by O. E. Boroni
A few seconds passed.
“Do you think I should?”
“Well, I don’t know,” she said. “You are pretty close to him, aren’t you? Cousins even.”
The way she said “cousins” sounded like she was mocking me, but I ignored it to glance back at them again. There was no doubt that I wanted to go over just so I could confirm that we were okay, but I was scared of what I would see in his reaction.
What if we actually weren’t okay? I found myself thinking. And that somehow in the last week, he had managed to outgrow me.
Almost immediately, I cringed at how pathetic the thought was because even if he had, so what? It’d be easy for me to do the same. So with my heart in my throat, I threw all caution to the wind and headed over.
Nathan didn't see me, or at least he pretended not to until I reached him and he was forced to look up. I needed his acknowledgment before I could turn to the girl, but when he raised his eyes to mine and I saw nothing, I knew instantly that me coming over had been a terrible decision. It was official; I had been tossed into the crowd of unwanted females.
"Hey," he said in his usual cool voice, but it was devoid of the affection that I had grown accustomed to. The difference was dazing, and it felt like I was talking to a stranger.
"Hi," I responded, the word coming out sounding like a question. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for, but his narrowed gaze eventually forced me to explain myself. I said the first thing that came to mind, "My test results came back."
He nodded. "Okay."
"I got a B." I added, feeling more stupid as the seconds passed, but I still managed a smile. He on the other hand just stared at me, until I was forced to turn and acknowledge the other girl.
"Hi," she greeted, with what looked like a genuine smile, but I couldn't even bring myself to respond.
I nodded at her and then with a frown, I looked back at him. "I’ll see you around,” I told him, and then I walked away without even waiting for a reply. By then, I didn’t even expect one.
“How was it?” Elisa asked as I met up with her, two steaming cups of tea, and a brown paper bag between her teeth. Shrugging, I thanked her as I took the bag from her, and walked out of the cafeteria. She followed closely behind.
*
Elisa came over to my room just before dinner and by then, I was so strung out from turning over the cafeteria incident continuously in my mind that I needed to talk to someone before I completely lost it. I left out the details and just glossed over my concern at his distance.
She listened, and afterwards asked if I was bothered that he had been talking to someone else instead of me. I wasn't about to admit what I knew was a very big part of the truth, so I just brushed her suggestion away and reminded her that we were cousins, so I couldn't be jealous of that. She gave me a leery look that showed she didn't buy the whole relation thing anymore, but I ignored it.
She asked me if I didn't think I was overreacting, and although I denied it immediately, I went back to consider it. I had to believe that I was because there was no other reasonable explanation for my distress.
Maybe Marilyn was a classmate of his and they just happened to meet at the table. Maybe he had a lot on his mind so he was too distracted to pay me any mind. But that was part of the problem, because I would never have been too distracted to pay him the attention I believed he deserved from me.
I cared too much and it was a problem, but despite this, I went early to dinner that evening hoping to catch him. He was at his usual table with James and to an extent that relieved me, because at least he wasn’t missing meals like he had been the previous week. I snuck peeks at him throughout the entire dinner hoping he would turn to seek me out, but when I never caught his stare, I completely lost my appetite.
It was only when Elisa kicked me beneath the table and asked me if I had a death wish, that I realized that I had been outright staring at him, my emotions completely bared on my face. I straightened and continued moving my food around.
“Do you think I should go over to say hi?” I asked Elisa.
She looked up from her plate.
“No, I don’t think so,” she said, almost sarcastically.
“But why?” I argued. “Last week I was able to do that.”
“That was last week, and you know why.” Then she looked to his table. “It doesn’t even matter now because he’s leaving.”
“What?”
She was right, and after he left, I turned back to her.
“He didn’t even look for me,” I said. She didn’t know how to respond.
*
The week passed much too slowly and by the end of it, I felt like a mess. Thrice more I had seen him in the dining hall – once more with Marilyn and the rest with James. So when I had woken up on Saturday with the urge to cry, I had finally realized that my infatuation had gone too far. My resolve was to completely toss him out of my mind, so I started working at it.
When lunch time came on Monday, instead of going out to the courtyard like I would have if I’d expected to see him, I went up to the library to continue the reading rituals in my secluded corner- a routine that I’d almost forsaken. Elisa had said she’d stop by before lunch ended so when I felt someone approaching, I expected to see her. But instead, I looked up to see Nathan walking towards me.
I was transfixed in surprise as I watched him approach, and could do nothing but stare until he came to stand right in front of my table. My heart was hammering away in my chest.
“Hey,” he greeted, but I was too stunned to respond. I eventually took my eyes away from him, and calmly returned to my novel.
I could no longer see the words, but it didn’t matter. I kept my eyes on the pages because at that moment, I had nothing to say, and it was surprising. The previous week, I could have written a book on the insults I’d have loved to throw at him. Seeing him now, I was speechless and nervous. My hands were beginning to tremble.
“Aren’t you going to reply me?” he asked.
I turned a page and said, “Please go away.” I was astonished at how steady I sounded when my insides were frying in turmoil.
Pulling out a seat from the opposite side of the table, he placed it in front of me and sat down. I still refused to acknowledge his presence until he took hold of the sides of my chair, and turned it so that I faced him.
“Nathan...” I complained, and had a frown waiting for him as soon as he refocused his gaze on me. I stared at him; the brilliance of his beautiful blue eyes and the way his hair, now longer than I’d ever seen it fell in thick dark brown waves, past his ear and to just below the edge of his collar. Despite my awe at seeing him this way again, the hurt and anger over his neglect for the past week rose up to overthrow my delight at his presence.
“What’s this?” I asked. “You ignore me for weeks and now all of a sudden you show up?”
“I didn’t ignore you.”
“Really? Okay.”
I started to turn away but he held me still with his hand on my arm, and urged my gaze to return to his.
“Nora,” he said, but I brushed his hand away.
“Just leave me alone,” I said half-heartedly, but inwardly, I screamed at him not to listen to me. I wished he would notice the pain in my eyes without me having to say anything, because I had missed him.
Suddenly he leaned forward, and the next thing I knew he had slanted his head to take my mouth in a soft, but ardent kiss. My eyes flew open as soon as I tasted him, and reflexively, I pulled myself away from him.
He refused to give me a moment to recover, so sliding his hand around my neck, he brought my head closer to his and kissed me again.
“Nathan,” I breathed, stunned at the thrill that shot through my body. Liquid fire began to burn low in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t move, and when I closed my eyes again for another kiss, my lips trembled as his met mine.
It started as a slow caress, and each time his lips graced mine, I fought to savor the taste before I let go.
Then I felt his fingers under my chin to hold it in place just before he slanted his head again, but this time, kissed me deeply.
It enraged the fire inside of me, making me almost fall out of my chair, but without stopping, he reached out to steady me. Then with one hand around my waist, he pulled me up and led me to the wall. My legs had turned to rubber so I leaned against it, partly conscious of what I was doing. Then I lifted up on tiptoes to reach his mouth again.
I could feel his smile as he bent his head to meet mine, and kissed me again. The feel of his body pressed against mine was driving me insane, and as I gripped the lapels of his blazer to bring him closer to me, I could not believe that this was happening.
I was actually kissing Nathan, not the senseless peck he had given to Kate, but a full, mind blowing kiss that was sucking all the life out of me.
I couldn’t get enough of him, and as the fire found its way to my brain, I threw my hands around his neck to bring him even closer. He widened his legs and with a palm flattened on the wall behind my head, pushed against me to do the same.
“Ahem,” I heard someone clear their throat from a distance, but I didn’t care. Nathan on the other hand was more alert. He turned to see who it was and then let me go, his breathing as ragged as mine. Thankfully, it wasn’t the librarian standing there but Elisa, wide-eyed and cheeks flushed a bright crimson. She looked amused.
I turned back to him and watched as he ran a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath to help calm himself before turning to face her. His cool mask was now back on and once again, he was in control. I, on the other hand, was barely managing to stand still.
“Elisa,” he said with a small smile, and her cheeks turned brighter. He then turned to me, gave a small nod and walked away.
We both stared at him as he left until Elisa turned to look at me, her eyes still round with surprise.
“What was that?” she asked, sounding every bit as dazed as I felt, but I couldn’t respond. After a few minutes of mindless staring and deep, heavy breaths, I was finally able to remain upright without the help of the wall. She came closer as I started to slowly gather my things and said, “Isn’t there a curse attached to kissing relatives?”
I shot her a fiery look, but she wasn’t deterred. She went on, a little too excited. “I knew it! I knew that you guys weren’t related. That whole cousin stuff was just plain rubbish, and God, that kiss …”
“If you don’t shut up I’m going to hit you,” I threatened her, but she ignored me and leaned against the table seemingly enraptured in a dreamy state. She straightened when she saw that I had collected my bag and was walking past her.
“You have to tell me all about it,” she said as she hurried after me, but I just closed my eyes and ignored her. Her squeal haunted me.
*
For the rest of the afternoon, my classes passed more quickly than I would have ever thought possible. Through the entire four hours my mind had remained on the kiss, and why in hell I had allowed it.
With the current issues we already had between us, this was the last thing we needed. It was now another reason to wonder where we even stood with each other. We were supposed to be just friends, but after today, that obviously didn’t make any sense, as well as the ‘cousin’ story which Elisa now knew wasn’t true.
The question now was where we were going to go from here.
Would we return back to how we were initially, go somewhere else or just remain situational strangers?
I grew more confused as each moment passed, and by the end of the day I was more than ready to return to the hall. I was exhausted and tired of thinking, so as I laid on my bed still unable to stop, I decided to write it all in my journal.
It would hopefully help me carve some sense out of the entire episode and probably make for excellent memories even if it all went downhill from here because one thing was for sure – I did not want to forget what had happened today.
Retrieving my brown journal from my wardrobe, I flipped it open to the first page. It was practically empty except for some very brief and indiscernible notes. And of course my mother’s signature scribbled boldly across the first page.
I recalled the day I had bought it and how she had teased me about the cover.
“It’s so boring,” she’d said, and she offered to get me a new one. Something that would undoubtedly have looked more like it belonged to a girl, with glitters and bright colors, but I’d refused.
In the end she’d accepted my resolve for it to be plain, but had insisted that her signature across it would give it the glamorous touch that it needed, and she’d been right.
I miss you… I thought, as I ran my fingers across the scribble that seemed to bring the journal to life. I probably would have told her about Nathan, and she’d have known exactly what to do, but now I had to figure it out on my own.
Maybe she’d have wanted me to not overthink the entire situation like I currently was, but I couldn’t help it. Some people still had enough room to stomach the pain of getting hurt but over the last three years, I’d been through too much to be careless.
Nevertheless I wanted to remember the memories, clearly and vividly, so I started writing from the kiss in the library and how it all connected – or didn’t – with everything else that had happened since I had met him.
Ten pages later, I was still going when someone knocked on my door. Unhappy at the interruption, I pushed the journal under my pillow and told the person to come in. Elisa walked in, her curly hair pulled back in a tight ponytail.
"Matthew and I made up today,” she said, and came to sit on the edge of my bed. I was happy for her and told her so.
"He approached me during lunch and we talked, and he apologized. What do you think?"
"That’s good. Hopefully he doesn't repeat the same mistakes this time."
“Hopefully,” she said.
"What about you and Nathan?”
I scowled at her.
"There is no ‘me and Nathan’,” I countered. "We’re just–”
"Cousins?" she interrupted with a smirk.
I rolled my eyes.
"We’re friends. I just told people that to get them to back off."
"I understand. If I had someone like that in love with me, I'd do anything to get them to back off."
I glared at her like she was crazy. It seemed like she was deliberately trying to misunderstand me.
“I wasn’t trying to get anybody to back off from him, I meant me. My life was starting to get too complicated.”
“Oh,” she said and smiled sheepishly. “But still …”
“But nothing. We’re friends. There's no love involved, anywhere."
"Right," she replied disbelievingly.
"I'm serious Elisa."
"I didn’t say you weren’t.”
I sighed. “First of all, love isn’t even on the table here. Ask me about that when I’m in my late twenties and have a lot more sense. Secondly, if at all there would be anything, it would be a ‘like’, and nothing more.”
“A very strong like,” she added, and I frowned at her. “Excuse me, but have you watched yourselves when you’re both together?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know how to explain it, but I can remember how I’ve felt watching the both of you. Jealous almost, and then I wasn’t sure why because you were related, so of course there would be a sort of familiarity and fondness present. But with the both of you it was just... more and I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. I got my answer today.”
I was silent as I pondered her words, then I decided to share something with her. “I’m not sure I want to have anything more with him,” I said.
“Why?” she asked.
“Honestly, because I’m scared. He’s too unpredictable, and I can never quite guess what’s going on in his mind or what he’s about to do.”
“But he cares about you.”
“Elisa, even that I’m sometimes not certa
in of, but yes, I think he does. In his own weird way.”
“Well, it’s a start. But, do you ever think he might just be messing with you?”
A little fear crept into my heart. “Where’s that coming from?”
"The fact that he’s a guy … and these things don't mean as much to them as they do to us."
I looked away. That had never crossed my mind and I didn’t like how I felt about it.
"Anyway I have to go, I'm meeting Matthew before dinner," she said. “By the way, was that your first kiss?”
For some reason I was more amused than shy as I replied her. “It was.”
“Well, you’re one of the lucky few. At least it wasn’t a mess.”
“No comment.”
“Don’t worry you don’t need to comment. I was there so I’ll always be able to remind you that you were still disorientated even after he’d left.”
“Go away,” I groaned, and she laughed as she walked away.
I brought my journal out from under my pillow and went through my entries again. I read through everything, reminiscing through the accounts I’d written down so far. When Elisa’s comment began to echo in my head, I closed the book and took a moment to consider it.
Could it even be possible that he was actually playing with me? For all I knew Nathan might’ve been doing and saying things behind my back that I wasn't aware of. I wondered why it had never crossed my mind before. Maybe it was because of who he was – he just seemed too mature to act so shady. But then again, I didn't know him. All I knew was the person he’d wanted me to see.
Nevertheless, I felt drugged; the emotions and images of our rendezvous in the library still overwhelming me. I knew I still had to make sure that I kept myself under control, so I wouldn’t fall for him, but falling in love didn't just happen overnight. I still had time.
« CHAPTER 17 »
Nathan was at dinner later that evening, and as soon as I got in and saw him, I didn’t know what to expect. But halfway through the meal, I knew- because although he had kissed me in the library like I had mattered to him, right here and in the presence of all, a mere glance was too expensive to spare.