by Sanchit Garg
How did this happen? She has been doing this since early morning. Just what did I subject her to. I am a devil in human’s boots. I turned my face towards her. She saw me and a little smile came on her face, but it was still cold. After a few seconds of staring at each other, she just stood up and walked out of the room. Presumably, she was happy and wanted to cry happy tears, so she just walked out. Maybe she didn’t want me to see her cry.
I believed it was right not to approach her as she must already be overworked from taking care of me, and I was this fool who always did terrible things to her.
I was about to move out of the room when my mother bumped into me.
She ran her hand on my head, “You okay now, Rameshwar? So, would you tell me what happened? What were you doing out there?”
I replied in dismay, “Nothing, Mother. I don’t even know. It may be plausible that I may have sleepwalked there because I don’t remember anything.”
I already had two episodes of sleepwalking when I was nine years old, and I thought this would be a good enough excuse.
She was astounded, “You sleepwalked. But, I thought that thing had stopped a long time back. Now, I need to ask your father to get a lock put in every night on the front gate. We can’t take any chances.”
“Yes, mother! That would be a good idea.”
I laughed internally. Wow! She believed it. I am good.
“I didn’t think I would have those episodes again, but it’s better to be careful.”
I saw Nandana going into the drawing-room, and so, I took a leave from Mother and went after her.
She sat on the sofa, and I walked towards her.
I inquired in a helpless voice, “Nandana! You okay?”
She just turned her head down. So, I asked again.
“You okay?”
“Yes, I am.”
She took a long pause and then asked me hesitantly, “Do you have a problem with me?”
What? Where did this come from? Why would I have a problem with her?
I was shocked, “Why do you think I would have a problem with you? I know I am not good, but I don’t love anyone else like I love you. I can never have a problem with you no matter what you do?”
She pondered, “Is it? Then, why was it that you were spying on me these past few days? What do you want to gain from it? Don’t you trust me anymore? I try to do my best as much as I can, and then you go and destroy everything. Why do you hurt me so much?”
My heart pained on hearing this from her. What is she saying? I never meant to hurt her. It’s the opposite that always happens to me. The more I don’t want to hurt someone, the more fate makes me hurt them. But, this is still not a reason to do what I do. The problem is that no one understands or would understand what it is to be me, to be someone different. I should have never married anyone. Just live my life alone, so the only person who would have been hurt would have been me. But, now it’s like I have hurt a lot of people, people who are so dear to me. People who now I can’t live without.
“No! I am not doing anything like that. Why would I spy on you? I trust you completely.”
“I don’t believe this. I have seen you stalking me, checking my closet, my stuff and checking every action of mine as if I am having an affair.”
“Affair? What are you saying? It is nothing like that. I love you more than anything. Even if you did have one, I would still be with you, till the point you leave me. But I would never leave you. And that is to say, I believe that you would never have an affair.”
Well! It would hurt a lot if she had one, but maybe if she does now, she can be happy in her life for once. Perhaps she can finally get some peace. But telling this to her would still be hurtful. All she hopes to gain from me is more pain and suffering. Something which I don’t want her to go through because right now there is no supreme power to listen to what I want. All my good karma ended when I married her. Now it’s just wrong and worse. Hopefully, she can forgive me someday for all these thoughts in my mind.
I placated, “Actually, Vinod, my childhood friend had sent me 3 books on an interesting topic and I wanted to read them and gift one to you, but they all suddenly disappeared. I thought maybe you found them lying somewhere and took them, but I didn’t have the guts to ask you. So, I did what I could, and I ‘m sorry if I made you feel that way. I never meant for anything like that to happen.”
She doubted, “You sure? And what books? I never found any books at home. If what you are saying is true, where did they go? You are not lying to me, right? You know, I love books.”
“Never! I hate doing that. I kept them in my closet, but last I checked they were just not there. The moment I thought to read them and find which one was better for you, one that you would love reading, they suddenly disappeared. I don’t even know how it happened, but I saw someone running out of our room that day, a man probably.”
“This is shocking? Who could come to our home and steal stuff? We have a lot of gold jewellery inside. I should ask Mother to hide them or send them to some nearby relative, so such a thing doesn’t happen again. This town is not good. The village was so peaceful until ...”
She was about to cry at this moment. I took her hand in my hand.
I reassured her, “Don’t you worry at all. I will take care of all this.”
She’s always thinking about something, so telling her to rest is useless. I know she’s smart, intelligent, hardworking; always giving more than her best and I know if I ask her to stop, she would definitely do that, but it would be like taking a toy from a kid's hands. It’s because it is something she has to do, something that she loves to do and not because she is bound to do it.
She went silent, and I just stood up and walked out of the room, leaving her alone. I could have just stood there for some more time, but it’s like I wanted to make her happy, but spending more time with her right now would be tantamount to letting her know more. I know she could help, but I just didn’t want her to at this moment. I needed to do it on my own. I couldn’t involve anyone else and make their life miserable too. At least she and the others can live peacefully till then. Yes, I don’t know if it is the right thing to do. I just don’t know. For now, all I can do is listen to my head instead of my heart.
A few days later, my mother came back from Purnima's home, went straight into the kitchen and burned something which made smoke fill the whole house.
Coughing, I reached the source, the kitchen. My mother was standing opposite the stove burning a black thread, and for an ordinary piece of yarn, it was taking a lot of time.
I rebuked, “Mother! What are you doing? What is this thing?”
She was covering her nose with her saree’s drape and giving off a serious look.
“I will tell it to you soon, just let it burn completely first.”
I waited for it to burn. It may have taken more than 10 minutes, and all that time, I just choked. I could have just waited outside the house, but I was so inquisitive as to what she was doing. After it was done, I asked her again.
“Now tell it to me, Mother. What were you doing?”
“I went to your sister’s house, and she was wearing a tabiz around her waist, and I have never before seen any lady with a child to do that. So, I was shocked and asked her- Who gave this to you? She replied that an old lady mayhap from one of the neighbourhood houses gave it to her to wear it at all times, for the wellness and good health of the baby. One more thing that she told her was that it would be a boy.
But how did she know this? This felt a bit too strange to me, and I made her give it to me.
When I brought this near the flame, it made a screeching sound, as if a person or animal was getting burned. Don’t know, it must be my imagination. But I believe everything will be better now. I have seen people doing black magic to pregnant ladies in hopes of getting a boy born in their homes. So, maybe it was that case, or it was nothing.”
“Mother! You did the right thing by taking it from her and incineratin
g it. We can’t take any chances with the baby about to be born soon. I felt at peace in my heart that things were going okay now.”
There were some days that I didn’t receive any dreams at all. It was these days that I got terrified. It felt as if the ghost was up to some other task if not showing me those uncanny dreams. Something much more sinister.
At night, I had an eerie dream.
I was out in the market and Nandana came up to me and said that I shouldn’t talk to her.
I questioned, “What are you saying? Why should I do that?”
“You just shouldn’t. It’s because I don’t like you or have any feelings for you at all.”
“But, I have feelings for you. I like you, and I just can’t forget you or kill my feelings for you.”
It felt as if we were not married in the dream.
I continued, “So, it’s on me if I love you or not. If I feel like you are hurt or getting hurt, I will stop going whatever I do.”
She reacted, “It’s not that. Its…”
“Just tell me what it is? Why do you think that?”
“I think you don’t love me at all.”
And after saying this, she just walked away. I went back home, heartbroken, and after around an hour or so later, she came back to me again, with a disfigured face as if burnt with acid and hit me on my shoulder.
She snapped, “So, do you love me now?”
I knew it was Nandana. She was not wholly disfigured, about one-third of her face and body were burned and disfigured.
Without even thinking twice, I replied to her, “Yes, I would. Forever and ever.”
“Why do you do this? You just shouldn’t. Don’t you want to have someone better than me? Someone you deserve.”
“There is no one better. Only you. And to me it doesn’t matter what you do, I just know that I love you. That’s all. And loving you means loving you as a person and not as a thing. I trust and love your soul, the one who is inside you, not your outer body.”
At this moment, she started crying, with happiness and a smile on her face. Now, I cried too. She hugged me, and suddenly the scene went blurry.
There was something about that dream that made me unusually happy. Maybe our words were meaningful enough, or I don’t know what. What I am sure of is that her warm hand on mine made the world a little less horrible for an hour.
It was late fall, so the days were getting shorter. A month flew by without any strange occurrence.
We purchased an ambassador car for 14200 rupees which was a good enough amount. The main reason was that both of our neighbours, on the left and the right, had one, and it felt like we were missing out on something. Moreover, Mohan would always look at the car from the separating wall between our home and theirs. I thought he was old enough to drive and enjoy life, but the problem was to get my father to say yes. So, I thought of some kind of a plan.
I walked to my father and asked him, “Father! I think it’s time to further expand our business by reaching out to the vendors in the city and make new connections. But, to do that, we would need to travel a lot. I think that it would be a good idea to get a car as it’s easy to go anywhere and we wouldn’t be bound to any public transport.”
All the while, I just made a puppy face.
“Okay! Get it.”
What!!! He just said yes without even thinking or cross-questioning me. It felt to me as if he wanted to have one too, but was waiting for the right opportunity.
was sleeping calmly when a strange voice hit my ears. I woke up, and someone was banging on our front door. I looked at the clock, and it was 4 am. Who the hell is out there that disturbed my sleep when finally, I had a dream that made me so happy.”
I stood up and walked out of my room. Everyone else was already there in the hall. I stretched my eyes a little, and it was not just everyone, but Purnima’s husband, Sudhir, was also there.
Seeing him at this hour made fear crop up into me. Please tell me that everything is alright. That Purnima and her unborn baby are totally fine. Please don’t bring any bad news. He was sweating a lot. As if he came running from his home to ours without any pause.
My mother asked him, “You okay, Sudhir?”
He was panting, “Yes! Yes! I am okay. However, Purnima is not. She has been having a lot of pain since half an hour ago, and I just don’t know what happened to her.”
My father exclaimed, “Let’s hurry then! Rameshwar, get the car out. We don’t have any time to spare.”
“Yes, father! Just give me a minute.”
I started the car, and it would have hardly taken me a minute or two to get to her home. Once there, everyone just rushed out of the car. My mother and Nandana brought Purnima out holding her and made her sit in the back. But, only a few people could be accommodated. My father, Sudhir, and I sat in the front with me as their designated driver. My mother, Nandana, and Purnima sat in the back seat with Purnima in the middle. Sadly, we had to leave Mohan at Purnima's house as there was no more space. And I knew that he must have been hurt. But someone had to make the sacrifice, and he was the only one who was useless at the moment.
I ordered, “Mohan! You need to stay at home.”
He pleaded, “But brother...I... want…”
He looked inside the car and saw that there was no more space, so he just backed off on his own.
He is a good younger brother. He listened to everything I said to him and never cross-questioned me. Even today, I still regret the day when he was in fourth class, and I had to slap him because he wasn’t studying. He didn’t speak to me for a whole week after that, but he got better and even excelled in his class. So, nothing bad happened after that, and I believe he just forgot it as time passed, but I couldn’t. I have this brain that doesn’t forget the bad things that I do or have done in my life. But, I keep on forgetting the good stuff, as if I ever did any. So without waiting much, we took off to the hospital.
After an hour of driving, we finally reached the town’s hospital, which was situated in the outskirts, 20 kilometres away from our house. I drove as slowly as possible to not get Purnima any jerks or discomfort. Everyone was just waiting for the right moment, and nobody said a single word in the whole journey.
While Nandana and my mother supported Purnima, we all entered the hospital. Once we reached the reception area, the odd smell of alcohol and some kind of air-borne sickness got into our noses, and suddenly everyone started panicking. It was as if the hospital gave us fear with all that nauseating smell and people in white clothes. But my father managed it all too well.
He talked to the receptionist, and he straight away asked us to take her to the Check-up room. It was still quarter past 5 in the morning, so there wasn’t any rush in the hospital. A primary doctor checked her and told us that it was time for the baby to be born, but the specialist was at her home, and it needed her around 10-20 minutes to get to the hospital. So, he told us to wait for the time being. But then everyone got so impatient and scared. I was fearful, praying to God every second to let it be good. She and her child didn’t have anything to do with this. We waited and waited more and then the doctor finally came in. They took Purnima to the ICU, and the process began after another half an hour. I looked at Sudhir, and he was panicking way too much. But I let him be.
The ghost dreams had stopped in the past few days, and even though I was scared and confused as to why it happened, I was hoping for everything to be okay.
Most days, I felt giddy, constant headaches and lethargy making me unable to get a sense of my surroundings. Other times, I was just reluctant to fall asleep. What if the dreams start to appear again?
In my mind, I just kept on pleading to God to not take away our happiness.
After an hour or two, the doctor came out. I couldn’t make out from her face what had happened. By the time I would have rushed to ask her, Sudhir was already there.
Sudhir inquired, “Doctor! Doctor! How is she? How is the child? Is everything okay?
�
�Well…”
The doctor paused for a moment.
His face turned sad, “Please tell me that at least she’s okay.”
The doctor grinned, “Yes! Everything is okay. Both the baby and his mother are totally fine.”
He jumped in excitement, “His? It’s a boy! I am finally a father! This is so awesome. Rameshwar, I am a father!”
I smirked, “Yes, you are. Yes, you are.”
Everyone smiled, including me and Nandana. I was happy that finally, everything turned out to be okay.
It worked. What the Pundit said to us, the ritual, worked. Now, no harm would befall us.
We tried to go inside, but the doctor stopped us.
“It would need some more time to get the baby cleaned up and sterilised. Kindly wait for half an hour more.”
We waited in anticipation, but every passing minute was killing us, with thoughts like who the baby would look like and how small he would be.
We were only 5 people outside, but we were smiling and making so much noise that the whole hospital was being disturbed. Luckily no one came to tell us to keep quiet.
Finally, the nurse came out and told us to go in, one by one.
Everyone yelled at her, “Okay!”.
But it was as if we were about to. Just as she moved away from the gate, we all rushed inside.
Once inside the room, Purnima was sleeping on the hospital bed. Adjacent to her was a small crib. We walked close to it and peeked inside. In it lay a baby, pure white like a cotton ball, sleeping peacefully.
My mother whispered, “Rameshwar, he looks just like you.”
Hearing this, I should have been happy, but tears rolled down my eyes. I tried to hold them back and rubbed them away. I remembered the same scene that happened 5 years back. Nandana was looking at me, and she just walked outside. This was a moment where we were so happy, yet sadness enrobed us both. My mother finally realised what had happened, and her smile went away too.