by Nicole Casey
Maybe I was too demanding on other women, just as I was too demanding on myself at work. I had built a comfortable life for myself and I had always looked for a woman who would slot into it without disturbing it or forcing me to make even the smallest change.
As the last light of the day faded, it became clear to me that I had to change if I wanted to win Janie back. Well, I had no idea if she wanted me to win her back or if I ever truly had her in the first place.
However, I knew that meeting her and falling in love with her – I could finally admit it to myself – had changed my perspective. I didn’t need a woman to add to my life like an accessory or a cherry on top of a cake. Instead, I needed one who would shake me up and make me do different things.
She could add light and laughter to my days, as well as passion.
Was I capable of doing this after a lifetime of feeling in control and of doing whatever I felt was right? I simply didn’t know.
“Lost in your thoughts, eh?”
I barely heard the voice over the sound of the waves. In fact, there was a good chance that the old man walking the dog had been speaking to me for a few minutes and I hadn’t realized.
“Yes, I came here to think alone and it’s working.” Not too subtle but I expected that the message to leave me alone would get through.
The dog walker was now standing still and showed no signs of moving on. We looked out to the dark sea together in silence.
“Woman problems, I would guess.”
I was starting to get irrationally irritated by the man who had disturbed my peace. I was tempted to give a curt reply and walk away but something made me stop.
My mother had once told me that at the lowest points in life someone always appears to help you out. Like an angel in human form or some sort of divine intervention, I guess. All you have to do is open up and let them show you the way forward.
Making a real effort to open up I told the guy that his guess wasn’t far off the mark.
“I knew it. I would recognize that look a mile off. Been through some women problems myself too.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“If I had known then what I know now, eh?”
“What? What do you know now that you didn’t know earlier?”
He shrugged and threw a flat stone out to sea like I had done earlier. The competitive streak in me made me strain my eyes to see if he had got it to skip more than mine.
“To follow my heart, I guess.”
“You didn’t follow your heart? I’m in danger of making the same mistake.”
For just about the first time in my life I was discussing my deepest emotions with a stranger. With anyone. It felt good to show my vulnerable side and look for help.
“I lost her.” He was looking out to sea and was gripping the dog leash more tightly.
“I’m sorry.”
He started walking away across the sand.
“Don’t make the same mistake, buddy.”
I lost sight of him quickly and was soon doubting whether he had even existed. Had a lone dog-walker just opened up to me on his greatest disappointment in life before disappearing into the night?
Maybe I had imagined him and was only thinking about the advice that I knew deep down. It was what I had always known but never acted on, wasn’t it? I had always been too busy playing the part of the rich and successful doctor who didn’t need anyone else when the truth was that I needed someone just as much as anyone else did.
It didn’t really matter. The advice was sound, regardless of whether it was from a stranger or from my own heart.
The only doubt was whether I had the courage to turn it into reality. I was far from sure about this but I sure as heck had to give it a try or I would live to regret it.
7
Janie
How cruel it felt to taste the sweetest sensations in life only to have them taken away from me so quickly.
I could still feel Frank’s fingers on my skin and smell his subtle perfume. Life had seemed so exciting and full of endless possibilities when I had been by his side.
Now, I was back to being alone. Even worse, I had given up my job and now had to go back to worrying about money again.
Having said that, money was the last thing on my mind when I accepted Amy’s invitation for a trip to the local bar. I tried to resist and claimed I couldn’t afford it but she insisted and said that she was paying.
I eventually relented, thinking that a couple of hours of chatting alone with Amy might be just what I needed. However, I was shocked to see that she wasn’t alone.
My best friend was sitting with two men. Oh God, she hadn’t set up a double date, had she?
My worst fears were confirmed when one of the guys – called Mike – showed me the empty seat next to him. He seemed like a nice enough guy but I just wasn’t ready for this yet. The way it had all ended with Frank had hurt me deeply.
It turned to be a fairly pleasant evening in the end. Mike worked out pretty quickly that I wasn’t interested in him and he seemed okay with that fact.
When Amy and her date – Simon – went to the bar Mike told me the truth.
“Simon didn’t tell me that this was a double date.”
“Amy straight out lied to me.”
“Still, they seem to be getting on well.”
I looked across to the bar and for the first time in our relationship felt a pang of jealousy towards Amy. Simon had his arm around her waist and the couple looked very comfortable together.
When would I be able to relax in the same sort of situation? Being taken advantage of by Frank in the way he had done was going to leave my confidence shaken for some time.
I had been sure that he was genuinely interested in me as a friend and possibly even as a potential life partner. What a fool I had been to think that a man like Frank could see something in a girl like me.
I was young and naïve, with so little experience of the world that Frank probably had seen right away that I was way below his level. All I was useful for was a quick and dirty bit of rough and tumble under the shrubs.
As I sipped my third vodka and fresh orange juice a plan was starting to come together in my increasingly muddled mind. I was going to get my revenge on Dr. Frank Sanchez one way or another.
I imagined the doctor’s face when he saw me with a new man. However, the taste of the vodka turned bitter in my mouth as I realized that Frank might not even recognize me with my clothes on.
After all, I was just the latest in a long life of faceless women wearing nurses’ uniforms that he had taken off. How many other girls had he undressed under those shrubs with his experienced hands?
Mike wasn’t bad looking and he seemed like a good guy as well but I knew that he could never replace Frank in my affections.
I had never even considered having a one night fling in my whole life. The responsibility of looking after my little sister had meant that I had missed out on a lot of the crazy stuff that women of my age got up.
However, Daisy was sleeping over at a friend’s tonight.
Suddenly, I realized that what I wanted more than anything was some company or a shoulder to cry on. Mike was quickly getting very drunk. He showed that he was interested in getting to know me better, as he slipped a hand onto my knee and then up a little further.
If I wanted to, I could get my revenge on Frank that very night. It would be so easy to do.
I was so confused. I really thought that I loved Frank and that he felt something special for me too. Now, I could take home a man I barely even knew if I wanted to. I didn’t want to, though, that was the problem.
Another round of drinks appeared on the table. It was definitely time to go out for some fresh air.
I made an excuse and stumbled out to the beer garden. It was raining lightly and the raindrops felt like some sort of help from heaven, sent to clear my senses and help me avoid making a terrible decision.
A few big gulps of air helped me to put some orde
r into my thoughts. I didn’t need to use any man to get revenge on another. I was better than that.
I was feeling a little steadier on my feet when I turned around and straight into Mike’s embrace and an unexpected, sloppy big kiss that forced me backwards into a table, sending glasses flying into the air.
The night still had a few twists and turns left in it, it appeared.
8
Frank
I felt a strange mixture of emotions that night, as I became a stalker for the first and last time in my life.
Janie lived in a modest-sized house on the opposite side of town from my mansion. It was a long time since I had been in a humble property like that but at that moment I wouldn’t have cared if she had lived in a cardboard box.
I missed her terribly and was willing to make any sacrifice to be with her. If the Devil had turned up that rainy night and offered to strike a deal with me then I would have willingly signed away my soul in return for a second chance at love.
Finding Janie’s house hadn’t been the difficult part. It had taken me all of 10 minutes to look up her address and then drive here. No, the problem was in getting out of the car and knocking her door. Then I had to find the right words to break the ice as well.
“Hi Janie, why did you disappear?”
Or maybe “Hello Janie, can we start again?”
Perhaps the best approach was “Janie, I miss you” or even “I love you, Janie.”
This was actually my second time sitting outside her house. Ok, I admit that it was the third.
The last time I had gotten some strange looks from the neighbors and it had crossed my mind that someone might recognize me. Sometimes my photo appeared in magazine articles next to the clients I had worked on, which I hated.
Therefore, I had decided to return after dark. It had taken me until close to midnight to pluck up the courage to come here and face up to a defining moment in my life.
Was Janie asleep? I could see a light on in one of the upstairs rooms and assumed it was a bedroom. Was she lying on the bed thinking about me? Did she remember our moment of passion in the clinic’s secret garden as fondly as I did?
A car drove slowly past and the passenger looked at me. I eased down into the driver’s seat and diverted my gaze downwards. Could I be any more obvious and suspicious about this whole thing?
When it became very clear that undercover surveillance wasn’t my thing I had to decide whether to get out and knock the door or sneak back home with my tail between my legs again.
Bocelli was singing about the tragic tale of Caruso’s last days on my car radio. My limited knowledge of regional Italian dialects was enough to understand that the song was about when Caruso was old and dying, having to bid a sad farewell to the younger woman that he loved and was leaving behind.
“Te voglio bene assai. Ma tanto tanto bene sai”
It was the part that always brought a tear to my eye. “I care so much for you. So very, very much” was the best translation I could come up with. The understated words sounded heart-breaking when matched to the passionate voice and the backstory.
I cared very much for Janie. Very, very much. The second “very” was important, I felt.
However, I felt my energy vanish into thin air as my favorite singer carried on with the song. Was I going to end up like the great singer Caruso, leaving behind a much younger woman who would be alone in the world when I died?
To be honest, I had got a shock when looking at Janie’s file to her hold of her home address. I had felt that she was maybe 10 years younger than me but it turned out to be a difference of just over 20 years between us.
I didn’t feel my age and I was sure they were people half my age who didn’t feel as strong and energetic as I usually did. However, right now the years weighed heavily on me for the first time.
What wouldn’t I have done right then to be 20 years younger. Would Janie have felt more comfortable about our relationship if we were the same age? Yet, all the wishing in the world wasn’t going to change my age or hers, so it was something I was going to have to get used to.
Sadly, I started up the engine and began the journey home. The rain was heavier now and I felt completely deflated.
9
Janie
I was soaked by the time I got back from the bar. So was Mike.
He took off his wet t-shirt and put it on a radiator. I was making us a cup of coffee and I stole a glance at his body.
He was in decent shape but I found my mind wandering back to Frank’s broad, hairy chest, and experienced hands. There was simply no comparison. My heart had raced out of control when I had seen Frank without his shirt on but Mike didn’t have the same sort of effect on me at all.
Mike was clearly wondering whether to take off his pants as well.
“You can take them off as long as Mr. Floppy stays inside his little house.” I guessed that a bit of humor would take any awkwardness or uncertainty out of the situation now that it was clear that nothing was going to happen between us.
I had already told Mike that he was invited over purely as a friend who was in need of a bed for the night. He was only in town for a couple of days to visits his family but didn’t want to turn up drunk to his uncle’s house.
I had told him that there was a spare room he could use at my place. My earlier moment of weakness had passed and I could now see him as a possible good friend rather than a regrettable one night stand.
Sure, he had tried to kiss me but he had gone all apologetic when I had pushed him off. He was a good guy who was maybe just a bit lonely and needed someone to talk to, just like I did.
I was aware that my wet clothes were clinging to my body, so I put an old jumper on over them and instantly felt less vulnerable.
“I think you could be a good friend, Mike. I would like to have a male friend I could talk to now and then.”
“Ok, I got the hint like the seventh time you said ‘friend’ tonight. So, tell me more about how you gave up your job?”
“What? Did I say that?”
“You did? Right back at the stage when you were horribly drunk and didn’t know what you were doing.”
“Oh my God. I didn’t sing a medley of Bon Jovi’s greatest hits in the style of Frank Sinatra, did I?”
“Umm no, do you normally?”
“I did the last time I was totally wasted. I thought I was being creative and edgy but it turned out I was just making a fool of myself. Again.”
“If it you makes you feel any better you just said something about sleeping with the boss.”
“What! No way! I can’t believe I said that. You just made that up.”
“Uh huh. You sure did.” Mike took a big swig of coffee and smiled at me innocently.
“Yeah well, it’s kind of difficult to explain.”
“So let’s start with you screwing the boss. Was it in his office?”
“Hey, that’s personal.” I thought about it for a second and decided that it was time to open up to someone. This stranger who was standing in my living room with no shirt on was my only current option. “In the grounds of the clinic.”
“Outside? You got jiggy with your boss in the great outdoors? You did the no pants dance al fresco?”
“Yeah, that’s what I mean. I think.”
“Oh my God, you are nuts.”
“I know. I mean, I’m not normally nuts enough to whip off my bosses pants at work but I just kind of let myself go this time. It was all kind of crazy and there was a lot of tension in the air.”
“Do you love him?”
“I do…I did…I might. I don’t know anything anymore. Apparently, he has a reputation for being a ladies man.”
“Just like me, huh?” Mike made me laugh by putting on what was presumably his best ’ladies’ man face.
“Do you think a rich, successful, older man could really be attracted to someone like me? After all, I’m as poor and unsuccessful a person as I know.”
“What do you
r instincts tell you?”
“I don’t know.” I thought about it for a few seconds while Mike looked at me. “My instincts are a bit confused right now.”
“Did it feel right when you…umm…you know?”
“It did, Mike. It felt like I was-”
“Ok, ok. You can spare me the freaking details.”
“I was just going to say that it felt like I was connected with him on a spiritual level. That sounds soppy, right?”
“It sounds amazing. Jeez, I hope I can feel spiritually connected to someone at some point in my life.”
I made another cup of coffee and we settled down to talk some more. This night looked like it could turn out to be exactly what was needed after all.
10
Frank
I decided to go to work early, as I had to reschedule all of the appointments that I had avoided in the last couple of days. When I got there it was still dark outside but I was surprised to find the main door open.
Heidi was already at work, busy behind her desk.
“Morning Heidi. Are you always in here so early?”
“Yes, I start work at this time every day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in so early, though.”
“Well, you better get used to it.”
“That’s good to hear, doctor.”
“I’d like to reschedule all of my missed appointments for today and tomorrow. There’s a lot to be done.”
I started walking to my office. A long, tiring day at work was probably exactly what I needed.
“Back to normal now that the little slut has gone.”
She muttered it under her breath when she probably thought that I was out of hearing range but I had picked it up. I stopped in my tracks and turned to look at my receptionist.
“What was that?”
At first, she denied saying anything but I gave her a cold, hard stare. I usually let her little comments slide past me but this time I wasn’t going to let her get away with it.