by Fields, MJ
“But, Lily.”
“No but Lily. Do you know how devastated I was to wake up with you gone?”
I look away, ashamed. I knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t have another option. I never could have left if I had to look her in the eyes.
“Yeah, you know how I felt and you know what you did. You love me one minute and leave the next. How can you lift me up like that only to drop me back down without a second thought? Leaving the way you did only proved that you’ll drop everything when an opportunity calls. I can’t join you again because all I was doing was losing myself. But if you leave your music then in the end you’ll lose yourself. I would never want that to happen. We just aren’t meant to be, Trev.”
She starts to walk away but I stop her again. “Lily, don’t do this. I love you.”
“Stop. You promised me. You looked me straight in the eyes then vanished before we could even talk. Trevin, I’ll always love you. I’d do anything for you, but it’s time we accept our fate and move on.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Just leave, Trev. I can’t handle you being here,” she says through tears falling down her face.
“You can’t handle it because you know what you're saying is wrong.”
“Please, Trev, just leave me alone.”
“I’ll prove you wrong, Lily. I’m going to be here for you. We’ll be together,” I say as I pull her into me, holding her tightly before letting her go.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know I have to prove to her we’re meant to be, and I will be a father to our baby.
Twenty-Seven
To be with her I’ll crawl to the end
My love for her will never bend
I’ll fight my way through to have her again
Because I’ve loved her since we were ten.
- Trevin Allen
Trevin – the next day
When I walk through the doors of the house I called home for the last few years, sadness hits me like a punch to the gut. This place is not my home. My home is where Lily is and I’m only wasting time if I stay here.
Without a second thought, I head back out the door for boxes, ready to leave this place and make a home with Lily, once and for all, with her as my wife, and with us as parents.
I’m sweating profusely as I pack everything like the mad man I’ve become. More focused on what I need to do than I’ve ever been before and not caring about anything else around me.
When my phone rings and Trent’s goofy face appears on the screen, I pause, ready to tell him the good news. “I got news bro.” I don’t even bother saying hello.
“Well, good morning to you, too. What’s up? You miss my ugly ass already?” he taunts into the phone.
“I’m moving. Up to Nor Cal, back to my fucking hometown if you can believe that.”
“Shut the fuck up. You hate that place. Why in the world would you do that?”
“Lily.” I don’t have to say anything else. I don’t have to explain, I don’t have to go on and on, giving them a reason to stop me. They already know. They’ve been there every painstakingly horrible day I was away from her.
What I love about these guys, they get it. They’re just like me. They’re all tough and act hard on stage, but all of them would give up their world for a girl, just like I’m about to.
“Okay then. Here we go. I always liked San Francisco. When are we moving?”
Pride of the band I created ignites in my chest. I’ve grown to love these guys, and his willingness to move, to support me, to keep our band together gives me more drive than I’ve ever felt before. I can have both my band and Lily.
There’s no other choice.
“Now. I’m already packing. We have a month or two we can rest but we need to get back in the studio right away if we’re going to ride the wave of Oz Fest and not let anything die down.”
“Fuck yeah we will. I’ll call the guys—you focus on you and I’ll handle the rest.”
There’s a pause on the line before I stop and get real for a second. “Hey, Trent?”
“Yeah, man?”
“Thank you…”
“Anytime, bro. We’re family. We’re here for you. You’ll get her back.”
A small smile forms on my face as I hit the end call button and drop the phone on the couch before I collapse on it as well.
Family. Lily’s always been the only family I’ve ever had. Now I have my band mates and a baby on the way. For the first time in my life, I feel like things are starting to happen the way they should.
I just need Lily to see it that way, too.
* * *
I can’t help but shake my head as I see the sign welcoming me into my hometown. A place I wanted so far away from years ago is now a place I just signed paperwork on a new house for. Funny how things come full circle.
It took me a week to settle all my affairs, pack and find my new place, but things are happening pretty fast and I’m riding this crazy train until I have my Lilies back—forever.
It’s amazing what you can do if you have money. I found the perfect place, perched high on a hill, secluded and exactly the place to call home with my family. I was able to offer them cash with a five-day close and they jumped on it, allowing me to move in six days later.
The moving trucks pull in only a few minutes after I do, and once I let them in, I bail to head straight to Lily.
I’ve called her every day, sometimes multiple times a day—even though she never answers. That doesn’t stop me.
She answers the door dressed in her tight leotard that shows her belly even more than the last time I saw it. My heart swells as I hold out keys by the ring, offering them to her and saying nothing else.
What I didn’t expect was her response or the hatred she spits out. “What now? Why are you handing me those?”
“I’m making this right.” I drop my hand, deflated by her lack of enthusiasm.
“By handing me keys?”
“I sold the Redondo Beach house and bought a place here. A place for us. A home. These are for you. So you can come and live with me here.”
“No, Trevin.” She looks down, hiding her eyes from me. “You can’t just walk in here, handing me keys like that makes everything okay and I’m going to move right back in with you like nothing else has happened.”
“But why not? You said you wouldn’t move back down to LA so I moved here. You can’t do this Lily. I need you.”
When she looks up, her eyes are glossed over, but she runs her hands over them, removing the emotion I saw poking through. “Trevin, just stop. You think you need me, but you don’t. I’m just the only thing you’ve ever known."
"I love you, Lilies. I've always loved you, and I always will."
"I love you too, Trev, but we've already proven love isn't enough."
"No…what we proved is that we belong together. I won't let you forget. I'll be here every day to show you how much you mean to me. You're right, though. You are the only thing I've ever known, but you forget I've been around the world. I've had the chance to know something else and I know I don’t want to. I chose not to. Because I chose you. I choose you, Lily. All those years ago. I knew the second I saw you when you first came to visit me in LA. My life was perfect but I still felt that something was off, and when I saw you, everything made sense. I knew it was you that I had to have in my life. I just didn’t know how. But now I do. You were all I wanted since I was eight, and that's not going to change because you push me away. I'll just keep pushing back."
She shakes her head and glances down, not giving me her eyes again. "It’s time for us to move on with our lives.” She pauses, but the pain in her trembling voice doesn’t go unnoticed. “As different people.”
I stop her dead in her tracks, prepared to enter the fight of my life. “Fuck that, Lily. You and me, we’re meant to be together and that baby you’re carrying proves it more than anything else ever has. I’ll do whatever it takes to be a father to that bab
y and the man I know you deserve. Because I am. I’m the man for you. Always have been. Always will.”
I turn, walking away, not waiting for her response and letting everything I just said sink in.
* * *
I’ve shown up every day but not to bug her about taking me back. Yes, some would call it stalking, but really, I’m just showing her in my own way that I’m not going anywhere. In the morning, I greet her with coffee in hand like I did when she was in college, and then leave, without saying a word, instead just letting her know that I’m here and will always be.
At night, when she arrives home from work, I bring her dinner so she doesn’t have to worry about cooking and ensuring she’s getting proper nutrition while she’s growing our little miracle. Most nights I’ve cooked for her myself, but tonight I picked up her favorite take-out from when we were younger.
It’s been years since I’ve eaten at the small wooden shack that somewhat resembles a Mexican restaurant. The walls are lined in the town’s history and memories of sitting there countless times with Lily over the years brought an instant smile to my face. Maybe living back here won’t be so bad after all.
As she pulls up to her parking spot, I’m already sitting on her doorstep with food on one side of me and a gift bag on the other. Every day I watch her eyes as they meet with mine, and at first, I’ll admit, they were annoyed, but over time, I can see her wearing down. And today I even see a slight shift to her lips before she looks down, acting like she’s dealing with something within her car.
I’ve brought her gifts of new clothes, books to read or anything I thought was fun to know about pregnancy. One time I even showed up with a masseuse to give her a pregnancy massage. Of course I offered first to be the one to massage her after I read all about what to do, and more importantly what not do to, but when she refused I hired someone.
Today though, this is the first time I brought a gift for our little boy or girl. I can’t believe she won’t find out the sex, but I have to choose my battles and that’s not one that’s worth it. I’ve been so wrapped up trying to get Lily back that today I went shopping just for the baby, and I can’t wait to show her what I found. It’s perfect!
Lily’s eyes roam the bag of food and I watch as a face full of pure delight greets me at the door. “You didn’t?” is all she says as she reaches down to grab the food, bringing it up to her nose and taking a deep inhalation through her nose to smell the greasy goodness.
“Of course I did. How could I possibly forget your favorite?” I say as I stand to give her a hug, which, for the first time, she willingly gives back, confirming I’m breaking down her walls.
“No onions but extra sour cream?” She looks up, surprised I’d remember her order.
“Yup, just like you like it.” I smile brightly at her. “And here, I bought our little one a gift, too.”
I take the food from her and hand her the gift bag. When she takes the two tiny onsies out, the laugh that comes from her melts my soul in a way I wondered if I’d ever feel again.
“In your dreams.” She laughs as she turns the shirts around, showing me one that says Future Rock Star and the other that says Mommy’s Little Rocker.
I smile big, lean in to give her a kiss on the cheek and begin to walk away. I can see that her walls are falling down and I don’t want to push it more than I should. I can’t screw this up.
Twenty-Eight
Will this be enough?
Will she finally see me for who I really am?
I’ll pour my heart and soul into a song
Because I know our love will never be wrong
- Trevin Allen
Trevin – A month later
It only took a month but my band was excited about the move, and they’ve all settled in San Francisco or the surrounding area. We’re still going strong and discussing our next album, but first, we’re shooting a special new song, just for her.
It’s not your typical love song. No, I laid it all out there. Talking about everything in my life.
It’s raw.
It’s dark.
It’s real.
It’s me, because she’s my gravity.
Even though Lily hasn’t been pushing me away like she first did, she still hasn’t taken me back, so her best friend, Morgan, has been helping to guide me on how to win her over.
She told me some of Lily’s students found out about our relationship through our tattoos, so I plan on exploiting that bit of information to get her to listen to my new song. Every kid nowadays has a smartphone and hangs out on YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this pays off.
We rented out a stage in my hometown and are going to perform the song then post it in hopes these students of hers take notice.
“Okay, we're all set up. You ready, Trev?” my camera guy asks.
I look around to the guys; they all nod in agreement and I take a deep breath. “Here we go. Let’s hope this works.”
“Quiet on the set. In five, four…” The cameraman mouths the remaining numbers then points to me as my cue to start.
“What’s up, all you fans out there? If you’re seeing this, please share, post, tweet, fuck…anything to help me get the attention of my girl. If you have Miss Lily Pace as your teacher, please show her this video. Much love to you all for your help.”
The lights shut off for a second before a spotlight cuts through the room, lighting me up on stage. I strum the guitar strings a few chords before the rest of the band starts up.
I pour my heart into the song, knowing this is the most important performance I’ll ever give.
The lyrics reminisce about my mom dying, me loving the rock star lifestyle with booze, girls and drugs, when I overdosed, and then the day Lily walked out of my life. I don’t promise her I’ll do better; I don’t promise her things will change. I have to prove that to her, not just say it. This is all about pouring out my soul in a song—begging her for one more chance to prove I’ll be the man she needs me to be.
Her simple man.
Without each other, we both will float away into darkness, because my life would be nothing without her. She’ll always be my gravity. Keeping me grounded. Helping me be the man I want to be. The man I know I can be.
The lights fade to black as I sing the last lyrics about floating away.
Nothing but silence fills the air as the guitar strings come to a standstill. My head falls when I hear, “Cut” from the cameraman.
The guys all clap, cheering about how good the song sounded, but I can’t move. This is it. It’s my last chance to win her back. I fear there’s nothing else I can do but hope it’s enough, and it wrecks me to my core.
* * *
Lily
This pregnancy is pushing me over the edge. I feel like I’m about to pop, and forget about sleeping. I’ve spent the last month trying to sleep on my recliner because I finally had to give up on my bed. I can’t breathe if I lay on my back, my hips hurt if I’m on my side and breathing through my nose has become a luxury I hardly ever get.
There are only a few more weeks of school and I’m trying to make it till summer, but these might be my last few days. My doctor says she’s positioned really low and there could be a chance she comes early, but no one ever knows for sure.
I’m having a baby girl. I wanted to wait and see in the delivery room, but decorating and getting ready for her arrival got the best of me and I finally broke down and asked at my last appointment. I was so excited to paint the room a light pink with the name Julie written in big, bold brush strokes over her crib.
I chose to name my daughter after Trevin’s mom—nothing else felt right. When my mom suggested Julie, my heart grew twice its size, sending chills down my arms, and I knew that was it. I haven’t told Trevin what I’m having though. I don't know why but I’m just not ready to.
I’ve told my parents everything about Trevin and they know he’s the father. They don’t understand why I keep pushing him away, bu
t I’ve held my ground and they haven’t pushed. Although, as we get closer to the date, my heart is yearning for him to hold me again.
I’m so scared. None of my friends have had babies. My mom and Morgan have helped as much as they can, but it’s just not the same. I want to do this with him but I’ve pushed him away for so long. Though he still shows up every day, I’m not sure if I can take the plunge. How will I know if I actually want him back or if it’s just my hormones talking?
I wobble down the hallway, unable to walk like a normal person anymore, only to be greeted by Mason. My student stands at my classroom door. School doesn’t start for another thirty minutes and he’s in my fifth-period class, so I question why he’s here. Even more so when I see he’s almost giddy as I reach out my hand to unlock my door.
“Ms. Pace, please tell me I’m the first one to show you?” he asks as he jumps up and down with excitement, holding his phone to his chest.
“Morning, Mason. I don’t know what you’re talking about, so yes, you’re probably the first one,” I respond as I open the door and wobble to my desk.
“Yes! Can you make sure you tell him it was me? Can you get me his autograph?”
Oh God! I’m afraid to ask what he’s talking about. “What do you mean?” I ask, scared for his response.
“Look!” He holds out his phone and presses play on the YouTube video.
My heart sinks as I see Trevin standing on stage, and when he speaks, chills run down my spine from the sound of his voice. That same voice that always speaks directly to my heart. Lately, I’ve been playing Trevin’s music through earphones attached to my belly. Every time I do, my heart hurts just as much as it smiles. I want Julie to know the sound of her father’s voice. No matter what happens in the future.