by Sanchit Garg
“Getting all these items and that too 7 of each won’t be easy Mother, but I would get to the task wholeheartedly. I would never let anything harmful happen to my sister. But the problem that remains now is how to reach out to Purnima and do this task. It would seem suspicious, wouldn’t it?”
“No, It won’t! Don’t question a woman’s quirkiness and that too of a mother. I know more about this world than you small children. I would reach out to her and tell her that this is to make sure that the baby is born healthy, that it would ward off all evil eyes. She won’t question me.”
I laughed, “Mother, you are brilliant. Why didn’t I get your brain? Father gave me all the bad qualities!”
She scolded me, “No! Your father is good. You just need to get more experience in life. Once you reach my age, you will make more rational decisions.”
With a duck face, I replied, “Maybe.”
“You would. Don’t question me.”
“Yes, Mother! I would be better. At least, I will try to from now onwards.”
I heard a ticking sound by the room's door and stopped in my talk. I stood up to check who was there, only to find out it was Nandana. I didn’t ask her what she was doing there because it already felt like she heard everything. Her face was so innocent that most of the time, I could always know what she was undergoing. Without staring at her further, I just walked towards my room. Deep in my mind, I wanted her to question me, to just talk to me, but she never did. And, how could I ever force her to do something which she never wanted to do? That’s what my love for her was.
The next day, I went to the market. I was looking for something to buy for Nandana. I knew she loved crockery, but anything usual wouldn’t help. I needed something that she didn’t have. As I was going through the shops, one of them caught my eye- ‘Imported Glassware and Crockery’.
Imported! The moment I heard this word, I knew this was the right place. I went in and asked for the best they could offer me. But still, I needed something that she didn’t have, imported or not. What to get now - Tea set, glasses, spoons, plates, saucers, cup, umm…. This is so confusing! As I was pondering and looking around the shop, a colourful blue pan kindled my eyes.
“Sir, do you have pans of colours other than this?”
“Yes, we do. We have every colour available.”
“Then, please pack pans of colour - orange, blue and green.”
“Sure, Sir. As you wish.”
Taking them back home, together with the stuff my mother requested me, there was an unusual smile on my face thinking of how happy she would be seeing them.
I entered home, and after handing my mother the stuff she requested me, I went to search for Nandana. She was in the kitchen arranging the utensils.
I called out to her, “Nandana! I have got something for you.”
She didn’t look or reply to me.
With a gloomy face, “Okay! I would leave it on the dining table. Kindly check it when you have time.”
Saying this, I moved out of the kitchen.
Night came, and I went to check in the dining room, but the package was still packed. She didn’t even try to open it. Seeing this, I got angry, and then the next moment, the anger went away, as usual, knowing how could I expect her to behave as I want. She was not a puppet. I was going out and working, which made me forget most of the pain. But for her, she was in the house 24*7. Every day, it’s the same for her. How can I expect anything from her knowing she is engrossed in her feelings all the time?
I went into our room and looked at her for a bit, marvelling at her cuteness, just like a child’s and then went to sleep.
Innocence shows on the face of people who have forever been pure at heart, and she was one such gem.
The next night, I finally took up the courage to talk to her. She was sitting on the bed with her legs down on the floor and face facing towards the wall in front of her. I walked towards her and stopped in front of her. I went down on my knees, still looking down. I just couldn’t bring up the guts to look her in the eyes and say something, anything. I just couldn’t. Well, my kids got killed because of me and glancing at her, I felt like the worst person to ever be born. Even words weren’t enough to express what I did. I knew she would never love me like she did before. She would never smile at me again. She would never tease me or be a part of my jokes. Everything that happened was too much to handle, but even death would be better than what I felt. I just wanted her to beat me to death. I knew she never would because she has been the perfect person ever. I couldn’t find any faults in her at all since our marriage of 7 years. For an imperfect person like me, she was the best thing that could ever happen to me.
I could bear myself, dying inside every day, but I couldn’t see her hurt anymore. I finally decided to look up at her face and into her eyes. She was still looking at the wall in front of her. Seeing her lifeless eyes, I just couldn’t bear it and threw it all away by crying it out.
Hearkening me cry, she turned her head a little down and her eyes focused on me. She didn’t do anything else apart from that.
I started, “Do you know what I want more than anything else right now? To see you smile, a little at least, not for me, but, for yourself. I can’t see you like this and keep on living. This is too much to take in. Please talk to me. If not to me, at least to Mother. I know everything happened way too fast, and I should have died, but I didn’t; instead, the most precious things in our life, our kids, disappeared. I am not trying to ask you to forgive me. I am not, and I never could.
It’s just that I can’t stop loving you no matter what happens and I don’t care what you think of me. But why is living so hard now? Just what can I do to make you, your usual self? Please tell me anything, anything at all that I can do for you? Sorry for my selfishness in this, in wanting you to be happy so that it can ease out my heart into knowing that my crime is not that serious."
She kept on listening to me and looking at the wall behind me.
I just couldn’t touch her hands or face and ask for forgiveness. It was time I went down with my head on her feet and plead to her to be a little happy.
She quickly removed her feet and replied in an angry voice, “Never do this again, ever.”
“But….”
She pulled her legs up, laid down on the bed and went straight away to sleep without saying anything further.
I brought my head back up and kept on staring at her. I didn’t know what she was feeling - hurt, anger, sadness, remorse, revenge, guilt, helplessness, or what it was. I thought I knew, but I didn’t. I was a mix of emotions, and everything was confusing to me.
I walked to the other side of the bed, laid down and tried to go to sleep. But I couldn’t. All these emotions inside my head kept on repeating, as usual. I tried to suspire. I thought of good things to switch my mind, but it was not helping. I kept on lying down for don’t know how long. Maybe an hour passed or two. I didn’t know. I just kept on lying down with my eyes closed. Somewhere in all those thoughts, I finally went to sleep.
I was in the same dream, running and sweating but it was a bit different this time. I saw someone sitting ahead on a wooden plank like a chair, in the path ahead of me. I wasn’t able to stop myself at this point, so I tried to turn my face towards her direction, so the moment I passed in front of the person, I could get a better vision.
And it happened, I passed by her, and my eyes and mind just went blank for a second or two.
No! Please no! Why God? Why do you do this to me?
It was Nandana. She was sitting alone on the chair with her head a bit down and weeping like hell.
Why bring her into this too? Wasn’t it enough for her to receive the pain that I gave her? Why don’t I just die and then everything can turn out to be better?
I kept on running, my neck pained due to continually looking towards her direction even when I came a bit far from her.
She was turning blurry to my eyes, but then something happened. She fell from the ch
air and laid flat on the ground. I called out to her. But nothing happened. She laid dead there. I tried to stop myself as hard as I could, but I just wasn’t able to. Tears rolled down my eyes as I kept on pleading to God to please save her and take my life instead. I kept forcing my body to do as I bid, but all it resulted in was waking me up from the dream in lassitude.
I turned my neck to look towards her, but it was dark, and I just couldn’t reach out to her. So, I went back to sleep, knowing that it was just a dream. It had to be. It was scary the first few times I saw it. But now it felt normal. It had already become a part of my daily life.
aking up in the morning, I didn’t tell the dream to my mother as I felt she was impatient and more than anything I wanted Nandana to take her time, and other people not telling her what to do or what not to do. Maybe I was selfish and thinking with only one viewpoint, mine, but it felt okay to me at that moment. And after the temple scene, even though I loved my mother more than my father, it just felt not okay. Nandana had never been broken before. Mainly I was not able to make up what was right or what was wrong.
After breakfast, I went to work as usual with my father and Mohan. At around 2 in the evening, I asked my father that I would like to check up on Purnima and see if she needs something. I was still scared of my recurring dreams, and there was still a doubt in my head as to whether the recipe by the Pandit would work or not, to ward off the evil presence. But my mother was absolutely confident that it would work one hundred per cent. Still, I needed to try everything from my end. I couldn’t keep on neglecting my duties. I was never a good father. I was never a good husband, but now, I didn’t want to be a bad brother and hopefully a bad uncle too.
My father replied in an irritated tone, “No! You stay here! Just when you are about to get the hang of the work, you want a day off. This won’t happen. Your mother is going to her daily, so you are not required to be there, only in here.”
“But Father, Mother can’t do everything on her own. A man is required to do the hard stuff.”
“Is it? Okay! Then I would go, as I am the only man here. You keep working, boys. I will meet you at home in the evening.”
With a smirk on his face, he went away, and I was left with a duck face. I couldn’t backtalk to him as he was the boss of the house. No one at home would dare to have fun in front of him or joke with him.
He was like a serious person, always pretending like he was the best and that he knew everything. But, he had a lovely side to him too in the way he took care of everyone without letting them feel or know, but his seriousness and strictness broke all those thoughts at times. Still, I loved him the same, but there went my plan to check on Purnima. Maybe, I can go after finishing work here.
No! That is not possible as Mohan would follow me home, and once I enter the house; it would be next to impossible to go out again without answering a lot of questions. I thought that it would be better if I could go check on her tomorrow.
The next day after waking up, I planned ahead. I needed to come up with a pretence to avoid work today. Something that could give me at least an hour or more of time to carry out my plans. So, I started my pretending business.
At the dining table, I showed that I was unable to open my eyes and slightly moved my neck, to and fro to the front and the back as if in need of some sleep.
My mother inquired, “Are you okay, Rameshwar?”
I smiled a little inside, “No, Mother! I don’t think so. I couldn’t get a good sleep last night. I think my head is spinning. It feels like it would rupture at any moment.”
She was startled, “Ohh! You take some sleep, then.”
My father cut in between, “It nothing. It needs you to work and earn money. Reach the shop, and it would all be okay.”
I responded helplessly, “But father, I won’t be able to work in this condition.”
“It’s only because you are not working that you are feeling like this.”
Mother bemoaned, “Leave him be. He will sleep for some time and then I will send him to you for work, before lunchtime.”
He smirked, “Okay! If you say so. But keep an eye on him. I think he only wants to bunk from work.”
I turned my face down, pretending to be dizzy.
“Yes, I would. You don’t need to worry at all. He will be there at exactly 2 pm.”
As per the plan, I now had to fool my mother by going to sleep and later when no one was looking pass away to my sister’s home.
“Thank you, Mother! I think I would go into my room for some sleep.”
My father and Mohan went to work, and I was about to walk away towards my room when Mother called out to me.
“Just wait a second!”
I was shocked, “What happened?”
“I know you were acting. Do you think you could fool your mother?”
Oh No! Why is she so smart?
“But then, why didn't you tell Father that I was okay and just feigning it.”
“I know you well enough child to get that you wouldn’t make an excuse for anything. Don’t think that you got this old on your own.”
I replied with a faint smile, Yes, mother! How could I.”
She probed, “So, tell me, what is it?”
“Actually, I was concerned about Purnima and wanted to go to her place and take a look. Yesterday at work, when I tried to, Father pushed me away.”
“But I am going to her place every day. You don’t need to go anywhere. She is fine.”
With a gloomy face, I asked her, “But I need to verify for myself. Is it wrong for me to do that? Am I not her brother? Haven’t I got this enough right to do that?”
She grinned, “Yes, you do. Okay! You can go check on her. Don’t feel sad or think otherwise. But go back to your father at 2 pm straight or else he would kill me after killing you.”
“Mother! Now, you too. Yes, I will reach out to Father at 2. I fear him enough to do that. Okay! I am going now.”
She pointed towards the dining table, “Wait! Take those fruits for your sister that your father brought yesterday.”
I exclaimed, “Yes!”
I picked the fruits from the dining table and walked out of our house towards the direction of Purnima's house. I reached her home as quickly as I could. The idea of getting beaten up by my father was still in my head. Before going inside her house, I looked towards the area adjacent to the gate where the blood hand mark was there. Okay, just 2 hand marks are here, as usual. I was just about to enter when something clicked inside my head. Two hand marks? How is this possible? The last time I checked in here, only one handprint was there.
Just what is going on? Who is making these, and what does it even mean? Can someone please say something? Why two now? Can we ever live in tranquillity?
With my mind engrossed in all these questions, I walked inside from the main gate and reached the front gate. I knocked on it to call for Purnima, and after waiting for what felt like some 5 minutes, she came to open the door. There was hardly a month or two left for her delivery, so I expected this to happen with her husband having no parents or close relatives.
I greeted her with a smile, and she smiled back.
She scoffed, “What! You are alone! Why don’t you bring Nandana with you ever? Did you have a fight with her?”
I giggled, “No! It’s nothing. She just doesn’t feel good going out of home these days. I think after some time she would start liking this place too.”
She smirked, “Okay! If that’s the case, But, if you fought with her and made her unhappy, I would complain to Father about it.
I appealed, “No! Please! Not to Father. I know he loves you more than the rest of us and he wouldn’t think otherwise if it came from you. I would never fight with her and would never think of doing so in the future. It's a promise.”
She gave me a side glance, “Okay! If you say so. I would believe you for now. Come in! What are you waiting for at the door?”
I scorned her, “Nothing! You didn’t call m
e inside and just started asking questions.”
“You are saying this is my fault too. Like you are a guest.”
“Okay! Leave it. I can’t win against you. A big brother who can’t win from his small sister. Let’s go inside.”
I didn’t bring up the hands issue with her as right now all she needed was both mental and physical peace, rest and full-time care. I just couldn’t create a suspicion in her mind and fear affecting her or the baby.
If someone asked me, I would say she was like a second mother to me. Sometimes, even more so than my own mother. That’s how much she loved me, and I feared the day when she would learn what had happened in my life. It would be disturbing for her, unlike anything else. Even, the thought of this was killing me, the real thing would be devastating.
My father had suggested my mother to stay at Purnima's place until she delivered the baby, but looking at Nandana’s condition, she refused to do his bidding. So, even when Mother visits her for like most of the day time, it was just not enough. It must be tough for Purnima to keep doing things alone most of the time, considering a pregnant lady requires 24*7 care. But her husband is supportive and doing a good enough job to give her as much time and care as possible. There are only a few men like him in this world.
Proceeding inside, I placed the fruits on the coffee table and went to sit on the sofa.
“Would you like some water?”
“No!”
Well! I wanted to, but I didn’t want to make a pregnant lady work too much.
She scoffed, “Okay! If you want to, just go to the kitchen and grab one. And while you are at it, grab one for me too.”
What the hell! And here I was assuming she was thinking about me. She is just a slave trader. I hate her!
“What are you thinking? It was just a joke. I was teasing you. I don’t need water.”
Sometimes I doubted who was the older one. Me or She? I know it was me, but at times like these, I thought she was the older one.