by Fields, MJ
All I could do.
But you left me with a broken crown.
- Trevin Allen
Lily - The next day
My mouth is dryer than I’ve ever felt in my life. Trevin’s lying underneath me, but it’s not our bed I’m in. I open my eyes to see I’m in our living room and we’re sleeping wrapped up in each other on the couch. Even though there’s a light blanket covering me, I’m laying here naked.
I’m more shocked by the fact that Trevin’s bandmates and several random women I met last night are all asleep on the floor or on the other couch. I can only assume they, too, are naked beneath the blankets covering them. My head begins to spin as I try to remember what happened last night. It all comes rushing back in a flash. I remember kissing a girl…holy shit, I kissed a girl! Then she went down on me…oh my God. Then it was just Trevin and me. But it wasn’t just the two of us. But was it? Did I really have sex with him with all of these people around?
My stomach churns and I quickly go to get up, grabbing the blanket to wrap around me. Leaving Trevin naked on the couch, I rush to the bathroom, barely making it before I throw up—except nothing comes out but dry heaves.
“Hey, Lilies, you okay in there?” I hear Trevin as he knocks on the door.
Thank God I locked it so he can’t come in. I’m not ready to see him yet. I’m not sure what to say. What to think. I need to sit here longer to let the shock of what happened last night sink in a little more.
The only thing I know with any certainty is this is not me. None of it.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Can you get me some toast or something?” I manage the words in a barely audible whisper.
“Yeah, of course.” I wait to make sure I hear him walk down the hall.
Once I know it’s safe, I open the door and run to our room to put on some clothes before opening the sliding glass door to sit on the deck and clear my head. This has always been my favorite place in the house. I love listening to the waves crash against the shore, calming everything around me as I just sit and breathe.
I think back to what my life used to be. I worked my tail off to get my master’s degree but haven’t done anything with it. And I miss dancing; I miss it so much. Since I graduated, all I’ve done is travel with Trevin, living in a tour bus, and drinking more than I ever have. But last night was just too much. I’ve never done drugs, of any kind. I’ve always been against it, and this is exactly why.
Never in my right mind would I have kissed another woman, much less had sex in front of people we know. If this is just the beginning of my life, I’m scared to think of what I’ll be doing when I’m thirty. Every party, every drink, every tour just gets worse and worse. All it does is bring out more parts I know aren’t me.
All I see now is I’m losing sight of who I am. There has to be a way to get my identity back without losing him. How can I find some kind of balance? A way that he can be a rock star and I can maybe go back to teaching dance, or finally look for a student teaching position.
I war with the notion before deciding there can’t be a happy medium—I either lose him or myself.
But he’s my everything. Always has been.
“Here you go.” After putting down my toast, he pushes me forward so he can sit behind me like we do every time we’re out here.
Only this time, I stop him. “I’m sorry, babe, but can I please sit out here alone? Just for a bit?”
It’s the first time I’ve ever turned down a chance to be with him, and the confusion on his face is all too real. He’s just as aware of my rejection as I am.
“Everything okay?” He leans down to make eye contact with me, completely clueless that I’m slowly dying inside. I nod, fighting back tears, afraid if I open my mouth I’ll lose it completely.
“Hey, Trev, do you know where my keys are?” Trent calls from the sliding glass door.
Trevin leans down to kiss my forehead. “I’ll be right back.” And then he heads into the house.
We took the keys from the people we love and hid them at the beginning of the night to make sure everyone was safe. Right now, I’m selfishly praising that decision more than I should. I just need a second to gather my thoughts, my feelings, my fears of what I know I have to do. I’ve never been one to make rash decisions, but last night was my wake up call. I need to remember who I am before I’m lost forever.
Not even a few minutes later, Trevin is back by my side, kneeling beside me, rubbing his hand across my knee. “Here, I brought you some water. Are you feeling okay? Can I get you anything?”
Our eyes meet and tears run down my face that I can’t hold in anymore. Trevin’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and I know I’ll never find someone who loves me as much as he does, but the cost of that might be too high a price for me to pay.
His hand reaches up to wipe my tears away. “Lily, what’s wrong?” he asks in the most loving voice, which kills me even more.
I take a deep breath, letting more tears fall as I lean my face into his hand, allowing him to fully support me before I completely crumble at his feet.
“I can’t do this, Trev.” I choke out the words through more tears.
Confusion mars his face. “Do what, Lilies?”
“This.” I point back to the living room where I woke up.
“What are you talking about?”
“Trevin, this isn’t me. I woke up naked in a room full of people.”
“But it was okay; I was there. I protected you,” he pleads as I see the fear reach his eyes.
“But this isn’t me, Trev. None of it. I made out with a girl last night. I had sex with you in front of other people. That’s not what I want. Sex is something special, just between us, but we were in the middle of a group orgy, in our living room at that.” My sobs have turned to irritation over him allowing this to happen.
“But I was right there. I made sure no one touched you but her. And I didn’t touch her at all. You’re all I want, Lily.”
“But you let it happen!” I push his hands off me. “I trusted you!”
“And you can trust me. I was right there the entire time making sure you were into it. You were safe. How should I have known to stop it?”
“That’s the point, Trev. You gave me ecstasy; you should have known that this isn’t me. This whole lifestyle isn’t me. I’ve never been this person. I never drank or partied all night. Now that’s all I ever do. I worked my ass off for my degree and it just sits in my old bedroom. It’s not even hanging on the wall.”
He sits, speechless, staring at me with fear written all over his face.
Both of us sit in silence, not sure what to say and scared to death of what the other is thinking.
After a few long minutes, I grab his hand, finally finding the courage to stand up for who I am, who I want to be. “I love you, Trev.” I look up as tears roll down his face. “I just can’t do this anymore. I need to find me.”
“Okay, then we’ll change. We’ll cancel the upcoming shows. We’ll stay home every night. Just you and me.”
I place my other hand over his. “No, Trevin. I can’t let you cancel your shows. You’ve worked too hard and the new album is almost finished, which means you’ll just be touring more.”
“I don’t care about any of that.” He throws my hands off his and stands in frustration.
“Don’t say that. Music is your life.”
“No! No, Lily, you are my life.”
“And you’re mine. I just need a break.”
“From me?”
“Not from you. From this!” I hold up my hands. “From all of it. I need to remember who I am.”
He rushes to hold my hands again. “You’re Lily Pad. The girl I’ve loved since I was eight years old, and the woman who helped me find my way when I was lost.”
Tears fall freely down my face. “I know, Trev, but that girl is fading away and now I’m lost.”
“You can’t do this. You can’t leave me.”
“I’m not leaving you.
I just need to go back home for a while.”
“Please, Lily, I can’t do this without you.”
“You can. You need to. And I need to. I’m so proud of everything you’ve accomplished. And I’ll be here.” I place my hand on his heart. “This will forever be mine.”
I take my hand and hold up his wrist to show our matching tattoos. “Nothing changes between us in here.” I place my other hand over my heart. “We’ve been apart before. We can do it again.”
“No, Lily…please don't do this,” he pleads as tears fill his hazel eyes.
“I have to, Trev,” I say through falling tears. “I love you. Remember that. I just need to love me again, too.”
His lips meet mine in a desperate plea to change my mind. I have to fight every urge inside me to not fall into him, stay and live this life forever. But that fuels my drive even more. I can’t live this way forever. One day, Trevin won’t be there to protect me, and then I’ll truly hate myself—and him.
I have to do this for me.
I break away from him, whispering, “I love you, Trevin.” Then run into our room, grabbing just the necessities before I change my mind.
When I leave, I see him standing at the closed glass door. We stare at each other, tears falling down both of our faces before I turn, leaving him there and doing the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Walk away.
Twenty-Four
How did she leave me?
How did she walk away?
She said she needed to be free
I just need her to stay.
- Trevin Allen
Lily – 3 months later
I can still barely breathe without Trevin by my side. I wonder daily if this is the right move, but when I’m reminded of waking up naked on the couch, I know it is. I don’t want that for my life. Now I just have to figure out what I do want.
Trevin still calls every day, but we haven’t seen each other since I walked out of our place. The phone calls hurt like crazy, but every time it rings, I can’t help but answer. I won’t let him come here, though; he’s begged on more than one occasion but that would be too much right now. Things are at a standstill with us, which is okay with me—I’m not ready to let go of him. Not yet, anyway.
I was able to find a job student teaching at the junior high school Trevin and I went to, and had lived with my parents until a few weeks ago when I was able to get my own place. Trevin offered over and over again to help pay for it, but I couldn’t take his money. I was doing this for me and I needed to do it alone.
I have enough savings from when I was a dance instructor to cover my expenses through my student teaching term, and thankfully, I was able to sign a month-to-month lease. Anything more than that felt too permanent, and I’m definitely not ready to make that kind of commitment.
I went back to the dance studio I once was a member of, and the owner offered me a job instructing their advanced class on the spot. She said she’d had a hard time finding the right fit and I came at the perfect time. At least this situation is perfect for someone. I haven’t danced since I graduated, and I have to admit, I’m finally starting to find little pieces of me tucked into the everyday feel of my life.
By far the only highlight of this entire situation is I’ve been able to help with Trevin’s foundation he built for his mom and get even more kids involved in both music and dance.
I try not to think too much about the future, just day to day to get me by until I figure out what I truly want. My dream was to become a teacher, so as long as I’m working toward my goal, I feel like there’s a reason I’m putting myself through this torture of being without him. At least I keep telling myself that.
It’s late, but there’s a knock at the door. When I open it, I see it’s my neighbor with a delivery for me. “Hey, Lily, the UPS man asked that I sign for this when you weren’t home earlier.”
He hands it to me and I see it’s from Trevin. I thank him, and after shutting the door, I rip open the envelope to find the completed CD for Escape Velocity. A few of the songs were released before the album was complete, and I’m so proud to see they’re doing so well on the charts.
A smile warms my soul when I see his picture, along with the rest of the guys. It’s a new photo, and even though Trevin is trying to look hard, I see the pain in his eyes and it breaks me in two.
A note card falls on the floor. After picking it up, I flip it open to read:
I miss you every day. Please come home.
I love you,
Trevin
I hold the note to my heart as tears fall freely down my face. I wonder if any of this will ever get easier. I want to go back but crave a normal life. My fear is he will end up changing for me the way I did for him.
I walk to my computer to pop in the disk, hitting play and lying on my couch, listening to the songs I’ve heard him practice over and over until they got them right. His voice still affects me just like it always has, making my heart hurt even more.
A new song starts with a heavy drumbeat that’s slow and steady, intense. He talks about trusting him, becoming one of them, only for him to let you down. The entire song only has a few lyrics, but those lyrics are us—our whole relationship; the differences between him and me. Repeating the agony of letting me down when I trusted him implicitly.
Then the next song, Without You, plays through the speakers and my heart bleeds when he sings about everything he could do without me, but he wouldn’t want to and now, he’s nothing at all.
I can’t fight the hard sobs that rip through me. Here I am, doing this for me, and he thinks it’s all his fault. I know he’s hurting, but I don’t want him to believe he let me down. I’m the one who made the decisions to drink, to become someone I didn’t like. He never forced me. He never told me to quit my job instructing, he actually asked me over and over again if I was sure quitting was the best thing for me.
Every step of the way, he asked about me, if I was okay, if I was taken care of—even that night. He was there and I’m the one who allowed that girl to kiss me. Not him.
Me.
With another knock on my door, I wipe my tears before answering it. The sight of Trevin standing on the other side with nothing but apprehension on his face answers every question I’ve had these past three months. I’ve asked him repeatedly not to come here, but right now, in this instant, the mere sight of him fills every question that has plagued my heart for months.
I reach out, pulling him to me. I kiss him like I’m dying for air and he’s my lifeline to oxygen. I can’t get enough. I need him, and before I can think, he’s picking me up, slamming the door with his foot and walking me straight to my bedroom.
“Trevin.” His name rolls off my tongue in desperation as he lays me down on the bed. “I was wrong. I’m so glad you’re here.” My confession seals my overflowing heart.
“Thank God, Lily, I need you more than you could ever know.”
“You didn’t let me down, Trev.”
“You listened to the song?”
“I did. This wasn’t your fault.”
He sits up. “It was, Lily. I corrupted you. You never even drank before we were together.”
I put my hand on his arm. “But, Trev…they were my choices.”
“And I shouldn’t have given you that X. I told you to trust me and I let you down.”
“Hey.” I pull his chin up to me. “Let’s not worry about this right now. You’re here, and I’ve missed you. That’s all that matters.”
“God I’ve missed you.” The look in his eyes tells me more than the words from his mouth. Lightly, he presses me to the mattress, meeting my lips with his. He proceeds to express his love through a kiss in a way he never has before.
There’s not an inch of my body he neglects, kissing every exposed bit of skin. He takes his time and slowly removes one piece of clothing before moving on to another.
I’ve never felt so loved, so treasured, and I know he’s trying his hardest to
show me exactly how much he’s missed me.
And it’s working.
When his lips work their way up my thigh, around my navel and back down my waist, I can’t help but push my hands through his hair, trying to put him exactly where I need him, to fulfill an ache only his tongue can cure. His laugh tickles my stomach right before I feel warm moisture lick its way through my slit and wrap around my clit.
Sensations fly through my body and my head drops, missing the way he’s always made me feel, no matter what he’s doing. When his fingers start to work their way inside me, a hunger I haven’t felt in months screams from inside and I reach down, pulling him up. Done with this slow game, I remove his clothes in a hurry.
Once he’s naked, his hands reach for mine, pulling them up above my head with his. He slowly positions himself, pushing inside me with the most delicate of touches. Our lips meet as he holds me tightly with his arms, making slow, sweet love to me while he whispers his undying love in my ear. He reiterates how much he missed me and how grateful he is to be here with me.
The first time we were together, he came to my house, just like this, with a desperate need to connect with me. Everything we’ve been through, and here we are, right back where we started. My mind is a mess, but all I can focus on is him being here. For me. And I want him. I’m ready to make this work. We can make this work. Somehow, we’ll find a normal life together without either of us losing the other.
He continues to slide in and out of me at a slow, steady pace, bringing me to an orgasm quickly, and when I fall over, he holds me tightly. “I’ve missed you so much.”
He tumbles over quickly after and we lie, holding each other, until I go clean myself up and grab some water. Once I’m back in my room, I lie on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart in the silence around us.
“Lily,” he says.
“Shhh…don’t talk. Not right now. I just want to be here with you. We’ll figure everything out. Okay?”