by Kennedy Fox
Sophie clears her throat, acting as mediator, then places her hand on Lennon’s. “You took the test without calling me first. You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
Lennon swallows hard, then nods. “You owe me twenty bucks.” Sophie turns to Maddie with a chuckle.
Both of them stand and rush to Lennon, wrapping their arms around her, and I lean back and watch the three of them, seeing the love they have for each other.
Sophie starts crying. “I’m so happy for you. I know how much you’ve wanted this, wanted a family.”
My heart feels like it’s being torn into a million pieces. At any moment, I could throw it up in the air as celebratory confetti. It’s official. I’m a bastard for being jealous that I wasn’t the man to give her this. It wasn’t in the cards for me, can’t ever be.
“Great, now I’m crying too,” Maddie says, and then Lennon starts.
“Stop!” Lennon sniffles with a half-laugh. “You’re making me so emotional.”
I stand and grab one of the boxes of tissues from the living room and pass it around. It’s a happy moment, one that should be cherished. After they’ve exchanged hugs and cried tears of joy, we sit down and finish eating. The room gets quiet, other than the sounds of our silverware scraping against plates.
“So,” Sophie begins, “when are you going to tell Mom and Dad?”
Lennon stills. “I haven’t thought that far ahead yet, but as soon as I do, you all will be the first to know because I’m going to get disowned.”
“They’ll get over it,” Maddie says with certainty, glancing down at the tattoo on her wrist, one of many I’ve heard. “And we’ll be here for you, no matter what.”
Lennon smiles, but I can tell she’s getting lost in her head. I wish I could say what I want, but I keep quiet. My mind’s still hung up on what Maddie said, and I realize the only person who doesn’t see how I feel about Lennon is Lennon.
Once everyone’s finished eating, and not one crumb remains, I take everyone’s plates and bring them to the kitchen. I turn on the water and rinse everything before setting them into the dishwasher. Leaving them alone, I take my time to clean up the mess Lennon made in the kitchen. When everything is spotless how she likes it, I peek my head out and tell them I’m going to bed.
“Already?” Lennon says, shooting me a smile.
“Yeah, I’m tired. Long day,” I tell her with a grin and leave them to sister time.
A week has passed since the big news. Lennon doesn’t want to tell anyone else besides her sisters and me until she sees her doctor. As we’re sitting on the couch watching another episode of Friends, she bursts into tears.
“Lennon?” I ask, confused at her sudden breakdown. “Everything okay?”
She sniffles. “Sorry. I’m just scared about tomorrow and having to go to my OB alone. Sophie and Maddie can’t break away from work and—”
“I’ll go with you,” I blurt out without thinking.
She wipes tears from her cheeks. “Really? You’d do that for me?”
I move closer to her, and she leans into me. I wrap my arm around her small frame, and she hugs me, melting into me fully. It takes everything I have to keep my emotions at bay and not pull her onto my lap.
I place my hand on the back of her head. “I’d do anything for you, Lennon. What time?”
She sucks in a deep breath. “Ten.” She pulls away and looks up at me. “Are you sure? What about your job?”
“Absolutely. Let me worry about work,” I tell her. “Plus, I don’t know anyone who’s cried during one of the funniest episodes of Friends.” I wipe away a rogue tear that’s struggling to spill from her face, and she watches me. If I weren’t keeping the biggest secret of my life from her, I’d be kissing those tears away.
Letting out a stifled laugh, she sighs. “Thank you. I feel like all I’m doing is thanking you lately. And it doesn’t feel like enough.”
I give her a small smile. “It’s more than enough,” I tell her, forcing myself to move away. “Want to watch the next one? We’re almost done with season three.”
Lennon nods and leans back on the couch. I feel her eyes on me, but I keep mine facing forward. Boundaries, I remind myself.
The next morning comes quick. It feels like my alarm was screaming for me to wake up as soon as I closed my eyes. I go to the office and take care of some paperwork before I leave and pick up Lennon for her appointment. She meets me in the parking lot to save time.
“I’m so damn nervous,” Lennon says, her leg shaking in anticipation as we drive to the clinic.
“It’s going to be fine. I’m sure you’re a little excited too.” I’m trying to be as supportive as I can because right now, more than ever, she needs it.
“Yes, I’m excited,” she says, flashing a half-smile. “Sad though, too,” she adds. I was wondering when she’d mention it.
I reach over, grab her hand, and squeeze it. She doesn’t flinch or pull away, but I do before it gets awkward. I put my hand back on the steering wheel, not knowing what came over me. It felt right, it felt natural, and it must’ve for her too.
As I turn into the parking lot, we both stare at the building. Lennon lets out a deep breath and a nervous laugh.
“We’ve got this,” I tell her, then unbuckle and open the door. She follows my lead, and we head inside. We sit in the waiting room as she fills out the necessary paperwork, and a long twenty minutes later, they finally call her name.
For some reason, I’m just as nervous as she is. I have no idea what to expect with a visit like this, so I can only imagine the anxiety she’s feeling. I don’t want there to be any issues with her or the baby for obvious reasons but also because she can’t handle any more bad news.
We follow the nurse to an exam room where they take her weight and height. The nurse asks her a thousand questions based on her paperwork, gets her blood pressure reading, and then asks about her last period. Lennon can’t give her the exact date, but she gives an estimated timeframe. If talking about this in front of me is awkward as hell for her, she doesn’t show it. Lennon answers all the questions effortlessly, describing how she’s been feeling and talking about her diet. Once the nurse has everything she needs, we’re informed that Dr. Potter will be in shortly.
Fifteen minutes later, the doctor enters with a file in her hand. “There’s the happy couple! Congratulations on your pregnancy,” she says with a big smile, looking back and forth between us before taking her seat at the tiny desk.
“Oh, um,” I begin but quickly stop when Lennon speaks up.
“No, he’s not the father,” she explains, her bottom lip trembling.
I reach over and grab her hand, squeezing it again, just as I did in the truck. “It’s okay, Lennon.”
“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Potter immediately apologizes. “I know better than to assume.”
Lennon nods, and I lean back into my chair so the two can talk. “The father died in a motorcycle accident a couple of months ago. This is Hunter, his best friend.” She pauses, then adds, “My best friend.”
My heart falls into my stomach at her declaration. I know I shouldn’t allow those words to affect me, but they do. If being her best friend is all I can ever be, I’d still die a happy man by just getting to be in Lennon’s life at all.
The doctor’s eyes soften, and she apologizes profusely for her loss. Dr. Potter basically repeats everything the nurse asked, which is annoying that Lennon has to go through it twice. Talks about taking her daily prenatal vitamins and then discusses how far along she could be. Since the first day of her last period was over two months ago, the doctor recommends getting an ultrasound. She explains they’ll be able to get the baby’s measurements and better estimate her due date.
Once she’s finished with the office visit, we’re sent to another floor for the ultrasound. A tech brings us into a darkened room and explains the whole process to Lennon, which has my mind spinning. Since she’s apparently at the end of her first trimester, they can do a trad
itional ultrasound, whatever the hell that means.
As soon as Lennon lifts her shirt, I glance away to give her some privacy. Moments later, the ultrasound tech stands closer to her, so I take that as my sign it’s okay to look. Lennon’s jeans are lowered a bit where the wand is sliding over her belly. The screen grabs my attention as we watch weird movements play out. I have no idea what I’m looking at, but it doesn’t matter because soon, the tech explains everything in detail.
“See that little flutter there?” She points at the screen, and Lennon and I both look up. “That’s the baby’s heartbeat.” She grins, and I shift my gaze to Lennon, whose eyes are watering. She’s smiling, and I know how much this means to her. “Looks like you have an active little baby in there.”
I gasp when I see a seahorse shape swimming from one side to the other. “Isn’t that cool?” Lennon asks me, bringing my attention back to her.
“You have a creature inside you,” I tease. Lennon wrinkles her nose at me, and we both laugh.
The tech continues to take the measurements, making lines from one side to the other. I can’t help staring at the screen and then flicking my gaze to watch Lennon. It feels so surreal to be experiencing this with her. I can’t help the sadness that takes over, knowing Brandon will never get this opportunity. I’d take his place in a heartbeat just so he could have his happy family.
“Alright, you ready for some pictures?” the tech asks, and Lennon immediately lights up. “Let’s see if we can get some good ones. He or she is pretty excited in there.”
Lennon giggles as she watches the tech freeze the screen and take screenshots. “According to the measurements, you’re eleven weeks along, which makes your estimated due date December twenty-third.” The tech’s entire face lights up. “Ooh, maybe you’ll have a Christmas baby.”
“A baby for Christmas. Sounds like a Hallmark movie.” Lennon snorts and grins.
The tech finishes up, hands Lennon a towel to clean up, and then gives her half a dozen photos. Once she’s ready to go, we walk to the truck and ride in silence. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to put her on the spot either, so I don’t push it.
Lennon holds the photographs as if they’re her lifeline, almost as if they’ll disappear if she lets go. We pick up some food and bring it back to the apartment and eat. Instead of going back to work, I call my boss and tell him I’m taking the rest of the day off. I don’t want to leave Lennon right now. It’s been a big, emotional day for her. Hell, and for me. I’m in way over my head if that doctor appointment taught me anything.
“I can’t believe this,” she finally speaks as we sit at the table to eat.
I give her a small smile. “Well, you better because it’s happening.”
She stares at the wall, transfixed. “I’m having a baby. This is unreal. I mean, I always wanted kids. I knew I wanted a big family. But why right now?” She ponders, but it’s almost as if she’s thinking aloud to herself and doesn’t expect an answer. I wish I had answers for her, but I don’t. “It’s like Brandon left a piece of himself behind for me so I wouldn’t be alone forever,” she says.
My eyes soften, and my heart beats faster. “You won’t be alone forever, Lennon.”
“Well, not as long as you’re with me,” she says. “At least I’ll have you.”
Her words nearly have me gasping for air and choking on it. When she says things like that, I know she doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but it still affects me. I wish with everything I am she meant them the way I mean them.
“And I’m not going anywhere,” I confirm. She rewards me with one of her sweet Lennon smiles that always turns me to mush. I’m a fucking love-sick puppy, a whipped one at that, but I don’t even care. She’s not mine to claim, but she’s mine to protect now.
Once we’re finished eating, Lennon stands and cleans up the mess, then we go to our spot on the couch to watch our show. She yawns over and over before she eventually drifts off, and I fan a blanket out on top of her. Since I’m not anywhere near tired, I decide to try to get some work done from home.
I catch up on emails and reply to as many people as I can, and by the time I look up, it’s nearly dark outside. Instead of ordering food, I throw a pizza in the oven, and the delicious cheesy scent eventually wakes Lennon.
“What’s that smell?” she asks with a raspy sleepy voice.
“Pizza,” I tell her.
Five minutes later, it’s done, and I’m putting pieces on plates and delivering drinks to the coffee table for us. As we sit and eat, I realize how fucking envious I am of Brandon for everything he had. I try not to allow the dark thoughts to take over, but I can’t help it. I try to push them away, not wanting to have them at all.
“What is it?” Lennon asks with concern in her voice. Maybe she notices me as much as I do her.
“Nothing,” I say around a mouthful of the saddest pizza I’ve ever eaten.
She gives me a weak smile. “You can tell me. It won’t upset me. I know it was about Brandon.”
I swallow hard, wondering how the hell she knew that. Shrugging, I decide to tell her some. “Just hate that he can’t be here for you. That he doesn’t know he’s having a kid. That he can’t eat this shitty pizza with you.”
The last part has her chuckling. “I wasn’t going to say anything. But yeah, I’m never buying this brand again. It was a total fail on my part.”
She doesn’t say anything about my other admissions, though, and I’m happy she doesn’t because I know she feels the same way too. It’s the elephant in the room. Once we’re full, Lennon gets up and lets me know she’s going to take a shower.
She typically showers in the mornings, but after Brandon’s death, she’s used the bathroom as an escape to cry, so I don’t question her about it.
I pick up our mess, and just as I throw the rest of the pizza in the trash, I hear the water come on. Then I hear her singing.
Slowly, I walk down the hallway and stand outside the bathroom door to make sure I’m not imagining things. My eyes flutter closed, and I rest my head against the door, wishing I could tell her all my secrets and put my heart out on the line. Her soft and sweet voice sings so beautifully; I nearly give her a round of applause when the water turns off. I go into my room and shut the door. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I rub my hand over my face. It’s the first time she's sung since Brandon’s death, and it has me crumpling, falling, so damn happy that I can barely compose myself.
The bathroom door creaks open, and I hear her walk to her room and shut the door, then moments later, she knocks on mine. After a second, she turns the knob.
“Hunter?”
I straighten my stance, and she grins. “Just checking on you.”
“I heard you singing…” I watch her, gauging her reaction.
Heat hits her cheeks. “I’m sorry—”
“I’ve missed it,” I cut her off. I never want her to apologize for singing again. “It sounded perfect.”
I watch her blood pump hard in her neck, and she looks confused. “I thought you hated my singing.” She crosses her arms over her chest as she scowls at me.
“If I told you I liked it, do you really think you would’ve kept it up?” I chuckle, reminding her of our antics.
A smirk plays on her lips. “You have a point.”
She walks into the room and looks around the space that once belonged to her and Brandon, then sits on the bed next to me. “It was a lullaby my mother used to sing to us when we were kids. It’s a song called, ‘Baby Mine.’”
She carefully rests her hand on her stomach, and it fucking breaks me. I can actually see the tiniest bit of a bump there.
“Growing up, music was such an integral part of my childhood, and I want to share that with my baby. Music connects people in a special way, and it’s a way for us to bond.”
“Wow,” I whisper, the revelation as to why she’s singing again hits me. “Love like that…it’s powerful.”
She looks down at her ha
nds, and I see her fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say being vulnerable around me made her nervous. Not wanting it to grow awkward or for my last shred of willpower to snap, I stand and notice her yawning again.
“You should probably get some sleep.”
“You’re right. This baby wears me out, and I don’t even do anything.” She laughs at herself. “I can’t seem to catch up regardless of how many naps I take.” Lennon stands and walks past me, and the smell of her shampoo and soap takes over my inhibitions. I almost reach for her hand, pull her back, and kiss the fuck out of her, but instead, I ball my hand into a fist. Instead of following her, I decide to give her space because I need it as well. Just long enough to get a grip on reality.
After an hour of messing around in my room, I decide to try to sleep. I stare into the darkness for at least an hour when I hear Lennon’s quiet sobs in the other room. I thank the paper-thin walls for that.
I close my eyes tight, knowing I should let her be, but I can’t. I throw the blanket off and walk into the hallway, then stand outside her door and listen. I shouldn’t knock on the door. I should give her privacy. I need to go back into my room and leave her be. Instead of doing those things, though, I go against all my senses and slowly open the door.
“You okay?” I ask softly.
“No,” she whispers, curled up into a ball facing away from the door. “I just need to be held,” she answers truthfully.
Fuck me.
Regardless of what my head says, I follow my heart and go to her. To hell with it. I can’t let her cry in here all alone. I push the sheet back and slide under it. Feeling how cold her skin is, I wrap my arm over her petite frame and pull her body to mine.
I squeeze my eyes tight, trying to hide my truths from her. Even though I want to say so many words at this moment, I allow the silence to speak. Regardless of how much this fucking hurts, how much I’m beating myself up inside, I’ll do anything to comfort her and to help her heal, even if it means I’m destroyed in the process. Lennon’s quiet sobs diminish, and I know she’s finally asleep by how her breathing changes.