by Lisa Kentgen
Paul hadn’t before considered the possibility that others his age also grappled with questions around identity, and that those struggles could actually make you interesting. Paul had an untested and inaccurate notion that he had to know with clarity who he was and what he believed in order to be interesting. Testing out these assumptions helped him to take more risks socially. He became more spontaneous. His conversations became more interesting because he wasn’t judging every word that came out of his mouth. Paul also stopped putting pressure on himself to craft wonderful conversations. When a conversation wasn’t particularly engaging, he didn’t automatically retreat to his old belief that it was do-or-die and reflected poorly on him.
Can’t Choose Clearly When in a Stuck Place
Belinda was a lawyer in a competitive law firm where a sixty-plus hour work week was common. She came to therapy because of constant anxiety around how her performance was evaluated at work. Because of a near-exclusive focus on billable hours, Belinda feared she wouldn’t make her hours when she got assigned a new type of case and needed to take time to learn. Instead of recognizing that learning curves are a given, she felt inadequate. Belinda felt conflicted about taking earned and much-needed vacation. She felt guilty around being caught “sneaking out” at 7:30 p.m. to come to therapy. This unhealthy environment was negatively impacting how she felt about work and her well-being in general. Yet, she couldn’t perceive better options.
In therapy Belinda focused on the emotional toll of the past two years at this job. She enjoyed working hard, but she also wanted a rich life outside of work. As a result of work-related stress, she experienced less vibrancy in her important relationships. Belinda came to understand that she had choice if she was willing to exercise it. “What’s becoming clear from this past year in this law firm is that I don’t want to be in an environment where I feel as if I am being assessed in a crazy way … or where the determinants of success are disturbing to me.” However, she still didn’t perceive available alternatives that appealed to her.
Belinda began exploring in-house options where the work was competitive but without the constant grind of documenting hours. Until now, she had avoided exploring in-house options because of a belief that doing so would take her out of the running for more prestigious positions. She was programmed to view in-house jobs as safer and saner, but less challenging and less highly regarded.
Belinda’s current unhappiness was contributing to a limited either/or view of possibility. Either she had a more intentional and gratifying work/life option or a respected job in her profession. I encouraged her to get clarity on the qualities of work she valued, including in her current job. Could she use these preferences as a guide? Could she be open to types of work that she did not yet know about? Could she let go of stories that kept her stuck and unable to imagine alternatives? I also asked that she think about how to live more simply in order not to place her salary above all other factors in considering what her options were.
Sometimes we can cling too tightly to a dollar amount and limit other ways that abundance, including financial abundance, can come to us. Choosing intentionally requires a willingness to let go of things that may be attractive but don’t add to life in substantive ways. When you enjoy work and it allows space for other things you most value, you end up engaging more fully at work You may even get more recognition at work because you are inspired.
Belinda did find another job and did go in-house. She waited until she found an organization with a culture that matched her values. She took a job with a company that challenged her and valued team dynamics. Belinda still occasionally works on weekends but, far from expected, it is appreciated and not taken for granted. She no longer needs to account for every hour of her day. She is rewarded for what she brings to the company. For example, her new position values and utilizes her fluency with multiple languages, something that she had not experienced in the old firm. Far from being the safe bet, Belinda feels challenged daily. Her earlier cognitive bias of in-house positions led to an avoidance of fully exploring her options. Belinda’s awareness of her decision-making bias helped her test out what was actually true for her. Testing out her inaccurate underlying belief helped her find a job that enriched all aspects of her life.
Exercise: Examine Your Decision-Making Skills
Reflect on the following questions related to how you make decisions. Think of specific examples for each question.
• Do you rely on snap, intuitive judgment when you make decisions? If so, in which areas?
• When do you think quick, intuitive decision-making serves you? When has it led to error?
• Are you a deliberate, even cautious, decision-maker? If so, how does this style work for you? Has deliberateness tipped over into avoidance?
• Which decisions are you most likely to avoid?
• Do you have difficulty, or even get overwhelmed, making decisions? If so, in which areas?
• In which areas do you trust your decision-making skills?
• When do you doubt your decisions?
• What is one complex decision that you are facing? How do you approach it? How might you more skillfully approach it?
• How can you implement more intentional choosing in your daily life? Think of one thing you can try out in the coming week.
An Intentional Life Clarifies Best Options
When you experience yourself as authentic and living with purpose, endless options are not a distraction or a pull. What is more important to you is that you perceive options relative to your value-inspired goals, and that you trust your ability to create options and make important decisions.
Practice bringing increasing awareness to how you make decisions. Be curious about when and where you are vulnerable to bias. Evaluate and learn from the decisions you make. Reflect upon the outcome of your decisions and how you feel about decisions after the fact. Prioritize those decisions that are in line with your core values and aspirations. Live simply, routinizing decisions that are a necessary part of everyday life. Don’t accumulate material things or experiences that require energy to sustain but don’t add meaningfully to your life. Be willing to take risks in your decision-making for the sake of what is of central importance to you. Choose wisely around what you wish to bring into your life.
Chapter 10
Allow for Possibility That
Is Not Here Now.
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Mark, fresh out of completing a master’s degree in business, was hopeful about work opportunities. Before returning for his MBA, he had worked in the art community. He wanted to utilize his new degree in that field. Mark made the decision to go back to school because there was a scarcity of job opportunities within it. He believed that the few positions that opened up went to people with years of experience, good connections, or who had their own money to fund projects.
Applying for jobs post-degree, Mark was deflated to discover that the opportunities available to him now were nearly identical to the ones available before. The positions that could utilize his skills, and where he could earn a living, were still few and far between and seemingly impossible to obtain. He felt like he was back at square one, except now he was saddled with a huge amount of debt.
Mark gave himself four months to find a position within his chosen field. When he was still without work after four months, he felt he needed to expand his job search. Mark initially viewed widening his search as a personal failure and had difficulty summoning sincere interest. Yet he also believed that actually working was more important to getting himself back on track than what the job was. He was concerned that the longer he was out of work, the less employable he’d become.
Mark initially went through the motions of sending his resume out. When he read his cover letters, his own words rang hollow. He was feeling lost in the process but still continued to sh
ow up for it. In therapy Mark explored the deflation he felt while, at the same time, tried to gain access to confidence in himself. He wanted to make room for real possibility, even as he was currently unable to envision it.
Mark knew that faith in himself was important in order for others to believe in him. On the first couple of job interviews he had difficulty presenting his best self. Knowing his struggle was not serving him well, he tried to bring more openness to future interviews. Even if he didn’t think he wanted the position, could he stay open to the person interviewing him and to the company? Mark tried to approach each interview as if he had a choice though he didn’t believe it at times. This was an important but difficult balancing act.
Mark stepped back from the impulse to immediately try to sell himself as the person for the job and instead brought curiosity about the company and the position. He asked sincere questions about the company, its employees and its mission. As a result of his shift in stance, of his willingness to be open to new options, Mark surprised himself and enjoyed the interviews. He felt his confidence returning. He still experienced fear at times because he was low on money and had little structure in his day-to-day life. Yet he was coming to believe that it would be OK and that he would find work.
Most importantly, as Mark practiced allowing for greater possibility than he initially envisioned, he became interested in some of the positions for which he was interviewing.
Mark then interviewed with two companies related to the arts which were looking to fill traditional business positions. While he had envisioned himself in a more creative position, with his new sense of openness he now saw this kind of opportunity as uniquely suited to his skills and training. He became enthusiastic about one of the companies, a tech start-up with a mission of introducing the arts and working artists to a larger audience. The hiring team returned his enthusiasm.
Mark wouldn’t have known about this company and this position had he held onto his earlier, narrower perception of his preferences. His willingness to expand the field of possible options brought him to this place that he couldn’t have earlier imagined.
There Is Possibility Beyond What the Mind Inhabits
To widen the field of choice, two practices are helpful. The first, is to have clarity on your current preferences. What would you like to see happen as a result of the decisions you make? The other practice is to broaden the scope of imagined options, allowing room for unimagined possibilities. This second practice requires having an awareness of the inevitable limitations of your current view of what is possible. These two practices in tandem allow for the clearest and most flexible decision-making.
Mark’s ability to emotionally make room for options outside of his initial job search required that he examine his approach and understand what was limiting his ability to move beyond his initial disappointment. This exploration led to an awareness that he was not only disappointed about the lack of opportunities, but that he also devalued other options. He mixed up preferences with value judgments. Because of this, he judged all options that were not his preference as inferior. And he judged himself as lacking because he could not get the kind of job he preferred. No wonder he couldn’t bring authentic interest to his expanded job search.
In widening your options, it’s OK to have preferences. You should! Know them well. Your preferences are a good starting point in your decision-making process. At the same time, your preferences are limited to your current understanding of what is possible. Can you know and respect your preferences and, at the same time, eliminate limiting check lists?
Preferences are based upon a number of things, among them past experience, judgments, values, internal state, and memories. They are important to respect but also know that they can narrow the imagination. In understanding your preferences, and the meaning you assign to them, you have the ability to change how you make meaning. When you don’t label preferences as “good” or “better” and as simply “my preference,” that is an important step in expanding the scope of options. Knowing preferences, divested from value judgments, frees you up to make decisions more flexibly. And the more flexible you are, the more you open yourself to seeing the potential in a greater range of options.
Divesting preferences of value judgments has another important benefit: you are less likely to view yourself as lacking if you are not chosen. It is freeing to accept your preferences without judgment, and to also feel good about yourself when you are not someone else’s preference.
Allowing for greater possibility includes recognizing that external circumstances place parameters around your options. But these external parameters are often not as limiting as the mind’s limitations.
How do you make room for possibility that you can’t yet imagine? How can see yourself as having options that you don’t really believe in the moment? You sincerely allow for the possibility of having additional options, even when you can’t perceive them in the present. Otherwise, you will approach decision-making with a yoke around your neck. You recognize the limited view of what you are able to imagine right now at this moment. Recognizing this, you have the ability to create new options by expanding your imagination. You may need to exercise choice within the options that you perceive are here for you right now. And you may need to learn what is necessary to lay the foundations for other options. What matters, under these conditions, is the spirit in which you make your decision. Choosing the best option, even under less than ideal circumstances, is an important step in creating better future options.
You also have a choice regarding how you perceive yourself as a decision-maker. Do you view yourself from a compromised one-down position, that when your preferred option is not available you have to settle? That “beggars can’t be choosers?” This view limits your ability to build on and learn from the decisions you have already made. This settling kind of thought comes from a fearful, limiting state of mind and ensures that you will feel compromised no matter what decision you make.
If you approach any decision as an examination of which option is the best one under conditions as you currently understand them, and allow for possibility that you cannot see at this moment, you are honing your decision-making skills. Instead of feeling limited by current external circumstances, you can be interested in the challenges that lie within them. Instead of being limited by your preferences, you can challenge them, finding the opportunity that lie beyond the current parameters of your imagination.
As you make and implement decisions, evaluate them along the way by asking the question, “How is this for me?” This kind of open question provides a framework to hone your future decision-making skills. It frames the question in a way that shines the light on your ability to be a more conscious participant in the decision-making process.
When approaching making a decision, notice your relationship to what is not available at the moment. For example, do you feel discouraged and perceive the roadblocks more readily than the opportunity? Alternately, do you perceive options that are not realistic under the current circumstances? Do you limit alternate possibility because you can’t immediately imagine how to get there? Do you devalue options other than the one you want? Are you curious and open to them? Are you afraid to choose because you don’t want to close off other possibility? Are you clinging to a possibility that’s not here right now? Do you feel as if you are capable of generating further opportunity? If so, what are ways that you can do this? How you answer these questions will give you important insights into your relationship to choice.
Fear is the Greatest Limitation to Choice
Fear impedes your capacity to make intentional decisions, especially when you are making decisions in ambiguous circumstances. Fear prevents you from seeing all options and clouds your ability to envision incremental steps toward goals. Fear makes the “why I can’t” more pronounced than the “how I can.” And fear makes you doubt your capacity to make good decisions.
When decisions are made from a p
lace of fear, you simply can’t open to your options and make the most of them. You will approach making decisions in a way that, even when something works out well, the outcome cannot be fully appreciated.
When fear is present, you are more likely to avoid making a decision. Avoidance is an enemy to wise decision-making. When fearful, there is a strong preference to choose the safest or most familiar option in order to avoid whatever seems threatening. Consciously avoiding a threat might be a wise decision. But avoiding decision-making because it feels uncomfortable or threatening impairs your ability to be a good decision-maker. Avoiding as a habit makes it difficult to distinguish what is a real threat from what is an imagined threat.
When you are afraid you are less likely to examine all the relevant variables that will help you make the best decision. Why? Because fear shuts down curiosity. Fear narrows your attention as you try to avoid any anticipated negative future outcomes. All meaningful change involves risk so avoidance as a strategy deprives you of the substantial benefits of conscious risk-taking.
Humans have the same physical circuitry for fear as non-human animals. However, the human conscious experience of fear (as far as we know) is different. Cognitively, we are less likely to worry about physical and imminent danger as we are about something that might turn out badly.
Fear appears in different guises. Sometimes we clearly recognize what we fear. But more often than not our fears morph into other concerns and take on disguised forms.
Three particular types of fears affect your ability to be a good decision-maker: The fear of becoming overwhelmed in the face of events beyond your control; the fear of not being good enough or worthy (a close relative of this fear is the fear of mediocrity); and the fear of not having enough or of losing what you have.