have you had in that bed besides me?”
He turns around, shocked to hear me call him out. He’s never seen me go off on anyone, especially him, but I’ve finally had enough—this reserved girl is bursting out of her shell and he’s my target.
Trevin just stares at me, without saying anything, so I continue, “This isn’t what I expected when I came here. So why, Trevin? Why am I here? Obviously you have your choice of females to be with. Melissa was all too happy to tell me all about it.”
“What did she tell you?” he snaps back, walking up too close to me, invading my space. As if he has anything to be angry about.
“She mentioned trying to get in your bed any chance she gets. Says you’re with multiple girls all the time.”
He looks down in shame, not denying my claims.
“And you talk to her about me? Me! Why are you talking to anyone about me? What we have”—I move my hands back and forth between us—“is no one’s business.”
“I’ve only told her how much you mean to me.” He reaches out to grab my waist but keeps his eyes focused on the ground.
“Liar! You’re a freaking liar, Trevin.” I throw his hands off me. “If you told her how much I meant to you, then why would you lie and say we were just friends? Why would you tell her we share your bed together but nothing ever happens between us?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know what is happening between us. I’m so fucking confused. I thought having you here would help, but it’s only made everything worse.”
“Worse? Did you really just say that to me?” I push him to the side and stomp over to my bag, packing to get the hell out of here.
“That’s not what I meant, Lily Pad.”
“No, don’t you dare freaking call me that.”
He grabs my hand from the strap of my bag. “Stop, Lily, just listen to me.”
I stop, mainly because in the past ten years we’ve known each other, he hardly ever used my real name.
“Everything’s happening so fast. I don’t know what’s up or down, right or wrong, but I do know that even though I’m living my wildest dreams, something doesn’t feel right. Then the second I saw you, I knew—it’s you. Not having you in my life, but I don’t know what to do about it.”
“But I can be in your life,” I exclaim, holding his hands together.
He lets go. “No. You can’t. Not right now.” He walks to the mirror and looks at me through the reflection, hurt written all over his face.
“Then take me home. I don’t want to be here anymore.” I grab my bag, pick it up and walk toward the door. When he doesn’t stop me, my heart shatters.
I make my way to the front door, open it wide, and strut to his car that’s parked exactly where we left it after our dream day spent in the city of stars. Funny, now those stars are shattering my dreams.
He joins me at the car and unlocks my door without saying a word. The silence is painful as he drives me to the airport, and when I open the door to get out of the car, he doesn't stop me.
No. He lets me get out of the car and walk through the sliding glass doors to the ticket window. He doesn’t say goodbye, he doesn’t apologize—he offers me no explanation, just kills any hope that might have remained.
It’s not until I bend down to gather my things and walk toward my gate that I see him standing outside the doors, just staring at me, with his feet apart and hands tucked deep into his pockets.
We lock eyes for a moment before I blink and walk away from him, away from here and leaving him standing there outside as tears stream down my face.
Eleven
I didn’t think I needed you.
I didn’t think you cared.
I didn’t think you’d see it through
I didn’t think I’d be so scared.
- Trevin Allen
Lily – One Month Later
“Wait, you’re actually coming to the party?” Morgan says in disbelief.
“Yes, I am. Why are you so surprised?”
“Um, mainly because you never go to parties. I must say, I don’t know what happened when you went to see Trevin, but I sure like the new Lily that came home.” She jumps up and down. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”
She’s right. She doesn’t know anything that’s ever happened between Trevin and me. Even though she’s my closest friend, I’ve never spoken about my trip over a month ago.
That’s right. It’s been one month since I left Trevin standing outside the airport, and I haven’t heard a peep from him. Nothing. Every day my heart breaks more, but I’m ready to say screw him and have some fun tonight. He has his new life so it’s time for me to have mine. I start college in just a few weeks, so there’s no better time.
I’ve always been the shy girl, the good girl. I have my group of friends, but I rarely go out with them. Not tonight, though. I’m ready to have a good time, maybe even drink, and forget all about Trevin.
Morgan helps me pick an outfit of hers to wear and does my hair and makeup. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see anything I’m used to, but I’m trying to forget the old me—and this is step one.
A few of our friends moved into their own place and are hosting a party tonight to celebrate. An hour later, the door opens to a scarcely furnished apartment with an old couch and milk crates used as coffee tables. Red solo cups already litter the area and loud music blares through a rickety speaker, making it hard to hear anyone next to me.
I recognize most of the people as we walk in from school. Danny, a guy I had English with, smiles and gets up to greet me. “Well, well, look who’s here. Good to see you, Lily.”
“Good to see you, too. Is this your place?” I respond, giving him a quick hug hello.
He opens his arms out wide, proud to say, “Sure is. Can I get you a drink? One of the other guy’s brother stocked our liquor cabinet, so I can get you anything you’d like.”
“It’s okay. I’m fine,” I reply until Morgan steps in.
“Um, no, she’s not. We finally got her to come out—she needs a drink.”
I tilt my head to her, smiling. “Fine. Morgan, surprise me then.”
“You got it!” she says and bounces
away, leaving me with Danny.
“So yeah, it is a special occasion to see you at a party. What, now that Trevin’s gone you’re starting to venture out?”
I look up, giving him a skeptical glare. My brows pinch together slightly. “What does that mean?”
We’re both yelling over the music, so he leans down, pulling my hips—and face—close to him. “I mean, now that he’s gone, do you think I finally have a chance to show you a good time?”
“I’m confused. He and I were just friends.”
He laughs, pulling me in tighter. “He made it very clear to every guy in school that you were his and no one was to lay a hand on you—or even try to.”
I pull back to look more clearly at him, shock written all over my face as to what he’s saying. I’ve had a few guys flirt with me in class, but it never turned into anything. Any guy I somewhat dated throughout high school, I met elsewhere, and Trevin hated every one of them.
I guess I never thought about why I didn’t date guys from my school, I just didn’t. After everything that happened between us, hearing this now pisses me off more than anything.
Feeling like I need to shed his weight from my life, I put my hands on Danny’s, still holding my hips, and bring him closer. “Well, that’s been a lie. I’m here, and no one can stop me from doing what I want to do.”
His eyes twinkle as they look into mine. He brings me even closer, wrapping his arms around my waist and pushing his lower half into mine. “Really now? Tonight may just be my lucky night then.”
He leans down, kissing my lips lightly. Trevin’s not the only guy I’ve ever kissed, but feeling Danny’s lips against mine does nothing to calm my nerves; although, I don’t stop him. This is what I need to get Trevin off my mind.
Backing away from me, I hear him hum his thoughts before saying, “Let’s go get you a drink. Loosen you up a bit.”
His hands intertwine with mine and pull me to the kitchen where we meet Morgan and a few other people.
“Here, girl. Just for you. Fruity, girly, and delicious. Just like the guy next to you.”
“Hey, delicious I’ll take, but fruity and girly needs to go.” Danny laughs as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his front, and I go willingly. “Drink up, Lily. Let’s have some fun tonight.” His lips kiss below my ear before whispering, “I swear I’ll show you a good time.” Then he turns to talk to the group of guys standing behind him.
Morgan and I catch eyes and she smiles, bringing her cup up in the air to cheers my recent boy crush and me before we swallow most of its contents.
A low beat starts to rumble from the living room area, and before I know it, I feel fingers slip into mine and start to pull me away. With a drink in one hand and his warm hand in the other, Danny pulls me close to him and our bodies move in sync to the music.
Heat fills my veins as the alcohol sets in. My cheeks flush red and my mind cuts loose. My body feels free as song after song takes away the pain.
I’m flipped around so my back is against his front, and his hands start to travel down my waist, reaching my upper thigh. I quickly chug the rest of my drink, setting the cup aside so I can wrap my arms behind me, around his neck, and bring him even closer.
His lips meet my neck in soft kisses, running a line with his tongue up my throat to my ear. “How about we take this to my room,” he whispers closely to my ear so I can hear him over the music.
Maybe it’s the drink, or maybe it’s just me desperate to get Trevin out of my mind, but I grab his hand, tugging him away from the makeshift dance floor as we start to head upstairs.
We don’t make it far before I’m thrown against the wall and his lips are on mine in a feverish dance of desire. His hands reach to pull my leg up against his body, where I feel exactly what he wants thrusting into my center. The short skirt I have on is giving him especially easy access, and I feel his hands gripping my bare ass, tugging on my panties like he wants it now.
My hands shoot up, blocking his pursuit. “Not here. Where’s your room?”
He steps back to give me his sexy, shit-eating grin before he pulls me toward the back of the hallway and into his bedroom. Once we enter, he turns to lock the door, and I’m hit with a strong dose of reality.
Reality that I’m in this guy’s room, that I’m more than a little drunk off one drink, and that I’m about to have sex with him.
This isn’t me.
This isn’t what I want.
When he turns to walk toward me again, my phone dings with a text message. I reach for my small purse slung around my body to see who it is.
Three simple words are all it takes to completely stop everything that’s happening. There, right in front of me, is a text message from Trevin:
I miss you…
* * *
I left the party last night after getting the text from Trevin. I’ve missed him more than anything I’ve ever felt, and seeing he missed me too was my complete undoing.
The look in Danny’s eyes when I told him no was something I never want to see again. Saying I led him on, and even calling me a tease, made my stomach turn, but when he saw that it was Trevin’s text that stopped our night together, he huffed off, saying, “Just friends my ass,” as he slammed the door behind him, leaving me alone in his room.
I left pretty quickly after that, sending Morgan a text and heading straight back to my house. I laid in bed all night trying to figure out what to do. I didn’t respond, because I wasn’t sure what to say to him. He’s going through a lot of changes, and I was unfortunate enough to witness it all unfolding in front of me. He can’t believe three small words make up for what he did. He seems to think he can bring me in and out of his life on a whim, whenever it suits him. I miss him, I want him back in my life, but I’m not sure at what cost. I don’t know if I could forgive him so easily.
I know exactly where I need to go today, so I hop out of bed, throwing on some clothes and head straight to the cemetery to visit Julie. When I arrive, the new headstone Trevin purchased for his mom shines like the special tribute he wanted it to be. He took his very first paycheck and had me pick out the best headstone I could find.
It was emotional for him to not be here to handle it himself, but he said he couldn’t live another day with her having the small, insignificant one his father had purchased.
I sit down next to the engraved marble, running my hands over the grass in front, trying to fight the tears that are building up in my eyes. Julie and I had been close over the years before she died. She was such a loving mom to Trevin and always treated me like the daughter she never had.
Wiping the tears that fall from my face, I talk to my old friend, hoping she’ll guide me the way she used to.
“You must be so proud of what your son has become. I hope you’re watching over him and guiding him right now. I know he needs it more than ever. He misses you like crazy. I went to see him in L.A. last month. The only things to remind him of home were pictures of you and me. I’m sad to say things weren’t the same between us, either. I finally thought something was going to happen with us like you teased me about all those years ago. And, Julie, I wanted it to happen. Trevin’s been such a big part of my life and I know no one will ever compare to him. But our lives are so different now. He’s living his dream, but that dream doesn’t seem to include me. I can’t be mad at him for it, but it still hurts. God, it hurts so bad.”
I look up, staring at the blue sky above me, and let out a long sigh. The grass feels cool on my skin when I lie down, thinking about Trevin—about us—and realizing, more than anything, I just want my friend back but not sure at what cost.
Twelve
She’s not talking to me
And that has to change
I need her if I’m going to be
My life I will rearrange
- Trevin Allen
Lily – November
“What are you looking at, sweetheart?"
My phone fumbles in my hand as my mother's w
ords startle me. I brush a loose hair behind my ear and reply over my shoulder. "Nothing," I say and then turn around to face her, my cell phone in my hand. "Just…Trevin." My words falter.
My mom's brows lower in concern, her hand spooning mashed potatoes from the steel pot into a bowl. "You seem like something’s wrong. Have you not spoken to him today?"
I shake my head, looking down at the last message he sent me.
Seeing his text sent me into a tailspin a few months back. I didn’t respond but stared at my phone for a few days. I had no clue what to say. I miss him so much, but I honestly don’t know if the Trevin I miss still exists.
"It's fine," I say, grabbing the bowl of potatoes. "I'll bring these to the table."
As much as I want to talk to my mom about what happened, I can't.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be where he is now. I’m the one who got him the audition, so when I’m super lonely and missing him like crazy, I can’t help but go into this self-loathing hole that I’ve created thinking this is all my fault. But it’s not. This isn’t about me and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
This is Trevin’s dream, his everything, and I need to support him. No matter how much of a dick he was, I know I should forgive him. But not without him proving he deserves it first.
I place the bowl on the table and take a seat at the end near my dad who's at the head of the table. I'm placing my napkin on my lap when my mother walks into the dining room from the kitchen. My eyes widen when I see she's holding my phone up to her ear.
"Hold on honey, she's right here," Mom says into the receiver and hands me my cell phone. "Lily, Trevin's on the phone."