by Kennedy Fox
She looks confused as hell, not that I’m surprised. I’ll never tell her why I acted out because my feelings for her don’t matter. They can never matter.
“I don’t understand, Hunter.”
“I know. Just know that I’m sorry, okay? I’m really sorry for how I treated you, and I don’t want us to ever go back to that. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. Just trust me on this.”
Surprisingly, she doesn’t push further. “Okay.”
“Well, I’m going to lock up and turn off all the lights,” I tell her, needing some space between us before the temptation to push her against the wall and claim her mouth becomes too strong to deny.
“Okay. Good night, Hunter.” She walks away, then stops right as she reaches the bedroom door. With her hand on the knob, she looks over her shoulder until our gazes meet. “Thanks again for tonight.”
“Of course.” I flash her a small smile. “Night, Lennon.”
I wait until she’s safely tucked into the room before making sure the door is locked and the lights are off. I’m still worked up, even more now because of Lennon, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to control myself before I slip up. Sharing my past with her wasn’t something I intended to do, but it was easy to talk to her about it. Lennon doesn’t judge me. She tries to understand, and then when she shared her own story about her past, I forgot for a moment who we are.
Two people bound by grief.
Two people who can never be together.
Two people who need each other more than ever.
As long as I keep remembering that, I can do this. I can be there for her in the way she needs me. Friends.
Before I go to sleep, I take a shower and jerk off until my dick is nearly raw. I can’t act on these feelings, but I can allow myself to live in the fantasy for a few minutes. As wrong as it is, for just a moment, I pretend I live in a world where we could be together—if she’d even want me.
Chapter Seventeen
Lennon
I wake up feeling like absolute shit. Not that it’s any different from the past two and a half months, but this isn’t the same. After last weekend’s bar fight between Hunter and that drunk guy, I’ve gladly stayed inside the apartment. That was enough socialization for me for a while.
Something about that night brought Hunter and me closer, and I’m genuinely thankful for his friendship. I wouldn’t be able to get through this without him. When that guy at the bar asked if I was single, I had no idea how to respond. What would I say: “Technically, yes since he’s buried six feet under, and I’m still in love with him.”
Talk about emotional baggage.
Thank God Hunter showed up when he did. I probably would’ve broken down in tears right then and there.
I mean, I could’ve gone without him having to fight for me. But it was a nice gesture considering the guy called me a cheap whore for no damn reason.
Over the past week, I’ve buried myself in books and even managed to cook dinner a couple of times. I know I’m going to need to go shopping soon because we’re running out of shit again, and it’s not fair to make Hunter do everything. He works all day long while I’m off, and I really should be chipping in more even if I’m unmotivated.
It’s as if Sophie reads my mind from across town and sends me a text.
Sophie: Wanna hit the grocery store with Mads and me? I’m sure you need supplies in your cave.
I huff with a laugh at her assumption, but only because she’s right.
Lennon: I do, but God invented grocery delivery for a reason.
I’m messing with her, but I like seeing how far I can push her.
Sophie: Pretty sure God would say get off the couch and go see your sisters. Oh wait, he’s talking to me now. Yep, that’s exactly what he said. Picking you up in 20. Gives you enough time to scrub off the couch stench.
I roll my eyes at her message. She definitely plays the older sister role well.
Lennon: Rude AF. But fine. Give me 30.
I shower and dress and am actually ready before she arrives. Doesn’t take that long since I only blow-dry my hair and don’t worry about styling it. For work, I used to always curl it and make it look nice, but while I’m on summer break, I can’t find a reason to.
“You look nice,” Sophie says as soon as I plop down in the passenger seat. “Smell fresh and clean too.”
“You have a very backward way of saying I was smelling like shit and looking like hell,” I deadpan.
Sophie flashes me a smile, then drives out of the parking lot.
“For the record, I’m not feeling the best, so this isn’t me just giving up or anything. I feel exhausted. Probably coming down with a summer flu or something.” I groan dramatically loud as I lean back in the seat.
“Better buy some Lysol then. No one wants your weird bird flu symptoms,” Sophie says, laughing at me. I know she thinks I’m just making excuses, but I do actually feel off.
“Anyway…” I clear my throat loudly to emphasize I’m ready for a subject change. “How’s the roommate situation going? Did Maria’s boyfriend move in, or are they off again?”
“Carter’s moving in this weekend. Can’t you tell how excited I am for it?” She narrows her eyes, frowning. “Apparently, he wanted to wait for his lease to be up and has been slowly bringing his shit over.”
“Did you talk with Maria about making some house rules at least? Figure out stuff like food, cleaning, laundry.” I only ask because I know what she’s about to go through. I know if Brandon’s accident never happened, Hunter and I would still hate each other, and I don’t want that for her. It’s stressful as hell.
Sophie sighs, turning onto the highway. “I tried, but Maria’s too in love to realize this is going to change things. She basically said we’ll figure it out as we go, and that we’ll all be responsible for our own messes and food. Except that asshole always eats my snacks when he’s over. Carter doesn’t even ask; he just takes whatever the hell he wants.”
“Maybe you should get a mini fridge for your room? At least that way he won’t go in there and take it,” I suggest.
“Probably a good idea. Well anyway, I’m going to need you to keep me company and distracted when I’m not at work. Luckily, things are busy right now, so I won’t be home much anyway.”
Maddie meets us at the store with Erin, her roommate from school. They live in the dorms, but it’s set up more like an apartment. Maddie has her own bedroom and only shares the kitchen and living space. We’ve met Erin a few times now, and she seems really sweet. I’m just glad Maddie has someone like her to count on because dancers can be cutthroat and competitive during the audition season.
“You have all junk food in your cart.” I snort when I look inside. “What happened to your dietary restrictions?”
“We’re actually going on a beach trip this weekend with a few others, and we’re in charge of snacks,” Maddie explains. “Plus, it’s only a few days. I’ll be back to ice cubes and oxygen on Monday.” She rolls her eyes at me even though she really is disciplined. She’s always had a slender build, the perfect dancer’s body, but we like giving her shit anytime we can.
“Pretty sure I gained ten pounds just looking at all of that,” Sophie adds with a mock smile. “Oh speaking of feeling fat, I need to get tampons too.”
Her comment makes me laugh because I always feel super bloated before my cycle begins too. In fact, my periods were so heavy and painful, I finally went on birth control in college just to regulate them and ease the cramps. However, after Brandon died, I basically gave up on everything and stopped my pills. Probably need to get back on them so my periods don’t try to kill me next time.
“Lennon, you need some?” Sophie asks as she reaches for the ones she wants.
“So glad I don’t have to worry about that every single month,” Maddie singsongs. Since she’s been a dancer for half her life and trained so much, she developed late. In fact, training takes such a toll on her body that she
rarely gets a period at all.
“Actually, no. I’m still stocked from the last time.”
“You didn’t buy any last time we went shopping,” she replies, tossing a couple of boxes in the cart.
Blinking, I try to remember when I bought them last. I’ve only gone to the store a couple of times since the accident because Hunter’s been going. “It must’ve been before that then.” I shrug, taking the cart to the next aisle.
“Are you sure? Should I grab a box just in case?” Sophie offers. “Because there’s no way you’re stocked up for more than a couple of times. Your bathroom is way too small for that.”
That’s true. “I have a box in the cabinet under the sink.” I know that for a fact because that’s where I keep all my shit and see it in there each time I grab my blow dryer.
“Lennon.” Sophie inches closer, lowering her voice. “When’s the last time you had your period? Aren’t you on the pill? You should have it every twenty-eight days.”
“Geez, Mother.” I half-laugh. “Why do you care so much?”
“Because you’ve gone through some shit, and it can take a toll on your body just like your emotional and mental states. I’m just worried about you is all.” She flashes me a genuine look of concern, and now I feel bad for scolding her.
“Stress can affect your periods too,” I remind her. “I can’t remember the last time I had it, but I stopped taking my pill after the funeral. Mostly because I forgot.” I was too distraught to even eat.
Sophie gets out her phone and taps on the calendar app. “What are you doing?”
“Counting the weeks.”
“Why?”
“Because if you stopped taking your pill over two months ago and you still haven’t gotten your period, that means something could be off.” She starts holding up her fingers to keep track of how long it’s been.
“I’ll go back on it as soon as I get my period and can start a new cycle. I don’t know why you’re freaking out.” I continue walking, looking at the items on the shelves.
“You should get a pregnancy test,” she blurts out, which has me immediately stopping.
She walks up to me, and I turn to face her. “Have you lost your mind?” I’m getting angry now. “You know I haven’t had sex with anyone.”
“Lennon, I’m sorry. I’m not saying you have. But you could be pregnant. Brandon passed away less than three months ago. You could’ve gotten pregnant right before.” I hear the sincerity in her tone and know she’s not trying to upset me, but the reality is I don’t want to discuss this right now in the middle of the grocery store.
“That’d make me like over two months pregnant then, Soph. I think I’d know by now.” I scoff at the insane thought.
“Not always. A lot of women don’t show the first trimester or even have symptoms. I knew a girl who didn’t find out until she was basically giving birth.”
I wrinkle my nose at the thought. That seems impossible.
“What’s taking you guys so long?” Maddie interrupts, walking up behind us. “Having a sisterly chat without me?” She stalks around the cart and faces us. “What’s wrong?”
Turning away from Sophie, I respond, “She thinks I’m pregnant.”
“What?” Maddie immediately covers her mouth when she realizes how loud she is. “I mean, how?”
Sophie and I both give her a look.
“No dummies, I know how. I meant, wouldn’t you know by now if you were?” She’s treading lightly, and I appreciate the fact she doesn’t assume I’m sleeping with another guy already.
“Instead of fighting about it, let’s just get you a test?” Sophie suggests.
“I’m not pregnant,” I say dryly.
“Have you had any symptoms? Why does Soph think you’re knocked up?” Maddie asks.
I shoot her a look, narrowing my eyes at her bluntness.
“She hasn’t had her period since before Brandon died,” Sophie tells her.
“Gee, why don’t we just broadcast it over the loudspeaker?” I raise my arms, then let them slap down to my sides.
“Well, isn’t it common for your body to change during a traumatic event or something?” she asks.
“See?” I point a hand at Maddie. “Exactly what I’m saying. Sophie thinks I’m whoring around.”
“I never said that!” She scowls. “But let’s really think about this. Aside from no period, you’re fatigued, you haven’t had any appetite, and your hormones are all jacked up.” She holds a hand up to stop me when I try to defend all those things. “Those could be symptoms from grieving, I’m not saying it couldn’t be, but it could also possibly be due to pregnancy. Those are all signs, and if you weren’t grieving, you’d know one hundred percent that something was different. So just take a test and know for sure. For my sanity, please?”
I hate that she has a point even though I’m certain she’s wrong and just making this a much bigger deal than it really is. They look at me, waiting.
“Fine. I’ll take a test if that’ll shut you both up!”
“Okay, I was on your side until that last comment, so now I’m Team Pregnancy,” Maddie says with a smug grin.
I can’t be pregnant. There has to be another explanation for missing my period.
I stopped taking my pills.
My cycles are all jacked up because of how much stress I’ve been feeling between losing Brandon and working. Except now I’m not due back to work for a couple more months. So my period will probably show up, and this whole thing will be a total waste of time.
I haven’t had the appetite to eat because I’ve been too damn sad to even care about food.
Ugh, but fuck it. If this will shut them up, I’ll pee on a damn stick.
I march over to the aisle and look at all the pink boxes. Why do there have to be so many? When I don’t immediately return, Sophie and Maddie hunt me down.
“What’s wrong?” Sophie asks.
“I don’t know which one I’m supposed to get. Early response? Pink lines? Blue lines? Why are there so many?”
“Have you never had to buy a prego test before?” Erin chimes in, and I didn’t even realize she was behind us.
“No,” Sophie, Maddie, and I all respond at once. Having a baby before being married was always out of the question. Our parents would lose their damn minds and disown us. It’s why I could never tell them Brandon and I lived together. I love them and want their approval so bad that lying was a better option.
“The pink lines are better,” she suggests. “They give better readings.”
“Fine.” I grab a box that says 99.99% accurate and has two tests inside. “Happy now?” I make a show of tossing it into the cart and walking away. That’s gonna be a waste of ten bucks.
Less than an hour later, we’re back at the apartment, and I only got enough food for the week. I didn’t have time to ask Hunter what he wanted, so I just got the essentials for now.
“Want help?” Sophie asks when I take the two plastic bags and a gallon of milk from the trunk.
“Nah. They aren’t that heavy.”
“You want help unpacking everything inside?” she asks, nearly hanging out the window.
“No…” I give her a weird look, and then it hits me. “You just want to come up and make me pee on that stupid test.”
“Duh! I’m curious. Plus, you’re my sister. I’m just worried.” She gives me a pouty face so I can’t be mad at her overbearing behavior.
“When I drink enough to gain the courage to take the test, I’ll let you know.”
“You can’t drink!” She nearly jumps out of the car.
“Oh my God, I’m messing with you!” I laugh. “Calm down. I’m not that dense. I know the basic pregnancy dos and don’ts.”
“Please call me when you do it, okay? I just want to be there for you is all.”
“I know. Thank you.”
We say our goodbyes, and I go inside the apartment and start unloading everything. I always organize things beforehand
so when the checker bags my items, the freezer, pantry, and nonfood items are together. They’re all laid out on the counter when I hear the door open.
“Lennon?” I hear Hunter’s voice.
“In the kitchen,” I say, putting the milk in the fridge and moving some things around to fit the meat and yogurts. “You’re home early. Unless you came to bring me lunch,” I say with a chuckle. Hunter doesn’t always have the time to pick something up like he used to, and that’s fine because I hate being a burden. Though I can’t deny I appreciated it when he did because I had no desire or energy to think about making anything for myself.
“I have a meeting in an hour across town and forgot some shit.”
I turn and face him, admiring his look. His slacks and button-up shirt are so snug they look painted on. I’m sure his female co-workers don’t mind, though. “But I did bring you a fish sandwich from—”
As soon as the smell hits me, I step back and cover half my face. “That has to go. It’s too much.” I’m across the kitchen by the time Hunter gets the point.
“Oh, sorry. I’ll take it with me.” He’s out of the kitchen, and I finally release a breath.
My eyes snap to the counter where the pregnancy test box is sitting. I hope he didn’t see it and push it behind the coffeemaker to hide it. Oh my God.
The smells.
The nausea.
The throwing up.
No. No, no, no.
This has to be a weird coincidence. I can’t be pregnant.
“Want me to get you something else?” Hunter walks in and asks. He takes one look at my face and steps closer. “Lennon. Are you okay? You look really pale.” Hunter closes the gap between us and cups my face and studies me. “Are you sick?”
I don’t know what to say. He’s had to put up with me being here all this time, so there’s no way he’s going to want a baby living here too.
Hell, I can’t process this right now. I don’t want to tell him anything until I know for sure.