Ely put his finger in my face. “You listen here. Louise was a good woman. The secrets she kept was to protect you’ins. Don’t you be givin me no whinin about truthfulness. They was never a better woman than your momma.”
I turned my head and sniffed away the tears. “What else do I need to know?”
“I ain’t sure I’m gonna tell you with that snitty attitude.”
I took in a breath to calm myself. “All I want is the truth. That’s all, Ely. Justice keeps whinin I need to trust, but that’s hard to do when they ain’t no truth to be had. Try and understand, Ely. Try.” I struggled to stand.
He slipped his knife from his boot sheath and cut a small branch that jutted from an oak limb onto the porch. I could see him chewin on his words as he picked off the leaves and let them float to the ground.
“Ely. Please. I need the truth. I can’t figure things right if I ain’t got the truth. What else was Momma hidin?” There had to be more.
The door squeaked as Bess pushed it open with her elbow. “Here. Leastways you both have some coffee.” She run the hot brew under my nose so I could get a good sniff.
The smell sent chills down my arms as it tickled ever bud on my tongue. “Don’t you think so, Bess?”
She handed Ely his cup. “Thinkin is somethin I try to do ever step I take.” She snickered at her own joke. “So guess you best tell me what I should be thinkin over?”
“Lawsy mercy. Here it comes.” Ely shook his head. Askin Bess for an opinion was like stickin your hand in the honey tree. It might just get stung.
“Truth, Miss Bess. I asked Ely to tell me the truth about Momma. All of it. I’m tired of tryin to piece these lies together.”
I’d struck a nerve, cause Bess’s smile dropped. She glanced at Ely and then back at me, never utterin a word.
“You know too, don’t you?”
Bess sighed. She patted Ely’s hand and nodded. “Truth comes in all sorts of shapes. Sometimes it’s hard to take in. Other times it becomes the light that guides us.” She leaned into Ely and kissed his cheek. “Even if it’s hard to swaller . . . it’s always right. Ain’t that so, Ely?” She walked inside.
“Ely? You’re scarin me. Did Momma do somethin bad?”
“Louise was a wonderful soul. She saved me and Bess.”
“I know that, you’ve told me.”
Ely paced the porch before he stopped. “Miss Worie, the truth is, your momma loved children, and it just killed her she could never have her own babies.”
“What?” I felt my knees buckle. Ely took my good arm and set me in the rocker. “What do you mean, Momma couldn’t have no babies of her own? There’s me and Justice.”
“Miss Worie, this is a can of worms I never wanted to open.”
My voice raised a notch. “It’s open, Ely. Ain’t no closin it now.”
Ely went to his knees. “Your momma never could have babies. No matter how she tried, she couldn’t never have no youngins. One day she run upon a woman tryin to give birth—your momma—and bein the woman she was, stepped in to help.”
There was no words. I couldn’t get my thoughts together. My whole life, Justice’s whole life. We was both just like Calvin. Orphans. I couldn’t breathe.
Ely took my hand. “You listen to me, Miss Worie. That woman died havin you. She didn’t have no family. And when your momma looked around and saw little Justice toddlin around, and when she held you, brand new in this world, she wasn’t gonna let either of you die.”
My chest ached like somebody had stabbed me.
“Your momma and daddy brought all you youngins into their home. Calvin. You and Justice. In her eyes you was all hers. Ever one of you. She never looked no different at you youngins. Never one time.”
“You knew all this time?” I asked.
Ely stared at the porch slats. He run his finger along the cracks between the boards. “I knew. We knew. Me and Bess. Whether you never knew your real momma died never mattered. You’d never know her. She was dead. They was no point in raisin you to wonder. Your momma and daddy never wanted you to have no void. They loved you youngins with everthing they had. That’s the kinda folks they was. That’s the kinda friends they was.”
I thought hard for a minute. My heart was tore. I loved my momma and daddy. Ely was right. They was the kinda folks any child would want. Momma was tender, gentle, lovin. Daddy was stern, but his love was nothin I ever questioned. Still, it was seventeen years of lies. Lies. How could I forget that?
I was angry. Hurt. And at the same time, I never felt so loved. Then it hit me.
“Justice,” I whispered. What about Justice? He’d been tryin so hard to stop drinkin the hooch. Betwixt me nearly gettin killed and now this, stayin away from his crutch would be hard.
Ely stood. “I reckon this is my job to give him this news. You ain’t in no frame of mind to do it.”
“Poor Justice,” I whispered. Would this ache not end?
“Worie, that boy is a man. When is you gonna learn you ain’t his momma?”
I shouted back at Ely, “I reckon he ain’t got no momma, now does he? Never had one!”
Ely eyed me straight on. I’d done crossed the line between hurt and anger. The vein in his neck raised. He was bitin back his anger. “Justice is grown. He’s got to learn to take hard news like a man. You best learn that you can’t do it for him. He’ll be fine.” Ely rubbed his neck and his nose flared. “But you. You gotta let loose of this anger. They comes a time in a body’s life when they need to accept the blessins the good Lord lays on them. His ways ain’t ours. That’s in the good book.” He dusted his trousers and gently squeezed my knee. “I ain’t sorry for keepin this from you. It wasn’t no sin. It was love. You need to learn love does what it must. If you question that, then read the good book.”
“That ain’t fair, Ely. That ain’t fair!” I shouted.
Ely come right to my face. “What ain’t fair? It ain’t fair that your real momma died birthin you. It ain’t fair you was took in by a momma who loved you with ever part of her soul. Raised you good. Taught you what you know. I reckon I ain’t too good at understandin what fair is.”
“But . . .”
“But what, Worie? I don’t supposed I’ve ever raised my voice to you. I’s just an old slave been set free in more ways than you know, but you need to stop blamin and start lovin.” Ely stomped through the door, and after a minute he come back. He slammed a book on my lap. “You want truth, Miss Worie. Look for it. You’ll find it right here.”
I eyed the book. Momma’s Bible. I felt like I had just been beat with a horse whip.
Ely swiped at his eyes. “Miss Worie, you’re a good woman. You got your momma’s heart. But you got an anger that takes the good and does away with it.”
“I what? I got anger?”
“Anger! And till you figure the world don’t spin to suit you, you ain’t gonna never have no peace.” Ely tapped his fingers on the book, then walked away.
I rubbed my fingers across Momma’s Bible. They wasn’t no reason why I couldn’t believe in the good Lord like Momma did. But once I started takin heed to Him, it seemed like nothin but trouble followed. I shook my head. No matter what I did, I couldn’t push away the tug at my heart. Is this how the good Lord shoves His way on people? Puttin them in places where they couldn’t say no?
My fingers dug into the weathered leather, and I pulled it close to my heart. I’d done come face-to-face with my own misgivins, and I supposed they was still misgivins to have. Bess knew what she was talkin about. Truth can be hard to swaller, and right now I was chokin.
Momma raised us good. They was no reason for Calvin’s hate or Justice’s drinkin. It come to me that Momma did the best she could. She couldn’t make our decisions. The paths we took as grown-ups was our own doin. Momma couldn’t fix them. I guessed that’s why she wrote them papers. Maybe them was her hopes for us. One last effort to guide us in a different direction.
I strained to stand and make my way to the
porch rail. The morning fog had lifted and the outline of the mountains was drawed across the sky. Memories of the city brushed through my mind. It wasn’t a place for me. There was no desire to ever go back, just the desire to make things right for these youngins.
Doanie and T. J. come outta the outhouse. She was praisin him to high heaven for usin the hole. In the midst of this mess, I had to laugh. She was like a little momma herself. Abeleen carried a basket into the henhouse. She stopped and petted the hound that stayed at her heels. What a strong child. She’d grow into a fine woman.
All I could do for these youngins was love them, guide them. They’d come a day, just like Momma, I couldn’t change their paths.
I looked at them youngins, and I could see they had happiness in the horror of what they’d survived. Despite all them children had lost . . . there was laughter. It was a lesson I needed to learn.
Out by the garden, Ely stood, hands in his pockets, talkin to Justice. I watched as Justice bent forward and rested his hands on his knees. Ely had told him. Justice picked up a rock and tossed it hard across the garden. But what touched me most was seein Ely wrap his arms around Justice. They was no doubt Ely and Bess had loved Momma and Daddy. Loved us.
I tried to hold the reins on everthing that happened. It had to be my way. I knew best . . . or did I? I was always hardheaded, even stubborn. It was hard to imagine somebody else might have a better way of doin things.
Ely come back to the cabin. He took my good hand and kissed it. “I love you, Miss Worie. Always have.”
His voice was hard, and when it quivered, I thought it was just that he was old, but it wasn’t. I saw somethin in Ely’s eyes I’d never seen . . . His eyes was filled with hurt. Hurt I’d brought on.
CHAPTER
THIRTY-TWO
Since things had been quiet for a few weeks, I thought it would bring me peace, but it didn’t. Daddy always talked about the quiet before the storm. I remember him standin on the porch, watchin the lightnin in the distance. Hours passed and the lightnin never come no closer.
Daddy said, “Louise, the storm . . . it’s growin. Night’s comin. I hate it when I can’t see the evil crawlin through the dark.” He paced the path by the house. “They ain’t no sound. Not even a bird. It’s the quiet before the storm. You know that means all hell is about to break loose.”
Daddy was never wrong when it come to readin Mother Nature, so Momma herded us youngins into the house. I remember he hadn’t much more than got them words outta his mouth when the wind kicked up and the thunder went to shakin the mountain. It was a storm like none we’d seen. Trees twisted and their roots was tore outta the ground. Balls of ice fell from the heavens, slammin the wooden roof of the cabin, knockin out the thatch. As that storm roared through the gap, I remember the five of us huddled in a circle, arms wrapped tight around one another. And Momma prayed through the noise of the wind, “Good Father, if You save nothin, save my babies.”
Save my babies. It come to me how selfless Momma was. She’d have died for us . . . died in our place.
There was no comfort not hearin from Calvin. Lookin over my shoulder wasn’t any way to live. Even on days when things seemed alright, they really wasn’t. I was just waiting for the storm.
I’d got outta that bed and to my feet as quick as I could force my legs to hold me steady. Work was the best healin—despite how hard it was. The guilt of not pullin my weight worried me. I’d washed eggs, pulled weeds from the garden. Anything I could do to help. My arm ached, but Bess was good to keep after me to hold it steady. I couldn’t do much without her dotin over me, tyin it tight to my chest so I couldn’t move it.
“Missy, that arm ain’t gonna heal if you don’t hold it still,” Bess snapped. I kissed her forehead. She waved her hand at me. “Don’t you be tryin to butter me up. I know what needs to be done to heal that wing. Your scootin close to my heart ain’t gonna change that.” She grumbled and made her way toward the house.
Trigger come up the path from the barn. He was haulin two baskets of eggs Abeleen had took from the henhouse. I watched as he climbed the rocky path to the porch.
“Looky there. Good to see you gettin up and about.” He kissed my cheek.
A chill went down my spine and I smiled. “What brings you up here?” I asked.
“I’ve been back and forth from Hartsboro. Checkin in on things. Waitin on you to heal. Gotta keep that forge runnin. Wondered if Abeleen might let me buy that forge. If you think that is a good idea.”
Trigger hadn’t changed in the years we was apart. He still waited. Momma would say he was a patient man. I said he never had no backbone. He couldn’t make a decision—waited for somebody to always tell him what he was doin was right. He tugged at my heart and made me mad all at the same time.
“Trigger, why are you waitin on me? What is they to wait on?”
He looked at me right strange like.
“What’s on your mind?” I didn’t mean for my words to seem harsh, but he befuddled me. As much as I cared for Trigger, as much as he sent chills down my back, I can’t say I loved him. He was sweet, genuine, and it took me some time to figure that. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to choose to stay and help Momma manage the homestead rather than to marry Trigger. My heart wasn’t in it.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t Trigger that was missin backbone. It was me. I didn’t have the umph to just tell him he was a good man but not one that took my heart. It was easier to blame my givin up marryin him on Momma. Truth was, I couldn’t be honest with myself.
My askin what he was waitin on seemed to sting him like a bumblebee. Trigger cleared his throat. “I need to get these eggs to Miss Bess. We can talk when you’re feelin stronger. Ain’t nothin pressin.”
“No, Trigger. We can talk now.”
He froze in his steps.
“Set them eggs down and talk to me.”
He eased the baskets to the ground. I sat on the porch step and motioned for him to sit too.
“Like I said, I’m glad to see you up and about.” Trigger gently tapped my knee with his hand.
“Trigger, what are you waitin for? What’s on your mind?”
He squirmed next to me, hemmin and hawin, tryin to find the words.
“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” I snapped. “Can’t you just one time say what’s on your mind?”
“Alright. If that’s what you want. I didn’t want to cause you no more hurt.”
“I reckon that’s needless worry. Look at me. I’m about as hurt as a woman can be. Come on, spit out your words.” I sounded right hateful.
Trigger stood and took my good hand. “They was a time I pined after you. And when we run upon each other in Hartsboro, I felt them same feelins rise up in my heart. But the truth is . . .”
I couldn’t imagine what he was achin to say, but I kept my mouth shut and give him the time he needed to spit out the words.
“I don’t want you to think I still have them feelins.”
I stared Trigger in the eye, tryin to decide whether to laugh out loud.
“Truth is, I’ve been spendin a good amount of time with Miss Ellie.”
“Ellie?” I tried to be polite. It was obvious Trigger was worried he’d set me into a rage. “Well, ain’t that somethin.”
“Now, don’t go gettin all bent outta shape. I know she’s carryin a child. But I’ve growed attached to her.”
I caught sight of someone peekin around the edge of the barn. “That Ellie eyein us from the barn?”
Trigger spit and sputtered, tryin to find good words. “You was good to take her in. Just like you took in them other youngins. But she’s a woman carryin a child.”
I stood and returned the kiss he’d placed on my cheek. “Trig, they was a time you filled a space in my heart too, but I got these youngins to care for. Right now, managin them, seein to Justice, and doin my part best as I can to help Ely and Bess takes up what heart I got.”
Trigger was silent.
&n
bsp; I couldn’t tell if he was tore from hurt or just relieved. “Ellie is a good person. She’s been done wrong by Calvin, and if you’re willin to take her in, care for her and her youngin, then I’d say you’re a better person than I could ever be.”
“I’m took back, Worie. I figured I’d be eggin a fight.”
Another slap in the face. Did ever person that come my way expect a fight? “You go bring Ellie up here. Let me talk to her.”
Trigger tore down to the barn, hollerin for Ellie like a little boy that just killed his first squirrel.
It wasn’t long before she peeked around the edge of the porch. “You called for me?”
I looked at the girl, her belly rounded with a new life, and all I could do was take her in my arms. “They ain’t enough words to tell you how sorry I am for what you have been put through.” I stepped back, then took her face in my hands. “Trigger is a good man. He’ll make a good husband.” I touched her tummy. “And a good daddy.”
Her eyes brightened as she pressed my hand tight against her child. She nodded, then walked away.
“That was right kind of you.”
I jumped, startled like a pup stealin a sliver of meat from the hook. Pastor Jess stepped outta the cabin, a cup of coffee steaming in his hand.
“Can’t say they was anything nice to be done.”
“I see a couple of things I call good. The first bein you set a young man free.”
“Pastor, I didn’t have no chains on Trigger. He’s been free of me for a couple of years.”
“Maybe not chains you could see. But you freed him from an obligation. Give him permission to follow his heart.”
I took the coffee from the pastor’s hand and took a swig. “You talk like I got some kind of power over people.”
“No. But love is a funny thing. It makes its own chains that bind us to one another. Sometimes a body just needs to know it’s alright to move on.”
Move on. Them was words that sounded right nice, but they was no movin for me. Not until Calvin was caught.
“Pastor Jess, you’ve been with Justice. How’s he doin?”
“Ain’t for me to say. He’s your brother. And it seems you both got some things you need to get used to. Ely told me about your momma.”
What Momma Left Behind Page 19