by Kennedy Fox
I sniff and wipe my nose with the tissue Liam gave me. “I don’t know how I’m going to go on without him, Mrs. Locke.”
She rubs her hand against my back and gives me a small smile. “You’ll have to do it the same way I am—one minute, one hour, one day at a time—and continue to live the life Brandon would want you to live. He loved you so much, Lennon, and above anything, he’d want you to be happy.”
I open my mouth, but no words come out, just a ragged sob.
Hunter gives Brandon’s mom a side hug, then sits next to me. He doesn’t say anything and just stares forward. Eventually, people come up to speak to Brandon’s mother, and she gives me one last hug and walks away. I stare at the slideshow, seeing all the photos of Brandon as a kid, pictures of him and Hunter, Liam, and Mason, and us when we first started dating. As soon as it ends, it repeats itself, and I watch it five more times before I feel like I can breathe again.
“I’m ready,” I tell Hunter. He nods as I stand.
My shoes feel made of concrete as I walk forward. Brandon’s dad stands by the casket and speaks to people after they pay their respects. When I realize I’m next, my heart races and pounds so hard in my chest, I hear it in my ears. I take a step forward, and when I see Brandon lying there, I lose my fucking mind.
For the last week, I tried to imagine this moment. I imagined what it would be like to see his lifeless body, and as I look at him, it’s not how I thought it would be. Makeup on his face covers the bruises and gashes from the helmet, but I can still see it all. I overheard Hunter talking to the guys about how much blood was at the scene, and just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. This is not him. This is not my baby lying here. My heart aches, not understanding why such a good person was ripped away from me. All I can hope is that he didn’t feel any pain, but after seeing how broken he is, I’m not so sure. I hate knowing he was alone when he died. My body begins to tremble and shake, and Hunter places his hand around my shoulders and squeezes, bringing me against his body for comfort. If I could crawl inside and be buried with Brandon, I would.
For the first time in my life, I truly understand how Romeo and Juliet felt, not wanting to live without the other. And if I would’ve joined him on that ride, who knows what my own fate would’ve been or if any of this would’ve happened. As I kiss my fingertips and place them on his lips, the lips I’ve kissed for the past two years, I know I’ll never be the same. At least we had that, but whoever said it’s better to have loved and lost is fucking wrong.
“I love you, Brandon. I love you so much. Save a place for me up there, baby,” I whisper, thinking how un-goddamn-fair this all is. I feel as if I’m suffocating as I somehow break away from him, knowing it’s really the last time I’ll ever see him again.
Brandon’s dad gives me a hug, and I don’t even hear the things he says to me. As I walk back to my seat, I realize Hunter isn’t behind me, and when I turn around, I see him still at the casket with tears falling down his cheeks. It’s the first time I’ve seen him break down since we found out, and I realize how much it’s destroying him too. He’s been putting on a brave face, but right now, he’s releasing it all. We’re two broken people who will have to somehow find a new normal, though I’m not sure one exists. Mason and Liam join him, and they stand there together, saying goodbye to their friend.
As I wait, I hear a voice behind me calling my name, and that’s when I see Maddie and Sophie walking toward me. They pull me into their arms, and I’m so grateful my sisters are here. My parents wanted to come, but Dad had to speak at a funeral service for a longtime member of the church, so I told them it was fine and meant it. My sisters tell me how much they love me and are here for me, and I don’t ever want to let them go.
Maddie grabs my hand, and we go to a pew close to the front. They sit on each side of me and hold me tight. Being in this room makes me want to jump out of my skin.
Soon the service starts, and it becomes a blur as the pastor officiates. It’s a beautiful service, but I can barely focus on anything that’s said.
Brandon’s mother allows me to stay with the family to say my last goodbyes, but I hardly remember it because shock takes over. Hunter, Liam, and Mason, along with Brandon’s cousins and childhood friends, were asked to be pallbearers. I watch as they lift the casket and carry it to the hearse. Brandon’s mother asks me to ride in the limo with them to the gravesite, so I do. During the drive over, I stare out the window, trying to process everything. The car eventually slows, and I get out, following behind Brandon’s family. They carry him to the tent set up by the burial site, and I somehow walk toward it.
It’s funny because at this moment, I notice the clouds moving across the bright blue sky and how time keeps ticking, regardless if I feel like my world has stopped. Stepping under the tent, I hear sobs escape from Brandon’s mother, and I feel as if I might faint, so I find an empty chair to sit in instead. The pastor preaches on as I stare at the shiny black box in front of me. Memories of us together flood in, and for a second, I hear his voice in my head, telling me it’s going to be okay. The minutes feel like hours, and then within a blink, it’s all over, and everyone is dismissed.
I take a single rose from the flower arrangement draped over the casket before they lower it into the ground. A scoop of dirt lands on top of the box and then another until my Brandon is fully covered. Then, just like that, it’s over, and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart alone.
Maddie and Sophie say their goodbyes. I hug Brandon’s family and walk to Hunter’s truck. Soon he unlocks it, and we climb inside. We ride back to the apartment in silence, the only sound the engine rumbling down the street. We park, I walk up the stairs, and once inside, I sit on the couch.
As I stare at the blank television, I realize this is what true loneliness feels like. And I think it might be here to stay.
Chapter Twelve
Hunter
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life is bury my best friend. For the past six years, since we were freshmen in college, we’ve been inseparable. From playing football together, then becoming roommates, he’d been one of the only constants in my life. Through hard times, he always had my back and supported all my decisions, even if they were stupid. The only thing that could separate us was death itself; nothing could’ve gotten in the way of our friendship.
As I roll over and turn off the alarm on my phone, I think about how pissed I am at him. I told him not to buy that fucking motorcycle so many times, and he did it anyway. I wish I could go back in time and stress how bad of an idea it would be. Not that he would’ve listened to me, but I could’ve tried harder. Once Brandon made up his mind, nothing could change his decision, but I should’ve done more to persuade him. The guilt of that alone has me clenching my jaw, anger finding its way back in.
I sit on the edge of my bed and rub my hands over my face. I’m still numb from the funeral yesterday, and while I don’t want to go to work, I have to. Last week, I left early on a few days because I felt as if I were crumpling. My mind hasn’t been right since the day the officers delivered the news. A piece of me died with Brandon.
At first, I thought it had to be a mistake, but as the reality set in that he was in an accident, I’ve experienced a whirlwind of different emotions, and watching Lennon suffer through this hasn’t helped. I’ve tried to help her, though she’s not really asked for anything.
Since she’s moved in, I’ve treated her like shit, and now things are awkward between us because neither of us knows where to go from here. I don’t know what to talk about, but I try to make sure she’s eating and gets off the couch some. What kills me the most is how she’s completely stopped singing since the accident. I used to bitch about it so much, but now it’s all I want. She’s not herself, and I’m not sure when she will be again. If ever.
Though, I admit I haven’t been myself lately, either. I’m short with people at work, and I want nothing more than to be alone to process my thoughts. I haven
’t really done that yet, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to.
I force myself to stand and go through my morning routine. After I dress, I walk to the kitchen and turn on the light as I brew some coffee. I’m not ready for the day or to deal with the emptiness that blankets me. The coffeepot beeps, pulling me away from my thoughts, and I fill my to-go mug. As I snap on the lid, I feel someone behind me. I turn and see Lennon and give her a small smile. She smiles back, but it doesn’t meet her eyes the same way it used to.
“Do you want me to make you some breakfast?” I ask, knowing I don’t have time, but I’ll be late for her if that means she’s eating something.
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.” She opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of water, then leaves the kitchen. I follow her into the living room where she’s determined to sleep every night.
And most of the day.
“Lennon, if you need anything while I’m at work, please call me.” She lies down and pulls the blanket over her body and turns on her side, facing away from me. I hate that she’ll be alone like this, but I have to go.
“I will,” she mutters, and I know the conversation is over. It’s basically how we communicate lately. I’d much rather have her curse me out and tell me how much of a dick I am than see her like this.
After checking the time, I decide to leave and get on the road before I get stuck in traffic. As I pull up to the office building, I call Sophie.
“Hunter?” she asks when she answers the phone.
“Hey. Yeah. Sorry for calling you this early, but I’m really worried about Lennon. If you have any free time throughout the week, can you stop by and make sure she’s eating, maybe get her out of the house or something? Maybe Maddie can help too?”
“Um, yeah, sure. I’ve been trying to reach out to her, but she’s been completely unresponsive,” Sophie says, defeated.
“I know. She’s been like that with everyone lately. I know it’s going to take time, but I’m concerned. And I know if she needs anything, she’s too stubborn to ask anyone, especially me.”
She chuckles. “She is.” The line sits silent for a moment. “How are you doing with all this, Hunter? Are you okay?”
“As okay as I can be considering the situation. But hey, I’m walking into work so I gotta go.” I try to get out of talking about myself, and we end the call. I have her sisters’ numbers just in case I need them for things like this, which, so far, has come in handy.
After my morning meeting, I give my boss a status update on the apartment complex project. I spend the next few hours calling different contractors to go through the upcoming milestones and deadlines along with approving payments for the completed work. Before lunch, I let everyone in the office know I was going to the jobsite to do a walk around. After that’s done, I stop by a local taco shop that Lennon loves and pick up her favorite burrito.
I drive across town to the apartment, and when I walk in, I’m surprised to see she’s not on the couch. The water is on in the shower, and when I set the food down on the table, it stops. Moments later, she’s stepping into the room towel drying her hair, and when she sees me, a terrifying scream escapes her.
I hold out my hand. “I’m sorry. I thought I’d bring you lunch. I got your favorite burrito from Taco Ranchero.”
“Hunter.” She tilts her head at me as she tries to catch her breath. “You don’t have to take care of me, okay?”
My eyes meet hers. “I know that, but Brandon would want me to.”
“That doesn’t make me your responsibility,” she blurts out. She stops in her tracks and swallows hard. “I’m sorry. I—” She shakes her head, bringing her fingers up to her temples, and I wish I wouldn’t have said that because I notice how much it upsets her even though it’s partly the truth. I want to take care of her for selfish reasons too. I hate seeing her this distraught, and considering there’s nothing I can do about his death, I can be here for her in every way possible.
“No, I’m sorry. I just know he’d want me to make sure you’re eating and taking care of yourself, and that’s all I can do right now. If I’m overstepping my boundaries, tell me, and I’ll stop.”
“Hunter…” Her bottom lip trembles. “You don’t have to apologize. I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me even if I haven’t shown it.” She shakes her head. “I just don’t feel like myself. I’m so fucking sad that I don’t know what to do or how to act. Time stands still, but it goes by so fast, and I feel as if I’m living the same day in hell over and over again.” Tears stream down her face, and I want to hold her, tell her it’s okay, and comfort her even if I don’t know how. But instead, I stand there feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
“Lennon…” I tell her. “Come sit. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know what you’re going through. It’s not easy, and I don’t know how I’m going to get over this either. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and the only person who understands that right now is you.”
She sits, and I take the food from the bag and hand her some napkins. I ordered the same thing because it’s my favorite burrito too.
We unwrap our food, and neither of us immediately eats. Before it gets cold, I take a bite, and she follows. I haven’t had an appetite for the past week and haven’t felt like going to the gym, though I know it’d probably be good for me to release some of my anger and frustrations. Every waking moment has been spent worrying about Lennon and making sure she’s moving forward, as difficult as it is. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to get out of bed in the morning.
“This is actually really good,” she says, taking another bite and sending me a sweet smile. “Sophie’s coming to pick me up in thirty minutes. We’re getting pedis and manis. I didn’t want to go, but she’s relentless, so I agreed just to shut her up,” Lennon tells me with a defeated laugh.
My heart almost bursts with joy at the sound of it, and I’m so damn happy I called Sophie on the way to work.
After we eat, a knock taps on the door, and I go answer it. Sophie smiles really big when she sees me, and I whisper a thank you to her. She gives me a small nod and enters.
“There’s my favorite sister!” she says, walking over to Lennon and wrapping her arms around her.
“I’m telling Maddie you said that,” Lennon jokes.
“It’s okay. I tell her she’s my favorite too, so she won’t believe you.” Sophie shoots Lennon a wink, then leans over and steals a bite of the burrito that’s barely been touched. “Oh mah gah.” She moans around a mouthful, taking another bite.
“Hey!” Lennon says, genuinely smiling.
“If you don’t finish eating this, I’m gonna,” Sophie threatens with a snort as she goes in for another bite.
Lennon shakes her head and stands. “I’m going to change real quick and brush my teeth. Gimme five minutes?”
Sophie nods, and Lennon walks away.
“Thank you,” I tell her again, knowing I can go to work without worrying about Lennon wasting away alone.
“Anytime. It took some begging, but she eventually caved when I told her I was coming to pick her stubborn ass up regardless if she wanted me to or not.” Sophie laughs and looks around the apartment. The last time she was over after the accident, everything was hectic, and her attention was on Lennon.
“My sister really girlied the place up, didn’t she?” Sophie stands and makes small talk. The photos of Lennon and Brandon still hang on the wall, and she looks over them as she waits. The reality of my best friend being gone practically punches me in the stomach. The sadness comes in unexpected spurts when a memory is triggered. Thankfully, Sophie doesn’t mention the photos scattered all over the place, and when Lennon enters, she turns around and puts a huge grin on her face.
“I hate how pretty you are without even trying,” Sophie tells Lennon with a pout.
I laugh and shake my head. “You both have the same genes.”
“Yeah, but she got all the good on
es,” Sophie playfully jokes.
Lennon rolls her eyes. “Okay, well, that’s what you get for telling me I was adopted for all those years.” She smirks. “We should probably get going.”
Sophie heads toward the door and walks out, and before Lennon follows her, she stops, and turns and looks at me. “Thanks, Hunter. Right now, you’re my only saving grace. And I know you’re making Brandon proud.”
Though the sparkle in her eyes is gone, and the smile is vacant from her face, I know she means it, and that’s enough for me. “You’re welcome,” is all I’m able to get out before the door clicks closed.
I put her half-eaten burrito in the fridge, then head back to work. I turn on the radio to drown out the memories of Brandon flooding my mind. The one that keeps popping into my head is how he wanted to propose to Lennon, to spend the rest of his life with her, and it’s not fair that opportunity was stolen from him. Though jealousy consumed me over the past two years, I never wanted this. If I could trade places with him, I would do it in a heartbeat. He had so much to live for.
I go back to the office and basically make calls for the rest of the afternoon. It’s annoying to have to talk on the phone so much, but I’m managing this project, and if something goes wrong, it’s my ass on the line. I want to go above and beyond so I can prove myself to my boss. Too many people expect me to fail, so I’m trying to stay focused on completing the job efficiently and effectively without any huge setbacks or disasters. This project is the only distraction I have at the moment, well, and Lennon.
Soon, the day is over, and as I’m walking to my truck, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Considering I’ve told Lennon to call me whenever she needs something, I hurry and pull it out only to see it’s Jenna. I swallow hard, exhale, and reject it. When she found out Brandon died, she texted me to give her condolences, and I thanked her. She’s texted me several times since, but I haven’t had the strength or been in the right mindset to reply. I made it clear the last time we hung out that I couldn’t give her what she deserved and that her feelings weren’t reciprocated, but she hasn’t given up. Even if I did feel the same way, I’d need to work on myself before I jump into a relationship because right now, I’m all sorts of fucked up, and it’s going to take time.