“I promise you,” he whispered, running his cheek over the silky strands of her hair, “that one day you will be happy again. I don’t know how it happens, but everything always works out in the end. It always has, and it always will. Think back on your life,” he added. “At the very worst times, when you thought you couldn’t go on or get through it, you did. And it worked out somehow.”
“But this is different,” she protested. “My life has been a lie for the last fifteen years. How does that work out? How can I heal that wound, knowing the two people I trusted most in the world were going behind my back and deciding my life for me? How could I have misjudged them? What’s wrong with me?”
“Shh… there’s nothing wrong with you. I know what you’re feeling. I, too, trusted someone who turned out to be a scoundrel. I don’t think either of us is to blame. Were we fools? Maybe. But I’d rather be a fool than a scoundrel.”
She sniffled. “Scoundrel. That’s a good word for them.” She raised her head and patted his chest. “I’ve ruined your shirt.”
“Nonsense. It’s just tears and will wash away.” He grinned as she looked at him with red-rimmed, sorrowful eyes. “I’m getting very good at laundry, you know.”
In spite of everything, she smiled. “Yes, you are, Charlie. Again, I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here with me. You really were sent to me. I believe that with my whole heart… because I needed you now.”
“A man likes to be needed,” he whispered, gently pushing a curl off her damp forehead. “I guess doing laundry qualifies.”
She seemed to become very still as she raised her face and looked at him seriously. “I wasn’t talking about laundry, and you know it. I can’t even imagine being alone now to handle all this. You’ve saved my sanity, Charlie, and maybe even my life.”
“Then we’re even on that score, for you’ve done the same for me.”
There was a moment when they just stared deeply into each other’s eyes, going beyond the superficial and making a connection. His first inclination was to look away, but he held her gaze, knowing somehow that what was taking place was important.
“Tell me about your scoundrel, Charlie. Take my mind off this madness,” she whispered in an exhausted voice.
“My scoundrel?” he asked with a short laugh, grateful that the intense moment was over. “He isn’t quite so interesting as yours. Mine was just greedy. He wanted my life and tried to take it that afternoon you pulled me from the creek.”
“He’s the one who shot you?”
Nodding, he said, “I realized I could either jump off that bridge and take my chances, or be killed by Mitch.”
“That was his name? You mentioned him before.”
“Mitch Davies.” Even saying it now had a profound effect on him and he tried to relax the muscles in his body. “We left Ireland at the same time and met on the ship. We banded together and went west, working on ranches, and then coming back east to run bootleg whiskey up and down the eastern coast.”
She sniffled and then startled him by chuckling. “Bootleg whiskey? During Prohibition?”
He couldn’t stop the grin. “I guess I’m a bit of a scoundrel myself.”
“Well, obviously you know by now that Prohibition was repealed, so I wouldn’t classify you as a true scoundrel.”
“I was desperate to make money. I wanted to settle down.”
“Yes, you told me you were engaged to a woman.”
He nodded. “I’d seen the land I’d wanted shortly after coming to America. Funny that it’s right here, where I am now, but I can’t identify it anymore. Everything is so different. Even the railroad bridge is gone. New roads. New buildings. This was all farmland then. Every time we drive, I try to see something I can remember, but there are no landmarks. And even if I had the deed, it wouldn’t do me any good today.”
“I wonder whatever happened to it,” she murmured, putting her head back onto his chest and sighing with a shuddering exhaustion.
He stroked her shoulder and said, “It doesn’t matter anymore. That dream is gone. I don’t believe I’m going back, Suzanne. I’ve been thinking about it and, if it was going to happen, I think it would have by now. It’s been almost a month. I think I’m here to stay.”
She clutched the front of his shirt and whispered against his chest, “Would you resent me for saying I’m glad?”
He shook his head and smiled. “No, I wouldn’t. And honestly, I don’t even think I’d want to go back if the opportunity presented itself. I can’t imagine a life—” He almost said without her and Matty, and stopped himself just in time. “A life without all these modern conveniences. I’m starting to like it here.”
“Good,” she answered in a tired voice. “Then stay here. You know, you’re right, Charlie. Everything always does work out in the end somehow. It may take years, but it does, doesn’t it?”
“You’re going to be okay, Suzanne. Believe that,” he whispered, stroking her hair again. “Just be patient with yourself. You’ve been through a lot lately and I think you’re one terrific lady for how you’re handling it all.”
“Thanks,” she murmured, and sighed deeply.
He felt her breath against him and, within minutes, she was sleeping, yet he didn’t stop stroking her hair. He wanted to touch her, to feel her warm body next to his, to take it all in while he could. What a woman she was. Strong. Intelligent. Funny. Warm. Charming. Resilient. Through all of her pain she was still beautiful and, sometimes, when he watched her with Matty, she took his breath away. She stirred something within him that was new. It went beyond being protective of the gentler sex. Hell, he didn’t think of her as being weak at all. It was as though for the first time he felt he’d met his equal. He could trust her.
Deliberately, he paused his thoughts.
He should be scared.
He probably should make plans to leave her when she moved from this house. He should let her heal and live her own life with her son. But right now he knew he didn’t have the strength to walk away. It wasn’t that he was frightened of making his way in a strange world. He’d done it before and he knew he could do it again. He didn’t want to leave her and Matty. It didn’t matter to him that Matty was another man’s son. He’d been there for the lad’s birth. He’d diapered him. Rocked the child to sleep. Bathed him. He was even teaching the lad to smile just like him…
Maybe he was setting himself up for a big fall.
Someday Suzanne would want to get on with her life, maybe even remarry. Would his presence hold her back? She thought of him as a friend. That’s all. And he didn’t want her to come to him in order to fill a gaping wound left by her husband’s betrayal. There really was no way out of this except for him to leave. But he couldn’t do it right now. He’d make that decision after she found a place to move. She’d said she had three months to get out of the house. Three months. You could make a lot of memories in that time. Memories he’d take with him when he left her and Matty. He had time yet, before thinking about moving on.
That is, he thought, as he tenderly placed a kiss on the top of her head and pulled her closer to his body, if he could hold out that long.
“You heard me, Laura. Ingrid’s pregnant. Four months. No wonder they want this over as quickly as possible. Tell them I’ll take the eight million for the last fifteen years of lies, and the alimony and the child support. I want to get out of this house as quickly as possible and protect myself and my son.”
“I understand, Suzanne,” her lawyer answered over the phone. “My God, this just keeps getting more and more… I don’t even know what the word is anymore.”
“Sordid,” Suzanne supplied. “I’m telling you I would look at tabloid television and wonder what kind of people lived lives like that. Now I know. Me! Talk about learning never to judge!”
“Oh, Suzanne, you’re the victim in all this. You’re not sordid.”
“Please do not refer to me as a victim, Laura. I can’t stand the word. I can’t s
tand feeling sorry for myself. I find myself crying for the most ridiculous reasons and I can’t put it down to postpartum blues any longer. I just want this over as quickly as possible so I can move on with my life. I’ll pay whatever it takes to get this moving.”
“It is moving, Suzanne. Look how far we’ve come already. I can’t get a judge to move you up on the docket, but I can harass the hell out of Kevin’s lawyers to get the paperwork completed. Then I’ll see what I can do. I know a few clerks in family court.”
“Oh, there’s one thing more,” Suzanne said. “It’s the primary reason I called you.”
“What’s that?”
“I want full custody of Matty. I can’t imagine Kevin fighting me on it, since he’ll have another child in five months.”
“Okay, I’ll tell them. What if he does put up a fight?”
“He won’t. He doesn’t even know Matty. He’s only seen him once and only for about five minutes. Besides, he’s too much of a coward, especially now, when his lawyer lets him know that Ingrid told me the whole ugly story.”
“You know we could fight to put aside the prenup now. You could be entitled to half of all marital assets… might even be thirty million.”
“As they tie us up in court and it takes years to free myself from that man? No thanks. I don’t need that kind of money and I don’t want to fight for anything, except full custody of my son.”
“All right. I’ll get on the phone as soon as we hang up. You’ve opened a checking account in your name?”
“Yes, two days ago.”
“Give me the account number, so I can have Kevin’s lawyers wire the first transition payment into it. Start concentrating on building a new life, Suzanne. At least it will help take your mind off the rest of it for a while.”
“Yes, I think that’s just what I’ll do, Laura. Thanks.”
After giving Laura her new account number, she hung up the phone and looked around at the farmhouse. Once she had loved it. Now it seemed like a place of lies. Even the decorations were planned with a future. What kind of future could she possibly have had with a man who only married her to stay in the life of her friend? Had she just imagined that Kevin loved her? Was it merely affection? Did she provide the perfect front? A naive woman who had loved both of them unconditionally? Who tried not to see their faults, and excused them when they were too blatant to be ignored? Who honestly believed they could be trusted? It didn’t seem possible that something like this had happened to her, and yet it had. She’d admitted it to Charlie, how she felt like such a fool for being so easily deceived. And maybe that’s what this anger was all about. Being a fool for fifteen years was hard to swallow.
She found him in the backyard, fixing a bird feeder that was attached to a graceful limb of an apple tree. “Hey, Charlie,” she called out.
He turned around and smiled, something that she knew she would never tire of seeing—the way his green eyes lit up lately whenever he looked at her, the lines of laughter that surrounded them, the big grin, showing his perfect white teeth. She sighed as she walked closer. Put it out of your mind, she again reminded herself, even though she knew she would never forget being held in his arms the night Ingrid had dropped her bombshell. What comfort she had felt cradled against him. He’d thought she was sleeping, and she was—almost—yet she knew he’d kissed the top of her head and held her even closer. It was a display of sympathy for being wounded once again. The poor man was witness to her worst times and still he supported her through it all. What a good friend he was, and she wasn’t about to mess it up with romance.
Hell, romance was definitely out, no matter how great-looking he was, how kind, honorable, and half a dozen other things she had always been searching for in a mate. Even though she had settled for less in her marriage, romance had almost ruined her life and she wasn’t about to dive into it again any time soon, if ever. She was done with illusions and fantasies.
“Hey, Suz,” he called out as she approached. “Almost finished with this. Soon we’ll have the song of spring right outside the door.”
“No we won’t.”
He held the hammer in his hand and turned his head. “We won’t?”
“Forget fixing anything more here. We’ve got more important things to do,”
“We do?”
Nodding, she said, “We’ve got to start packing. We’re moving away from here as quickly as possible.”
She noticed he set his jaw, as though accepting bad news. “Hey, this is it, Charlie. We’re about to start a new adventure.”
His smile was forced as he nodded. “You’ll do fine, Suzanne. I know you will.”
She saw a sadness in his eyes now. Funny, she didn’t know he was so attached to the farm.
12
She looked down at her son, asleep at her breast, and smiled with the love that filled her heart. In spite of all the ugliness, she was blessed with this incredible being who was changing before her eyes. His hair was getting lighter, turning blond like hers; his eyes were blue, like hers. He even had that tiny thin line under his nose, just like hers. When he nursed, he now looked right up at her, staring into her eyes with such wonder that her whole body almost vibrated with love. His last visit to the pediatrician indicated he was in the upper twenty-fifth percentile in weight and length. The doctor thought her due date must have been off by two weeks as Matty appeared as healthy as any full-term baby.
Yes, she was definitely blessed.
That’s what she was doing lately—counting her blessings instead of her woes. She was sick of woes, sick of the drama, the tears. She wanted to be happy again. She remembered happiness, that feeling of well-being, and wanted it back. Right now she had her son. A wonderful, supportive friend. A good lawyer. And her health. There was more than enough to be happy about, and she wasn’t waiting until the rest of her life fell into place. Maybe it would take years, but that was her focus now. The divorce was proceeding, as Kevin had agreed to her retaining full custody, and Laura’s connection to a family law clerk had moved the case up on the docket. In less than two weeks, she would be single again.
She was getting her life in order. Piece by piece. She’d looked at a few rentals, but hadn’t picked one out yet. She didn’t want to leave the area, or rather to leave Matty’s pediatrician yet. Maybe in a few months they would just pack up and leave for another state, but right now she didn’t want a drastic move. Charlie had been helping with the packing, or more accurately, she’d been helping Charlie with the packing, as Matty took up so much of her time. She wasn’t taking everything from the house. She’d leave the furniture, save for the nursery. There were too many memories attached to furnishings she had chosen with Kevin in mind. No, she would start fresh in a place free of memories and begin to heal her heart and mind.
She glanced at her wristwatch and realized she had just enough time to put Matty down for his nap, take a quick shower, and then make it to her appointment. She eased her breast away from Matty’s mouth and, after adjusting herself, brought her son to her shoulder. Patting him on the back, she rose from the rocker and headed for the stairs. Before she hit the upstairs hallway, Matty burped and Suzanne grinned as she headed for his room. When she lay him gently in his crib, he murmured once, opening and closing his eyes sleepily, then sighed a tiny breath. Now he should sleep for at least three hours and she would have time to get to her appointment and be back before he awoke.
Thank heavens Matty had turned into such a good sleeper, she thought as she walked into her bedroom. She stood for just a moment and looked at the king-sized bed, the place where Matty had been conceived. It had been love, at least on her part. She would always be able to tell him that when he got older and started to ask questions. She walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She was dreading this appointment with her gynecologist. It was her six-week checkup, and she knew he would tell her it was fine to resume marital relations. Sex. Like she would even consider it now. And with whom?
Charlie’s face
crossed her mind, but she quickly dismissed it. Something was up with Charlie. He’d become… distant. Well, maybe not distant, but quiet. He didn’t laugh as much and sometimes she caught him looking at Matty with the oddest expression of sadness. It was way too weird, and she had tried to speak to him about it, but he’d claimed he didn’t know what she was talking about, so she’d dropped it. Maybe it was just the pressure of the move and the uncertainty of his future. She had assured him his future was with her and Matty for as long as he wanted. What more could she do?
Pulling off her jeans, she threw them on the platform around the Jacuzzi, followed by her blouse and her bra. She looked in the mirror briefly and sighed at her reflection. Her stomach was flatter now, but she didn’t know if it would ever be firm again. She had no time for sit-ups or gyms, at least not now. Her breasts were still far bigger than they’d ever been in her life. She was a mother, with a definite motherly form. It was worth it, she thought, thinking of her son sleeping down the hall.
She giggled as she opened the glass shower door and spied her razor on the shelf next to her bath gel and sponge. Time to shave her legs. She’d do it for her doctor, but then that was it. She had more important things in her life right now to concern herself with—like getting out of this house and beginning her new life. That’s what she liked to call it. Her new life. Hers and Matty’s—and Charlie’s too. She’d made another appointment with a property management company for five o’clock today. This time she’d plead with Charlie to come with her and Matty.
Standing under the spray of hot water, she picked up the tube of scented soap and squeezed a portion of it onto the sponge. She began washing herself as she thought of Charlie again. Something was really bothering him. It was as though he were slowly shutting her out, and she didn’t know how to mend whatever it was that was causing it. Maybe getting him more involved with choosing a new place would make him feel better about the move.
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