by Sanchit Garg
This voice sounded familiar. Is it Nandana? Nah! It can’t be. It’s a ghost who is trying to pretend to be someone familiar with me, and when I trust it, it will destroy me. Maybe this is how they work. Pretend to be someone you love and then strike you at a moment when you are too comfortable.
She asked again, “Hey! What happened? Why did you faint on seeing me? And what were you doing awake so late?”
I deemed it was finally time that I got over my fears, opened my eyes and tried to see the whole picture.
I quickly opened my eyes, jolting my body to the front, and stood up. I was still at 180 degrees from the person’s front side with my back straight in front of her. I turned my body a little bit as to get a quick glimpse of her and turned back as fast as I could.
It was Nandana!
Maybe, my eyes were blurry, and I didn’t get a good look at it, and it could be someone else. She would be sleeping peacefully at this hour.
But, maybe the light woke her up.
She scorned, “Are you hiding something? Why aren’t you facing me? Say something.”
I was frightened. Should I reply to it or just keep silent? I don’t think answering would be a good idea. Who knows what might happen?
“Are you going to reply or not? Or should I wake the whole house up? You know I can do that too.”
In a scarred voice, I replied, “Oh No! Please! Don’t do anything like that. I will answer your question. But please, can I go get a glass of water. My throat is scarred and dry right now.”
“Okay! Sure! You wait here. I will go and get you one.”
“No! Please No! I would go get one for me. You don’t need to go anywhere. Also, I need to wash my eyes. They seem a bit blurry.”
If she goes, how can I get some time to think of an excuse? I can’t just allow her to.
She replied with a stone-cold face, “Okay! You go. But you need to come back fast. Else you know what I would do.”
I asserted, “Yes! I would. Don’t you believe me?”
“I believe in you. Just saunter. It’s too dark outside in the hall.”
I smirked, “Yes, I would.”
She’s such an idiot who doesn’t even know I just played her. Now, off I go to the kitchen to make up my mind to work and think of an excuse as to what I was doing in there.
As I was walking towards the kitchen, I could feel as if someone was watching me. So, I walked more slowly. Pressure was building up on me. What to do if Nandana keeps on putting an eye on me?
I reached the kitchen and put the lamp on the slab, I grabbed a glass of water and drank from it. Even though I was not thirsty, I thought it may be needed for future events. Maybe, none of this is happening, and all this is still a dream. Maybe, I am still lying on my bed, next to Nandana. But I need to do something. During the previous time at Purnima’s house, I just pinched myself and couldn’t wake up from the dream. This time, I would go one step ahead and cut myself somewhere. It won’t be too painful.
I grabbed a knife and placed its sharp end towards my palm, trying to cut it.
Oh, No! I can’t do this. This is so scary. Maybe if I turn my eyes sideways, I can do this.
I tried to put pressure on the knife to make a cut, but it wasn’t enough. I was scared as to what if I cut it a lot more than necessary, and after that, I am unable to stop the bleeding. So, this won’t work. I thought I would just pin-touch it on one of my fingers. But which finger should I choose? I require them all. I just can’t sacrifice anyone.
I thought for some time and finally decided to pick the pinky finger.
I brought the pointed tip of the knife on the top of the pinky finger and placed pressure on it, little by little. So, here goes nothing. I was trying to move my mind to something else to divert myself from the pain. So, I thought of what to do next. Maybe, it is not a dream, but reality itself and I was all wrong this time. Because otherwise, I would have been dead by now. In all this thinking, I had cut my pinky finger deep enough to drop more than enough blood, and now it pained worse. But the pain subsided on the thought that it was not a dream.
I put my pinky finger in my mouth to suck the extra blood coming out. As no blood was lost, no blood gained thing. So, there was no cut at all. I laughed internally.
queak! Squeak! I heard some sound from the direction of my room. What if it's a deadly mouse? I should check it. But for that, I need to walk towards my room in a way that I am not found out by her. I turned the lamp’s brightness down so that I was just partially visible and silently walked towards my room.
Reaching my room, I entered it cautiously with a sudden fear cropping up in me. The bed was hardly visible, so I brought the lamp close enough to it, and I couldn’t believe my eyes.
There she was, Nandana was sleeping on the bed, and instead of being happy to see her like that, I panicked, and the fear came in and destroyed all the happiness. So much fear was cropping up in me that I could just explode at any moment. If she is here, so the other Nandana, well, she is someone else. She can’t be in two places, can she? I just couldn’t make sense of what was going on, If Nandana came to me in that room, who was she that looked just like her? This was definitely Nandana. So, cute as usual. Sleeping just like a baby.
I knew something was wrong. Like, how could she be awake at this hour? It’s almost impossible, and now it had been confirmed. That person is not Nandana, but someone else. But she doesn’t have any twin sister, neither have I ever seen someone who looked just like her and that too, almost hundred per cent similar. That is not possible. She’s positively a ghost. But, what does the ghost want from me and why the hell did it take the appearance of Nandana? Maybe, it knows that I love her a lot and I would speak out the truth of whatever I was doing if it did that. But why does the ghost care about what I am doing? Do ghosts have insecurities too? Am I really at a point where I can make a difference to what is going on?
This is something unusual. It’s like I can never understand what goes in the mind of a ghost. I think it only has one thing in on mind and that is to kill people unnecessarily for something that they didn’t even do. I can’t stress much on this thing. It is beyond my mind’s capacity or anyone’s capacity for that matter. Right now, I need to focus on what to do and how to save everyone from this ghost. So, I need to get back to that room, and to the ghost. Also, as it didn’t kill me till now, it’s definitely, waiting for some answers and what I plan to do with those books. So, I need to be extra careful from now onwards.
I started walking back to the other room where the ghost, pretending to be Nandana was. All the while, forcing my mind to think of some idea to save myself from this situation. Hell! I didn’t even know what challenge I was up for. For all I knew, I could die today, or something terrible may befall. But, I was all out of ideas. There was so much pressure.
Previously, I had at a bit of ease that it was no-one else but Nandana herself. But now, I knew it was something else. But what it was and what it wanted from me, that was the whole mess.
By the time I reached the other room, I hadn’t thought of anything worth a shot. So, with sweat on my head in a cold month, I peeked inside the room from the gate’s side. I could see Nandana…No, the ghost looking straight towards the gate. Like, how eager it must be to know what I was doing.
I walked inside the room. At this point, I was like, staring at her ghost instead of moving my sight away from it. Well, I was trying to find something that would differentiate it from Nandana. I looked around the room again, and it was my luck that the bedsheet which I used to cover my body with, to hide the lamp’s light was now flawlessly hiding the book. So, there was a plausibility that the ghost didn’t know about the book as of now. Maybe I can use that to my advantage.
The ghost finally saw me.
“Hey! It took you a long time just to get back. Is there something wrong?”
“Wait! Wait! I was just tired and sleepy. I still am, so, can we just go to bed and discuss it first thing in the morning?
With an angry
expression on her face, she yelled, “I want an explanation and that too right now or else, you know what would happen in here.”
This is just like how someone, not her, would respond. She isn’t even giving me a breathing chance and straight away went to her question. This she ghost is deadly. Please leave me alone and go harm someone else. I don’t even know what you want.
But, this is getting more serious, and it looks like I just can’t make a fool of her. Why god, why do this to me? Haven’t I gone through enough already?
What would happen here? Ohh! She would shout and wake up the whole house. But she’s a ghost and is lying. So, she would probably subject me and everyone else to a fate worse than hell, would she? Well, my dreams are a living hell too.
I begged, “Okay! Wait! I am telling you. Just let me catch my breath. I came running back from the kitchen to here.”
“Why does it look like you are hiding something? Don’t you love me?”
I lied to her, “What are you saying? I only loved my kids more than anyone else, even you, and now they are dead because of someone or something. I don't love you that much.”
I loved Nandana more than I loved my kids. Because in the end, everyone would leave us at one point and I had made a promise to myself that when she dies, I die, no if’s, no but’s.
She complained, “What? I am hurt. Yes, I loved them too, but I thought you loved me more. Okay! Leave that. Just tell me what were you doing so late.”
I groaned, “Well! As I told you before. I woke up in the middle of the night. I tried to go back to sleep, but I just couldn’t. My mind was too restless with what happened to us that day, and I just couldn’t bring it out of it. I haven’t been able to get my mind on anything else, but just that. Every day I get the same dream, every day I experience the same feelings, every day it feels like that I should just die and every day I just want everything to go back to normal and how it used to be, but I just can’t. Sometimes, I just want everything to be just a dream, but it isn’t. Life is not that good to gift me with the best. It feels like every day, it just wants to challenge me. Am I the only one who is going through this stuff or it’s the same with everyone else? There is so much confusion, and no one is there to help at all. Just no one. Not even you can help me with this. Just like I couldn’t help you at all in the periods of your depression. So, please keep hating me. I don’t deserve your love. I don’t deserve anything. Living every day is just like passing through the pits of hell or something like that. There is just no peace at all. No peace.”
Making her hand pass above my head in a patting fashion, “Hey! Hey! Calm down. Don’t think so much. I am here with you. Nothing bad is going to happen again, and that’s why I am here.”
I nodded.
She smirked, “So, that’s why I want you to tell me everything. Any secrets that you have, whatever you know or have done till now. Tell me everything. I assure you that I would sort it out.”
She wants me to tell her everything. Just, why did this ghost come out to me? Please, leave me, you devil! What did I do to deserve this? What did my family and especially Nandana do to deserve this? Please leave her alone out of this. Please don’t make her life stressful. There’s already a lot on her mind and you doing this means you just want to destroy everything precious that I have. Also, if this were Nandana, she would have already found out what I was hiding. She’s so smart and intelligent with a keen eye for detail. The bedsheet would have been the link to everything and below it the book. So, this is not Nandana, but someone pretending to be her. This ghost could mimic her body, it could mimic her voice, it could mimic her memories, and it could even mimic her nature, but it just can’t mimic her thought process. She’s unique, one-of-a-kind and no one can compare to her, just no one.
As of this moment, I just wanted to stab this ghost in the stomach and save my family, but this was still Nandana right now, I can’t even match my eyes up to her. So, how can I do such a big task, it’s almost impossible. Even if it’s a ghost, I will give my life away if it meant saving both the real and fake ones. But, me dying, would it make a difference. Nandana would be left alone. But at least she could move on and marry someone else; as if she would, as if I would. So, how can I disparage her and think she would ever do this? She loves me a lot too, and I know that. It’s just that she never displays her feelings much. Always thinking in her head. Never letting it out. I know her better than anyone else, or I hope that I do understand her that much. But I don’t know. Just like I didn’t understand her completely, she may or may not understand me, completely.
Sometimes, I just don’t know what to do with her. Seeing her, harking to her voice, my mind gets fuzzy. It’s just that her eyes, they are so innocent, that I can just immerse myself in them. How can someone have such eyes? They just shouldn’t have them. They are so deep and meaningful, it’s like they talk on their own. One gaze into them, and I just forget every worry that I have in my mind. I want to help her, protect her from this harsh world and keep on doing that for the rest of my life. But that doesn’t mean that I want to keep her locked, why would I? She is free to do anything she wants, but if ever it turns out that she is going to do something that could have severe implications on her life, I would want to stop her from doing that. Even the thought of that just destroys me from within.
I can never forgive this ghost for taking her appearance, but like what did I even do, when I had that heart-breaking dream of her in that broken situation. I was so helpless that I blamed my existence and blamed fate for making me marry her. If she had never married me, she would have been living peacefully somewhere with someone else, with perfect kids who were still alive and what-not. But No! God had to bring her to me and destroy her life. Well! That means that I am the happiest person, but I don’t know what it is for her. She was so pleased, and now I can’t even make out how she is feeling from her eyes. They are so dry, so expressionless. There is just nothing in them these days.
Why am I so confused about her matters? Nothing seems like the right thing to do. She is this perfect persona of a person that I just can’t hate no matter what she’s done or do. She’s so hardworking. There is always some reason for what she is doing. But how could I have let her die that day in that cursed house? Maybe, I should have died with her. But, I just couldn’t let her live so short due to a wrong mistake or decision. Even perfect people can make wrong decisions. Just like how I make wrong decisions every few minutes.
“So, I have already told you the reason why I was awake at this point. So, can we go back to sleep, please?”
“Okay! I would believe you on this, for now. I know you won’t do anything wrong. So, yes! Go back to sleep. I would come to the room in a second.”
“No! Let’s go together!”
What am I saying? It’s better if the ghost just goes away as fast as possible. The earlier, the better.
I walked back towards my room, while she just stood there as if waiting for me to go away, so she could come back in her original form. I finally reached the room, but could still see the light shining a bit from the other room. Maybe it might take her a bit more time to go away.
In a breath of respite, I pushed the room's door slowly and went in.
I just stood there in shock. What the hell? Where is Nandana? Last I was here like maybe some half an hour ago, she was sleeping peacefully, but now she’s not here. Was she really here or was it just a product of my mind wanting to make her, the real her into a ghost. And, was the ghost, really a ghost or in reality, really Nandana?
But why did she stay back? She’s not going to check the room, is she? Why is there so much unsettling? Maybe the one sleeping was the ghost. Perhaps both of them are ghosts. I just don’t know. So where exactly is Nandana? The ghost didn’t do anything terrible to her? No! Please don’t do this. I can’t bear to lose her.
I wanted to run back to the other room, but then this thought came into my mind, what if I am still living in a fantasy? What if none of this happ
ened? What if I am the only person alive in my family? What if I died when I first went to that old-abandoned home and everything that is happening right now is just a product of my broken ghost mind? I know I am not a good person for having killed numerous ants and insects. I am bound for the worse. What if everything is happening in my mind and I have turned mad wherein people in the outside world are trying to wake me up, taking care of me every day?
This is a mess. It's a total mess. Is my mind going to explode, I just don’t know anything at all?
I don’t know why everything bad happens to me, as in I did bad Karma in my previous life. But why isn’t that, you experience the karma of your past life in your past life only? Why does it carry on to the next birth? Even god has a flawed system at that. You make them experience the wrong things and consequences of their previous life in the next birth wherein they don’t even remember anything from that birth. Either make us not forget our past life, but that would literally mean never to die or leave us alone in our next birth. Why is it so hard for people to not understand this simple thing? Even someone perfect like God makes mistakes all the time. So, who am I? Or, maybe nothing is like that and I have a flawed reasoning. Like I always have.
I should leave this matter where it is. With my petite brain, I just can’t understand these things. At least I can try to do what I feel is right and just go with the flow. Giving the best that I could. It’s like always this feeling in my head that I am a stupid person. Probably an idiot nah…but a stupid, for sure…Why are there always so many…? Okay! Okay! It’s so tough… I will just run towards the room and try to be more spontaneous. Though that means I would make the wrong decisions. Why don’t I have any patience and Nandana is always making me learn to have some? I love how she helps me to learn every day selflessly. Having a person like her in my life is a blessing entirely. Like, I may have done some, really good… no… not good, but some extraordinary feats to get her.
I just love her for this. Knowing there is someone who is making me my best self, and what do I do for her? Nothing! Just nothing at all! I only know how to love her. Why is she perfect or that I am mad that I can’t find any and at all imperfections in her and even if I do find them sometimes, they just don’t feel like them, and I start loving her more for having them. It’s like her faults are lovely too. Why is this? How can a person be like this? I should just hate her sometimes, but the next moment the hate turns to love. I just don’t even know if that is still hating. Only conflicts and nothing else. How can a person be like this, like me? Sometimes I feel that I should just be sent to a mental asylum. But who is going to believe me? No-one. People just don’t believe stupid’s at all.